Reading and Revelations 1
by tartan-angel
Summary: This is another one of those 'charcters read the book fics'. I just couldn't resist trying one of my own.HP,HG,GW,RW,GW George ,LL,HS,NL and MM.
1. The Boy Who Lived

READING AND REVELATIONS

The year was 2009 and Harry Potter, along with his wife, Ginny, was revisiting the castle in which he spent some of the happiest days of his life. After the final fall of Voldemort, Professor McGonagall had done a wonderful job of rounding up all the volunteers that she could muster and, with their help, rebuilding a devastated Hogwarts. It had been restored to its former glory and, Harry thought as he wandered the Seventh floor corridor, looked exactly as he remembered it.

When Harry finally reached the place he was searching for, he knew it would be the final destination in his farewell trip (he had already visited the Great Hall, the Headmistress's office, the Gryffindor common room, the Quidditch pitch, just about every classroom he had ever been in and even the Library, for Merlin's sake!). Yes, the Room of Requirement had helped him out a great deal.

"We need a place to relax. We need a place to relax." Harry said aloud, pacing in front of where the door should have been. Sure enough, seconds later, a huge oak door materialised before the couples' eyes. Harry pushed it open and led his wife inside.

They were met by a large room with an assortment of squashy beanbags and comfortable-looking chairs. There was a large round table in the centre of it.

"I always loved this room." Ginny announced. Harry sighed and made to re-open the door. He was shocked to discover that it wouldn't open.

"Err, Ginny. The door doesn't want to open."

"Try 'Alohamora'!" called his wife.

Harry pointed his wand at the door lock and muttered the incantation. He tried the door again. Still, it remained closed.

"It looks like we may be here for a long while." Harry exclaimed. Then again, this may not be such a bad thing, he thought.

"Well, in that case, we may need some company." At her words, seven figures appeared out of thin air; they were Hermione Granger-Weasley, Ronald Weasley, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Professor Neville Longbottom, Professor Horace Slughorn, Luna Lovegood and George Weasley.

Professor McGonagall was the first to speak. "Would either of you care to explain how we all got here?" she asked, straightening out her robes.

Harry and Ginny shared a glance, she still had a knack for making them feel like naughty students. "Well, you see, Professor, we were visiting the Room of Requirement one last time and when we went to leave, we discovered that the door was locked. We tried 'Alohamora' and, still, it wouldn't budge. So we decided we might need some company and the Room brought you to us."

"Why would it bring us in particular?" enquired Neville curiously.

"Well, I suppose because you are the people I most liked spending time with when I was here and you all just happened to be fairly close by." Harry replied.

"Nah, can't be; Hagrid isn't here and _he_," George whispered, inclining his head slightly towards Slughorn, "is. Plus, I was all the way back in Diagon Alley, so it can't be that we were close by."

"Maybe the Room wanted us here for a specific reason." Luna shrugged.

"Now that we are all here, I think we may be in need of some entertainment." Suggested Professor McGonagall. Suddenly, on the table appeared a small book.

All of the Room's occupants took a seat at the table and were presented with glasses of Butterbeer or, in the Professors' cases, Firewhiskey as Harry picked up the book.

"What sort of sick joke is this?"

"What is it Harry, m'boy?" asked Professor Slughorn. Harry showed the group the book. The front cover bore the title 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' and was written by someone known as 'J.K. Rowling'.

"Well don't just sit there and stare at it," said Hermione, "Open it up and we'll al take turns reading it!" Harry did as instructed.

**Chapter One – The Boy Who Lived**

Ginny: Oh, well this should be interesting.

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.**

George: And bloody awful to go with it!

**They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with that nonsense.**

Minerva: Nonsense? Well I never!

**Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, **

Ron (snickering): Lovely name for a company.

**which made drills.**

Hermione: What a boring job.

Harry: Yeah, because dentistry isn't boring at all, is it?

(Hermione flushes bright red).

Hermione: Well, actually, my dad…

Ginny: _Silencio_. (Hermione can no longer talk). Just keep reading Harry.

**He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.**

Minerva: Oh, he sounds like you Horace!

Horace: As the oldest person here, I shall ignore that comment and set an example to the younger ones.

Minerva (raising an eyebrow): You do that.

**Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,**

Luna: I wonder if she was part giraffe.

(All look worriedly at Luna, who is dreamily staring into space).

**which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours.**

Harry: I don't know why she did that; the neighbours were all so boring.

Ron: Because she was a nosy git.

Harry: You can say that again.

Ron: Because she was a nosy git.

Harry: No I didn't mean… (Sighs)… never mind, carry on reading, I'll explain later Ron.

**The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.**

(George snorts).

Ginny: Oh, sorry Hermione, you can have your voice back now. (Points wand at Hermione).

Ron: No, please, just give me a few more minutes of silence.

George: Now, now Ronnie, don't speak about your wife like that.

Ginny: Sorry Ron. (Points wand at Hermione again).

Hermione: Thank you Ginny. Ron, just because I can't speak it doesn't mean that I am deaf as well. I will talk to you later.

(Ron looks down at his hands).

**The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.**

Minerva: What! I would be proud to have the Potters as my family, anyone would. I think I hate these Dursleys even more now.

Luna: Calm down Professor.

**Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,**

Harry: Unfortunately.

**but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,**

Ron (muttering): Wish I could do that too.

**because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyishas it was possible to be.**

(Minerva's eyes narrow and her hands ball into fists).

Neville: Err, moving swiftly on, Harry.

**The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbours would say if the Potters arrived in the street.**

Horace: Well, nothing. They wouldn't know who they were.

**The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him.**

Harry: Wish it could have stayed that way.

**This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away - they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

Minerva: A child like that? I think I may have to find some time to visit the Dursleys.

Harry: I am tempted to let you.

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, grey Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.**

Horace: Strange and mysterious things are always happening. The Muggles just never notice them.

**Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a**

George: Bear?

Ron: Hungry Lion?

George: Angry Snape?

**screaming Dudley into his highchair.**

George: Aw. What a shame.

**None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.**

Neville: They never notice anything they don't want to.

Hermione: Flutter? Ms Rowling has a very strange style of description.

**At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.**

Ron: I wish it had hit him in the face.

**"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house.**

(All, barring Luna, glare at the book).

Neville: Little?

Ron: Is this Rowling woman blind?

Minerva: Tyke? Downright unruly, that's what he is!

Ginny: How did you live with that?

(Harry shrugs). Harry: Dunno. Maybe because I knew that I would never have to look like him.

**He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive. It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar.**

George: Was it an acromantula?

Hermione: Don't be ridiculous, George.

Luna: Was it a Kelpie?

Neville: Don't they live in water?

Luna: Oh, yes.

**A cat reading a map.**

(Minerva smirks).

**For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen-then he jerked his head around to look again. **

**There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive,**

Horace: Well, that's a bit of a let down.

(Minerva just smirks again and sips her Firewhiskey).

**but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light.**

Ginny: That's how they always explain it away.

**Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat.**

Harry: Well, that's what he does when he's confused. That or shout a lot.

**It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in the mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.**

Minerva (quietly): That's what he thinks!

Ron: What was that?

Minerva: Oh, nothing.

(Ron just looks at her suspiciously).

**Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

Hermione: I would rather be thinking about the cat.

**But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.**

George: Cornish Pixies?

Ron: Actually, it's Piskies.

Ginny: Are you going to do that every ti-

George and Ron: Yes!

**As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks.**

Horace: I don't like the sound of this.

Minerva: Me either.

Neville: Finally, you two agree on something!

(All apart from Luna glare at him).

Neville: What? Working with them every day, you get used to them ripping each other to shreds.

Luna: Ow-

Neville: NOT LITERALLY LUNA!

(Silence).

Harry: I'll just… carry on.

**Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes - the getups you saw on young people!**

Minerva: It doesn't seem like he can bear much.

**He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by.**

Horace: Now, I _really_ don't like the sound of this.

Minerva: Please, don't make me agree with you again; I don't think Neville will be able to stand it.

**They were whispering excitedly together.**

Horace: I really, really don-

Minerva: SHUT UP!

(All stare).

Minerva: Continue.

**Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!**

George: Why, Professor, he stole your cloak.

There is a pop and suddenly, in George's seat, sits a warty toad.

Horace: Minerva, turn him back.

Minerva: But-

Horace: NOW!

Minerva grudgingly does as she is told, with a lot of grumbling.

Hermione: A-are you… okay?

Minerva: Why wouldn't I be?

**The nerve of him!**

**But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt-these people were obviously collecting for something…yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.**

Ron: How can he bear thinking about drills so much?

**Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.**

Minerva: But, it's so nice to have a view.

Harry: Yeah but this is Uncle Vernon we are talking about. He despises anything remotely nice.

**If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at night time.**

Ron: That is so sad.

Hermione: Yes, owls are such magnificent creatures.

**Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more.**

George: Anyone else thinking that he has a problem right now?

**He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to by himself a bun**

Harry: Or seven.

**from the bakery.**

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.**

Ron: That would be because he was a stupid git who was afraid of magic!

**This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut**

Harry: Or seven.

Ginny: Cut it out!

**in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

**"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-"**

**"-yes, their son, Harry –"**

Ron: Is awesome!

Harry: Cheers.

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead.**

**Fear flooded him.**

Ron: People are scared of strange things.

George: Too right, little bro- SPIDER!

Ron: Where? (Ducks under the table).

(All laugh. Ron emerges, red faced, from under the table).

**He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.**

George: Hang on, _thought?_ How the hell does that work?

**He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone and had almost finished dialling his home phone number before he thought better of it.**

George: Again? He was on a roll that day, wasn't he?

**He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking...**

George: I think I might faint.

**no, he was being stupid.**

Ginny: Isn't he always?

**There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley, she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her - if he'd had a sister like that**

Harry: No, he got Marge instead.

**...but all the same, those people in cloaks...**

**He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door.**

Minerva: Oh my, are they still alive?

(Ron snickers).

**"Sorry," he grunted as the tiny old man**

George: Was it Flitwick?

**stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds beforeMr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.**

**He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.**

Luna: The Marnials probably cushioned his fall.

**On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare,**

George: No, seriously, was it Flitwick?

**"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"**

Minerva: What in Merlin's name was he thinking?

Hermione: What. An. Idiot!

**And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley round the middle**

Minerva: How did his arms manage to get all the way round?

**and walked off.**

**Mr Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.**

Horace: Well, ignorance is bliss.

**He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.**

Minerva: Git.

George: What did you just say?

**As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw - and it didn't improve his mood-was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.**

Neville: Oh!

Harry: What?

Hermione: Have you not worked it out yet?

Ron: Worked what out yet?

Neville: You'll see.

**"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.**

**Was this normal cat behaviour, Mr. Dursley wondered.**

Ron: Of course it is.

**Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.**

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Shan't!").**

Horace: I have never heard of a more horrid child.

**Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:**

**"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."**

Hermione: They didn't.

**The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"**

**"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!**

Luna: That sounds much more interesting than rain!

**Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early-it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight."**

**Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...**

George: Ooh, is he going to work it out by the end of the chapter?

Ron: Two Galleons says he doesn't.

George: You're on!

Hermione: Ronald!

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her.**

Minerva: Yes, people normally do talk to their spouses.

**He cleared his throat nervously. "Err - Petunia, dear - you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"**

Harry: That was a thick thing to say.

**As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.**

**"No," she said sharply. "Why?"**

**"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls…shooting stars…and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today…"**

Horace: That wasn't their fault.

George: Ssh! He's starting to put two and two together. I might win this bet yet.

Ron: Nah. He's too thick.

**"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.**

**"Well, I just thought ... maybe ... it was something to do with ... you know... her crowd."**

George: Come on, work it out already!

**Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.**

**Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter". He decided he didn't dare. Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son - he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"**

**"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.**

**"What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"**

Harry: H-Howard? WHAT?

**"Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."**

(Harry grinds his teeth together).

**"Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree."**

**He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and**

George: Jumped out and ended up plastered over the pavement, the end!

Harry: I wish.

Minerva: It would save me a job.

(All look at her).

**peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something.**

Minerva: It was.

**Was he imagining things?**

Neville: Can he imagine things?

**Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did…if it got out that they were related to a pair of - well, he didn't think he could bear it.**

**The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind ...**

(All glare at the book).

**He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on-he yawned and turned over - it couldn't affect them…**

**How very wrong he was.**

Hermione: Well, J.K. Rowling wouldn't waste all that time writing about him if it didn't affect him, would she?

**Mr. Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting still as a statue,**

(Minerva rubs her back).

**its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

Minerva (muttering): Long night!

Horace: Pardon?

Minerva: Nothing!

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.**

Ginny: Not completely right. Merlin, I wish this writer would do some research before writing these things.

**The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.**

**Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive. He was tall, thin and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.**

Minerva: I was forever telling him to get a haircut.

Harry: Didn't listen, did he?

Hermione: Evidently!

**He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground and high-heeled, buckled boots.**

George: High-heeled boots and long hair? He is beginning to sound like a woman.

Minerva: How sexist is that?

Horace: Just because you're a bloody feminist, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the rest of us.

Neville: She does have a point, though.

**His blue eyes were light, bright and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.**

(Minerva blushes and looks away).

George: Professor, is there something you would like to tell us? Did you have something to do with that?

Minerva: Maybe.

Horace: As I recall, it was you that broke it both times, wasn't it?

Minerva: I am not at liberty to divulge that information.

**This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.**

Luna: Oh, that explains it!

Ginny: Explains what? Please tell me that you knew who we were talking about.

Luna: Well, I do now.

(Ginny starts banging her head on the table).

**Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.**

Minerva: Oh, no, he did. He loved it.

**But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."**

Horace: He normally knew everything.

**He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.**

Neville: I didn't know Professor Dumbledore smoked.

Harry: He didn't.

Neville: Then why –

Ron: You'll see.

**He flicked it open, held it up in the air and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went outwith a little pop.**

George: Awesome!

**He clicked it again - the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.**

Hermione: Cats' eyes aren't a source of light, they reflect it.

**If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.**

**Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.**

**"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."**

Neville: I knew it!

Ron: OH! Now I see.

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman**

Minerva: Humph.

Horace: Well, Minerva, you do look rather severe.

Ron: Yeah, I think it's the hair.

Minerva: I wear it up for three reasons.

Horace: Which are?

Minerva: One, it makes me look more respectful; my hair is too messy. Two, it's easier to have it up. Three, it's far too long to keep down all the time.

George: Prove it!

Hermione: George!

(Minerva sighs and pulls a band from her hair. It cascades all the way down the back of the chair, stopping just before reaching the top of the chair legs).

Minerva: Happy now?

Harry: Mind if I finish the book?

**who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.**

Ron: Slytherin much?

Minerva: No comment.

**Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.**

**"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."**

**"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.**

Harry: Y-you waited all day?

Minerva (teary eyed): I was worried for you.

George: I wish I had a video camera right now.

(A video camera appears before him).

George: I was joking.

**"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."**

**Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.**

Hermione: Sniffed?

Minerva: I had a cold.

**"Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursley's dark living room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls…shooting stars…Well, they're not completely stupid.**

Ron: I beg to differ.

Horace: I thought you didn't have anything against Muggles.

Minerva: I don't, it's just these ones. Growing up with a family full of blood-obsessed Purebloods makes it a little more difficult.

Horace: Hang on, isn't your husband a Muggle-born?

Minerva: Yes, my parents really didn't like that.

**They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent-I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."**

Ginny: Who was Dedalus Diggle?

Minerva: I went to Hogwarts with him. He was the most incompetent moron in our year.

**"You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

Horace: Trust Albus, any excuse for a celebration. Hey, Minerva, remember that Christmas party when –

Minerva: Don't even go there!

George: Please carry on Professor.

Minerva: Don't even think about it Horace!

Horace: Sorry m'boy.

George (whispering): We'll talk later.

**"I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumours."**

**She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"**

Harry, Neville and Ron: No, he hasn't.

**"It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for.**

Harry and Ron: Liar!

**Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

George: What?

Luna: They're a type of Muggle sweet.

George: Only Dumbledore could think of that!

**"A what?"**

**"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

**"No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.**

Hermione: Which it wasn't!

**"As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-"**

**"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All thisYou-Know-Who nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort."**

Ron: Didn't work though, did it?

**Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemons drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying You-Know-Who".**

George: Really? Confusing? Are you sure?

**"I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."**

**"I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring.**

Horace: If I remember rightly, somebody used to have a little crush on our Albus.

(Minerva blushed as everyone stared at her).

Neville: Really?

Minerva: I was young!

Ron: Professor, I - I… wow! Oh Merlin!

**"But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of."**

Weasleys: YAY!

Luna: What're you celebrating?

George: She said 'Voldemort'!

**"You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."**

**"Only because you're too – well - noble to use them."**

Hermione: Aww!

(Ron looks at Hermione).

Hermione: What? It's sweet.

**"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."**

Ginny: Earmuffs? You know what; I don't even want to know!

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore**

George: At least it wasn't a glare; they have been known to kill!

Minerva: Weasley, I am warning you!

George (holding his hands up): Okay, okay, geez!

**and said, "The owls are nothing to the rumours that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

(Minerva and Hermione's eyes well up with tears. Harry turns pale).

**"He went to find the Potters. The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are-are-that they're–dead."**

**Dumbledore bowed his head. **

George: That's not good.

**Professor McGonagall gasped.**

**"Lily and James…I can't believe it…I didn't want to believe it…Oh, Albus…"**

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder.**

Horace: Getting some comfort, are we?

Minerva: I am really itching to do some duelling right now.

Luna: Oh, Professor, you really should get that seen to.

George: What?

**"I know…I know…" he said heavily.**

**Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry. But-he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke**

Harry: Not completely!

**-and that's why he's gone."**

**"It's-it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall. **

Harry (wearing an expression of faux sadness): Professor, you- you didn't believe in me?

**"After all he's done…all the people he's killed…he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding**

Harry: Well, it has been said.

Hermione: Harry, keep inflating that ego and it'll pop.

Ron: Either that or you'll turn into a Malfoy clone.

…**of all the things to stop him…but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"**

Harry: Well it makes a change from you calling me 'Potter'.

Minerva: Careful, or I might just go back to calling you that.

**"We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

Horace: Oh Merlin, Albus Dumbledore didn't know something? The world is coming to an end!

**Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.**

Minerva: I have one of those.

Harry: How does it work? I never got to ask.

Minerva: I'll explain when we get out of here or else we'll be here for years.

**It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though,**

Horace: What couldn't he understand?

**because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"**

**"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"**

**"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."**

Ron: And that's where it all went wrong!

**"You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here?" **

Harry: Unfortunately.

Minerva: I did tell Albus that you could have come to live with me, I have a granddaughter who's about your age, but he said that you would be safer with blood relatives.

Harry: Really? I-I… wow… I- thank you!

**cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day.**

George: And that doesn't sound at all creepy. Not one bit!

**You couldn't find two people who are less like us. **

Ginny: You don't mess around, do you?

Horace: You should know that by now. I mean, you had seven years of getting yourself into trouble with her.

**And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets**."

Harry: Last I heard, he still does that.

**"It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly.**

Ginny: Are you sure about that?

**"His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. **

Hermione: But they won't.

**I've written them a letter."**

All (except Minerva): A letter?

**"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? These people will never understand him!**

Ron: You weren't wrong there!

**He'll be famous - a legend **

Harry: Aww, shucks!

**- I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future**

George: Wouldn't that be awesome?

**- there will be books written about Harry**

Ginny: Like this one, for example.

**- every child in our world will know his name!"**

**"Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half- moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.**

Luna: Ouch!

Ron: Luna, it wouldn't really spin his head around, OKAY?

**Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! **

Harry: Actually, I did…

**Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

Horace: Were you wearing your glasses, Minerva?

Minerva: Why would you need to know that?

Horace: Because you can't see anything without them.

(George smiles mischievously).

Minerva: Don't get any ideas, now!

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind,swallowed and then said, "Yes - yes, you're right, of course.**

Horace: When was he ever wrong?

**But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.**

Minerva: She made that up! I am not that stupid.

"**Hagrid's bringing him."**

George: Oh geez!

Hermione: Really?

**"You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"**

Harry: You don't trust Hagrid, Professor?

Minerva: Of course I do. It's just that, in school, he was a bit…err…clumsy and… haphazard.

Ginny: I can imagine that.

**"I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.**

Ron: Anybody else notice that there are a lot of people he would trust with his life?

**"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. **

George: Understatement of the century!

**He does tend to - what was that?"**

George: Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it was Severus Snape rising from the mist with blood dripping from his unusually long, pointed canines and –

Ginny: Cut it out!

**A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight;**

Hermione: Headlight?

**it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.**

All Weasleys: Awesome!

**If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. **

Neville: Oh, that has to be Hagrid.

**He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide.**

Luna: That's a little harsh, isn't it?

**He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild –long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face,**

Minerva: He tried to comb it once in my sixth year.

Harry: What happened?

Minerva: He walked around with about six broken combs stuck in his hair for around a week.

**he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.**

**"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"**

Ginny: Do we even want to know? I mean, this guy can get dangerous creatures from 'blokes in a pub'!

**"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant,**

**Hermione: Half-giant, actually.**

**climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it me.**

Harry: Sirius never told me he had a motorbike.

**I've got him, sir."**

**"No problems, were there?"**

**"No, sir - house was almost destroyed **

Horace: No, that isn't a problem at all!

**but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol." Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair **

Ginny: Aww. He still has that tufty hair to this day!

**over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.**

Ron: I've never said this before, but that is such an awesome shape for a scar. I mean, if you had to have a scar, you'd pick a shape like that, wouldn't you?

Neville: Would you?

**"Is that where -? " whispered Professor McGonagall.**

**"Yes", said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."**

**"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"**

**"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful.**

Harry: Yeah, this one certainly did!

**I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. **

Horace: Really?

Minerva: I don't know, he never showed me.

Horace: Well, I thought he would've, what with you fanc-

Minerva: He was GAY! Satisfied now?

(SILENCE).

Minerva: Continue, Harry.

**Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with."**

Harry: Charming, really.

**Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.**

**"Could I - could I say goodbye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. **

Hermione and Ginny: AWW!

**He bent his great, shaggy head overHarry and gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.**

Ron: Nice!

**Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.**

George: Saying that, he probably had a dog in his pocket, I mean, have you seen how big they are?

**"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"**

**"S-s- sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it.**

Horace: You could always make people cry easily.

Minerva: Again, no comment.

**"But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead - an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles –"**

**(All Weasleys' eyes narrow).**

**"Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,"Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm **

Ron: Gingerly? Are you sure? Can you do anything gingerly?

George: Must you mock my hair colour?

Ron: I never said anything about –

George: Yeah…

**as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door.**

Ginny: Oooh, interesting!

**He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak,**

George: Honestly? I thought he was joking about that letter. He was more bonkers than I thought!

**tucked it inside Harry's blankets and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; **

Harry: You could have rescued me!

Minerva: I told you, I tried!

**Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.**

Neville: Uh oh!

Hermione: What?

Neville: It's just that, the twinkle always dulls when something makes him unhappy.

Harry: I won't ask how you know that.

**"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."**

Harry: What? You leave a child on a doorstep, awaiting a life of crap, and all he can think of is getting 'back to the celebrations'?

**"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.**

Harry: Yet, he had to use Buckbeak to escape!

Minerva: What was that?

Harry: Nothing.

**"G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir."**

**Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.**

**"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her.**

**Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.**

George: Watch out, the ice queen is melting! (George ducks under the table).

**Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange **

Luna: I bet that was pretty!

George: Is it safe to come out yet?

Minerva: Did you think I was going to hurt you?

George: Yes!

Minerva: I would never hurt you… I prefer to humiliate people, instead.

**and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.**

Minerva: Slinking? I do not slink!

**He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.**

**A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. **

Hermione: Lo and behold, they did!

**Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, **

Ron: He is.

**not knowing he was famous, **

Ron: He is.

**not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, **

Neville: Because that's how everybody loves to be woken up.

**nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley... **

Luna: That sounds unpleasant!

Neville: I do not envy you one bit.

**he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!"**

Harry: And that's the end of the chapter.

(George grumbles and hands Ron two large golden Galleons)


	2. The Vanishing Glass

_A/N: Thanks to all those who left a review, here is another chapter for you._

_Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it! :) ENJOY!_

"Could I read this chapter?" asked Hermione.

"Go ahead," said Harry, tossing her the book.

So with replenished refreshments, the group resumed their reading of the first in the chronicles of Harry Potter's life.

**Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass. **

Ron: This sounds interesting!

**Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.**

George: Boring as ever then?

Harry: Pretty much.

**The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls. **

Ginny: Now that is really not right. Who doesn't decorate in that long?

**Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-coloured bonnets**

George: That can only mean one person.

**-but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, **

Minerva: He didn't break it then?

Horace: You would have thought so, wouldn't you?

**on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.**

(George starts making wretching noises).

Ginny: Please stop that.

**The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.**

Harry: They liked to pretend that I didn't.

**Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.**

Neville: Again, another lovely way of being woken up!

**"Up! Get up! Now!"**

Hermione: It's lovely to know that manners haven't died out.

**Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again. **

**"Up!" she screeched. Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it. **

Ron: Not a dream, mate!

Harry: I know that now. It's just, flying motorcycles are unusual to see in anyone's dreams.

Ron: I told you, it was not a dream; it was more of a memory.

**He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before. **

Ron: Memory.

**His aunt was back outside the door.**

Ginny: Oh no, that can't be good.

**"Are you up yet?" she demanded. **

**"Nearly," said Harry. **

**"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."**

George: Duddy? Wasn't he a bit old for crappy nicknames.

Minerva: As a mother, it is your right to embarrass your child by using nicknames. Trust me, I know.

Horace: I bet your children love you for that!

Minerva: We are a family; in times of crisis, we are unstoppable, no matter how much we irritate or embarrass each other on a day-to-day basis.

**Harry groaned. **

**"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door. **

George: Oh, he was just saying how much of a band of ugly, idiotic arses your family is.

**"Nothing, nothing…" **

**Dudley's birthday- how could he have forgotten?**

Neville: Well, they always forgot yours.

Harry: True. Although, I didn't feel guilty about forgetting it.

**Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, **

(Ron starts hyperventilating).

Harry: Just a warning, if we read about our second year, he will be doing that a lot!

**put them on. Harry was used to spiders,** **because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.**

Minerva: You WHAT? A CUPBOARD?

Harry: Well, you wrote that on my letter.

Minerva: Don't be dim. I don't write all of those letters, i charm my quill to do it for me.

Harry: Oh, that explains it.

Minerva: Back on subject, A CUPBOARD? They made you sleep in a cupboard?

**When he was dressed he went down to the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. **

Harry: Yet, I would be lucky to cover a book with my presents.

**It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike. **

Ron: I will never understand why Muggles need so many gadgets.

**Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat **

George: Too true!

**and hated exercise-unless of course it involved punching somebody. **

Horace: Horrid child!

Harry: He was more than horrid.

**Dudley's favourite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast. **

Hermione: Even more so on a broomstick; just one reason why he was picked as a seeker.

Ron: Yeah, that and breaking the rules in Flying class.

**Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. **

**He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's, and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was.**

George: That tub of lard is about four times bigger than a baby elephant, not Harry.

**Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. **

Ginny: And still has.

**He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose. **

(All Weasleys growl).

**The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning. He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it. **

**"In the car crash when your parents died," she had said. **

Minerva: Bloody liar!

Hermione: Di-did you just swear?

Neville: All of the teachers do that away from the students.

**"And don't ask questions."**

Luna: Questions are a normal part of daily life…

Hermione: Luna, she meant about Harry's scar and his parents.

Luna: Oh!

**Don't ask questions-that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.**

**Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon. **

**"Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting. **

Harry: It still wouldn't have worked.

**About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. **

Ron: And he needed to lose some weight, didn't do it though, did he?

**Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, **

Harry: Didn't make a difference.

**but it made no difference, **

Harry: See?

**his hair simply grew that way-all over the place. **

**Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. **

Ginny: Poor kid!

Ron: Don't feel sorry for him, he deserved everything he got.

**He had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel**

George: Has she got eyes?

**-Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig. **

(All laugh)

Horace: Good one, Harry. m'boy.

**Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. **

Haermione: He can count?

**His face fell. **

**"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year." **

(George's jaw drops).

George: Thirty-six... and he's complaining?

Ginny: Ungrateful little toad!

Ron: Woah! Enough with the little. We already decided that he's anything but that!

**"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy." **

Minerva: Mummy and Daddy?

**"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, **

Horace: A tantrum? At his age?

**began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over. **

George: Brave, mate, _real_ brave!

**Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? **

Neville: That's a stupid idea. He'll think he can get away with anything.

Ginny: Wow, you really have become more of a Professor than I thought.

**Two more presents. Is that all right?" **

**Finally, he said slowly, "So, I'll have thirty…thirty…" **

Hermione: Oh no, he really can't count.

**"Thirty-nine sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.**

**  
"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then." **

**Uncle Vernon chuckled. "Little tyke **

All: He's not little!

**wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.**

**At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, **

Minerva: A racing bike? Wouldn't he break it?

**a video camera, a remote control aeroplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR. **

Luna: VCR?

Harry: It's a Muggle thing, I'll explain later.

**He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried. **

**"Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." **

Hermione: He has a name.

Minerva: If she had sent us a letter, we could have fixed her leg up in no time.

**She jerked her head in Harry's direction.**

**Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. **

Luna: That must've hurt, Harry.

Harry: It didn't really leap, Luna.

**Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants, or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, **

Ginny: That really is awful.

**a mad old lady **

Minerva: Harry! Where are your manners.

Harry: Hey, I didn't write this! (muttering) She was nuts, though.

**who lived two streets away. **

**Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at the photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned. **

George: Bet you couldn't wait for that, Harry.

**"Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this. **

**Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again. **

Ron: Nice names.

**"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.**

Harry: NOOOOOO!

**The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there-or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug. **

Horace: I think you'll find that they were the slugs.

**"What about what's-her-name, your friend-Yvonne?" **

**"Don't be silly Vernon. She hates the boy." snapped Aunt Petunia.**

Harry: Honestly, who in that place didn't hate me?

**"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer). **

Ron: Nice try, mate.

Hermione: I can't imagine that happening.

**Aunt Petunia looked as thought she'd just swallowed a lemon. **

Harry: She always looks like that.

**"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled at Harry.**

George: He's won't destroy the bloody house you morons!

**"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone…"**

George: He won't destroy the bloody car, either!

**Dudley began to cry loudly. **

Ginny: Honestly?

**In fact, he wasn't really crying -it had been years since he'd really cried-but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.**

Minerva: She does that anyway.

**"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him. **

Minerva: Oh Merlin!

Horace: My sentiments exactly.

**"I…don't…want…him…t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms. **

Horace: Evil child.

**Just then, the doorbell rang-"Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically-and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat. **

Hermione: Lovely.

Luna: Really?

Hermione: Luna, it was sarcasm.

**He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them. **

Neville: Nice boy, then?

**Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once. **

Ron: Not surprising.

**Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life. **

All Weasley: YAY!!

**His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside. **

**"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, **

Neville: Oh, that's disgusting!

**"I'm warning you now, boy-any funny business, anything at all-and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."**

George: He can't control accidental magic, you lumbering oaf!

**"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly…" **

**But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him.**

Harry: No one ever did.

**No one ever did. **

**The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.**

Hermione: Technically, you did. Just not on purpose.

**Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald **

(George laughs and Harry scowls at him).

George: Sorry, couldn't help it.

**except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar." **

(Ginny growls).

**Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses. **

(Weasleys scowl and Minerva glares at the book).

**Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off. He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, **

Ginny: But it wasn't your fault!

Harry: I know!

**even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.**

**Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls). **

Ginny: I think I might throw up.

**The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. **

Harry: Thank Merlin!

**Aunt Petunia had decided it mush have shrunk in the wash **

Hermione: Idiot.

**and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished. **

**On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. **

Minerva: You what?

**Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much as Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney. **

Ron: Y-you A-apparated?

Harry: I suppose I did.

**The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big bins outside the kitchen doors. **

Ron: I still can't believe that you Apparated.

**Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.**

(All Weasleys laugh).

Harry: I was ten!

**But today, nothing was going to go wrong. **

Hermione: Of course not.

**It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.**

**While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. **

Minerva: Does he do anything else?

**He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favourite subjects.**

George: He really does have a problem.

Horace: Yes, obsession is never a good thing.

(Harry clears his throat and gives a cough that sounds remarkably like 'sixth year').

Minerva: Don't do that, please; you sound too much like Umbridge.

**This morning, it was motorcycles.**

George: Uh oh.

**"…roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.**

**"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."**

Minerva: Oh Merlin, you should not have said that.

**He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a moustache:**

(Rona and Ginny snicker).

**"MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!" **

George: OH YES THEY DO!!!

**Dudley and Piers sniggered.**

**"I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."**

Ron: What did you say that for?

**But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, **

Luna: How boring!

**no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon -they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.**

Neville: Dangerous ideas? More like scared that he might sprout an imagination.

**It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop. **

George: Lovely.

**It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, **

(All laugh).

**except that it wasn't blond.**

**Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.**

Harry: It didn't last.

**He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favourite hobby of hitting him.**

(Ron cracks his knuckles).

**They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum **

Horace: Another one?

**because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, **

Ginny: Again, ungrateful lump.

**Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.**

George: Oh, that's nice of him.

**Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.**

Hermione: Isn't it always?

**After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. **

Harry: Fat chance!

**Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car **

Horace: Really? I think Ms Rowling must be exaggerating.

**and crushed it into a trash can-but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep. **

Ron: Oh, well that's interesting.

**Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, **

George: Hmm… that's a pretty sight.

**staring at the glistening brown coils.**

**"Make it move," he whined at his father. **

Minerva: You can't, you great dolt!

**Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.**

**"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.**

George: Hah! That'll teach you.

Harry: No it won't.

**"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.**

**Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself**

Harry: I know I could have many times in that cupboard.

**-no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. **

Luna: That _would_ get annoying.

**It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; **

Neville: Ms Rowling really seems very interested in including awful ways to wake Harry up.

**at least he got to visit the rest of the house. **

**The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. **

Minerva: Beady? I would usually associate beady eyes with some sort of bird.

**Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.**

_**It winked.**_

Horace: Of course it did.

**Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.**

Hermione: You didn't?

Harry: I was ten!

**The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:**

**"**_**I get that all the time.**_**"**

George: Hang on, it 'said quite plainly'? This J.K. Rowling must be a strange person. Either that or some sort of dark-minded sorceress.

**"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."**

**"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.**

Luna: That was polite!

Neville: I didn't know you could do sarcasm, Luna.

**The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.**

**Boa Constrictor, Brazil.**

**"Was it nice there?"**

Ron: It won't answer you.

**The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see- so you've never been to Brazil?"**

Hermione: Poor snake.

Ron: You're kidding! It answered?

**As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"**

Neville: That was stupid.

Ron: Run, Harry, run!

Harry: The book can't hear you!

**Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.**

George: Give it an hour and he'll get there.

**Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. **

Luna: Ouch.

**What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened-one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror. **

George: HAH!!

**The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running to the exits.**

Horace: I see no reason to be afraid of snakes. Most of them are rather nice creatures.

Harry: Tell that to the basilisk.

Horace: Pardon?

Harry: Nothing.

**As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come…. Thanksss, amigo."**

George: Nice. I bet it's out there somewhere, wearing a huge sombrero and watching the Muggles play football.

Ginny: Sombreros are from Mexico, genius, not Brazil.

George: I knew that!

**The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.**

**"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"**

Minerva: You vanished the glass?

Hermione: But we didn't learn that until fifth year.

Horace: Well done, Harry, m'boy.

**The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. **

Harry: Nothing abnormal there.

**As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, **

Ginny: Drama queen!

**while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeezed him to death. **

Harry: Wish it had.

**But, worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?" **

Hermione: Uh oh.

**Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. **

Neville: If only it were true.

**He managed to say, "Go-cupboard-stay-no meals," before he collapsed into a chair,**

George: And its legs snapped, causing it to splinter into a thousand tiny pieces.

**and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy. **

Horace: Brandy. I could do with some of that right now.

(A small glass of brandy appears in front of him).

Horace: Thank you.

**Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet.**

George: Just listen out for the wall-shaking snores.

**Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food. **

**He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. **

Ron: That's because you weren't.

**Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. **

**This, he supposed, was the crash,**

George: Crash, my arse!

**though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. **

Ron: I can.

**He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house. **

Horace: I have some photographs of them, if you would like to see them one day.

Minerva: Me too.

Harry: Thanks Professors.

**When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, **

Minerva: I'm sorry Harry.

Harry: What for?

Minerva: For not trying harder to get you out of there.

**but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.**

**Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. **

Horace: They probably did.

**Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. **

Hermione: Was he the same one that your Uncle nearly flattened?

Harry: More than likely.

**After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. **

Ron: Was that you, Professor.

Minerva: Re-read that sentence. Wild-looking? Really?

Horace: Well, when a student wakes you up in the middle of the night, you do look pretty wild.

Minerva: You don't look so great, either. 1997, just before the Battle started, you looked dreadful.

**A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. **

Ginny: Idiot.

**The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look. **

**At school, Harry had no one. **

Ron: Yes he does!

Neville: Ron, they meant at his Muggle school, you know, before he came here.

**Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody like to disagree with Dudley's gang.**

Hermione: End of chapter.

Neville: I'll read next.


	3. The Letters From No One

Neville accepted the book from Hermione and began to read:

**Chapter 3. The Letters From No One. **

Horace: Well, someone must have sent them.

**The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started**

(Weasleys, Minerva and Neville all glare at the book).

**and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control aeroplane, and, first time on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.**

Minerva: I don't think I have ever come across such a disrespectful lump.

**Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day.** **Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon **

Hermione: Not very creative with names, is she?

**were all big and stupid,**

George: No wonder the bloody ape hung around with them, is it?

**but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader. **

Ginny: Oh please, he couldn't lead a quill to parchment.

**The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favourite sport: Harry Hunting.**

Minerva: This had better not be what I think it is.

**This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around** **and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley.**

Harry: Thank God!

**Dudley had a place at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. **

Harry: Again, thank God!

**Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local public school.**

Neville: Didn't make it there, though.

**Dudley thought this was very funny.**

**"They stuff people's heads down the toilet at Stonewall," he said, "Want to practice later?".**

Ron: Why would he want to do that?

"**No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it-it might be sick."**

George: Good one, Harry.

Harry: Cheers.

**Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.**

Hermione: There was no point; he would never work it out, anyway. Plus, by the time he caught up with you, he'd be so tired he wouldn't be able to do anything to you.

**One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. **

Harry: I don't know how many hours I wasted in her house, listening to stories of Snowdrop and Tibbles and Lord-knows-how-many other cats.

**Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before. **

Harry: Hoorah!

**She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.**

George: Yum, dust icing. Bet that tasted wonderful.

Harry: Actually, after all those years of eating crap at the Dusleys', it tasted marvellous.

**That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. **

(All laugh).

Horace: He must have looked like such an idiot.

Ginny: Looked like? He already was.

**They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. **

Minerva: And this is supposed to be the better school?

**This was supposed to be good training for later life.**

Minerva: 'Training for later life'? How is that training for later life? How many Muggles go around carrying knobbly sticks?

**As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. **

George: Had a pretty crummy life, didn't he?

**Aunt Petunia burst into tears **

Hermione: Urgh, get a life.

(George looks worriedly at Hermione).

**and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, **

(Ron turns an unhealthy green colour).

**he looked so handsome and grown-up.**

Minerva: I'll have to take your word on that one.

**Harry didn't trust himself to speak. **

George: I wouldn't, either.

Ron: But you would still talk anyway.

George: True, little brother, true.

**He thought two of his ribs might have already cracked from trying not to laugh.**

**There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. **

George: Did your Aunt finally come to her senses and stew your uncle and cousin alive?

**It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in grey water.**

Ron: Was she washing Dobby's pillowcase?

Hermione: RONALD!!

"**What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared ask a question.**

"**It's your school uniform," she said.**

**Harry looked in the bowl again. "Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."**

Ginny: What? You were a dumb ten-year-old, weren't you?

"**Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia. "I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things grey for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."**

George: Really? It'd be like wearing a big grey tent.

**Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. **

Ron: Good call.

**He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High-like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.**

Ginny: That sounds about right.

**Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. **

Horace: No, it made them look more like pigs, they must have done it a lot.

Harry: They did.

**Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.**

**The heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.**

"**Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.**

Minerva: Lazy dolt.

"**Make Harry get it."**

Minerva: Lazy dolt, just like his father.

"**Get the mail, Harry."**

"**Make Dudley get it."**

George: You knew that wasn't going to work, right?

Harry: I thought I might as well try.

"**Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."**

Neville: Evil pig.

**Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge,** **who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill and - a letter for Harry.**

Hermione: Oh, so that'll be you Hogwarts letter, right?

Harry: Wait and see.

**Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band.**

Luna: That –

Neville: Luna, I really don't want to have to shout at you again.

**No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. **

Horace: Poor boy.

**Who would? He had no friends, no other relatives - he didn't belong to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back. **

Ron: Why would you want that?

**Yet here it was, a letter, addressed to him so plainly there could be no mistake:**

_**Mr. H. Potter**_

_**The Cupboard under the Stairs**_

Ginny: Ooh, specific.

_**4 Privet Drive**_

_**Little Whinging**_

George: It sounds like that village was made for them.__Little___Whinging__**.**_

_**Surrey**_

**The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink.**

Ron: What is it with you and green?

Minerva: It matches my eyes.

**There was no stamp.**

Minerva: Why would there be… oh, that's right, you still thought you were a Muggle.

**Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger, and a snake surrounding a large letter H.**

(Weasleys, Harry and Hermione all cheer).

"**Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke.**

George: Rule one of comedy: never laugh at your own jokes.

**Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope.**

Neville: Why would you open it right in front of them?

**Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard.**

"**Marge's ill," he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk…"**

Harry: HAH! Serve's her right for being such an asshole!

"**Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"**

Hermione: I can't believe you didn't hide the letter, Harry.

Harry: I was ten!

Luna: You can't keep using that as an excuse, Harry.

**Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.**

Ginny: Ruddy great pig.

"**That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.**

(Minerva opens her mouth to say something but is interrupted by Harry).

Harry: Don't say anything about my manners.

"**Who'd be writing to you?" **

George: Oh, you have no idea!

**sneered Uncle Vernon,** **shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights.**

Luna: Traffic lights?

Hermione: They let Muggle cars know when to go and when to stop.

**And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the greyish white of old porridge.**

"**P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.**

Ron: Is he having a heart attack? Please be having a heart attack.

**Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. **

Harry: Wish she had.

**She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.**

"**Vernon! Oh my goodness-Vernon!"**

Minerva: I can't believe they reacted that way; they knew it must be coming. Wait, now I think about it, I can believe they acted that way.

**They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored. **

Harry: Whereas, I had to put up with it the whole time I was there.

**He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.**

Ginny: Ooh, bad move!

"**I want to read that letter," he said loudly.**

Weasleys: NO!

"**I want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."**

"**Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.**

**Harry didn't move.**

Neville: Well, it's all your fault for reading the letter in front of them.

Ginny: Whose side are you on?

"**I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.**

Minerva: Whatever happened to your manners?

Harry: I think you would lose your manners, too, if you had to put up with the Dursleys.

George: Yes, Professor, may I remind you about the many arguments with the toad, in which you lost your temper?

Minerva: That was completely different!

George: Of course it was, of course it was...

"**Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.**

Weasleys: NO!

"**OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. **

Minerva: I cannot believe that he used violence against children.

Horace: Even if one of them was a miniature land-walking whale.

**Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won, **

Hermione: Why am I not surprised by that?

**so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between the door and floor.**

"**Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address-how could they possibly know where he sleeps?**

Minerva: Because we know everything.

Luna: Nobody knows everything.

Minerva: Thank you for spoiling my first drama queen moment in days.

**You don't think they're watching the house?"**

"**Watching-spying-might be following us," muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.**

Minerva: Oh, come on, we do have lives!

Horace: If you say so.

"**But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? **

Neville: Good luck with that.

**Tell them we don't want-"**

**Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.**

"**No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer….**

George: Then they will keep badgering you…

**Yes, that's best… we won't do anything…."**

George:… Over and over again!

"**But -"**

"**I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! **

Luna: Are they afraid to say 'wizard', too?

**Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?"**

Horace: You can't stamp it out; it will just get more and more out of control.

**That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.**

Ron: How did he fit?

"**Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"**

"**No one. It was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly. "I have burned it."**

Ginny: Yeah, it really looked like a mistake, didn't it?

"**It was not a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."**

Ginny: EXACTLY!

"**SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling. **

(Ron winces).

**He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.**

"**Er-yes, Harry-about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking…you're really getting a bit big for it…we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom."**

Horace: I told you, bribery doesn't work.

George: Rule two of comedy: choose the right time to make a joke.

Ron: Where are you getting these rules from?

George: Fred and I wrote a book years ago. "Idiot's Guide to Comedy" on sale in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes for the small sum of five Galleons.

(Ginny closes her eyes. Suddenly a pillow appears before her, which she promptly bombards George with).

"**Why?" said Harry.**

"**Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle.** "**Take this stuff upstairs, now."**

Harry: Charming!

**The Dursley's house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit in his first bedroom. **

Minerva: And they made you stay in the bloody cupboard?

Neville: Couldn't you have used the visitors' room when they weren't there?

Harry: Evidently not.

**It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room.**

(Everyone, except Minerva, glares at the book).

George: Won't you join us in glaring, Professor?

Minerva: Material possessions do not matter to me.

Horace: But making him live in a cupboard does?

Minerva: Of course it does, that's child abuse.

George: Material possessions don't matter to you?

Minerva: No, apart from my broomstick of course, but I'm a Buddhist. I do not think about possessions so much.

Ron: How? When did that happen?

Minerva: When I was a child, I went on holiday to India and I became fascinated by it. And I found that the meditation helped me with my Transfiguration. It helps you learn to close off your senses.

Ginny: But you still celebrate Christmas, don't you?

Minerva: Christmas is not only a Christian holiday.

Hermione: Are you a religious man, Professor Slughorn?

Horace: I am afraid not, I never quite found the time.

Neville: Can we get back to the story now?

**He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, the working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbour's dog; in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favourite program had been cancelled;**

Horace: How would that sort anything out?

**there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, **

Hermione: An air rifle? From school?

**which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it.**

(Ron and George start to snicker).

**Other shelves were full of books. **

Ginny: He can't have read any of those!

George: Can he read?

**They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched.**

Ginny: See?

**From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother, "I don't want him in there…I need that room…make him get out…."**

Hermione: I can't believe that you could survive with _that!_

**Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard**

Ron: What?

Neville: Relax, I haven't finished the sentence.

**with that letter than up here without it.**

Ron: Oh.

**Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse room, and he still didn't have his room back. **

Minerva: What a rotten, scummy, great –

Horace: I would carry on, Neville; she'll be going for hours.

**Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. **

Hermione: Hindsight is such an evil thing.

**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly.**

**When the post came, they made Dudley go and get it. They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way up the hall. Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, Four Privet Drive-'"**

George: I said they'd keep badgering them.

**With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, **

Neville: How did you get to be so great, Harry, when you were surrounded by incompetent, violent morons?

**which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind. **

George: GO HARRY!!

**After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.**

George: URGH!

**Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they would try again? And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.**

Horace: You have a lot of plans. Why were you not in Slytherin?

Harry: Because I asked not to be.

Horace: I'm sorry?

Harry: You'll see.

**The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.**

Hermione: Oh... I see what you're going to do here.

**He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first. **

George: Ooh, sneaky.

**His heart hammered **

Luna: His heart didn't really hammer, did it?

Everyone else: No, Luna.

**as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door-**

"**AAAAARRRGH!"**

Ginny: NEVILLE! You would have thought you were being attacked, or something.

Neville: I was just reading the book.

**Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat-something alive!**

George Was it-

Hermione: No, George! Whatever ridiculous thing you were about to suggest, it was not. I'm fed up of your guessing game.

(All look at Hermione).

Hermione (flushing red): C-carry on, Neville.

**Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. **

Ron: Looks like he out-sneaked you, mate.

**He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go make a cup of tea. Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. **

Luna: Nice try, Harry.

**Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.**

"**I want -" he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.**

Horace: Well, I never. You must have wasted so much parchment sending those letters.

Minerva: You have no idea.

**Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the mail slot.**

Neville: That took him all day?

"**See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up."**

George: No they won't.

"**I'm not sure that'll work Vernon."**

Ron: Well done, she got something right!

"**Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," **

Neville: Thank goodness.

**said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with a piece of fruitcake **

Ron: Well, I can see that working with one of Hagrid's cakes.

**Aunt Petunia had just bought him.**

**On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry. As they couldn't go through the mail slot, they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.**

George: They will never give up!

**Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" **

Ginny: That is painting an amusing image in my head, right now.

**as he worked, and jumped at small noises.**

Ron: Chicken.

**On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs**

George: What? H-how…?

Minerva: Magic, Mr Weasley, magic.

**that their very confused milkman** **had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window. **

Hermione: I wish I could have seen that.

**While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.**

Ginny: These Muggles will never give up, will they?

**On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.**

Ron: That is not a good sign.

"**No post on Sundays," he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today -"**

Horace: WRONG!

**Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. **

George: HAH!

**Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. **

Harry: I have to say, that was awesome!

**The Dursleys ducked but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one-**

Neville: You should have picked one up off the floor when no-one was looking.

Harry: Thanks for the advice Neville. Shame it's about seventeen years too late.

"**Out! OUT!"**

**Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall. **

(Everybody glares again).

**When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.**

George: I might have to use that idea for a new prank.

"**That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling out great tufts out of his moustache at the same the same time. "I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!"**

**He looked so dangerous with half his moustache missing **

(All laugh).

Hermione: I think I would find it more hilarious than dangerous.

**that no one dared argue. Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the motorway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head **

Luna: That's not very nice.

Harry: He's not a very nice person, Luna.

**for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.**

Ginny: Idiot.

**They drove. And they drove.**

Horace: Hmm… interesting.

**Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.**

**They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was howling. **

George: Oh, give it a rest!

**He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.**

Minerva: What is wrong with that child?

Harry: Would you like me to list the reasons?

Ron: Better not, mate, we'll be here too long.

**Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored **

Ginny: Why am I not at all shocked by that?

**but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering….**

George: Wondering whether to kill his aunt, uncle and cousin and then thinking about the life of crime it would lead to; a life where all was…

(Hermione glares at George and his voice trails off).

**They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day. **

Ron: At least Mum cooks a good breakfast.

(All, except Horace, who has never tasted Molly's cooking, murmur in agreement).

**They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.**

"'**Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk."**

Neville: Oh, you really don't give up, do you?

**She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:**

_**Mr. H. Potter**_

_**Room 17**_

Ginny: They're always so specific.

_**Railview Hotel**_

_**Cokeworth**_

**Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.**

Hermione: It's rude to stare.

"**I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.**

Harry: So near and yet, so far.

"**Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?" **

Ron: Like that would ever happen!

**Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, **

Luna: Was there a history of mental health issues in his family, Harry?

Harry: Dunno. Probably.

**got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a ploughed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.**

"**Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" **

All Weasleys and Harry: YES!!

**Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon. Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared.**

George: He went to throw himself off the cliff and put us all out of our misery.

**It started to rain. **

Neville: It always rains when something bad is going to happen in stories.

Hermione: The Muggles call it 'pathetic fallacy'.

**Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley snivelled.**

"**It's Monday," he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a television."**

Harry: Typical!

Ron: Did he do anything but watch the television?

Harry: Apart from eat and beat people up, nope.

**Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it was Monday-and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days of the week,** **because of television-then tomorrow, Tuesday, was Harry's eleventh birthday.**

George and Ron: YAY!

**Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun - last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks. **

Hermione: Oh, that's nice.

**Still, you weren't eleven every day.**

Ginny: Neither were you ten every day, but that didn't stop them giving you a coat hanger and socks.

**Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling. **

Neville: _Really_ not good.

**He was also carrying a long, thin package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.**

"**Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!"**

**It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea.**

Ginny: You have got to be kidding.

**Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine. One thing was certain, there was no television in there.**

Horace: J.K. Rowling seems to have a rather unhealthy fetish for writing about television, doesn't she?

"**Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, **

Horace: Gleefully? He was gleeful about a storm? Muggles!

**clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!"**

Hermione: In a storm... that's clever!

**A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old rowboat bobbing in the iron-grey water below them.**

Ginny: You have got to be kidding me!

"**I've already got us some rations," said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!"**

**It was freezing in the boat. Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. **

Luna: Ouch.

Harry: Yeah, that one actually did hurt.

**After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, **

George: Slipping and sliding into the sea, where he was greeted by a large, rather hungry, shark that swallowed him whole; much like how he himself swallowed doughnuts.

**led the way to the broken-down house.**

George: Aww.

**The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms.**

Neville: Sounds like an enchanting little place.

**Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas. **

Ron: Can you see Dudley eating a banana? I mean, I know he looked like an ape but that is just ridiculous.

**He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shrivelled up.**

Hermione: Too wet. I used to go camping with my parents.

"**Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully.**

**He was in a very good mood. **

Ginny: WHAT?

**Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail. **

Minerva: Oh, how very wrong he was.

**Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.**

**As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few mouldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa. **

Hermione: Oh, well, that's nice of her to offer it to you, isn't it, Harry?

**She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.**

Harry: At least I had a blanket, I suppose.

**The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, **

George: How did they manage to get one big enough?

**which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.**

Minerva: At my home, enjoying the company of my family and my lovely warm bed.

**Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside. He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did.**

Harry: What? How would that work? Why would she write something like that?

**Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.**

Harry: No need to.

**Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping on the rock like that? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? **

Luna: Perhaps it was a red cap.

**Was the rock crumbling into the sea?**

**One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds…twenty…ten…nine-maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him-**

George: That sounds like a plan.

**three…two…one…**

George: All together now, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU-

Luna: Continue reading, Neville.

**BOOM.**

Ron: Bloody hell, Neville!

Neville: What? That's what it says in the book.

Ron: I know but you're going to give us all heart attacks if you carry on like that!

**The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring that the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.**

George: AWESOME!

Ginny: I'll read next.


	4. The Keeper of the Keys

**Chapter 4 - The Keeper Of The Keys.**

(Weasleys, Harry and Neville cheer).

Ron: Hmm… I wonder who that could be.

**BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake.**

"**Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.**

Harry: Idiot.

**There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. **

George: And fell over, broke his neck and crushed his son in the process.

**He was holding a rifle in his hands-now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.**

Hermione: Why would he take a rifle to a shack on a rock in the sea?

"**Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you-I'm armed!"**

Horace: A rifle won't do him any good.**There was a pause. Then-**

**SMASH!**

Minerva: Hmm… subtle as a brick, as usual.

**The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor.**

George (in awe): Wow… AWESOME! I may have to pay Hagrid a visit before I leave.

**A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. **

Ron: Three cheers for Hagrid. Hip-hip…

(Silence).

Ron: Oh, come on!

Minerva: We cheer when we want to, Mr Weasley, not when we are told.

**His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.**

George: Hagrid ROCKS!!

**The giant squeezed his way into the hut, **

Harry: As did Uncle Vernon when we got there.

**stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. **

Ginny: That was nice of him.

**The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.**

"**Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? **

Horace: Sounds like something Minerva would ask.

Minerva: I happen to like tea. Just like you happen to like crystallised pineapple.

Horace: WHERE?

**It's not been an easy journey…."**

Hermione: Typical Hagrid.

**He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.** **"Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.**

Ron: We've been saying that all morning.

George: 'Atta boy, Hagrid.

**Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother,**

Neville: Coward.

**who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.**

Neville: A family of cowards, lovely!

"**An' here's Harry!" said the giant.**

George and Ginny: YAY!

**Harry looked up into the fierce, **

Minerva: Hagrid? Fierce? Are you sure?

**wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.**

"**Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes."**

Hermione: Did you ever get sick of hearing that?

Harry: You have no idea.

**Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.** **"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"**

Ginny: It's a shack on a rock.

George: Nobody really gives a damn.

"**Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," **

Horace: Lovely chap.

**said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room.**

George: I've said it before and I'll say it again: AWESOME!!

**Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on. **

Minerva: Well, that could be arranged.

Ron: I can't wait to see that.

"**Anyway-Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here-I mighta sat on it at some point,**

(Hermione and Luna look apprehensively at the book).

**but it'll taste all right."**

Hermione: Urgh.

**From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. **

Ginny: Don't worry, Harry, it won't eat you.

Ron: You hope.

**Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with **_**Happy Birthday Harry**_** written on it in green icing.**

All: Aww!

**Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth, and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"**

Hermione: Oh, that's lovely of you, Harry.

**The giant chuckled.** **"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."**

All: YAY!!

**He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.**

Harry (wincing): That hurt.

"**What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."**

Minerva: No you won't, Hagrid, not after the last time.

Harry: Last time.

Minerva: Long story.

**His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shrivelled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there. **

Horace: I though he got expelled.

Harry: He did.

Horace: In that case, why is he doing MAGIC?

**It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.**

Hermione: I love that feeling.

**The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, **

George: J.K. Rowling couldn't have left that part out to spare his feelings, could she?

Luna: I think we should stop criticizing the book now.

Harry: How does she know all of this, anyway?

(All look around suspiciously, as if looking for hidden cameras).

**and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle,**

**a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot,**

Ron: Only Hagrid could carry a teapot in his pocket!

**several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.**

Minerva: He really should stay away from the alcohol.

Horace: You're a fine one to talk!

Minerva: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

**Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage.**

Harry: They were delicious.

**Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little.**

Hermione: Does he ever stop eating?

**Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."**

Horace: Hagrid wouldn't poison them. He is not that evil. On the other hand, I wouldn't put it past Minerva…

Minerva: How do you know that I'm not already slowly poisoning you? How do you know that I'm not discreetly asking the House-elves to put a little extra something into your meals?

Horace: I am not accepting meals from the House-elves ever again.

Neville: Good luck with that.

**The giant chuckled darkly.** **"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."**

George: GO HAGRID!!

**He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. **

Hermione: Staring is rude, Harry.

**Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."**

**The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.**

"**Call me Hagrid," **

Ginny: Yeah, that clears it all up!

**he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts-yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."**

Neville: I wouldn't count on it.

"**Er-no," said Harry.**

**Hagrid looked shocked.**

Minerva: I warned him that they wouldn't have told you.

"**Sorry," Harry said quickly.**

Luna: There's no need to apologize, Harry.

"_**Sorry**_**?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. **

George: As they should.

"**It's them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! **

George: I will never mock Hagrid again.

**Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"**

Ron: A school?

"**All what?" asked Harry.**

"**ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"**

George: This should be interesting.

**He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut. **

Ron: He probably did before the anger.

**The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.**

Ginny: Cowards.

"**Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy-this boy!-knows nothin' abou'-about ANYTHING?"**

Hermione: That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

Ginny: Hermione, you know what Hagrid meant.

**Harry thought this was going a bit far. **

Hermione: See?

**He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.**

Horace: They weren't when you were here, either.

"**I know **_**some**_** things," he said. "I can, you know, do maths and stuff."**

(All, except Harry and Hermione laugh).

Luna: That won't help you much, here.

Horace: Actually, you would be surprised.

**But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About **_**our**_** world, I mean. **_**Your**_** world. **_**My**_** world. **_**Yer parents' world**_**."**

"**What world?"**

Neville: You shouldn't have asked that.

Harry: You'll never know if you don't ask.

**Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.**

"**DURSLEY!" he boomed.**

George: GO HAGRID!!

**Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble."**

(All snicker).

**Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.**

Ginny: How do you stare wildly?

"**But yeh must know about yer mum and dad," he said. "I mean, they're **_**famous.**_ **You're **_**famous**_**."**

(George gets up and starts to bow down to Harry's feet).

Minerva: I'll give you three seconds to stop that.

(George is back in his seat like a shot).

Ginny: I'll just… carry on, then.

"**What? My-my mum and dad weren't famous, were they?"**

All: YES!!

"**Yeh don' know … yeh don' know …" Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.** **"Yeh don' know what yeh **_**are**_**?" he said finally.**

Hermione: Obviously.

**Uncle Vernon had suddenly found his voice. **

Horace: Shame.

"**Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"**

Minerva: Like he's going to listen to that.

**A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; **

Horace: I've never seen him _really_ angry.

Harry: You're lucky. It's not pretty.

**when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.**

"**You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"**

Hermione: Did he really expect them to tell Harry?

"**Kept **_**what**_** from me?" said Harry eagerly.**

"**STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.**

Minerva (sing-song voice): It's not going to work.

**Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.**

"**Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid.**

Ron: I wish they would.

"**Harry-yer a wizard."**

**There was silence in the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.**

"**I'm a **_**what**_**?" gasped Harry.**

George: A woman!

Harry: I resent that.

"**A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be?**

George: A goose?

Minerva: If you're not going to comment sensibly, don't comment at all.

George: Like you can talk.

**An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."**

Harry: FINALLY!!

**Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. **

Ron: The Sea? Not as specific as the last ones, is it?

**He pulled out the letter and read:**

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL **_**of **_**WITCHCRAFT **_**and **_**WIZARDRY**

All: YAY!

**Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE**

All: YAY!!

_**(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,**_

_**Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)**_

George: How long did it take you to all of write those honours?

Minerva: How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't write the letters?!

**Dear Mr. Potter,**

**We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. **

Ron: Just about the most awesome school in the world!!

Horace and Minerva: Just about?

Ron: Well, Durmstrang is pretty- ouch!

(George had just elbowed Ron in the chest).

**Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.**

**Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.**

Ginny: Cutting it fine, Harry.

**Yours sincerely,**

**Minerva McGonagall, **

All: YAY!

Minerva: AWW, thanks.

**Deputy Headmistress.**

**Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks **

Neville: Luna, please don't comment about fireworks in Harry's head.

Luna: Don't be silly, fireworks can't get into people's heads.

(Neville just gapes at Luna).

**and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"**

George: Aye, aye, aye.

"**Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, **

Horace: I feel sorry for the horse.

**and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl-a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl-**

Hermione: He kept an _owl_ in his pocket?

**a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth **

Horace: That's how I knew he was concentrating in Potions.

Hermione: Well, wasn't he a bit… clumsy to be in Potions?

(All Weasleys, Neville and Harry glare at Hermione)

Hermione: What? That's just how I imagine him!

Horace: Yes, he was. But we got by… somehow.

**he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:**

_**Dear Professor Dumbledore,**_

_**Given Harry his letter. **_

_**Taking him to buy his things tomorrow. **_

_**Weather's horrible.**_

Ginny: Nice little extra there.

_**Hope you're well.**_

**Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. **

Hermione and Ginny: Poor owl.

**Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.**

George: Not for Ron, it isn't.

**Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.**

"**Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, **

Harry: As he always did.

**moved into the firelight.**

"**He's not going," he said.**

All: Yes he is!

"**I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.**

Ron: I wouldn't call him a _great_ Muggle.

"**A what?" said Harry, interested.**

Horace: Oh Merlin, this is going to be a long day.

"**A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call non-magic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."**

Minerva: I don't think I've ever been fonder of Hagrid than I am now.

"**We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, **

Horace: But you can't.

"**swore we'd stamp it out of him! **

Luna: It would never work.

**Wizard indeed!"**

Neville: It's true.

"**You **_**knew**_**?" said Harry. "You **_**knew**_** I'm a-a wizard?"**

Hermione: And the penny finally drops.

"**Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "**_**Knew**_**! Of course we knew!** **How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was? **

Minerva: Oh, she is lucky Albus didn't send me to get you because, I swear, I would hex her ass into next year.

Ginny: Moving on…

**Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that-that **_**school**_**-and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn, **

Horace: Don't be stupid, we don't use frog-spawn here... much.

**turning teacups into rats. **

Minerva: She was brilliant at Transfigurations. Not as good as James, but brilliant.

Horace: Good at Potions too but, I heard, she was the best at Charms.

**I was the only one who saw her for what she was-a freak!**

(Stunned silence).

(Harry, Weasleys, Horace and Minerva all glare at the book).

**But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!" **

George: As they should be.

**She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years.**

**Then she met that Potter at school** **and they left and got married and had you,**

All: YAY!!!

**and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as-as-**_**abnormal**_**-and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"**

(All send more death-glares at the book).

**Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"**

Horace: Evil pigs.

"**CAR CRASH!" roared** **Hagrid, **

Minerva: That was my reaction when he told me.

**jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner.**

George: Where they belong.

"**How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! **

Neville: EXACTLY!!

**Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"**

Luna: I didn't until I was ten.

"**But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently.**

**The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.**

Minerva: What? Hagrid, why aren't you kicking their arses?

Hermione: Because he has a hold over his temper, unlike some I could mention.

Minerva: Believe me, if I didn't, I would have murdered Umbridge years ago!

"**I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. **

Minerva: Neither did Albus.

**Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person to tell yeh**

George: Probably not.

**-but someone's gotta-yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'." He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.**

"**Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh**

Ron: Which, most likely, isn't much.

**-mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it…."**

Harry: Not anymore, it isn't.

**He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with-with a person called-but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows -"**

Hermione: We've already established that Harry lived with Muggles and was told absolutely nothing about the wizarding world, he's not very likely to know who Voldemort is.

"**Who?"**

"**Well-I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."**

"**Why not?"**

Ginny: They thought it was cursed.

"**Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry, people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went…bad. **

George: What an understatement!!

**As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. **

Ron: No kidding!

**His name was…"**

George (slowly, kinda like Frankenstein): Voooldemoooort!!

**Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.**

"**Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.**

George: That was a stupid question.

"**Nah-can't spell it. All right-**_**Voldemort**_**."**

George and Ron: Hoorah!

**Hagrid shuddered. "Don' make me say it again. Anyway, this-this wizard, **

Minerva: If you can call him that.

**about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer followers. Got 'em, too -some were afraid, some just wanted a bit o' his power, 'cause he was getting' himself power, all right. **

Horace: No fooling.

**Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches…terrible things happened. **

Harry: Oh, Hagrid really doesn't mess around, does he?

**He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him-an' he killed 'em. **

Minerva: Not all of them, evidently (waving her hands at the people around the table).

**Horribly. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of. **

Minerva: He would be blushing right now.

Horace: It was true, though.

**Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway.**

Neville: That was a good choice.

(All look at him).

Neville: What? It's true!

"**Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew. Head Boy** **an' Girl at Hogwarts in their day! **

Horace: And rightly so.

**Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before…probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.**

Minerva: They would never go to the Dark Side; they were the absolute antithesis of Voldemort.

Hermione: All of this 'Dark Side' talk reminds me of an old Muggle film.

Harry: Which one was that?

Hermione: Star Wars.

Harry: Oh yeah. You know, I could totally picture Voldemort in a Darth Vader costume, it would be so…

Luna: Please let us know when you decide to talk about things we all understand.

Ginny: Can I carry on reading now?

"**Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em…maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween-ten years ago. **

**You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an'-an'-"**

(Minerva, Hermione and Ginny start to shed silent tears).

George: What is up with you all today?

**Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.**

Ron: There's some good old cheer-up material.

"**Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad-knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find**

Horace: That's true.

**-anyway…** **You-Know-Who killed 'em. An' then-an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing-he tried to kill you, too. Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. **

Minerva: It wouldn't surprise me.

Harry: Does anything surprise you?

Minerva:… I react well under pressure.

Horace: And have a marvellous poker face.

Harry: Poker face? You play poker?

Horace: Gotta pass the time somehow.

Neville: Horace is awful at it, though.

Horace: All right, all right. Now, back to the story, if you don't mind.

**But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? **

Harry: Yes! Thousands of times!

**That was no ordinary cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh**

Ginny: Is that how Dumbledore got his?

**-took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even-but it didn't work on you, **

Weasleys: GO HARRY!

**an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided to kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age-the McKinnons, **

Horace: Lovely family, they were.

Minerva: If you say so.

Horace: You didn't like them?

Minerva: Oh, I had nothing against the children, but their mother…

**the Bones, the Prewetts-an' you was only a baby an' you lived."**

Weasleys: GO HARRY!

**Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, **

George: The evil git!

Harry: You are talking about Voldemort, right?

**more clearly than he had ever remembered it before-and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a high, cold, cruel laugh.**

(Minerva starts muttering something about 'evil bastards' and 'heartless snakes').

**Hagrid was watching him sadly.**

"**Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot…"**

Ginny: Unfortunately.

"**Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon.**

Harry: LIAR!!

**Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there. Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage. **

Horace: What courage?

**He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched.**

"**Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured**

(All females gasp).

(Ron and George look just about ready to rip the book to shreds. But, if they did, where would be the fun in that?).

**-and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdos,**

(All glare at the book again).

**no denying it, and the world's better off without them in my opinion**

(Yet another negative reactio).

Hermione: He's just digging himself a pit.

**-asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types-just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end-"**

Minerva: OH THAT IS _IT!! _I can't stand listening to this anymore! (She points her wand at the book and it is set on fire. The book is burned to a crisp and then immediately replaced by a new one. There is a note attached to the cover).

Luna (picking up the note): It says 'please take care of this book or we shall remove you from the Room'.

Minerva: Well, in that case, get me out of here.

(Another note appears on the table).

Neville: It says 'that was an empty threat'.

Minerva: Damn.

Ginny: Back to the story then, if you don't mind!!

**But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. **

George: That's it Hagrid, keep up the macho half-giant image.

**Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley-I'm warning you-one more word…"**

George: And he'll set Flitwick on you. He'll mess your kneecaps up good and proper.

**In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella** **by a bearded giant, Uncle Vernon's courage failed again; **

Hermione: No surprise there, then.

**he flattened himself against the wall **

Ron: How is that possible?

**and fell silent.**

"**That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time sagged right down to the floor.**

Neville: She's not very nice about Hagrid, is she?

**Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.**

"**But what happened to Vol-, sorry-I mean, You-Know-Who?"**

"**Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry, see…he was getting' more an' more powerful-why'd he go?**

Harry: Well, I could answer that question but we'd be here too long.

Ginny: Then why interrupt the story?

"**Some say he died. **

Harry: Would have saved me a job.

Ron: Yeah, and seven years of torment.

**Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. **

Minerva: Well said, Hagrid.

**Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it. People who was on his side came back ter ours. **

Horace: Cowards.

**Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. **

Minerva: Most of them were faked, of course. Alastor had a job cleaning that lot up.

**Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back.**

Harry: But he was!

"**Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost of his powers. Too weak to carry on. **

George: Yay, Hagrid is FINALLY right about something.

'**Cause something' about you finished him, Harry. There was something' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on-**_**I**_** dunno what it was, no one does-but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."**

Harry: Maybe it was my insane awesomeness.

Minerva: Or perhaps your perpetual modesty?

**Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake.**

Hermione: I thought it was a wind-up.

**A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? **

Ginny: Quite easily, actually.

**He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon;**

George: Well, there's an achievement.

Neville: I wouldn't go flaunting that fact, if I were you, Harry.

**if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard? **

Horace: Because you can't control your magic yet.

George: We know.

**If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world,**

Minerva: Pfft, as if!

**how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?**

Horace: Because-

Minerva: Shut UP!!

"**Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."**

Ginny: Aye, aye, aye!!

**To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.**

"**Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"**

All (except Harry): YES!!

**Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it…every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry**

George: He's finally getting over the denial.

…**chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach**

Minerva: I still can't believe you did that.

…**dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back**

Ron: Wish I could have done that.

Hermione: There's nothing wrong with your hair, Ron.

…**and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?**

Ron: How did you do that?

Hermione: RONALD!!

Ron: What?

Hermione: Harry's a parselmouth, remember?

Ron: Oh… OH YEAH!! Sorry, mate.

**Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.**

"**See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard-you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."**

Hermione: Did you ever find that weird?

Harry: Of course I did. Remember Rita Skeeter?

Hermione: Oh, yeah…

**But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give up without a fight.**

Harry: Does he ever give up?

Luna: Do _you_ ever give up?

"**Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish**

Minerva: If he says rubbish or nonsense one more time…

**-spell books and wands and-"**

"**If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," **

Neville: Great? Are you sure?

**growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad.**

Luna: We all know that.

**His name's been down ever since he was born. **

Horace: As is everybody's.

**He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. **

George: Are you sure about that?

**He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, **

Ron: Like me!

**fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had, **

All: YAY!!

**Albus Dumbled-"**

"**I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.**

(All, barring Luna, draw their wands and point them at the book. Then they all look awkwardly at each other).

Harry: That was weird.

Ron: Let's never speak of this again.

**But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER-" he thundered, "-INSULT-ALBUS-DUMBLEDORE-IN-FRONT-OF-ME!"**

Horace, Harry and Minerva: OR ME!

**He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley-there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. **

George: Finally, someone who takes some proper action against those idiots!

**When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.**

(All laugh)

Ron: _That_ is a classic!

**Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley** **into the other room, **

George: I always thought that that little lump would be too heavy to drag away.

**he cast one terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.**

**Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.** **"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, **

Minerva: He never was very good at Transfigurations, according to Albus.

**but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."**

Hermione: That's true.

**He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.**

"**Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," **

Harry: And we didn't, did we?

Hermione: I can't remember, Harry.

**he said. "I'm-er-not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff-one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job-"**

Minerva: No, not concerned for his safety or anything, just wanted to do a bit of magic.

"**Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.**

"**Oh, well-I was at Hogwarts meself but I-er-got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. **

Harry: FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN'T HIS FAULT!!

Hermione: Calm down, Harry!

**They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."**

All: Here, here!

"**Why were you expelled?"**

Ginny: Okay, I admit, he's a bit of a blabbermouth, but he's not going to tell you that.

Harry (shrugging): It was worth a shot, though.

"**It's getting' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. **

Ron: Way to change the subject, Hagrid.

"**Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that."**

**He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.**

George: Whose knees buckled under the tremendous weight of the twenty-five live Nifflers in the pockets.

"**You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."**

George (Shaking his head): Dormice? Typical!

Ginny: Next chapter, anybody?


	5. Diagon Alley

_A/N:_ _Thank you so much to all my amazing reviewers. This one's for you!_

Ron: I'll read this one!

Luna: Can we have a bit of a break first please?

Horace: I don't see why not.

Minerva: Well, perhaps because I have a school to run, but instead I am stuck in here.

(A note appears on the table)

Harry: (reading aloud) 'The school is in the very capable hands of your Deputy, do not fret.'

Minerva: Oh, well, I do hope Filius is coping all right.

Hermione: I could really do with the loo, while we're on a break.

Neville: Me too.

(A toilet cubicle, complete with sink, appears in the corner).

Harry: So how's Hogwarts been?

Minerva: Considering that that's the fifth time you've asked me that today, I would say that you are pretty bored.

Harry: I may be a Gryffindor, but I am not brave enough to ask for more entertainment, I dread to think what else they'd come up with.

Minerva: (standing up) Right, I'll show you some proper entertainment. A piano would be nice.

(A grand piano appears in the other corner of the Room of Requirement. Minerva sits down in front of it and begins to play and sing 'Love Song' by Sara Bareilles).

Hermione: I didn't know you knew so many Muggle songs, Professor.

Minerva: It's good to keep up with their world, as well as ours. And my daughter is forever playing Muggle music when she visits.

After ten minutes, Horace and Minerva's rendition of 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' (by request of Hermione, who is a huge Elton John fan) and Neville filling Harry in on more of the goings-on at Hogwarts, the group settled, once again, to read Chapter Five of the Philosopher's Stone.

**Chapter Five - Diagon Alley.**

Hermione: I love Diagon Alley.

George: Join the club.

"**It was a dream," **

Neville: No it wasn't.

**he told himself firmly. "I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a school for wizards. When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."**

Luna: No you won't.

Harry: I KNOW!

Hermione: Don't worry, Harry, I felt the same way when they first told me. Well, except for the Hagrid thing.

**There was suddenly a loud tapping noise.**

_**And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door**_**, Harry thought, his heart sinking. But he still didn't open his eyes. It had been such a good dream.**

Ron: Wrong again.

**Tap. Tap. Tap.**

"**All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."**

**He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat fell off him. **

George: And Harry could, once again, breathe properly.

**The hut was full of sunlight, the storm was over, Hagrid himself was asleep on the collapsed sofa, and there was an owl rapping its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its beak.**

**Harry scrambled to his feet, so happy he felt as though a large balloon was swelling inside him. **

Luna: Ouch, that must've hurt, Harry.

(Neville starts slapping his forehead).

**He went straight to the window and jerked it open. The owl swooped in and dropped the newspaper on top of Hagrid, who didn't wake up. **

George: Probably didn't feel it.

Harry: George...

George (muttering): Sorry.

**The owl then fluttered onto the floor and began to attack Hagrid's coat.**

"**Don't do that." Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way, **

Neville: As if that would ever work.

**but it snapped its beak fiercely at him and carried on savaging the coat.**

"**Hagrid!" said Harry loudly. "There's an owl -"**

"**Pay him," Hagrid grunted into the sofa.**

Ron: Boy, he's not a morning person, is he?

"**What?"**

"**He wants payin' fer deliverin' the paper. Look in the pockets.**

Harry: With the size of his pockets, I'm surprised I didn't get lost in them.

**Hagrid's coat seemed to be made of nothing **_**but**_** pockets-bunches of keys, slug pellets, balls of string, **

George: Were they for you, Professor?

Minerva: Please don't make me transfigure you into something worse than you already are.

**peppermint humbugs, **

Hermione: Mmm… my favourites.

**teabags…finally, Harry pulled out a handful of strange-looking coins.**

"**Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.**

Ginny: Like he knows what a Knut is.

"**Knuts?"**

"**The little bronze ones."**

**Harry counted out five little bronze coins, and the owl held out his leg so Harry could put the money into a small leather pouch tied to it. Then he flew off through the open window.**

George: Padding, padding, padding!

**Hagrid yawned loudly, sat up, and stretched.** **"Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."**

**Harry was turning over the wizard coins and looking at them. He had just thought of something that made him feel as though the happy balloon inside him had got a puncture.**

Luna: Aww, that's a shame.

"**Um-Hagrid?"**

"**Mm?" said Hagrid, who was pulling on his huge boots.**

George: Which had been slowly eroding the grotty floorboards away.

Minerva: Look, I don't care how much artistic licence you have, can you please stop creating extra parts to the story?

George: Well, I could…

Minerva: That's settled then.

George: … But I won't!

"**I haven't got any money-and you heard Uncle Vernon last night…he won't pay for me to go and learn magic."**

Ginny: He wouldn't pay for you to learn anything, by the sounds of it.

"**Don't worry about that," said Hagrid, standing and scratching his head. "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"**

"**But if their house was destroyed-"**

Ron: It wouldn't make a difference because it's probably all in Gringotts.

"**They didn't keep their gold in the house, boy! Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts. Wizards' bank. Have a sausage, they're not bad cold**

George: I think I'll take his word on that one.

**-an' I wouldn' say no ter a bit o' yer birthday cake, neither."**

Harry: Cheeky bugger.

"**Wizards have **_**banks**_**?"**

Horace: YES! We're not that different from Muggles.

George: Except for the fact that we can do MAGIC!!

Horace: Well, there is that…

"**Just the one. Gringotts. Run by goblins."**

Minerva: No, there's only one in Britain. There are a few others around the world, depending on where you go.

Hermione: How do you know that?

Minerva: I travelled a lot before I came to work at Hogwarts.

Horace: And I worked in an apothecary before I worked here.

**Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.**

"_**Goblins**_**?"**

Ginny: Yes, Harry, GOBLINS.

"**Yeah-so yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it, I'll tell ya that. Never mess with goblins, Harry. **

Ron: No, because they'll mess your legs up, all right!

**Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe-'cept maybe Hogwarts. **

All: Hooray!

Luna: Are we going to do that every time someone says 'Hogwarts'.

George: Don't be preposterous! But… probably, yes.

**As a matter o' fact, I gotta visit Gringotts anyway. Fer Dumbledore. Hogwarts business." **

Minerva: Well done, let the world know. Knowing you and your curious little mind, Harry, you'll have Merlin-knows-how-many questions about it.

**Hagrid drew himself up proudly. "He usually gets me ter do important stuff fer him. **

Minerva: Actually, it wasn't that much.

Horace (muttering): Just because you were his favourite.

Minerva: Horace, I haven't gone deaf just yet.

**Fetchin' you-gettin' things from Gringotts-knows he can trust me, see.**

George: Is that all the things he can list?

**Got everythin'? Come on, then."**

**Harry followed Hagrid out onto the rock. The sky was quite clear now and the sea gleamed in the sunlight. The boat Uncle Vernon had hired was still there, with a lot of water in the bottom after the storm.**

Minerva: I am starting to lose the will to live with all this description.

Ginny: I think Ms Rowling ran out of things to write about.

"**How did you get here?" Harry asked, looking around for another boat.**

"**Flew," said Hagrid.**

George: H—How?

"**Flew?"**

"**Yeah-but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now I've got yeh."**

Neville: But he probably will.

**They settled down in the boat,**

George: Which promptly sank under Hagrid's weight.

**Harry still staring at Hagrid, trying to imagine him flying.**

"**Seems a shame ter row, though," said Hagrid, giving Harry another of his sideways looks. "If I was ter-er-speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin' it at Hogwarts?"**

Harry: He couldn't resist the temptation of magic.

Horace: Yes, 'tis a wonderful thing, is it not?

"**Of course not," said Harry, eager to see more magic. Hagrid pulled out the pink umbrella again, tapped it twice on the side of the boat, and they sped off towards land.**

Harry: I love magic!

"**Why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?" Harry asked.**

"**Spells-enchantments," said Hagrid, unfolding his newspaper as he spoke. "They say there's dragons guardin' the high-security vaults. **

Harry: They weren't wrong.

Hermione: Yeah, we found out the hard way.

**And then yeh gotta find yer way-Gringotts is hundreds of miles under London, see. Deep under the Underground. Yeh'd die of hunger, even if yeh did manage ter get yer hands on summat."**

Ron: That didn't stop us!

**Harry sat and thought about this while Hagrid read his newspaper, the Daily Prophet. **

Minerva: You know what strikes me? The fact that you don't seem to have noticed that the pictures would be moving.

Harry: Oh, I did. Just seems that J.K. Rowling forgot that bit.

**Harry had learned from Uncle Vernon that people liked to be left alone while they did this, but it was very difficult, he'd never had so many questions in his life.**

Ginny: Well, you would, wouldn't you.

"**Ministry o' Magic messin' things up as usual," **

Weasleys and Minerva: Hooray!!

George: Finally, someone who speaks the truth.

**Hagrid muttered, turning the page.**

"**There's a Ministry of Magic?" Harry asked, before he could stop himself.**

Horace: Oh Merlin!

"'**Course," said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o' course, but he'd never leave Hogwarts, so old Cornelius Fudge**

Hermione: I can't believe he ever got that job.

Minerva: Please do not talk to me about that bumbling, incompetent fool.

**got the job. Bungler if ever there was one. **

All: YAY!

**So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every day, askin' fer advice."**

"**But what does a Ministry of Magic do?"**

George: By the looks of things, nothing!

"**Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there's still witches an' wizards up an' down the country."**

"**Why?"**

Horace: Couldn't you work that out for yourself?

"**Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone'd be wantin' magic solutions to their problems.**

Neville: I have a feeling that it might be worse than that.

**Nah, we're best left alone."**

**At this moment the boat bumped gently into the harbour wall. Hagrid folded up his newspaper, and they clambered up the stone steps onto the street.**

**Passers by stared a lot at Hagrid as they walked through the little town to the station. **

Hermione: No surprise there, then.

**Harry couldn't blame them. Not only was Hagrid twice as tall as anyone else, he kept pointing to perfectly ordinary things like parking meters and saying loudly, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?"**

Minerva: He didn't?

Harry: He did.

Minerva: I think I shall have to talk to him about taking a class in Muggle Studies.

"**Hagrid," said Harry, panting a bit as he ran to keep up, "did you say there are dragons at Gringotts?"**

"**Well, so they say," said Hagrid. "Crikey, I'd like a dragon."**

Ron (whispering to Harry): He got one, all right!

"**You'd like one?"**

George: He'd like anything that has a chance of killing somebody or, at least, tearing their eyes out.

"**Wanted one ever since I was a kid-here we go."**

Horace: But, they are illegal so tough luck, I'm afraid.

(Harry, Ron and Hermione share a glance).

**They had reached the station. There was a train to London in five minutes' time. Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money," as he called it, gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets.**

Ginny: Wise move.

**People stared more than ever on the train. Hagrid took up two seats and sat knitting what looked like a canary-yellow circus tent.**

George: Knitting? First the pink umbrella, now this! I swear, the male Hogwarts staff were getting camper by the minute!

Minerva (looking at Horace): Well, you're not wrong there.

"**Still got yer letter, Harry?" he asked as he counted stitches.**

**Harry took the parchment envelope out of his pocket.**

"**Good," said Hagrid. "There's a list there of everything yeh need."**

**Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed the night before and read:**

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**

**UNIFORM**

**First-year students will require:**

**1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)**

**2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear**

Neville: We never wore them, anyway.

**3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)**

**4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)**

**Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags.**

**COURSE BOOKS **

**All students should have a copy of each of the following:**

_**The Standard Books of Spells (Grade 1) **_**by Miranda Goshawk**

_**A History of Magic **_**by Bathilda Bagshot**

_**A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration**_** by Emeric Switch**

Luna: That's an appropriate name.

_**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi **_**by Phyllida Spore **

Harry: And that one.

_**Magical Drafts and Potions **_**by Arsenius Jigger**

Hermione: And that one.

Ron: What has 'Arsenius' got to do with Potions?

Minerva: What poisonous Potions ingredient does it sound like?

Ron: Err... pass.

Luna (sighing): Arsenic!

Ron: Oh!

_**Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them **_**by Newt Scamander**

Neville: Another apt name.

_**The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection **_**by Quentin Trimble**

**OTHER EQUIPMENT**

**1 wand**

**1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)**

**1 set glass or crystal phials**

**1 telescope**

**1 set brass scales**

**Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad**

Ron: Why on earth would you want a toad?

Neville (clears his throat): They are fine as pets.

Ron: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Neville.

Neville: It's all right. To tell the truth, they are _very_ boring.

**PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS**

Harry: Why is that?

(Minerva and Horace both shrug).

Minerva: No idea.

Horace: Tradition, I suppose.

"**Can we buy all this in London?" Harry wondered aloud.**

"**If yeh know where to go," said Hagrid.**

Ginny: Ooh, mysterious.

**Harry had never been to London before. Although Hagrid seemed to know where he was going, he was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way. He got stuck in the ticket barrier on the Underground,**

(All laugh).

George: That paints a brilliant picture in my head.

**and complained loudly that the seats were too small and trains too slow.**

Hermione: Well, I suppose if you're used to Floo powder and Apparation and Portkeys, they do feel quite slow.

"**I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," **

Luna: Quite easily, actually.

**he said as they climbed a broken-down escalator that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.**

**Hagrid was so huge that he parted the crowd easily; all Harry had to do was keep close behind him.**

**They passed book shops and music stores, hamburger restaurants and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand. **

Horace: That's because they're Muggle shops.

**This was just an ordinary street full of ordinary people. Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried miles beneath them? **

Ginny: YES!

**Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks? **

Minerva: YES!

**Might this not all be some huge joke the Dursleys had cooked up? **

George: A joke? Are they capable of joking?

**If Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys had no sense of humour, he might have thought so; yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable, Harry couldn't help trusting him.**

Neville: Thank goodness you did.

"**This is it," said Hagrid, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron. It's a famous place."**

Horace: Among wizards, yes.

**It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If Hagrid hadn't pointed it out, Harry wouldn't have noticed it was there. The people hurrying by didn't glance at it. Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all. **

Minerva: That would be because they can't!

**In fact, Harry had the most peculiar feeling that only he and Hagrid could see it.**

**Before he could mention this, Hagrid had steered him inside.**

**For a famous place, it was very dark and shabby. **

Hermione: Just because it's famous, doesn't mean it's top-notch.

**A few old women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. One of them was smoking a long pipe. A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut. **

Horace: Good job Tom isn't here, isn't it?

**The low buzz of chatter stopped when they walked in. Everyone seemed to know Hagrid; **

Ron: Who doesn't?

**they waved and smiled at him, and the bartender reached for a glass, saying, "The usual, Hagrid?"**

"**Can't, Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid, clapping his great hand on Harry's shoulder and making Harry's knees buckle.**

"**Good Lord," said the bartender, peering at Harry, "is this-can this be-?"**

George: Yes, it IS... THE CHOSEN ONE!

Harry: Shut up!

**The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone completely still and silent.**

Neville: That only happens once in a blue moon.

"**Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter…what an honour."**

**He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed toward Harry and seized his hand, tears in his eyes.**

"**Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back."**

Hermione: Didn't you just wish that people would leave you alone?

Harry: More times than you can imagine.

**Harry didn't know what to say. Everyone was looking at him. **

Minerva: I know what that feels like.

**The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out.**

Ginny: Hmm… that's clever.

**Hagrid was beaming.**

**Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.**

George: I hope you sterilized your hands afterwards.

"**Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last."**

Ron: Where've I heard that name before?

"**So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud."**

"**Always wanted to shake your hand-I'm all of a flutter."**

Hermione: Oh, I wish people would grow up.

Ginny: I'm sure you would get a little star-struck, if you spent most of your spare time in a pub.

"**Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."**

Minerva and Horace: Idiot!

"**I've seen you before!" said Harry, as Dedalus Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement. "You bowed to me once in a shop."**

"**He remembers!" cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? He remembers me!"**

Horace and Minerva: For Merlin's SAKE!

**Harry shook hands again and again-Doris Crockford kept coming back for more.**

**A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously. One of his eyes was twitching.**

"**Professor Quirrell!" **

Weasleys, Harry and Hermione: Uh oh.

**said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."**

"**P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."**

Minerva: URGH! Get a grip, man!

Ron: Moving on…

"**What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"**

"**D-Defence Against the D-D-Dark Arts," muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it. "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?"**

Harry: Oh, you would be surprised.

**He laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? **

George: No, he's just looking for the invisible goblin who roams the streets, wreaking havoc among the innocent shoppers.

**I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m-myself." He looked terrified at the very thought.**

Minerva: He looked terrified at almost everything.

Harry: Yeah, he should have gone to stage school.

**But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell keep Harry to himself. It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all. **

Harry: Longest ten minutes of my life.

**At last, Hagrid managed to make himself heard over the babble.**

"**Must get on-lots ter buy. Come on, Harry."**

**Doris Crockford** **shook Harry's hand one last time, and Hagrid led them through the bar and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a trash can and a few weeds.**

George: Then Hagrid said: "This is where you'll be sleepin', Harry. Enjoy." And with that, he was gone.

Horace: Quiet down, please.

**Hagrid grinned at Harry.**

"**Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous. Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meet yeh-mind you, he's usually tremblin'."**

George: You got that right.

"**Is he always that nervous?"**

"**Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. **

Ron: Sure, are you?

**He was fine while he was studyin' outta books but then he took a year off ter get some first-hand experience… **

Hermione: Muggles call it a gap-year.

**They say he met a vampire in the Black Forest,**

Horace: Pfft, as if!

**and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a hag**

Minerva: Oh, he met Umbridge, did he?

George: GO McG!

Minerva: Don't call me that ever again.

George: It'll cost you.

Minerva: (glaring) You're not serious?

George: Deadly.

Minerva: Oh, bugger off.

Ron: I think I'll carry on before they kill each other.

**-never been the same since. Scared of the students, **

Ginny: Well, he'd have to be with Fred and George going there.

**scared of his own subject-now, where's me umbrella?"**

**Vampires? Hags? Harry's head was swimming. **

Luna: That sounds interesting.

Neville: Luna, how many times do I have to tell you?

Luna: Tell me what?

Neville: URGH! Never mind!

**Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks in the wall above the trash can.**

"**Three up…two across…" he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."**

**He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella.**

**The brick he had touched quivered-it wriggled-in the middle, a small hole appeared-it grew wider and wider-a second later they were facing **

George: Severus Snape carrying a Muggle gun and a severed head?

Ron: Voldemort wearing a bright pink wig and an 'L' plate?

Horace: Minerva wearing a tutu and fairy wings?

Minerva: Horace! Stop encouraging them!

**an archway large enough even for Hagrid, and archway onto a cobbled street that twisted and turned out of sight.**

"**Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."**

All: YAY!

**He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway. **

Hermione: Riveting, really.

**Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.**

**The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. Cauldron-All Sizes-Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver, Self-Stirring, **

Hermione: They are a nuisance after a while.

**Collapsible, said a sign hanging over them.**

"**Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."**

**Harry wished he had about eight more eyes. **

Neville: No need to worry, Harry, you'll be going there a lot.

**He turned his head in every direction as they walked up the street, trying to look at everything at once: **

Luna: Not going to happen, I'm afraid.

**the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping. A plump woman outside an Apothecary was shaking her head as they passed, saying, "Dragon liver, seventeen Sickles an ounce, they're mad…"**

Horace: Yikes, that _is _a lot for dragon liver.

Minerva: In case you hadn't noticed, it is rather difficult to obtain the liver of a dragon.

Horace: Do you have the answer to everything?

Luna: Nobody has the answer to everything.

Minerva: I do have _an_ answer for everything, whether it is right or not is merely a technicality.

**A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium-Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy. **

Harry: Hedwig rocked!

Ginny: She was awesome.

**Several boys about Harry's age had their noses pressed against a window with broomsticks in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand-faster ever-"**

Harry: And my first ever broomstick. Thanks, Professor.

Minerva: No trouble, really.

**There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver instruments **

Harry: Kinda like the ones in Professor Dumbledore's office.

**Harry had never seen before, window stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes, tottering piles of spell books, quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon…**

Luna: Globes of the moon?

Horace: Useful for divination.

Minerva: Though they are more commonly used in Astronomy.

"**Gringotts," said Hagrid.**

**They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold,**

All (except Horace and Luna): GO GRYFFINDOR!

**was-**

"**Yeah, that's a goblin," **

George: What else would it be?

**said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him. The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry. **

George: Weren't very tall, were you, Harry?

**He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet. He bowed as they walked inside. Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:**

_**Enter, stranger, but take heed**_

_**Of what awaits the sin of greed,**_

_**For those who take, but do not earn,**_

_**Must pay most dearly in their turn.**_

_**So if you seek beneath our floors**_

_**A treasure that was never yours,**_

_**Thief, you have been warned, beware**_

_**Of finding more than treasure there.**_

Hermione: I quite like that poem.

"**Like I said, yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it," said Hagrid.**

**A pair of goblins bowed them through the silver doors and they were in a vast marble hall. About a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses. **

Ron: I really don't like goblins.

Neville: Join the club.

**There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these. Hagrid and Harry made for the counter.**

"**Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."**

"**You have his key, sir?"**

Harry: No, we just thought we'd go into Gringotts and take it by ourselves, asking a couple of goblins for directions on the way.

Hermione: Someone's been bitten by the sarcasm bug.

Luna: I've never heard of that one.

"**Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering a handful of mouldy dog biscuits over the goblin's book of numbers.**

George: Mmm… nice!

**The goblin wrinkled his nose. Harry watched the goblin on their right weighing a pile of rubies as big as glowing coals.**

Ron: You don't think one of those was _the_ Stone, do you?

Hermione: Ronald, why would they be weighing it, along with so many other gems, in front of everybody?

Harry: No, Ron, it was already in the vault.

"**Got it," said Hagrid at last, holding up a tiny golden key.**

**The goblin looked at it closely.**

Neville: As if it would be a fake.

Minerva: People have tried to imitate the keys before.

"**That seems to be in order."**

"**An' I've got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly, throwing out his chest. "It's about the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen."**

Harry: He still said that. When he should have known that I would have a million more questions. Yet he still said it.

**The goblin read the letter carefully.**

"**Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"**

Minerva: Oh, I know him.

Horace: Yeah, me as well.

**Griphook was yet another goblin. **

George: No way?

**Once Hagrid had crammed all the dog biscuits back inside his pockets, **

Ginny: Eww!

**he and Harry followed Griphook toward one of the doors leading off the hall.**

"**What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.**

"**Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously. "Very secret. **

Minerva: Now he'll want to know more!

**Hogwarts business. Dumbledore's trusted me. More my job's worth ter tell yeh that."**

**Griphook held the door open for them. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised. They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor. **

Hermione: That reminds me of some of those old Muggle cartoons.

**Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them. They climbed in-Hagrid with some difficulty**

Horace: I can imagine that was the case.

**-and were off.**

**At first they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. Harry tried to remember, left, right, right, left, middle fork, right, left, but it was impossible. **

Minerva: One, nothing is impossible. Two, it's supposed to be difficult, otherwise you would get people robbing it constantly.

Harry: 'Nothing is impossible'? Where'd you get that from?

Minerva: It's true.

Ron: Can I keep reading?

**The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering.**

**Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed past them, but he kept them wide open. Once, he thought he saw a burst of fire at the end of a passage and twisted around to see if it was a dragon, **

Ron: It probably was.

**but too late-they plunged even deeper, passing an underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites grew from the ceiling and floor.**

"**I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"**

George: Who really cares?

"**Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," **

Minerva: Well done, Hagrid.

**said Hagrid. "An' don' ask me questions just now, I think I'm gonna be sick."**

**He did look very green,**

Horace: I was like that on my first ever trip to my vault.

**and when the cart stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, Hagrid got out and had to lean against the wall to stop his knees from trembling.**

**Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, **

George: Like Snape's cloak.

**and as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.**

"**All yours," smiled Hagrid.**

**All Harry's-it was incredible. The Dursleys couldn't have known about this or they'd have had it from him faster than blinking. **

Ginny: Evil gits!

**How often had they complained how much Harry cost them to keep?**

Minerva: Honestly?

Harry: Yep.

Horace: My step-father was like that. The git.

Harry: Are you sure you're okay, Professor?

**And all the time there had been a small fortune belonging to him, buried deep under London.**

**Hagrid helped Harry pile some of it into a bag.**

"**The gold ones are Galleons," he explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it's easy enough. **

Harry: Yeah right! Took me ages to remember that.

Hermione: I picked it up quite easily.

Ron: You would.

**Right, that should be enough fer a couple o' terms, we'll keep the rest safe for yeh." He turned to Griphook. "Vault seven hundred and thirteen, please, and can we go more slowly?"**

Neville: Trust Hagrid!

"**One speed only," said Griphook.**

**They were going even deeper now and gathering speed.**

George: Wow, J.K. Rowling has a knack for explaining things that don't need to be, doesn't she?

**The air became colder and colder as they hurtled round tight corners. They went rattling over an underground ravine, and Harry leaned over the side to try to see what was down at the dark bottom, **

Ginny: Oh, that was clever!

**but Hagrid groaned and pulled him back by the scruff of his neck.**

**Vault seven hundred and thirteen had no keyhole.**

"**Stand back," said Griphook importantly. **

George: Hmm… not quite so intimidating when said by a goblin, is it?

Horace: Oh, don't underestimate goblins, m'boy. Not in front of them, anyway.

**He stroked the door gently with one of his long fingers and it simply melted away.**

Horace: I wonder if that would happen if I stroked Minerva when she's in her Animagus form?

Minerva: I wouldn't try it.

Horace: Why not?

Minerva: I'm a better dueller than you.

Horace: How would you know?

Minerva: I have my ways.

Horace: ARGH! Again with the mysterious stuff.

"**If anyone but a Gringotts goblin tried that, they'd be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook.**

"**How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" Harry asked.**

"**About once every ten years,"**

Luna: I don't think they would be alive after ten years.

Neville: I think that's the point, Luna.

Luna: Well, that's not very nice, is it?

**said Griphook with a rather nasty grin.**

**Something really extraordinary had to be inside this top security vault, Harry was sure, and he leaned forward eagerly, expecting to see fabulous jewels at the very least**

Luna: Just because something is fabulous and pretty doesn't mean it is particularly valuable or extraordinary.

**-but at first he thought it was empty. Then he noticed a grubby little package wrapped up in brown paper lying on the floor.**

George: So, she hardly describes that but she writes pages about a cart ride.

**Hagrid picked it up and tucked it deep inside his coat. Harry longed to know what it was, but knew better than to ask.**

Minerva: For once his curiosity didn't get the better of him.

Hermione: I wouldn't speak so soon, if I were you.

Minerva: Ooh, now I'm interested.

"**Come on, back in this infernal cart, and don't talk to me on the way, it's best if I keep me mouth shut," said Hagrid.**

**One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the sunlight outside Gringotts. Harry didn't know where to run first now that he had a bag full of money. **

Horace: Don't let it burn a hole in your pocket.

Harry: It was the first time I had ever had any proper amount of money.

**He didn't have to know how many Galleons there were to a pound to know that he was holding more money than he'd had in his whole life-more money than even Dudley had ever had.**

"**Might as well get yer uniform," **

Ginny: Well, that seems like a good place to start.

**said Hagrid, nodding toward Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. "Listen, Harry, would yeh mind if I slipped off fer a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron? **

Minerva: HAGRID!!

Ron: He can't hear you.

Minerva: I know. But still, how could he do that? Harry had never been in Diagon Alley before, he could have got lost.

Harry: Don't worry about it, I was fine.

**I hate them Gringotts carts." He did still look a bit sick, so Harry entered Madam Malkin's shop alone, feeling nervous.**

**Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed all in mauve.**

"**Hogwarts, dear?"**

George: No, he's starting work in a Muggle coffee shop.

**she said, when Harry started to speak. "Got the lot here-another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."**

**In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face**

Hermione: I don't like the sound of this.

**was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.**

"**Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"**

Ron: These people are really observant, aren't they?

"**Yes," said Harry.**

"**My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," **

George: Bet it's Malfoy!

**said the boy. He had a bored, drawling voice. "Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. **

Horace: Maybe we should let first-years have their own brooms.

Minerva: WE? I run the school, thank you, and I prefer things as they are.

**I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."**

George: Definitely Malfoy!

**Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.**

Neville: Malfoy did have that kind of air about him, didn't he?

"**Have **_**you**_** got your own broom?" the boy went on.**

"**No," said Harry.**

"**Play Quidditch at all?"**

"**No," Harry said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be.**

Minerva: Oh good heavens! Poor boy, not knowing about Quidditch.

Harry: I was brought up by Muggles.

Minerva: Oh, I know. I was just being melodramatic.

Horace: She does it a lot.

Neville: And he means 'a_ lot'_!

"_**I**_** do-Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my House, **

Ginny: Cocky git!

**and I must say, I agree. Know what House you'll be in yet?"**

"**No," said Harry, feeling more stupid by the minute.**

Hermione: Don't let that idiot get the better of you.

"**Well, no one really know until they get there, do they, but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been**

Minerva: That doesn't make a difference, the rest of my family were in Ravenclaw.

Horace: My mother was a Hufflepuff but the rest were Slytherins.

Ron: Imagine, a Slytherin actually getting along with a Hufflepuff.

**-imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"**

Ron: See what I mean?

"**Mmm," said Harry, wishing he could say something a bit more interesting.**

Hermione: You had no idea what he was talking about, did you?

Harry: Not a clue!

"**I say, look at that man!" **

George: Nosy git.

**said the boy suddenly, nodding toward the front window. Hagrid was standing there, grinning at Harry and pointing to two large ice creams to show he couldn't come in.**

Horace: He did have some sense, then.

"**That's Hagrid," said Harry, pleased to know something the boy didn't. "He works at Hogwarts."**

"**Oh," said the boy, "I've heard of him. He's a sort of servant, isn't he?"**

Weasleys, Minerva and Neville: SERVANT??!

George: Stupid arse!

"**He's the gamekeeper," said Harry. He was liking the boy less and less every second.**

Ginny: I'm not surprised.

"**Yes, exactly. I heard he's a sort of **_**savage**_

(Everyone glares at the book).

**-lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, **

Minerva: Granted, that's true. It's very rarely, though. However, he never does anything stupid and he stays away from the students.

**tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed."**

Horace: Liar.

"**I think he's brilliant," said Harry coldly.**

Weasleys: GO HARRY!

"_**Do**_** you?" said the boy, with a slight sneer. "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"**

Hermione: Oops, foot and mouth.

Luna: What?

Hermione: It means that he's saying things he shouldn't.

"**They're dead," said Harry shortly. He didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy.**

Harry: Or anyone else, for that matter.

"**Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all. "But they were **_**our**_** kind, weren't they?"**

(Everyone gapes at the book).

Neville: He actually said that?

"**They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean."**

"**I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? **

Hermione: WHAT?

Harry: Hermione, you know what he was like. Why are you so surprised?

**They're just not the same, they've never been brought up to know our ways. **

Minerva: Neither have some Pureblood wizards. Some parents prefer for their children to just be children until they start showing signs of magic.

**Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. **

Ron: Stupid git.

**What's your surname, anyway?"**

George: Don't tell him, Harry!

**But before Harry could answer, Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear," and Harry, not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy, hopped down from the footstool.**

Ginny: What are you, a frog?

"**Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy.**

**Harry was rather quiet as he ate the ice cream Hagrid had bought him (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts).**

Harry: That was rather tasty.

Luna: I prefer mint.

"**What's up?" said Hagrid.**

"**Nothing," Harry lied. They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up a bit when he found a bottle of ink that changed colour as you wrote. **

George: That cheered you up?

**When they had left the shop, he said, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"**

"**Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know-not knowin' about Quidditch!"**

(Minerva opens her mouth to speak but Horace stops her).

Horace: Not one word about Quidditch.

Minerva: Humph.

Harry: Don't worry, I checked earlier and there is a whole chapter about Quidditch later on.

"**Don't make me feel worse," said Harry. He told Hagrid about the pale boy in Madam Malkin's. **

"**-and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in -"**

Ron: Git.

"**Yer not **_**from**_** a Muggle family. **

Harry: I knew that already.

**If he'd known who yeh **_**were**_**-he's grown up knowin' yer name if his parents are wizardin' folk. **

George: The way he was talking, Hagrid, I think it was safe to say that his folks were magic.

**You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron was like when they saw yeh. Anyway, what does he know about it, some o' the best I ever saw were the only ones with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles**

Harry: Like Hermione.

Hermione (blushes): Thanks Harry.

- **look at yer mum! Look what she had fer a sister!"**

Horace: Poor girl.

"**So what **_**is**_** Quidditch?"**

"**It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like-like football in the Muggle world-everyone follows Quidditch**

Hermione: Not everyone.

Ron: Let me rephrase that: "everyone who has a life follows Quidditch".

Ginny: Remember, Ron, she looks after your children when you can't.

Minerva: Saying that, where are the children?

Hermione: Ours are with my parents for the weekend.

Ginny: And ours are at the Burrow.

**-played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls-sorta hard ter explain the rules."**

Minerva: No it's not.

"**And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"**

"**School Houses. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, **

George: And, in most cases, they're right.

**but -"**

"**I bet I'm in Hufflepuff," said Harry gloomily.**

Horace: Have faith, Harry.

"**Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," **

Ginny: Too true.

Horace: I resent that.

**said Hagrid darkly. "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin. **

Hermione: Not completely right.

**You-Know-Who was one."**

"**Vol-, sorry-You-Know-Who was at Hogwarts?"**

Ron: Where else would he go?

Harry: The Worldwide Academy for Evil Gits?

Minerva: He was a year below me in school.

Harry: What was he like?

Minerva: Merlin, where do I start?

"**Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.**

Minerva: Hey! It wasn't that long ago.

(George snorts).

**They bought Harry's school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps in covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and a few books with nothing in them at all. **

Luna: They all have something in them, you just have to find it.

**Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these. **

George: That'll be the ones on curses, then.

**Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from **_**Curses and Counter-curses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss,**_

Minerva: Horace doesn't need a curse for that!

Horace: Hey! My hair is not _that_ bad!

_**Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much More)**_** by Professor Vindictus Viridian.**

Hermione: Yet another appropriate name.

"**I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley."**

"**I'm not sayin' that's not a good idea, **

Minerva: HAGRID!!

**but yer not ter use magic in the Muggle world except in very special circumstances,"**

Minerva: Oh, yeah, like giving a boy a pig's tail!

**said Hagrid. "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more study before yeh get ter that level."**

George: Like they'd teach us that in a school.

**Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, **

Horace: You're better off with pewter, unless you use it for decoration.

**either ("It says pewter on yer list"), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. Then they visited the Apothecary, which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, **

Horace: The one I worked at smelled awful, too. I used a bubblehead charm for the most part.

**a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages.**

**Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor; jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundles of feathers, strings of fangs, and snarled claws hung from the ceiling. **

Luna: That sounds pleasant.

**While Hagrid asked the man behind the counter for a supply of some basic potion ingredients for Harry, Harry himself examined silver unicorn horns at twenty-one Galleons each and minuscule, **

Harry: That's a little steep, isn't it?

Horace: Unicorn horns are hard to come by.

**glittery-black beetle eyes (five Knuts a scoop).**

Horace: That's not too bad.

**Outside the Apothecary, Hagrid checked Harry's list again.**

"**Just yer wand left-oh yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."**

**Harry felt himself go red.**

"**You don't have to -"**

Ginny: But he will, any way.

"**I know I don't have to. Tell yeh what, I'll get yer animal. Not a toad, toads went outta fashion years ago, **

Neville: No comment!

**yeh'd be laughed at-an' I don' like cats, they make me sneeze. **

Minerva: Nice to know where you stand.

Hermione: We have a Persian cat at home. Do you have pets?

Minerva: I have an owl and my husband has a golden retriever.

Horace: I have a Jack Russell called Palmer.

**I'll get yer an owl. All the kids want owls, they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everythin'."**

George (bored): I would never have guessed.

Ginny: You forget that Harry was brought up by Muggles.

George: No I don't; it's just that if I blank them out, I can focus on not murdering them in their sleep.

**Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes. Harry now carried a large cage that held beautiful snowy owl, **

Weasleys: Hoorah!

**fast asleep with her head under her wing. **

**He couldn't stop stammering his thanks, sounding just like Professor Quirrell.**

Neville: Lucky you.

"**Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've had a lotta presents from them Dursleys. **

Harry: Oh, I did get presents, just not any nice ones.

**Just Ollivanders left now-only place fer wands, Ollivanders, and yeh gotta have the best wand."**

**A magic wand…this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.**

Hermione: Don't tell me that you thought it was going to be like one of those Muggle magician wands.

Harry: N-no… of course not.

**The last shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C. A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window.**

Ron: Whose was that?

Horace: I'm sure if you asked Mr Ollivander, he would have told you.

Ron: I knew that.

**A tinkling bell rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single, spindly chair that Hagrid sat on to wait.**

George: And it didn't break?

**Harry felt strangely as though he had entered a very strict library; he swallowed a lot of new questions that had just occurred to him and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly **

Horace: It was never very neat when his father ran it.

**right up to the ceiling. For some reason, the back of his neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic.**

Minerva: Perhaps that was due to the thousands of wands contained in the shop.

"**Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. Hagrid must have jumped, too, because there was a loud crunching noise and he got quickly off the spindly chair.**

George: Ah, that's what I was waiting for.

**An old man was standing before them, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons through the gloom of the shop.**

"**Hello," said Harry awkwardly.**

"**Ah, yes," said the man. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. **

Hermione: That's obvious.

"**You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."**

Harry: I always found it strange how he could remember all of those wands.

**Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry. Harry wished he would blink. Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy.**

Minerva: I always thought that his eyes looked a bit… dead. But then, he was _very _strange.

"**Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favoured it-it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."**

Horace: Mine is made of ebony with a unicorn hair core. Twelve inches.

Minerva: Mine is mahogany with a phoenix tail feather core. Twelve-and-a-half inches.

Horace: Why do you always have to be just that little bit better?

Minerva: Because I happen to be the most –how does George put it? - _awesome _person in this room.

Harry: What? I defeated Voldemort!

Minerva: And I've lived to fight more dark wizards than I care to remember and to shape the little minds of _thousands_ of young witches and wizards. I win.

Ron: She has a point.

**Mr. Ollivander had come so close that he and Harry were almost nose to nose. **

George: An experience, I am glad to say, that I never had to endure.

Harry: Yeah, I didn't enjoy it one bit.

**Harry could see himself reflected in those misty eyes.**

"**And that's where…"**

**Mr. Ollivander touched the lightning scar on Harry's forehead with a long, white finger.**

Ginny: He's a polite guy, isn't he?

"**I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," **

Horace: Well, where else would he get it from?

**he said softly. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands...**

George: Which it was.

**well, if I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do…"**

George: To murder and torture countless innocent people.

Horace: Knowing him, he probably still would have sold it if he knew what Tom would do.

Harry: I'm not so sure.

**He shook his head and then, to Harry's relief, spotted Hagrid.**

"**Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again…. Oak, sixteen inches, **

Ron: _Sixteen_? Bloody hell!

**rather bendy, wasn't it?"**

"**It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.**

Hermione: I have to say, I'm surprised that he didn't break it himself, by accident.

"**Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?"**

Neville: As is the procedure. I always thought that was a little harsh, though.

Minerva: It's more of a deterrent, really; stops people from doing things that are too extreme. (Looks at Harry, Ron and Hermione) Barring you three, of course.

**said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.**

"**Er-yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.**

"**But you don't **_**use**_** them?" **

George: Why would he tell you?

**said Mr. Ollivander sharply.**

"**Oh, no, sir," **

Ron: No, of course not. We'll believe you Hagrid, thousands wouldn't.

**said Hagrid quickly. Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.**

Horace: He could never lie properly.

"**Hmmm," said Mr. Ollivander, giving Hagrid a piercing look. "Well, now-Mr. Potter. Let me see." He pulled a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket. "Which is your wand arm?"**

"**Er-well, I'm right-handed," **

George: That would be your wand arm!

**said Harry.**

"**Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round his head. **

Harry: I never liked that tape measure – it freaked me out.

**As he measured, he said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers, and the heartstrings of dragons. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same. **

Minerva: He's still doing that speech?

**And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."**

Horace: But it has been known to happen occasionally.

**Harry suddenly realized that the tape measure, which was measuring between his nostrils,**

Ginny: Why does it do that?

Minerva: I have no idea; just a little bit perverted, perhaps?

George: I always thought that, too.

**was doing this on its own. Mr. Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes.**

"**That will do," he said, and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Mr. Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."**

**Harry took the wand and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.**

Ginny: Like I said, he was a polite man.

"**Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy. Try -"**

**Harry tried-but he hardly raised the wand when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.**

Hermione: I wish he would learn some manners.

"**No, no-here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy. Go on, go on, try it out."**

**Harry tried. And tried. He had no idea what Mr. Ollivander was waiting for. The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, **

Neville: I found mine quite quickly.

Ginny: Me too, I only had to try a few.

Luna: I had to try at least a dozen before I found my wand.

**but the more wands Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.**

Ron: Anyone else find that odd?

"**Tricky customer, eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere-I wonder, now-yes, why not-unusual combination-holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."**

**Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. **

Weasleys: YAY!

**He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks **

Harry: Oh, I've just realised, that's the Gryffindor colours.

Minerva: That's the sign of a true Gryffindor.

Luna: Did your wand do that, Professor?

Minerva: Yes, and my eyes glowed really bright green for a while, but I have no idea why they did that.

**shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls. Hagrid whooped and clapped **

George: Bet that hurt your ears.

**and Mr. Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good. Well, well, well…how curious…how very curious…"**

Ginny: What's curious?

**He put Harry's wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper, still muttering, "Curious…curious…"**

Neville: Shut up and tell us what's bloody curious!

"**Sorry," said Harry, "but **_**what's**_** curious?"**

**Mr. Ollivander fixed Harry with his pale stare.**

"**I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. **

Ron: Merlin knows how.

**Every single wand. **

Horace: Now he's just showing off.

**It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in you wand, gave another feather-**

Horace: That really is curious.

**just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother-why, its brother gave you that scar."**

Horace: Oh. Whoa.

**Harry swallowed.**

"**Yes, thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember…. I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter…. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things,**

Minerva: I wouldn't call them great, by any means.

**terrible, yes, but great."**

**Harry shivered. He wasn't sure he liked Mr. Ollivander too much.**

Ron: Who does?

**He paid seven gold Galleons for his wand, and Mr. Ollivander bowed them from his shop.**

**The late afternoon sun hung low in the sky as Harry and Hagrid made their way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, back through the Leaky Cauldron, now empty. **

Harry: Thankfully.

**Harry didn't speak at all as they walked down the road; he didn't even notice how much people were gawking at them on the Underground, **

Minerva: I hope you got all of their addresses.

Harry: Why ever would I do that?

Minerva: Well, I have a feeling that they would want their eyes posted back to them.

**laden as they were with all their funny-shaped packages, with the snowy owl asleep in its cage **

Hermione: Just a bit odd.

**on Harry's lap. Up another escalator, out into Paddington station; Harry only realized where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder.**

"**Got time fer a bit to eat before yer train leaves," he said.**

Horace: Is that all that man can think about?

George: That and deadly creatures.

**He bought Harry a hamburger and they sat down on plastic seats to eat them. Harry kept looking around. Everything looked so strange, somehow.**

Ron: And Diagon Alley didn't?

"**You all right, Harry? Yer very quiet," said Hagrid.**

Hermione: Well, you would be too if you had just discovered that you were a wizard and then got taken to Diagon Alley, where everybody knew your name. And then bought your first wand and-

Ron: 'Mione, please stop. Now.

**Harry wasn't sure he could explain. He'd just had the best birthday of his life-and yet**

George: It was weird as hell and all felt like a dream. Am I right?

Harry: Yeah, actually.

**-he chewed his hamburger, trying to find the words.**

"**Everyone thinks I'm special," he said at last. "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, **

George: Git.

**Mr. Ollivander…but I don't know anything about magic at all. How can they expect great things? **

Minerva: It's not how you start out, it's how you finish.

**I'm famous and I can't even remember what I'm famous for. I don't know what happened when Vol-, sorry-**

Hermione: Stop apologizing, Harry.

**I mean, the night my parents died."**

**Hagrid leaned across the table. Behind the wild beard and eyebrows he wore a very kind smile.**

"**Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough. Everyone always starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, **

Minerva: Not always; I didn't. My parents tutored me at home until I was old enough to go to Hogwarts.

**you'll be just fine. Just be yerself. I know it's hard. Yeh've been singled out, an' that's always hard. **

Horace: He should know.

**But yeh'll have a great time at Hogwarts**

All: Too right!

**-I did-still do, 'smatter of fact."**

**Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys, **

Ron: Shame.

**then handed him an envelope.**

"**Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," **

George: Why do they bother with tickets, it's not easy to forget.

Minerva: You would be surprised.

**he said. "First o' September-King's Cross-it's all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl, she'll know where to find me… See yeh soon, Harry."**

**The train pulled out of the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; **

George: That would have taken a while.

**he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.**

Ron: All right, who's up next?

Horace: That'll be me!

(Ron hands Horace the book).

_A/N: If you don't know the songs that I mentioned in this chapter, check them out on You Tube. They are both awesome songs._

_You see that little button, just down there? See it? Yes? Well, that is Mr Review. Say 'hello,' Mr Review._

_What was that Mr Review? Oh, Mr Review says hello! Pardon, what was that? Oh, yeah, I'll tell them. Mr Review says that he would be very happy if you pushed him and left him a note._

_Don't worry; I'm not mad… much! ___


	6. Platform Nine and ThreeQuarters

_A/N: WARNING: In this chapter, you will hear (or read) some comments from certain people (*cough* Horace *cough* Minerva *cough*) that I am pretty certain that you won't have been expecting. Just thought I'd warn you, I don't want to be held responsible for anybody fainting while reading my story. ENJOY! __J_

Horace: Alright, then, here we go!

**Chapter Six**

**The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters**

Ron: How many bloody chapters are there?

Hermione: Seventeen. I checked earlier.

Luna: At least you get to Hogwarts soon.

**Harry's last month with the Dursleys wasn't fun. **

Harry: No kidding.

**True, Dudley was now so scared of Harry he wouldn't stay in the same room,**

Neville: Well, there's a good point.

**while Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon didn't shut Harry in his cupboard, force him to do anything, or shout at him-in fact, they didn't speak to him at all. **

George: Bet that bit was bliss.

**Half terrified,** **half furious, they acted as though any chair with Harry in it were empty. **

Ron: Okay, that's not so good.

**Although this was an improvement in many ways, it did become a bit depressing after a while.**

Hermione: I'm not surprised.

Harry: I have to say, J.K. Rowling has made it sound like I'm a bit of an attention seeker.

George: Well...

Harry: Not a word!

**Harry kept to his room, with his new owl for company. He had decided to call her Hedwig,**

Luna: Did you name her after the saint?

Harry: No. I read it in a book somewhere.

**a name he had found in **_**A History**_ _**of Magic**_**. **

Harry: That's the one!

**His school books were very interesting. **

Minerva: The more interesting they were, the more likely you were to read them. That's why we chose them.

**He lay on his bed reading late into the night, Hedwig swooping in and out of the open window as she pleased. It was lucky that Aunt Petunia didn't come in to vacuum anymore, because Hedwig kept bringing back dead mice.**

Hermione: They're supposed to be presents.

George: I think I'd rather have the crap that they used to send Harry for Christmas.

**Every night before he went to sleep, Harry ticked off another day on the piece of paper he had pinned to the wall, counting down to September the first.**

**On the last day of August he thought he'd better speak to his aunt and uncle about getting to King's Cross station the next day, **

Ron: You left it that late? What if they said they wouldn't take you?

Minerva: He'd do something stupid like he did at the start of his second year, rather than owling us.

Harry: I wasn't thinking then!

George (whispering): Does he ever?

**so he went down to the living room where they were watching a quiz show on television. **

Harry: As per usual.

**He cleared his throat to let them know he was there, and Dudley screamed and ran from the room.**

(All laugh).

Horace and George: Idiot!

"**Er-Uncle Vernon?"**

**Uncle Vernon grunted to show he was listening.**

"**Er-I need to be at King's Cross tomorrow to-to go to Hogwarts."**

**Uncle Vernon grunted again.**

Ron: Pig.

"**Would it be all right if you gave me a lift?"**

George: Then Uncle Vernon exploded into a fit of fury and bellowed: "NO, boy, you can find your own way!" Harry didn't know what to think. Perhaps he could persuade Uncle Vernon to take him to the station some other way…

Ginny: SHUT UP!

**Grunt.**

**Harry supposed that meant yes.**

Neville: Good call.

"**Thank you."**

**He was about to go back upstairs when Uncle Vernon actually spoke.**

Ginny: Damn. Just when it was starting to get peaceful.

"**Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?"**

(George is staring at the book in disbelief).

Hermione: He didn't actually say that, did he?

Ron: Well, it's written there so I think it's safe to say that he did.

**Harry didn't say anything.**

"**Where is this school, anyway?"**

Harry: How come everyone knows Hogwarts is in Scotland, but nobody would say where Durmstrang is?

Horace: Some schools are very secretive about their locations, lest it be attacked.

Minerva: Or it could have been because Durmstrang, at the time, was run by an ex-Death Eater, who was petrified that You-Know-Who would be back for him.

"**I don't know," said Harry, realizing this for the first time.**

**He pulled the ticket Hagrid had given him out of his pocket.**

Luna: You won't find it there, Harry.

Everyone else: We know, Luna!

"**I just take the train from platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock," he read.**

**His aunt and uncle stared.**

"**Platform what?"**

George: Platform nine and three-quarters, or, as I like to call it, the platform of DOOOOM!!

Ginny: Platform of doom?

George: No. Platform of DOOOOM!!

Ginny: Why?

George: Don't ask.

Ron: She just did.

Horace: May I continue?

"**Nine and three-quarters."**

"**Don't talk rubbish," said Uncle Vernon. "There is no platform nine and three-quarters."**

Neville: That's what you think.

"**It's on my ticket."**

"**Barking," said Uncle Vernon, "howling mad, the lot of them. **

Minerva: Can't argue with that.

**You'll see. You just wait. All right, we'll take you to King's Cross. We're going up to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn't bother."**

Weasleys: Git.

"**Why are you going to London?" Harry asked, trying to keep things friendly.**

Hermione: Friendly? Friendly? With the Dursleys?

Harry: I don't remember saying that.

"**Taking Dudley to hospital," growled Uncle Vernon. "Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings."**

Ginny: Aww, he must have looked so much better with it there.

Neville: Why did they wait all that time to get it removed.

George: Must've taken them a while to find a hospital that treated pigs.

Luna: No, you misunderstand, he only had a pig's tail.

(All look at Luna worriedly).

**Harry woke at five o'clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn't want to walk into the station in his wizard's robes**

Minerva: Hoorah, he does have some common sense!

Harry: It has been known.

Hermione: I wouldn't expect it to happen too much over the course of this book, if I were you.

**-he'd change on the train. He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed, saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage, and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up. Two hours later, **

Luna: You paced for two hours?

Harry: I don't recall it being that long.

**Harry's huge, heavy trunk had been loaded into the Dursleys' car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry, **

Horace: Where else would he go?

Ron: On the roof?

Ginny: Dragged behind on a rope?

George: Roasting on a spit in the back seat?

**and they had set off.**

**They reached King's Cross at half past ten. **

Hermione: At least you weren't late.

**Uncle Vernon dumped Harry's trunk onto a cart and wheeled it into the station for him.  
Harry thought this was strangely kind until Uncle Vernon stopped dead, facing the platforms with a nasty grin on his face.**

Neville: Uh oh.

Luna: How do you have a nasty grin?

Harry: Oh, believe me, it's possible.

"**Well, there you are, boy. Platform nine-platform ten. Your platform should be somewhere in the middle, **

Horace: Actually it would be closer to platform ten.

Minerva: Now is not the time to develop brain cells, Horace.

**but they don't seem to have built it yet, do they?"**

George: Or so you think.

**He was quite right, of course. **

Luna: No he wasn't.

**There was a big plastic number nine over one platform and a big plastic number ten over the one next to it, and in the middle, nothing at all.**

Ginny: Wow, I'm so interested right now.

"**Have a good term," said Uncle Vernon with an even nastier smile. He left without another word. Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away.**

Minerva and Hermione: THEY LEFT??!

**All three of them were laughing. **

George: One word…

All (except Luna): GITS.

**Harry's mouth went rather dry. What on earth was he going to do? He was starting to attract a lot of funny looks, because of Hedwig. He'd have to ask someone.**

Neville: Are you sure that's a good idea?

**He stopped a passing guard, but didn't dare mention platform nine and three-quarters.**

Ron: Good decision.

**The guard had never heard of Hogwarts and when Harry couldn't even tell him what part of the country it was in,** **he started to get annoyed, as though Harry was being stupid on purpose. **

Hermione: Some Muggles do that to get on your nerves. Some people call them chavs.

**Getting desperate, Harry asked the guard for the train that left at eleven o'clock, but the guard said there wasn't one. **

George: OH YES THERE IS!!

**In the end the guard strode away, muttering about time wasters. **

Neville: Idiot.

**Harry was now trying hard not to panic. According to the large clock over the arrivals board, he had ten minutes left to get on the train to Hogwarts and he had no idea how to do it; he was stranded in the middle of a station with a trunk he could hardly lift, a pocket full of wizard money, and a large owl.**

Ginny: Don't worry, it happens _all_ the time.

**Hagrid must have forgotten to tell him something you had to do, like tapping the third brick on the left to get into Diagon Alley. He wondered if he should get out his wand and start tapping the ticket inspector's stand between platforms nine and ten.**

Minerva: Please tell me you didn't.

Harry: I actually didn't.

**At that moment a group of people passed just behind him and he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

"**-packed with Muggles, of course-"**

Ron: Oooooooh! I know who this is!

**Harry swung around. The speaker was a plump woman** **who was talking to four boys, all with flaming red hair.**

George: HOORAY!!

**Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry's in front of him-and they had an **_**owl.**_

Ginny: (Gasp) It must be sign!

**Heart hammering, **

Luna: Ms. Rowling does have some rather painful descriptions, doesn't she?

George: Hang on, when did we decide that J.K. Rowling was a woman?

Minerva: When she started calling everything 'little'.

George: That means nothing!

(Minerva raises an eyebrow).

**Harry pushed his cart after them. They stopped and so did he, **

Ron: Stalking now, are we, Harry?

**just near enough to hear what they were saying.**

"**Now, what's the platform number?" said the boys' mother.**

Ginny: How did mum ever manage to forget that?

Ron: She didn't, she was testing us.

"**Nine and three-quarters!" piped a small girl, also red-headed, who was holding her hand, **

George: Aww, isn't that cute?

Ginny: SHUT UP! I was only ten!

"**Mum, can't I go…"**

"**You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. **

Ginny: Charming!

**All right, Percy,** **you go first."**

Ron and George: BOO!

**What looked like the oldest boy marched **

George: He did that a lot. Pompous git.

**toward platforms nine and ten. Harry watched, careful not to blink in case he missed it-but just as the boy reached the dividing barrier between to the two platforms, a large crowd of tourists came swarming **

George: Around him and the leader swallowed him up whole. Percy Weasley was never to be seen again.

Hermione: That's not very nice.

George: Hang on, I'm not done. Then, the leader snapped his head around at Harry and glared at him, a hungry look on his face. Only days later would Harry recognise him as none other than… Severus Snape!

Neville: You really do have a vendetta against Snape, don't you?

Harry: You're really surprised?

**in front of him and by the time the last backpack had cleared away, the boy had vanished.**

"**Fred, you next," the plump woman said.**

Ginny: She is pushing it with all this 'plump' business.

"**I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you **_**tell**_** I'm George?"**

Horace: No one ever could.

Minerva: I could.

Horace: Liar.

Minerva: I AM NOT A LIAR! Fred had a little mark on the right side of his nose.

George: How did you-?

Minerva: I notice these things.

"**Sorry, George, dear."**

"**Only joking, I am Fred," **

George: That line was line of our favourites.

Ginny: We had figured that out, since you did it nearly every year.

Horace: Tut tut. Using old material over again, are we?

George: I prefer to call it recycling. It's perfectly acceptable because that was a classic and it worked every time!

**said the boy, and off he went. His twin called after him to hurry up, and he must have done so, because a second later, he had gone-but how had he done it?**

Luna: That is the question.

Hermione: You read Shakespeare?

Luna: Shakespeare?

Hermione: Never mind.

**Now the third brother was walking briskly toward the barrier-he was almost there-and then, quite suddenly, he wasn't anywhere.**

George: (gasps) There's a shocker, right there.

**There was nothing else for it.**

"**Excuse me," Harry said to the plump woman.**

George: I wish she would stop writing that.

"**Hello, dear," she said. "First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too."**

**She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons. He was tall, thing, and gangling, with freckles, big hands and feet, and a long nose.**

Ron: WHAT? I refuse to listen to any more of this story.

(A pair of ear plugs appear in front of Ron. However, as he reaches out for them, they vanish into thin air).

Hermione: I think the Room is trying to tell you something, Ron.

(Nobody, except Harry, notices Minerva discreetly slipping her wand into her pocket).

"**Yes," said Harry. "The thing is-the thing is, I don't know how to -"**

"**How to get onto the platform?" she said kindly, and Harry nodded.**

"**Not to worry," she said. "All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, **

Harry: It does happen, though.

(Ron and Harry share a little smile).

**that's very important. Best to do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go on, go now before Ron."**

"**Er-okay," said Harry.**

**He pushed his trolley around and stared at the barrier. **

Ginny: Wake me up when it gets interesting, will you?

**It looked very solid.**

George: Ooh, how will he deal with this one?

**He started to walk toward it. People jostled him on their way to platforms nine and ten. Harry walked more quickly. He was going to smash right into that barrier and then he'd be in trouble**

Neville: Yeah, because Molly was just being evil and actually wanted you to crash into it.

**-leaning forward over his cart, he broke into a heavy run-the barrier was coming nearer and nearer-he wouldn't be able to stop**

Horace: (Sighs) Oh, ye of little faith.

**-the cart was out of control-he was a foot away-he closed his eyes ready for the crash-**

**It didn't come…he kept on running…**

George: And ended up splattered all over the side of the train as small children ran around in hysterics.

**he opened his eyes.**

Neville: And the Dursleys' living room blurred into focus. It seemed he had passed out and had the most wonderful dream.

(All look at Neville).

Minerva: George, you're already influencing the others. We are going to be here for a very long time.

Neville: What? Loads of Muggle stories end up being a dream. Anti-climactic, if you ask me.

**A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people. A sign overhead said Hogwarts Express, eleven o'clock. **

Hermione: Imagine how barren it must be for the rest of the year.

**Harry looked behind him and saw a wrought-iron archway where the barrier had been, with the words **_**Platform Nine and Three-Quarters**_** on it. He had done it.**

All: HOORAY!

**Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every colour wound here and there between their legs. **

Minerva: I go there every year in my Animagus form to make sure everyone gets on or off safely, then I Apparate back to Hogsmeade and walk up to the school. Actually, it's a wonder no-one recognises me.

**Owls hooted to one another in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks.**

Horace: When will people learn to carry them properly?

**The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats. **

Hermione: Mature.

**Harry pushed his cart off down the platform in search of an empty seat. He passed a round-faced boy who was saying, "Gran, I've lost my toad again."**

Ron (to Harry): Three guesses who that was.

"**Oh, **_**Neville**_**," he heard the old woman sigh.**

(Neville turns a light shade of red).

**A boy with dreadlocks was surrounded by a small crowd.**

"**Give us a look, Lee, go on."**

**The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms, and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long, hairy leg.**

George: I always wondered how he managed to get that tarantula in without anyone noticing.

Minerva: Oh, we noticed and I would have confiscated it if it hadn't been a good threat against Severus.

Harry: He was afraid of spiders?

Minerva: Terrified.

George (clearing his throat): Why didn't you tell me this before?

Horace: She's evil, but she's not _that _evil.

**Harry pressed on through the crowd until he found an empty compartment near the end of the train. **

Harry: It was more peaceful that way.

**He put Hedwig inside first and then started to shove and heave his trunk toward the train door. He tried to lift it up the stops but could hardly raise one end and twice he dropped it painfully on his foot.**

(Luna and Ginny wince).

"**Want a hand?" It was one of the red-haired twins he'd followed through the barrier.**

"**Yes, please," Harry panted.**

"**Oy, Fred! C'mere and help!"**

Ginny: Aw, that was nice of you, George.

**With the twins' help, Harry's trunk was at last tucked away in a corner of the compartment.**

"**Thanks," said Harry, pushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.**

Neville: That sounds pleasant.

"**What's that?" said one of the twins suddenly, pointing at Harry's lightning scar.**

"**Blimey," said the other twin. "Are you-?"**

Ron: Ooh, here it comes!

"**He **_**is**_**," said the first twin. "Aren't you?" he added to Harry.**

Horace: You might want to tell him first, before asking for verification.

"**What?" said Harry.**

"_**Harry Potter**_**," chorused the twins.**

"**Oh, him," said Harry. **

George: What the hell kind of answer was that?

Harry: I dunno.

"**I mean, yes, I am."**

Ginny: Got there in the end.

**The two boys gawked at him, and Harry felt himself turning red. Then, to his relief, a voice came floating in through the train's open door.**

"**Fred? George? Are you there"**

"**Coming, Mum."**

**With a last look at Harry, the twins hopped off the train.**

George: How dare she, I do not 'hop'!

**Harry sat down next to the window where, half hidden, he could watch the red-haired family on the platform and hear what they were saying.**

Hermione: Harry! How rude!

**Their mother had just taken out her handkerchief.** **"Ron, you've got something on your nose."**

**The youngest boy tried to jerk out of the way, but she grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his nose.**

Ron: That was so embarrassing.

"_**Mom**_**-geroff." **

Minerva: Careful, you're starting to sound like a gnome.

**He wriggled free.**

"**Aaah, has ickle Ronnie got somefink on his nosie?" said one of the twins.**

George: That was me.

Ron: Why must you mock me?

George (shrugging): It's my favourite pass-time.

"**Shut up," said Ron.**

"**Where's Percy?" **

Ginny: Cleaning his Prefect badge?

George and Ron: Again?

**said their mother.**

"**He's coming now."**

**The oldest boy came striding into sight. He had already changed into his billowing black Hogwarts robes, **

Harry: Where did he manage to do that?

**and Harry noticed a shiny silver badge on his chest with the letter **_**P**_** in it.**

George: Which had been polished several times.

Ginny: Several hundred times.

"**Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves -"**

Ron (faking excitement): Oh, I say, what a treat!

"**Oh, are you a **_**prefect**_**, Percy?" said one of the twins, **

George: That was Fred.

**with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea."**

"**Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. **

George: ME!

Hermione: I think we get the idea, George.

"**Once-"**

"**Or twice-"**

"**A minute-"**

"**All summer-"**

(All except Luna laugh).

Luna: That's not a very nice way to treat your brother.

Ginny: Easy for you to say-

George: You didn't have to live with him-

Ron: For most of your childhood.

"**Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.**

"**How come Percy gets new robes, anyway?" said one of the twins.**

"**Because he's a **_**prefect**_**," said their mother fondly. **

George: Yeah, she was the only one who was fond of him. Even Dad started to get annoyed with him when he left Hogwarts and became 'Prat of the Century'.

"**All right, dear, well, have a good term-send me an owl when you get there."**

**She kissed Percy on the cheek and he left. Then she turned to the twins.**

"**Now, you two-this year, you behave yourselves. **

Minerva: Pah! Fat chance, Molly!

George: Maybe she was getting a bit deluded by this point.

Minerva: I really should have got Albus to offer her a job, she would have kept you in line.

George: And how exactly would you do that?

Horace: She has connections.

Minerva: Well, I'm certain he wouldn't say no to a few lemon drops.

Hermione: You could bribe him with sweets?

Minerva: He was a child in a man's body, what can I say?

Ron: I'm starting to believe the thing about being barking mad.

**If I get one more owl telling me you've-you've blown up a toilet or-"**.

Minerva: Don't give them ideas!

"**Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."**

Minerva: Oh, Merlin!

"**Great idea though, thanks, Mom."**

"**It's **_**not funny**_**. **

All Weasleys: Yes it is!

**And look after Ron."**

"**Don't worry, ickle Ronniekins is safe with us."**

George: I can't believe I ever gave up on that nickname; it worked so well.

"**Shut up," said Ron again. He was almost as tall as the twins already and his nose was still pink where his mother had rubbed it.**

"**Hey, Mum, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?"**

Ginny: Merlin?

Ron: Voldemort?

George: A very hungry rabid chicken?

Neville: O…K…

**Harry leaned back quickly so they couldn't see him looking.**

"**You know that black-haired boy who was near us in the station? Know who he is?"**

"**Who?"**

"_**Harry Potter**_**!"**

**Harry heard the little girl's voice.**

"**Oh, Mum, can I go on the train and see him, Mum, oh please…."**

(Ginny is flushing furiously by the end of the sentence).

"**You've already seen him, Ginny, and the poor boy isn't something you goggle at in a zoo. Is he really, Fred? **

Harry: Might as well have been.

**How do you know?"**

"**Asked him. Saw his scar. It's really there**

George: No way?

**-like lightning."**

"**Poor **_**dear**_**-no wonder he was alone, I wondered. He was ever so polite when he asked how to get onto the platform."**

Harry: She was surprised by that?

"**Never mind that, do you think he remembers what You-Know-Who looks like?"**

Neville: You didn't actually ask him, did you?

George: I don't remember.

**Their mother suddenly became very stern.**

"**I forbid you to ask him, Fred. No, don't you dare. As though he needs reminding of that on his first day at school."**

Minerva: I told you she should have got a job here.

Ron: That would have been like hell on earth.

George: Too right.

"**All right, keep your hair on."**

George: Remember the time Fred and I got Dad a wig for Christmas?

Ron: You were in that hospital bed for the remainder of the holidays.

George: I'm the only one who can do comedy, must I always remind you of that?

**A whistle sounded.**

"**Hurry up!" their mother said, and the three boys clambered onto the train. They leaned out of the window for her to kiss them good-bye, **

Ron: She was really skilled at embarrassing us.

**and their younger sister began to cry.**

Harry: Aww, Ginny.

Ginny: SHUT. IT.

"**Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."**

"**We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat."**

(All laugh).

Horace: You didn't, did you?

George: We tried but Errol couldn't carry it.

"_**George**_**!"**

"**Only joking, Mum."**

Harry: Of course you were.

**The train began to move. Harry saw the boys' mother waving and their sister, half laughing, half crying, running to keep up with the train **

Neville: You did know that the platform would end eventually, right?

**until it gathered too much speed, then she fell back **

George: Onto the cold hard platform beneath.

Ginny: Well, it was nicer than the others you came up with.

George: I couldn't hurt you, not even in fiction.

**and waved.**

**Harry watched the girl and her mother disappear as the train rounded the corner. Houses flashed past the window. Harry felt a great leap of excitement. He didn't know what he was going to**

Minerva: Only the best school in the world!

Horace: Okay, Queen Exaggeration.

**-but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind.**

George: Hell yes!

**The door to the compartment slid open and the youngest redheaded boy came in.**

George: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ronnie!

Ron: Shut up before I shut you up!

George: Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?

(Ron tries to talk but he cannot, neither can George).

Minerva: You can have your voices back when you stop arguing. Please continue Horace.

"**Anyone sitting there?" **

Harry: Just the invisible man.

**he asked, pointing at the seat opposite Harry. "Everywhere else is full."**

**Harry shook his head and the boy sat down. **

Neville: Padding.

**He glanced at Harry and then looked quickly out of the window, pretending he hadn't looked. **

Luna: Padding.

**Harry saw he still had a black mark on his nose.**

"**Hey, Ron."**

**The twins were back.**

George: YAY!

"**Listen, we're going down the middle of the train-Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there."**

Ginny: Didn't he lose it eventually?

Ron: You're kidding? It better not have been anywhere near my bed. What if it's still here?

"**Right," mumbled Ron.**

"**Harry," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley.**

Horace: So you developed some manners eventually, then?

George: They were there, just very dormant.

**And this is Ron, our brother. See you later, then."**

"**Bye," said Harry and Ron. The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them.**

"**Are you really Harry Potter?" Ron blurted out.**

Harry: NO!

**Harry nodded.**

"**Oh-well, I though it might be one of Fred and George's jokes," **

Hermione: Wouldn't be surprising.

**said Ron. "And have you really got-you know…"**

**He pointed at Harry's forehead.**

Minerva: Pointing is rude.

**Harry pulled back his fringe to show the lightning scar. Ron stared.**

"**So that's where You-Know-Who-?"**

Hermione: When will you ever learn, Ron?

Ron: I was eleven!

"**Yes," said Harry, "but I can't remember it."**

"**Nothing?" said Ron eagerly.**

Neville: Ron!

"**Well-I remember a lot of green light, but nothing else."**

"**Wow," said Ron. **

Minerva: Small minds are satisfied by small pleasures.

Horace: (slyly) Are you small minded Minerva?

Minerva: Don't be stupid!

Horace: Does your husband know that?

Minerva: Horace kindly remove your mind from the gutter this instant.

**He sat and stared at Harry for a few moments, **

Ginny: Your manners know no bounds.

**then, as though he had suddenly realized what he was doing, he looked quickly out of the window again.**

Neville: Thank goodness.

"**Are all your family wizards?" asked Harry, who found Ron just as interesting as Ron found him.**

"**Er-yes, I think so," said Ron. "I think Mum's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him."**

Minerva: It's sad that Pureblood families block out squibs.

Harry: Who said he was a squib?

Minerva: Touché.

"**So you must know loads of magic already."**

Ron: Nope!

**The Weasleys were clearly one of those old wizarding families the pale boy in Diagon Alley had talked about.**

"**I heard you went to live with Muggles," said Ron. "What are they like?"**

Harry: Awful.

"**Horrible-well, not all of them. My aunt and uncle and cousin are, though. **

Ginny: Understatement of the century.

**Wish I'd had three wizard brothers."**

"**Five," said Ron. For some reason, he was looking gloomy. **

Minerva: No reason to be gloomy; your brothers should all make you proud.

George: Cheers Professor.

Minerva: Did I say _all_ of your brothers?

George: I'm hurt. Really, I am.

"**I'm the sixth in our family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I've got a lot to live up to. Bill and Charlie have already left-Bill was Head Boy and Charlie was captain of Quidditch. **

Horace: Top boys.

George: You would've got on with Bill, Hermione.

Hermione: George, I do _know_ Bill and, yes, I do get on with him.

**Now Percy's a prefect. **

Ron: As if we didn't already know.

**Fred and George mess around a lot, **

Minerva: A truer word was never spoken.

**but they still get really good marks and everyone thinks they're really funny.**

Hermione: After a while it gets boring.

**Everyone expects me to do as well as the others, but if I do, it's no big deal, because they did it first. **

Minerva: I had three older brothers, Ron, and it doesn't matter how well you do, you should be proud of your own achievements. Never let them overshadow you.

Horace: Easy for you to say, you were far better at practically everything than your brothers.

(Minerva blushes).

**You never get anything new, either, with five brothers. I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand, **

Neville: Strange, wands don't usually work as well for other people.

Minerva: That would explain so much.

**and Percy's old rat."**

Ron: Hate that bloody rat!

**Ron reached inside his jacket and pulled out a fat grey rat, which was asleep.**

"**His name's Scabbers and he's useless, **

George: Too true.

**he hardly ever wakes up. Percy got an owl from my dad for being made a prefect, but they couldn't aff-I mean, **

Ginny: Classy, Ron, very classy.

**I got Scabbers instead."**

**Ron's ears went pink. **

Luna: You do tend to do that quite often, Ron.

**He seemed to think he'd said too much, because he went back to staring out of the window.**

Neville: Stimulating conversation, right there.

**Harry didn't think there was anything wrong with not being able to afford an owl. After all, he'd never had any money in his life until a month ago, **

Harry: Oh, what a glorious day that was.

**and he told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes and never getting proper birthday presents. This seemed to cheer Ron up.**

Ginny: That's lovely.

"…**and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort-"**

**Ron gasped.**

George: Melodrama galore today, isn't it?

"**What?" said Harry.**

"_**You said You-Know-Who's name**_**!"**

George: No way!!

**said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. "I'd have thought you, of all people -"**

Ginny: Would what? Be scared to death of his name?

"**I'm not trying to be **_**brave**_** or anything, saying the name," said Harry, "I just never knew you shouldn't. See what I mean? I've got loads to learn… I bet," he added, voicing for the first time something that had been worrying him a lot lately, "I bet I'm the worst in the class."**

Horace: On the contrary, m'boy, you were really rather good.

Harry: You taught me for one year.

"**You won't be. There's loads of people who come from Muggle families and they learn quick enough."**

George (gesturing to Hermione): Living proof!

(Now it was Hermione's turn to blush).

**While they had been talking, the train had carried them out of London. Now they were speeding past fields full of cows and sheep. **

Ron: I didn't know we were in Cornwall.

**They were quiet for a time, watching the fields and lanes flick past.**

**Around half past twelve there was a great clattering outside in the corridor and a smiling, dimpled woman slid back their door and said, "Anything off the cart, dears?"**

George: Yes, I'll take the drunken Irishman please. Oh, wait, it's just Seamus. Never mind.

Horace: Moving on.

**Harry, who hadn't had any breakfast, leapt to his feet, but Ron's ears went pink again and he muttered that he'd brought sandwiches. **

Ron: Mum is an awesome cook but not when she's in a rush.

**Harry went out into the corridor.**

Ginny: Ooh, never saw that coming.

**He had never had any money for sweets with the Dursleys, and now that he had pockets rattling with gold and silver he was ready to buy as many Mars Bars** **as he could carry**

Hermione: I could never eat any more than one Mars Bar; they were too sickly.

**-but the woman didn't have Mars Bars.**

Horace: No surprise there, then.

Minerva: But, if it were up to Albus, the trolley would be stocked completely on lemon drops.

Harry: Thank God it wasn't.

**What she did have were Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, **

George: You know, Fred always swore that he once got a fish flavour bean.

Ginny: That is disgusting.

Luna: My favourite is liquorice flavour.

Neville: I prefer sprouts.

George: Sprouts? You like brussell sprouts?

Neville: What's wrong with that?

**Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs, **

Ron: I could do with one of those right now.

(A chocolate frog appears in front of Ron, who swiftly starts to eat it).

George: What card did you get?

Ron: Hey, I got your card, Professor.

Minerva and Horace: Which one?

Neville: Horace doesn't have a card.

Minerva: What does it say?

Ron: Minerva McGonagall: Former Auror and current Headmistress of Hogwarts. One of the only seven registered animagi of the last century, McGonagall was present at the defeat of Grindelwald in 1945 and played a large parting the Battle of Hogwarts in 1997. McGonagall enjoys playing the piano and is an avid Quidditch fan.

Minerva: I never knew I had a card. Oh well. It's not bad.

**Pumpkin Pasties, **

Horace: The Cornish wizards make the best ones.

**Cauldron Cakes, Liquorice Wands, **

Luna: They are my favourites.

**and a number of other strange things Harry had never seen in his life. Not wanting to miss anything, he got some of everything **

Minerva: How on earth can you eat so many sweets?

**and paid the woman eleven silver Sickles and seven bronze Knuts.**

Hermione: I can't believe you spent that much on sweets.

**Ron stared as Harry brought it all back in to the compartment and tipped it onto an empty seat.**

"**Hungry, are you?"**

George: No, Ron, he's going to chuck it all out of the window in an attempt to rid the world of sugar highs!

Ginny: You're running around with your sarcasm here, George.

George (looking around): Really? Where did it go?

"**Starving," said Harry, taking a large bite out of a pumpkin pasty.**

**Ron had taken out a lumpy package and unwrapped it. There were four sandwiches inside. He pulled one of them apart and said, "She always forgets I don't like corned beef."**

George: She gave you my sandwich!

"**Swap you for one of these," said Harry, holding up a pasty. "Go on-"**

Ron: You're mad.

"**You don't want this, it's all dry," said Ron. "She hasn't got much time," he added quickly, "you know, with five of us."**

Minerva: I've got five children.

Hermione: Really?

Horace: She wouldn't say it if she didn't. (Muttering) Obviously she has nothing better to do with her time.

Minerva: At least I'm in a relationship, Mr-I-haven't-slept-with-anyone-for-Merlin-knows-how-long!

Horace: I resent that.

Neville: Just, please, keep reading before I throw up.

"**Go on, have a pasty," said Harry, who had never had anything to share before or, indeed, anyone to share it with. It was a nice feeling, **

Hermione: Yeah, makes you all kind of fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

Harry: You are a romanticist.

Hermione: I know.

**sitting there with Ron, eating their way through all Harry's pasties, cakes, and candies (the sandwiches lay forgotten).**

Ron: I felt really sick after that.

Harry: Me too.

"**What are these?" Harry asked Ron, holding up a pack of Chocolate Frogs. "They're not **_**really**_** frogs, are they?" **

Ginny: Harry, you didn't ask that?

Harry: Well, for all I know it could have been.

**He was starting to feel that nothing would surprise him.**

"**No," said Ron. "But see what the card is. I'm missing Agrippa."**

Ron: I did get it eventually. Full collection now. Well, from today since I never knew that you had a card, Professor.

"**What?"**

"**Oh, of course, you wouldn't know**

Ginny: Well done, Ron.

**-Chocolate Frogs have cards inside them, you know, to collect - famous witches and wizards. I've got about five hundred, **

Neville: Did you spend all the money you ever got on chocolate frogs?

Ron: Mostly, yeah.

**but I haven't got Agrippa or Ptolemy."**

**Harry unwrapped his Chocolate Frog and picked up the card. It showed a man's face. He wore half-moon glasses, had a long, crooked nose, and flowing silver hair, beard, and moustache. **

George: One guess who that was!

**Underneath the picture was the name Albus Dumbledore.**

All: YAY!

"**So **_**this**_** is Dumbledore!" said Harry.**

"**Don't tell me you'd never heard of Dumbledore!" **

Ginny: Ron, you really should pay more attention; HE…WAS…RAISED…BY… MUGGLES!

**said Ron. "Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa-thanks-"**

**Harry turned over his card and read:**

**ALBUS DUMBLEDORE**

**--**

**CURRENTLY HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS**

**Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, **

Horace: And rightly so.

**Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. **

Luna: Partner? You mean they…

Minerva: NO…No!

**Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling**.

Neville: Tenpin bowling? I will never ever understand that man.

**Harry turned the card over and saw, to his astonishment, that Dumbledore's face had disappeared**.

George: Better get used to that.

"**He's gone!"**

"**Well, you can't expect him to hang around all day," **

Minerva: He might as well have done, since I did all of his paperwork for him.

**said Ron. "He'll be back. No, I've got Morgana again and I've got about six of her…do you want it? You can start collecting."**

Harry: I never managed to collect many, though.

**Ron's eyes strayed to the pile of Chocolate Frogs waiting to be unwrapped.**

"**Help yourself," said Harry. "But in, you know, the Muggle world, people just stay put in photos."**

Ron: I never quite got over that.

"**Do they? What, they don't move at all?" Ron sounded amazed. "**_**Weird!**_**"**

Luna: Not really.

**Harry stared as Dumbledore sidled back into the picture on his card and gave him a small smile. **

Horace: If only we all had so much time to waste.

**Ron was more interested in eating the frogs than looking at the Famous Witches and Wizards cards, but Harry couldn't keep his eyes off them. Soon he had not only Dumbledore and Morgana, but Hengist of Woodcroft, Alberic Grunnion, **

George: Poor guy, with a name like that, I mean.

**Circe, Paracelsus, and Merlin. He finally tore his eyes away from the druidess Cliodna, who was scratching her nose, **

Ginny: Mmm… nice.

**to open a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.**

"**You want to be careful with those," Ron warned Harry. "When they say every flavour, they **_**mean**_** every flavour**

Neville: Honestly?

Ron: Sarcasm really isn't good for you.

**-you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate **

Ginny: Yum.

**and peppermint and marmalade, **

Hermione: You call that a normal flavour for sweets?

**but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. **

Luna: They sound lovely.

Harry: Please tell me you're joking.

Luna: I could, but I would be lying.

**George reckons he had a bogey-flavoured one once."**

Minerva: George!

George: I can't believe you took that seriously, Ronniekins.

Ron: Don't… call…me… _THAT!_

George: I didn't, I called you Ronniekins.

**Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.**

"**Bleaaargh-see? Sprouts."**

Harry: I still don't believe that you like sprouts, Neville.

**They had a good time eating the Every Flavour Beans. Harry got toast, **

Minerva: That's my favourite.

**coconut, baked bean, **

Horace: My favourite!

Hermione: Honestly?

**strawberry, curry, grass, coffee, **

Horace: Hey, Minerva, maybe you should try eating those every morning rather than having about a gallon of coffee.

Harry: Not a morning person, are you?

Minerva: I love the mornings. I just love them more when I'm watching them from under the covers of my lovely comfortable bed.

**sardine, and was even brave enough to nibble the end off a funny grey one Ron wouldn't touch, **

George: Heart of a lion, that one.

**which turned out to be pepper.**

Hermione: That's not too bad.

**They countryside now flying past the window was becoming wilder. The neat fields had gone. Now there were woods, twisting rivers, and dark green hills.**

**There was a knock on the door of their compartment and the round-faced boy Harry had passed on platform nine and three-quarters came in. He looked tearful.**

"**Sorry," he said, "but have you seen a toad at all?"**

George: Wotcher, Neville!

**When they shook their heads, he wailed, "I've lost him! He keeps getting away from me!"**

"**He'll turn up," said Harry.**

"**Yes," said the boy miserably. **

Neville: I was miserable about the fact that he might actually turn up.

"**Well, if you see him…"**

**He left.**

Harry: Real interesting.

"**Don't know why he's so bothered," said Ron. "If I'd brought a toad I'd lose it as quick as I could. **

Neville: I TRIED!

**Mind you, I brought Scabbers, so I can't talk." **

**The rat was still snoozing on Ron's lap.**

George: It never woke up.

Ron: Bloody rat!

Luna: Why do you hate him so much?

Ron: Oh, you'll see.

"**He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference," **

Ron: Wish he had.

**said Ron in disgust. "I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work.**

Ginny: Why am I not surprised?

**I'll show you, look…"**

**He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered-looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.**

"**Unicorn hair's nearly poking out. **

Horace: That is not a good sign, m'boy.

**Anyway-"**

**He had just raised his wand when the compartment door slid open again. The toadless boy was back, but this time he had a girl with him. **

George: Oooooooooh!

Neville: It's not what you think.

George: That's what they all say.

**She was already wearing her new Hogwarts robes.**

"**Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one," she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair, and rather large front teeth.**

Hermione: Thank you, thank you very much!

Harry: I didn't write it.

"**We've already told him we haven't seen it," said Ron, but the girl wasn't listening, she was looking at the wand in his hand.**

"**Oh, are you doing magic? **

George: No, he was picking his nose with it.

**Let's see it, then."**

**She sat down. Ron looked taken aback.**

"**Er-all right."**

Ginny: You knew it wasn't a proper spell, didn't you?

**He cleared his throat.**

"_**Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow,**_

_**Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."**_

(All laugh).

Minerva: I can show you the proper spell one day, if you'd like it.

Ron: Cheers. I might be able to make George look like one of those –what's that Muggle show the kids watch?

Hermione: The Simpsons, dear.

Ron: That's the one.

**He waved his wand, but nothing happened. **

George: Big surprise there.

**Scabbers stayed grey and fast asleep.**

Ron: Bloody rat.

"**Are you sure that's a real spell?" **

Weasleys: No.

**said the girl. "Well, it's not very good, is it? **

Weasleys: No.

**I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked out for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, **

Horace: How did your family react?

Hermione: They kept trying to convince me that it was all probably a joke. Then you came to tell us that it was real. That was a shock to them.

**of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, **

Minerva: Hell yes!

**I've heard-I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, **

George: As you do.

**I just hope it will be enough**

Ron: Oh, not nearly enough!

**-I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"**

**She said all this very fast.**

Hermione: I always tended to so that when I was younger.

**Harry looked at Ron, and was relieved to see by his stunned face that he hadn't learned all the course books by heart either.**

George: As if!

"**I'm Ron Weasley," Ron muttered.**

"**Harry Potter," said Harry.**

"**Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course-I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in **_**Modern Magical History **_**and **_**The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts **_**and **_**Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century**_**."**

Harry: I never checked those books out.

Minerva: We have a few copies in the library that you can borrow.

"**Am I?" said Harry, feeling dazed.**

Neville: You were easy to confuse, as a child, weren't you?

Harry: So were you.

"**Goodness, didn't you know, I'd have found out everything I could if it was me," said Hermione. "Do either of you know what House you'll be in? I've been asking around, and I hope I'm in Gryffindor, it sounds by far the best; **

Minerva: Of course it is!

(Horace starts sulking in his seat).

**I hear Dumbledore himself was in it, **

Luna: He was.

Everyone else: WE KNOW!

**but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be too bad… **

Luna: Of course it wouldn't, I was in it.

**Anyway, we'd better go and look for Neville's toad. You two had better change, you know, I expect we'll be there soon."**

**And she left, taking the toadless boy with her.**

Neville: Why didn't she use my name?

"**Whatever House I'm in, I hope she's not in it," said Ron.**

George: What a git!

Hermione: RONALD!!

**He threw his wand back into his trunk. "Stupid spell-George gave it to me, bet he knew it was a dud."**

George: You know me too well, little bro.

"**What House are your brothers in?" asked Harry.**

"**Gryffindor," said Ron. Gloom seemed to be settling on him again. **

Minerva: WHAT? Why were you gloomy about that?

Ron: It said '_seemed to be'_ not _'really was'_!

Minerva (eyebrow raised): Uh huh.

"**Mum and Dad were in it, too. I don't know what they'll say if I'm not. **

Harry: They wouldn't mind because they are possibly the mist awesome parents alive. No offence to everyone else here who's a parent.

**I don't suppose Ravenclaw **_**would**_** be too bad, but imagine if they put me in Slytherin."**

George: They'd use you as a human sacrifice because you would be filled with devil-ness!

Horace: HEY!

"**That's the House Vol-, I mean, You-Know-Who was in?"**

"**Yeah," said Ron. He flopped back into his seat, looking depressed.**

George: Now's your chance, Ronnie, jump off the train and put yourself out of your misery.

Everyone else: GEORGE!

George (Hands up): Okay, geez, I surrender.

Hermione: What else do you have to say?

George: Well…

(Hermione glares at him and he stares down at the table).

George (muttering): I'm… sorry…Ron.

Hermione: Very good. On with the story, then.

"**You know, I think the ends of Scabbers' whiskers are a bit lighter," said Harry, trying to take Ron's mind off Houses. **

Ginny: Nice shot.

"**So what do your oldest brothers do now that they've left, anyway?"**

**Harry was wondering what a wizard did once he'd finished school.**

Luna: Oh, there's lots to do.

"**Charlie's in Romania studying dragons, and Bill's in Africa doing something for Gringotts," **

Ginny: Ooh, specific.

**said Ron. "Did you hear about Gringotts? It's been all over the **_**Daily Prophet**_**, but I don't suppose you get that with the Muggles**

Hermione: Oh, well done, Ronald!

**-someone tried to rob a high security vault."**

Horace: Not good.

**Harry stared.**

"**Really? What happened to them?"**

"**Nothing, that's why it's such big news. **

Harry: Sounds a bit like the Quidditch World Cup, doesn't it?

**They haven't been caught. My dad says it must've been a powerful Dark wizard to get round Gringotts, but they don't think they took anything, that's what's odd.**

Ron: Actually, that was probably a good choice.

'**Course, everyone gets scared when something like this happens in case You-Know-Who's behind it."**

Neville: Especially Fudge.

**Harry turned this news over in his mind. He was starting to get a prickle of fear every time You-Know-Who was mentioned. **

George: Do not be afraid, Harry, we can be (tilts his head to the side)... _friends_.

Harry: That's actually quite creepy.

**He supposed this was all part of entering the magical world, but it had been a lot more comfortable saying "Voldemort" without worrying.**

Ginny: Ooh, shocker!

"**What's your Quidditch team?" Ron asked.**

Ginny: Ron, you knew that he lived with Muggles, you great dolt!

"**Er-I don't know any," Harry confessed.**

Ginny: See?

"**What!" Ron looked dumbfounded.**

"**Oh, you wait, it's the best game in the world-" **

Minerva: I quite agree.

**And he was off, explaining all about the four balls and the positions of the seven players, describing famous games he'd been to with his brothers and the broomstick he'd like to get if he had the money. **

Harry: Cleansweep, wasn't it?

Ron: Yeah, they were awesome.

**He was just talking Harry through the finer points of the game when the**

George: Cloaked form of Severus Snape appeared in the compartment and stated in an eerie voice: "Huuuungry, I'm so huuuuuungry. Let me drink your blood. I promise I won't hurt you, just one bite"…

Ginny: GEORGE!!

**compartment door slid open yet again, but it wasn't Neville the toadless boy, or Hermione Granger this time.**

George: I prefer my version.

**Three boys entered, and Harry recognized the middle one at once: it was the pale boy from Madam Malkin's robe shop. He was looking at Harry with a lot more interest than he'd shown back in Diagon Alley.**

Harry: Git.

"**Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. **

Hermione: Rumours spread like wildfire around Hogwarts and on that train.

**So it's you, is it?"**

Ginny: No, it's the redhead.

"**Yes," said Harry. He was looking at the other boys. Both of them were thickset and looked extremely mean. **

George: Aww, was ickle Harry fwightened?

Harry: Shut it, George.

**Standing on either side of the pale boy, they looked like bodyguards.**

Minerva: He needed them, the amount of idiotic comments he went around saying. Just like his father; obnoxious and rude.

Hermione: He grew out of it, eventually.

"**Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly, noticing where Harry was looking. "And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."**

Weasleys and Harry: BOO!

**Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. **

Ron: Might have?

**Draco Malfoy looked at him.**

George: And shot rays of pure hatred from his eyes, which penetrated Ron's skin and burned him from the inside out. After just seconds, Harry was left to sit with a pile of ash and Ron's pet rat, Scabbers.

"**Think my name's funny, do you? **

Ron: YES!

**No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."**

Horace and Minerva: Evil git!

Neville: Hooray, you agree on something.

**He turned back to Harry. "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. **

Minerva: Nobody is ever a better person than anyone else.

Harry: Not even Voldemort?

Minerva: Some people just lose their way along the path, that doesn't mean that they aren't still a human being.

Horace: I'm sorry, I seem to have walked into the Room of Philosophy.

**You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. **

George: Like you, you mean?

**I can help you there."**

(Ginny snorts).

**He held out his hand to shake Harry's, but Harry didn't take it.**

Ron: Thank Merlin!

"**I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks," he said coolly.**

George: Well done, Harry.

**Draco Malfoy didn't go red, but a pink tinge appeared in his pale cheeks.**

"**I'd be careful if I were you, Potter," he said slowly. "Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way as your parents.**

(Hermione, Horace and Minerva gasp).

Hermione: Better that than go the same way _his_ parents did.

Harry: Narcissa actually wasn't that evil; she just wanted to protect her son.

**They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with riffraff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid, and it'll rub off on you."**

All (even Luna): GIT!

**Both Harry and Ron stood up.**

"**Say that again," Ron said, his face as red as his hair.**

"**Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?" **

Harry and Ron: Yes!

**Malfoy sneered.**

"**Unless you get out now," said Harry, more bravely than he felt, because Crabbe and Goyle were a lot bigger than him or Ron.**

All (except Harry and Horace): GO HARRY!!

"**But we don't feel like leaving, do we, boys? We've eaten all our food and you still seem to have some."**

Ginny: Greedy pigs.

**Goyle reached toward the Chocolate Frogs next to Ron**

George: Uh oh. Lesson one: never touch Ron's Chocolate Frogs.

**-Ron leapt forward, but before he'd so much as touched Goyle, Goyle let out a horrible yell.**

**Scabbers the rat** **was hanging off his finger, **

George: Maybe the rat was good for something.

**sharp little teeth sunk deep into Goyle's knuckle-Crabbe and Malfoy both backed away as Goyle swung Scabbers round and round, howling, and when Scabbers finally flew off and hit the window, **

(Weasleys all laugh).

**all three of them disappeared at once. **

Hermione and Minerva: Cowards.

**Perhaps they thought there were more rats lurking among the sweets, **

Harry: It wouldn't surprise me.

**or perhaps they'd heard footsteps, because a second later, Hermione Granger had come in.**

Ron: Good old 'Mione!

"**What **_**has**_** been going on?" she said, looking at the sweets all over the floor and Ron picking up Scabbers by his tail.**

"**I think he's been knocked out," Ron said to Harry. He looked closer at Scabbers. "No-I don't believe it-he's gone back to sleep."**

Ginny and George: TYPICAL.

**And so he had.**

"**You've met Malfoy before?"**

Ron: Thank heavens I hadn't.

"**I've heard of his family," said Ron darkly. "They were some of the first to come back to our side after You-Know-Who disappeared. Said they'd been bewitched.**

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville: LIARS.

**My dad doesn't believe it. **

Horace: Good old Arthur.

**He says Malfoy's father didn't need an excuse to go over to the Dark Side." **

Harry (Darth Vader impression): Krzzt… krzzt… Ron, I am your father… krzzt.

(Hermione, Harry, Horace and Minerva laugh).

George: I am ashamed to say this, but, I don't get it.

Harry and Hermione: Star Wars.

**He turned to Hermione. "Can we help you with something?"**

George: Don't be rude, Ronnie.

Ginny: I've given up on telling him to shut it.

"**You'd better hurry up and put your robes on, I've just been up to the front to ask the conductor, and he says we're nearly there. You haven't been fighting, have you?**

Luna: Almost.

**You'll be in trouble before we even get there!"**

Minerva: I could quite honestly see that happening.

"**Scabbers has been fighting, not us," said Ron, scowling at her. "Would you mind leaving while we change?"**

George: Think she'd rather have stayed there.

"**All right-I only came in here because people outside are behaving very childishly, racing up and down the corridors," said Hermione in a sniffy voice. **

Ron: Natural born prefect.

"**And you've got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?"**

Ron: Yes, I did.

**Ron glared at her as she left. **

Neville: Your glares aren't anywhere near as intimidating as Minerva's.

Minerva: What can I say? I've had years of practice.

**Harry peered out of the window. It was getting dark. He could see mountains and forests under a deep purple sky. The train did seem to be slowing down.**

George: Thank goodness, I'm getting bored of listening to train journeys.

**He and Ron took off their jackets and pulled on their long black robes. Ron's were a bit short for him, you could see his trainers underneath them.**

Neville: At least they were nice trainers.

Ron: That's true.

**A voice echoed through the train: "We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately."**

Harry: Whose voice was that?

Ron: No idea, mate.

**Harry's stomach lurched with nerves **

Neville: Not a word, Luna.

**and Ron, he saw, looked pale under his freckles. They crammed their pockets with the last of the sweets **

Hermione: Didn't the chocolate melt?

Harry: I swear we must have lost a lot of it because I don't remember having any after the feast.

**and joined the crowd thronging the corridor.**

**The train slowed right down and finally stopped. People pushed their way toward the door and out on to a tiny, dark platform. **

Ginny: I never saw so many kids who were eager to get into school.

**Harry shivered in the cold night air. Then a lamp came bobbing over the heads of the students, and Harry heard a familiar voice: "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"**

Harry: That was actually quite embarrassing.

**Hagrid's big hairy face **

Ginny: Hmm, polite.

**beamed over the sea of heads.**

"**C'mon, follow me-any more firs' years? Mind yer step, now! Firs' years follow me!"**

**Slipping and stumbling, they followed Hagrid down what seemed to be a steep, narrow path. It was so dark on either side of them that Harry thought there must be thick trees there. **

Hermione: There were.

**Nobody spoke much. Neville, the boy who kept losing his toad, sniffed once or twice.**

Neville: I had a cold!

Harry: We know you did, Neville.

Neville: No need for sarcasm.

"**Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called over his shoulder, "jus' round this bend here."**

**There was a loud "Oooooh!"**

Minerva: It's like a bloody pantomime.

Horace: You can't tell me that you weren't like that when you first saw Hogwarts?

Minerva: No, I wasn't. I only lived a few miles away, I had seen it plenty times before I went there.

Horace: Yeah, right.

Minerva: It's true.

Horace: Swear to it?

Minerva: Are you calling me a liar, you bloody great walrus?

Horace: So what if I am?

Hermione: I hope you don't argue with your husband like that, Professor.

Minerva: Oh no, Michael and I hardly ever argue. Horace is just cranky because he's not getting any.

Horace: And you are?

Minerva: You really think I can survive all year without it?

Horace: HOW?

Minerva: I have my ways.

Horace: You know what, Minerva, _bitch_ is such an ugly word…

Minerva: So is celibacy.

Ginny: Please keep reading, I'm not sure I can stand any more of you two talking about that; it's just too weird!

**The narrow path had opened suddenly onto the edge of a great black lake. Perched atop a high mountain on the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many turrets and towers.**

All: YAY!!

"**No more'n four to a boat!" Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. **

George: Which is why he always had to have a boat to himself.

**Harry and Ron were followed into their boat by Neville and Hermione.**

"**Everyone in?" shouted Hagrid, who had a boat to himself. **

George: See?

"**Right then-FORWARD!"**

**And the fleet of little boats moved off all at once, gliding across the lake, which was as smooth as glass. Everyone was silent, staring up at the great castle overhead. **

Hermione: I really do love Hogwarts.

Minerva: Well, should there ever be an opening, I'll be sure to offer you a job.

**It towered over them as they sailed nearer and nearer to the cliff on which it stood.**

"**Heads down!" yelled Hagrid **

George: Hagrid had to almost lie down in the boat.

**as the first boats reached the cliff; they all bent their heads and the little boats carried them through a curtain of ivy that hid a wide opening in the cliff face. **

Ron: Yet they couldn't let us just go to the front door like everybody else?

**They were carried along a dark tunnel, which seemed to be taking them right underneath the castle, until they reached a kind of underground harbour, where they clambered out onto rocks and pebbles.**

Hermione: I think I slipped about a dozen times.

Harry: That's Scotland for you, always sopping wet.

Minerva: Oy! That's enough of _that_, thank you very much.

Horace: She hates people slagging off the Scots.

"**Oy, you there! Is this your toad?" said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them.**

"**Trevor!" cried Neville blissfully, holding out his hands. **

Neville: I wonder if my Gran ever knew that I tried to lose him on purpose.

Luna: That's not very polite, Neville. How could poor little Trevor ever fend for himself?

**Then they clambered up a passageway in the rocks after Hagrid's lamp, coming out at last onto smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle.**

**They walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge, oak front door.**

"**Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?"**

Neville: Wish I didn't.

**Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door.**

Horace: And so ends the chapter.

Luna: Me next!

_A/N 2: I am sorry to any chavs who may have been offended by Hermione's comment. I promise to keep her on her lead next time. And also sorry for the Cornwall jokes but I am a Cornish girl so, what the hell!_

_I love reviews (hint, hint!) so thank you to everyone who has left me a review; it is much appreciated! J_


	7. The Sorting Hat

_A/N: No need to worry, my dear readers, Horace and Minerva are back in their cages and Hermione is back on her lead. Okay, Luna's up next. __J_

Luna: Chapter Seven, here we go.

**Chapter Seven: **_**The Sorting Hat**_

**The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. **

All: Hooray!

Minerva: Aww, thanks.

**She had a very stern face **

Minerva: I swear I'm not like that away from students.

Horace: Of course, Minerva, of course.

**and Harry's first thought was that this was not someone to cross.**

George: It'll be the last thing you ever do.

"**The fir' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.**

Ginny: Who else would they be?

"**Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."**

**She pulled the door wide. The entrance hall was so big you could have fit the whole of the Dursleys' house in it. **

Luna: Why would you want to do that?

Hermione: Ms Rowling is just attempting to demonstrate how big Hogwarts is.

**The stone walls were lit with flaming torches like the ones at Gringotts, the ceiling was too high to make out, and a magnificent marble staircase** **facing them led to the upper floors.**

Horace: Ah, the marvels of architecture.

**They followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor. Harry could hear the drone of hundreds of voices **

George: Calling to him, a long, low groan that echoed from the walls. It was on that day that Harry Potter decided that he was insane.

Ginny: George, shut it. NOW.

**from a doorway to the right-the rest of the school must already be here**

George: Where else would we be?

**-but Professor McGonagall showed the first years into a small, empty chamber off the hall. They crowded in, standing rather closer together than they would usually have done, peering about nervously.**

Harry: Unsurprisingly, there wasn't much to see.

"**Welcome to Hogwarts," **

George: I never knew it was so small.

Minerva: Merlin, kill me now.

Horace: My pleasure.

Minerva: Shut it.

**said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, **

Ron: Best part of the year, if you ask me.

Ginny: But we didn't.

**but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your Houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your House will be something like your family within Hogwarts. **

Harry: So true.

**You will have classes with the rest of your House, sleep in your House dormitory, and spend free time in your House common room.**

Ron: Or, if you are Hermione, in the library.

"**The four Houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each House has its own noble history **

(Minerva clears her throat).

Horace: Yes Minerva?

Minerva: Oh, nothing…

Harry: What she means to say is that some houses have a nobler history than others.

Horace: Yes, Hufflepuff has had a few baddun's, hasn't it?

(All look at him).

Minerva: Well, Cornelius Fudge was a Hufflepuff. But we were indeed referring to Slytherin.

Horace: Oh…

George: No comeback?

Minerva: His mind is still going over what we just told him. Give him an hour and he'll come up with one.

Horace: Well I would if I could get a word in edgeways.

Minerva: Oh, he lives!

Horace: Ha ha!

**and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.**

Neville: That depends on your definition of 'outstanding'.

**While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your House points, while any rule-breaking will lose House points. **

(Harry, Ron and George smirk at each other).

**At the end of the year, the House with the most points is awarded the House Cup, **

Minerva: Which Gryffindor have now won for six years running.

Horace: Rub it in, why don't you.

Minerva: Gladly.

**a great honour. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours.** **The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."**

Harry: Not going to happen.

**Her eyes lingered for a moment on Neville's cloak, which was fastened under his left ear, **

Neville: Thanks Minerva.

Minerva: I'm sorry Neville. It was just a hint.

**and on Ron's smudged nose. **

Ron: That was sly, you know that?

Hermione: Well, your mother and I also warned you about it.

**Harry nervously tried to flatten his hair.**

Ginny: Pfft. Like that would ever work.

"**I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall. "Please wait quietly."**

Hermione: You knew that wouldn't happen, right?

Minerva: Of course I did. I have a script and I stick to it.

Ron: You have a script?

Minerva: How else do you expect me to remember that same speech, word for word, year after year?

**She left the chamber. Harry swallowed.**

George: Really riveting stuff, here.

"**How exactly do they sort us into Houses?" he asked Ron.**

"**Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, **

Ginny: And you believed him?

**but I think he was joking."**

Hermione: He was always joking.

**Harry's heart gave a horrible jolt. **

Luna: Ouch.

Neville: Luna, for the thousandth time, it did not really hurt him!!

**A test? **

George: You two were very gullible eleven year-olds.

**In front of the whole school? **

George: No, in front of a pack of wild boars.

Luna: Low self-esteem, George?

**But he didn't know any magic yet - what on earth would he have to do? **

Horace: A lot less than you think.

**He hadn't expected something like this the moment they arrived. **

Harry: I was too overwhelmed.

**He looked around anxiously and saw that everyone else looked terrified, too. No one was talking much except Hermione Granger, **

Ron: No change there, then.

**who was whispering very fast about all the spells she'd learned and wondering which one she'd need.**

Neville: None of them.

Hermione: Ok, I think we've established that there wasn't really a test.

**Harry tried hard not to listen to her. **

Hermione: Thanks, Harry.

**He'd never been more nervous, never, not even when he'd had to take a school report home to the Dursleys saying that he'd somehow turned his teacher's wig blue.**

George: Oh, now that is a classic.

Minerva: I did that to Albus' hair once. I actually think he quite liked it.

Ron: He would.

**He kept his eyes fixed on the door. Any second now, Professor McGonagall would come back and lead him to his doom.**

George: And I thought I was the melodramatic one.

Harry: I have my moments.

**Then something happened that made him jump about a foot in the air-several people behind him screamed.**

George: Snape turned up?

Horace: A hungry hippogriff stormed the place?

Minerva: Not you too, Horace?

"**What the-?"**

**He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. **

George: Is that all?

**Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to one another and hardly glancing at the first years. They seemed to be arguing. **

Horace: They always are.

**What looked like a fat little monk **

Luna: How polite!

**was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance-"**

"**My dear Friar, haven't we given Peeves all the chances he deserves? **

George: NO! He brightens up the school.

Minerva: With your fireworks at four in the morning.

George: I do my best to contribute to the happiness of Hogwarts students.

Horace: And its Professors?

George: I like to give them a good old run-about.

Minerva: You are really pushing it.

**He gives us all a bad name and you know, he's not really even a ghost**

Ginny: Then how can he give ghosts a bad name?

**-I say, what are you all doing here?"**

George: Three guesses.

**A ghost wearing a ruff and tights**

Ron: Great dress sense.

**had suddenly noticed the first years.**

**Nobody answered.**

Ginny: They were scared out of their little skins, bless them.

"**New students!" said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them. "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"**

Neville: Of course. We weren't there to apply for teaching posts, were we?

"**Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" **

Horace: But no-one wishes to be there, do they?

**said the Friar. "My old House, you know."**

"**Move along now," said a sharp voice. **

George: Guess who.

"**The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."**

**Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.**

Horace: Why do they find you intimidating?

Minerva: I have skills.

"**Now, form a line," Professor McGonagall told the first years, "and follow me."**

**Feeling oddly as though his legs had turned to lead, **

Luna: Were you tired, Harry?

Harry: No, just incredibly nervous.

**Harry got into line behind a boy with sandy hair, **

Ron: Seamus!

**with Ron behind him, and they walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.**

**Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place.**

Luna: Strange and splendid, that's an unusual combination.

Hermione (whispering to Harry): That's rich coming from her.

**It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles **

Hermione: I believe that the exact number is three-thousand-seven-hundred-and-ninety-one.

Harry: Where did you get that from?

George: She counted?

Hermione: No.

Ron and Hermione: Hogwarts: A History.

George: I should have known.

**that were floating in midair over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting. These tables were laid with glittering golden plates and goblets. **

George: Are they real gold?

Horace: I never checked.

Minerva: Don't go getting any ideas, George.

George: How very dare you?

**At the top of the hall was another long table where the teachers were sitting. Professor McGonagall led the first years up here, so that they came to a halt in a line facing the other students, **

Neville: So embarrassing.

**with the teachers behind them. The hundreds of faces staring at them looked like pale lanterns in the flickering candlelight. **

Hermione: Hmm… I would like to meet Ms. Rowling and find out where she gets these similes from.

**Dotted here and there among the students, the ghosts shone misty and silver. **

Ginny: No good for them to hide within the students, really, is it?

**Mainly to avoid all the staring eyes, Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars. **

Hermione: I think that might be my favourite thing in the school.

Ron: What, not the library?

Minerva: Personally, I prefer the atmosphere at the end of the year, when everybody is united as a school.

Horace: I am perfectly contented with the dungeons, thank you very much.

Neville: I'm sticking to the greenhouses.

Luna: I would get that checked out Neville; the spotted Burnlaps might have put glue on your hands overnight.

**He heard Hermione whisper, "It's bewitched to look like the sky outside. I read about it in **_**Hogwarts: A History**_**."**

George: Of course.

Ron: The answer can always be found there.

**It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens.**

Minerva: It would be rather chilly if it did.

**Harry quickly looked down again as Professor McGonagall silently placed a four-legged stool in front of the first years. **

Neville (muttering) Damned stool.

**On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard's hat. This hat was patched and frayed and extremely dirty. **

George: Obviously never heard of dry-cleaners.

Neville: It's hundreds of years old; dry-clean it, or even use a cleaning charm, and it may fall to pieces.

Ron: I won't ask how you know that.

**Aunt Petunia wouldn't have let it in the house.**

Harry: I always got the feeling that if I wasn't related to her, she wouldn't let _me_ in the house either.

_**Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it**_

(All laugh).

Luna: A rabbit?

Harry: It's a trick that Muggle magicians normally do.

Luna: Oh.

George: Maybe all the first-years should have to do that.

Horace: It would certainly liven up the Start-of-Term-Feast.

Minerva: Please tell me you are not serious.

**Harry thought wildly, that seemed to be the sort of thing-noticing that everyone in the hall was now staring at the hat, he stared at it, too.**

Ginny: That's right, follow the crowd.

**For a few seconds, there was complete silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth-and the hat began to sing**

Horace: Oh Merlin no!

"_**Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,**_

George: You can say that again.

_**But don't judge on what you see,**_

_**I'll eat myself **_

Ron: I'd like to see that.

_**if you can find**_

_**A smarter hat than me.**_

George: Ooh, I'll take that as a challenge.

_**You can keep your bowlers black,**_

Minerva: Don't tell Fudge that.

_**Your top hats sleek and tall,**_

_**For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat**_

_**And I can cap them all.**_

Hermione: Pun intended.

Horace: Likes showing off, doesn't it?

_**There's nothing hidden in your head**_

_**The Sorting Hat can't see,**_

Harry: I always found that quite disturbing.

_**So try me on and I will tell you**_

_**Where you ought to be.**_

George: The Hat doesn't get out much, does it?

Neville: It's a hat!

George: Oh… yeah.

_**You might belong in Gryffindor,**_

(All apart from Luna and Horace cheer).

_**Where dwell the brave at heart,**_

_**Their daring, nerve, and chivalry**_

_**Set Gryffindors apart;**_

George: As well as their tendency to be completely awesome.

Minerva: Here, here.

_**You might belong in Hufflepuff,**_

Ron: But you should pray that you're not.

_**Where they are just and loyal,**_

_**Those patient Hufflepuffs are true**_

_**And unafraid of toil;**_

Horace: That's why they like to interfere so much.

_**Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,**_

_**If you've a ready mind,**_

_**Where those of wit and learning,**_

_**Will always find their kind;**_

Minerva: Not always.

Harry: Take Hermione, for example.

_**Or perhaps in Slytherin**_

_**You'll make your real friends,**_

George, Ron and Minerva: AS IF!

Horace: I find that offensive.

Minerva: Good.

_**Those cunning folk use any means**_

_**To achieve their ends.**_

_**So put me on! Don't be afraid!**_

_**And don't get in a flap!**_

_**You're in safe hands (though I have none)**_

Ron: Honestly?

_**For I'm a Thinking Cap!"**_

Neville: Thank Merlin it's over.

"**So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."**

(All laugh).

Ginny: Trust Fred!

**Harry smiled weakly. Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell, but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching. **

Luna: Why was that?

Minerva: We're fans of humiliating little children.

George: Really?

(Everyone looks at him in disbelief).

**The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot; Harry didn't feel brave or quick-witted or any of it at the moment. **

George: Believe in yourself, young Potter, for belief shall shape your destiny!

**If only the hat had mentioned a House for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.**

Minerva: But then, almost everybody would be in there.

**Professor McGonagall now stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment.**

"**When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said. "Abbott, Hannah!"**

Ron: I don't remember her that much.

Hermione: I must get in contact with her one day.

**A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line, put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes, and sat down. A moment's pause-**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat.**

**The table on the right cheered and clapped as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. Harry saw the ghost of the Fat Friar waving merrily at her.**

George: That's enough to freak anybody out.

"**Bones, Susan!"**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!" **

Horace: Again?

**shouted the hat again, and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah.**

"**Boot, Terry!"**

"**RAVENCLAW!"**

**The table second from the left clapped this time; several Ravenclaws stood up to shake hands with Terry as he joined them.**

"**Brocklehurst, Mandy" went to Ravenclaw too, but "Brown, Lavender" became the first new Gryffindor,**

Ron: _The_ most clingy girl in the history of the world.

**and the table on the far left exploded with cheers; Harry could see Ron's twin brothers catcalling.**

"**Bulstrode, Millicent" **

Weasleys and Hermione: URGH!

**then became a Slytherin. Perhaps it was Harry's imagination, after all he'd heard about Slytherin, but he thought they looked like an unpleasant lot.**

George: You're not wrong there.

Horace: I resent that.

**He was starting to feel definitely sick now. He remembered being picked for teams during gym at his old school. **

Hermione: Oh, I always hated that.

**He had always been last to be chosen, not because he was no good, but because no one wanted Dudley to think they liked him.**

Harry: Cowards.

"**Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!"**

**Sometimes, Harry noticed, the hat shouted out the house at once, but at others it took a little while to decide. **

Neville: Better safe than sorry.

"**Finnigan, Seamus," the sandy-haired boy next to Harry in line, sat on the stool for almost a whole minute before the hat declared him a Gryffindor.**

Gryffindors: YAY!

(BE prepared for lots more cheering).

"**Granger, Hermione!"**

All: YAY!

(Hermione blushes).

**Hermione almost ran to the stool and jammed the hat eagerly on her head.**

George: A little over the top, perhaps?

Hermione: I was excited.

"**GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat.**

All Gryffindors: YAY!

**Ron groaned.**

Hermione: RONALD!

**A horrible thought struck Harry, as horrible thoughts always do when you're very nervous.**

Neville: Very true.

**What if he wasn't chosen at all? **

Ron: Don't be stupid.

**What if he just sat there with the hat over his eyes for ages, until Professor McGonagall jerked it off his head and said there had obviously been a mistake **

Horace: The wise and great Minerva McGonagall does not make mistakes!

Minerva (smiling sweetly): Shut the hell up, Horace. Before I shut you up, that is.

**and he'd better get back on the train?**

**When Neville Longbottom, the boy who kept losing his toad, was called, he fell over on his way to the stool. **

Luna: I'm sorry Neville.

Neville: It wasn't nearly as embarrassing as the next bit.

**The hat took a long time to decide with Neville. When it finally shouted, "GRYFFINDOR." **

All Gryffindors: YAY!

**Neville ran off still wearing it, and had to jog back amid gales of laughter to give it to "MacDougal, Morag."**

Neville: Hey, humiliation in my first ten minutes! New record!

**Malfoy swaggered forward when his name was called and got his wish at once: the hat had barely touched his head when it screamed, "SLYTHERIN!"**

Weasleys: GIT!

**Malfoy went off to join his friends Crabbe and Goyle, **

George: Also known as: THE BABOONS!

**looking pleased with himself.**

**There weren't many people left now.**

"**Moon"…, "Nott"…, **

George: BOO!

"**Parkinson"…, **

Hermione: Stupid cow.

**then a pair of twin girls, "Patil" and "Patil"…,then "Perks, Sally-Anne"…, and then, at last-**

"**Potter, Harry!"**

All: HOORAY!

**As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing fires all over the hall.**

"_**Potter**_**, did she say?"**

Minerva: Yes I did.

"_**The**_** Harry Potter?"**

Harry: The one and only.

**The last thing Harry saw before the hat dropped over his eyes was the hall full of people craning to get a good look at him. **

Horace: Typical.

Minerva: What about you and your little Club?

**Next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat. He waited.**

"**Hmm," said a small voice in his ear. "Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. **

Ron: No kidding.

**Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh my goodness, yes-and a nice thirst to prove yourself, **

Harry: True.

**now that's interesting…. So where shall I put you?"**

**Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, **_**Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.**_

Horace: Excuse me?

Minerva: The boy knows what he wants, Horace.

"**Not Slytherin, eh?" said the small voice. "Are you sure?**

Harry: Yes!

**You could be great, you know, **

Ron: And he is!

**it's all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that**,

Neville: Yes, but a completely different kind of greatness.

**no? Well, if you're sure** **-better be GRYFFINDOR!"**

(All, except Horace, cheer).

Minerva: The hat told me I could've been in any house but apparently my 'Gryffindor-ness' was most prominent.

Horace: It was Slytherin or Hufflepuff for me.

Harry: Slytherin or Hufflepuff? They don't normally go together.

Minerva: Well, he's an odd one.

Horace: Says the world's most complicated woman.

Minerva: At least I'm not simple.

Horace: Just what are you insinuating?

Minerva: See what I mean?

Luna: I think I'll just carry on before we have a full-scale riot on our hands.

Hermione: Please do.

**Harry heard the hat shout the last word to the whole hall. He took off the hat and walked shakily toward the Gryffindor table. **

Luna: Shakily? But you got into the house that you wanted to.

Neville: He was nervous, just like the rest of us.

**He was so relieved to have been chosen and not put in Slytherin, he hardly noticed that he was getting the loudest cheer yet. Percy the Prefect got up and shook his hand vigorously, **

Ginny: Idiot.

**while the Weasley twins yelled, "We got Potter! We got Potter!" **

Harry: Cheers for that.

George: Any chance to gloat.

**Harry sat down opposite the ghost in the ruff he'd seen earlier. The ghost patted his arm, giving Harry the sudden, horrible feeling he'd just plunged it into a bucket of ice-cold water.**

Harry: That was awful.

**He could see the High Table properly now. At the end nearest him sat Hagrid, who caught his eye and gave him the thumbs up. **

Harry: Trust Hagrid.

**Harry grinned back. And there, in the centre of the High Table, in a large gold chair, sat Albus Dumbledore. **

All: HOORAY!

**Harry recognized him at once from the card he'd gotten out of the Chocolate Frog on the train. Dumbledore's silver hair was the only thing in the whole hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts. **

Hermione: That's an interesting observation.

George: I wonder if he used special shampoo.

Ron: HE should've leant some to Snape.

**Harry spotted Professor Quirrell, too,**

Ron: Oh no.

**the nervous young man **

Ginny: You can say that again.

**from the Leaky Cauldron. He was looking very peculiar **

Minerva: As he always did.

Horace: Like you can talk.

Minerva: At least I never tried to disguise myself as an armchair.

Horace: How do you know about that?

(Minerva taps her nose with her index finger).

Horace: You are truly infuriating sometimes.

Minerva: I know.

**in a large purple turban.**

**And now there were only four people left to be sorted. "Thomas, Dean," **

All Gryffindors: YAY!

**a black boy even taller than Ron, joined Harry at the Gryffindor table. "Turpin, Lisa," became a Ravenclaw and then it was Ron's turn. He was pale green by now.**

George: Urgh!

**Harry crossed his fingers under the table **

Ron: What'd you do that for?

Harry: It's for luck. I wanted you to be in Gryffindor.

Ron: Aww, cheers mate.

**and a second later the hat had shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"**

All Gryffindors: YAY!

**Harry clapped loudly with the rest as Ron collapsed into the chair next to him.**

"**Well done, Ron, excellent," said Percy Weasley pompously **

Ginny: Yep, sounds like Percy.

**across Harry as "Zabini, Blaise," was made a Slytherin.**

Horace: YAY!

(Everyone looks at him).

Horace: I am grossly outnumbered, here. Slytherin is disappointingly under-represented!

**Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.**

Ginny: Thank Merlin. I hated that hat.

**Harry looked down at his empty gold plate. He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.**

**Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.**

Minerva: He loved his school.

"**Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! **

All: YAY!

**Before we begin our banquet, I'd like to say a few words. **

Horace: Uh oh.

**And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!**

(George, Horace, Minerva and Ron shake their heads slowly).

George: I still can't believe he ever said that.

Minerva: Even after years of knowing him, you would think I would get used to him being a bit mad.

"**Thank you!"**

**He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. **

Ron: Although none of us really knew why we did it.

**Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.**

"**Is he-a bit mad?" **

Hermione: Mad?

George: A bit?

**he asked Percy uncertainly.**

"**Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! **

All: YAY!

**Best wizard in the world! **

All: YAY!

**But he is a bit mad, yes. **

All: YAY!

(My, my, they are saying that quite a lot, aren't they?)

**Potatoes, Harry?"**

Ginny: Way to change the subject, Percy.

**Harry's mouth fell open. **

Hermione: HARRY!

Harry: I had never seen so much food all in one place before.

**The dishes in front of him were now piled with food. He had never seen so many things he liked to eat on one table: **

Harry: See?

**roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops and lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, chips, Yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup, and, for some strange reason, peppermint humbugs.**

All: Albus!

**The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, **

Minerva: I should think not.

**but he'd never been allowed to eat as much as he liked. **

Ron: Well, get used to it, mate.

**Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted, even if it made him sick.**

All (except Luna): Greedy git!

(The group seemed to have become accustomed to calling everyone a git by now).

**Harry piled his plate with a bit of everything except the peppermints **

Luna: Why not the peppermints?

Harry: I never really liked them that much.

Ron: Why put peppermints out with a main course?

Minerva: That's Albus for you.

**and began to eat. It was all delicious.**

"**That does look good," said the ghost in the ruff sadly, watching Harry cut up his steak.**

"**Can't you-?"**

Hermione: Why did you feel the need to ask that, Harry?

Harry: I don't know!

"**I haven't eaten for nearly four hundred years," said the ghost. "I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. **

George: Well done, mate, you managed to get Nick depressed.

**I don't think I've introduced myself? Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington **

Ginny: His name sounds even more pompous than Percy was.

**at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."**

"**I know who you are!" **

George: Hey, he knows something! We should have a party!

**said Ron suddenly. "My brothers told me about you-you're Nearly Headless Nick!"**

"**I would **_**prefer**_** you to call me Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-" **

Neville: It takes too much breath.

Luna: If it were me, I'd like to be called by my full name.

Neville: Yeah, but yours isn't that long.

**the ghost began stiffly, but sandy-haired Seamus Finnigan interrupted.**

"_**Nearly**_** Headless? How can you be **_**nearly**_** headless?"**

**Sir Nicholas looked extremely miffed, **

Ginny: I haven't heard anyone say that word in years.

**as if their little chat wasn't going at all the way he wanted.**

"**Like **_**this**_**," he said irritably. He seized his left ear and pulled. His whole head swung off his neck and fell onto his shoulder as if it was on a hinge. **

Minerva: He does that every bloody year.

Hermione: It's disgusting.

**Someone had obviously tried to behead him, but not done it properly. **

Horace: Muggles!

**Looking pleased at the stunned looks on their faces, **

Horace: Gryffindor show-off.

Harry: It's in our blood!

**Nearly Headless Nick flipped his head back onto his neck, coughed, and said, "So-new Gryffindors! **

George: No, you're at the wrong table; this is Hufflepuff.

**I hope you're going to help us win the House championship this year? **

Harry: Of course!

**Gryffindors have never gone so long without winning. Slytherins have got the Cup six years in a row!**

Ron: They should've enjoyed the glory while they could.

Minerva: Slytherins always want more. The living proof is sat right next to me.

George: Hermione's not a Slytherin.

Ginny: George, you idiot. She means Horace!

**The Bloody Baron's becoming almost unbearable-he's the Slytherin ghost."**

**Harry looked over at the Slytherin table and saw a horrible ghost sitting there, with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood. **

George: I didn't know Snape had a blood-stained twin!

**He was right next to Malfoy who, Harry was pleased to see, didn't look too pleased with the seating arrangements.**

Harry and Ron: HA!

"**How did he get covered in blood?" asked Seamus with great interest.**

"**I've never asked," **

George: I always had a theory that he was a murderer, probably killed his wife or something, then the guilt got too much for him and he committed suicide, hence the blood.

Hermione: For once, that's a plausible idea.

Ginny: It does happen occasionally.

**said Nearly Headless Nick delicately.**

**When everyone had eaten as much as they could, **

Ginny: Which, in Ron's case, was a lot.

**the remains of the food faded from the plates, leaving them sparkling clean as before. A moment later the desserts appeared. Blocks of ice cream in every flavour you could think of, **

George: Oh, they had mustard flavour ice cream, did they?

Harry: Maybe not every flavour you could think of…

**apple pies, treacle tarts, chocolate éclairs **

Minerva and Hermione: My favourite.

Horace (to Hermione): I think I'll start calling you Mini Minnie from now on.

Minerva: Try it and I will make you die a slow and painful death.

**and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, Jelly, rice pudding…**

Minerva: Horace once ate about fifty bowls of rice pudding and ended up ling on the floor for about an hour and a half.

Horace: Stop exaggerating.

Minerva: I wasn't.

**As Harry helped himself to treacle tart, the talk turned to their families.**

"**I'm half-and-half," said Seamus. "Me dad's a Muggle. Mum didn't tell him she was a witch 'til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him."**

Neville: I'll say!

Luna: Well, she had to be sure that his father wouldn't go round telling everyone that she was a witch.

**The others laughed.**

"**What about you, Neville?" said Ron.**

"**Well, my Gran brought me up and she's a witch," **

Minerva: That reminds me, I must visit Augusta soon; I haven't seen her in years.

**said Neville, "but the family thought I was all-Muggle for ages. **

Luna: Poor Neville.

**My Great Uncle Algie kept trying to catch me off my guard and force some magic out of me-he pushed me off the end of Blackpool pier once, I nearly drowned**

Minerva: He WHAT? I am going to have to have a little chat with him. Perhaps he would like to be dropped off the end of a pier.

Neville: Please do.

**-but nothing happened until I was eight. **

Horace: My first accidental magic when I was about five.

Minerva: I was only about eight months old on my first time.

Hermione: Really?

Horace: Typical!

Hermione: What is?

Horace: She is always one-upping me!

Minerva: I can't help it that I'm better than you.

**Great Uncle Algie came round for dinner, and he was hanging me out of an upstairs window by the ankles when my Great Auntie Enid offered him a meringue and he accidentally let go. **

Harry: Remind me never to get introduced to Uncle Algie.

**But I bounced-all the way down the garden and into the road. **

Neville: It was awful.

**They were all really pleased, Gran was crying, she was so happy. **

Minerva: Trust Augusta.

**And you should have seen their faces when I got in here-they thought I might not be magic enough to come, you see. **

Horace: There's no such thing as not magic enough.

**Great Uncle Algie was so pleased he bought me my toad."**

George: Not that pleased, then.

Hermione: GEORGE!

**On Harry's other side, Percy Weasley and Hermione were talking about lessons **

Neville: Even Trelawney could predict that.

(All, even Hermione, laugh).

**("I **_**do**_** hope they start right away, there's so much to learn, I'm particularly interested in Transfiguration, **

Minerva: Glad to hear it.

**you know, turning something into something else, of course, it's supposed to be very difficult-"; **

Ron: No kidding.

"**You'll be starting small, just matches into needles and that sort of thing-").**

Horace: I never was very skilled in Transfigurations.

Minerva: Why am I not surprised?

**Harry, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the High Table again. Hagrid was drinking deeply from his goblet. **

Ginny: Which was probably full of Rosmerta's mead.

**Professor McGonagall was talking to Professor Dumbledore. **

Horace: No surprise there, then.

**Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin.**

George: Ha! Now I can poke some fun at the greasy git.

Harry: Haven't you done that enough already?

George: Nope!

**It happened very suddenly. The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell's turban straight into Harry's eyes-and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry's forehead.**

Luna and Neville: That can't be good.

"**Ouch!" Harry clapped a hand to his head.**

"**What is it?" asked Percy.**

"**N-nothing."**

Ginny: You're a terrible liar.

**The pain had gone as quickly as it had come. Harder to shake off was the feeling Harry had gotten from the teacher's look-a feeling that he didn't like Harry at all.**

Harry: Much like the man himself, in the beginning.

"**Who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?" he asked Percy.**

"**Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, **

Minerva: He always looked nervous.

**that's Professor Snape.**

Horace: Severus did have a tendency to put a dampener on the atmosphere, didn't he?

Minerva: Actually, he could be quite funny, when he wanted to be, that is.

George: Yeah right.

**He teaches Potions, but he doesn't want to-everyone knows he's after Quirrell's job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape."**

Neville: That's true.

**Harry watched Snape for a while, but Snape didn't look at him again. **

**At last, the desserts too disappeared, and Professor Dumbledore got to his feet again.**

"**Ahem – just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered.**

George: Great, he thinks we're all animals.

Luna: Technically we are…

**I have a few start-of-term notices to give you.**

Ron (sarcastically): Hooray.

"**First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our other students would do well to remember that as well."**

**Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.**

George: I don't know why he bothered. Like we would pay any attention to it.

"**I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors.**

Hermione: George!

"**Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their House teams should contact Madam Hooch.**

Minerva: You know, she once played for the Holyhead Harpies but she didn't like being in the spotlight. So she came here.

Ron: She's madder than I thought.

"**And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."**

**Harry laughed, **

Ginny: You thought he was joking?

Harry: He was that kind of guy.

Ginny: True…

**but he was one of the few who did.**

"**He's not serious?" he muttered to Percy.**

"**Must be," said Percy, frowning at Dumbledore. "It's odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we're not allowed to go somewhere**

Harry: Oh, believe me, you don't want to hear the reason why it's out of bounds.

Minerva: No-one would believe you, if you told them what was behind the door, anyway. That was kind of the point.

Horace: Point of what?

Hermione: You'll see.

**- the forest's full of dangerous beasts, everyone knows that. I do think he might have told us prefects, at least."**

George: HA! One in the face for Percy!

"**And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" **

Weasleys: YAY!

(Horace is slapping his forehead).

**cried Dumbledore. Harry noticed that the other teachers' smiles had become rather fixed.**

Minerva: Yours would too if you had been hearing it year after year. And every year it just got worse.

**Dumbledore gave his wand a little flick, as if he was trying to get a fly off the end, and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself, snakelike, **

Horace: Ms. Rowling must have been a Slytherin.

**into words.**

"**Everyone pick their favourite tune," **

Minerva: Mistake number one.

**said Dumbledore, "and off we go!"**

**And the school bellowed:**

"_**Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,**_

_**Teach us something please,**_

Horace: What if we couldn't be bothered?

_**Whether we be old and bald**_

Minerva: Hey, Horace, the song was made for you!

_**Or young with scabby knees,**_

_**Our heads could use with filling**_

_**With some interesting stuff,**_

_**For now they're bare and full of air,**_

Hermione and Ginny: Speak for yourself!

_**Dead flies and bits of fluff,**_

_**So teach us things worth knowing,**_

_**Bring back what we've forgot,**_

_**Just do your best, we'll do the rest,**_

_**And learn until our brains all rot."**_

Ron: As if!

(All through the song, everybody joined in, even Horace… don't ask).

Luna: Not a very pleasant song, is it?

**Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. **

Ron: Clowns.

George: We prefer show men, thank you very much.

**Dumbledore conducted their last few lines with his wand and when they had finished, he was one of those who clapped loudest.**

Minerva and Horace: Typical!

Minerva: Mistake number two.

"**Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. **

Horace: Sentimental old fool.

Minerva: Yet he refused every time I offered to teach him to play an instrument.

"**A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"**

George: Did he have his glasses on the right way? He seemed to think that we were all horses.

**The Gryffindor first years followed Percy through the chattering crowds, out of the Great Hall, and up the marble staircase. Harry's legs were like lead again, but only because he was so tired and full of food. He was too sleepy even to be surprised that the people in the portraits along the corridors whispered and pointed as they passed, **

Harry: I had started to believe that anything could happen at Hogwarts.

**or that twice Percy led them through doorways hidden behind sliding panels and hanging tapestries. **

Horace: Gives the school that little extra air of mystery, don't you think?

Ron: No, it just makes us turn up late for our lessons.

**They climbed more staircases, yawning and dragging their feet, and Harry was just wondering how much farther they had to go when they came to a sudden halt.**

George: Before them stood Hagrid, tall and proud and foaming at the mouth. He seemed to be muttering incomprehensibly as he bent down and reached out towards the group. As he-

Ginny: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

George: Alright, mother.

Ginny: Shut up!

**A bundle of walking sticks was floating in midair ahead of them, and as Percy took a step toward them they started throwing themselves at him.**

Luna: That wasn't very nice.

George: Hey, it worked for Umbridge.

"**Peeves," Percy whispered to the first years. "A poltergeist." He raised his voice, "Peeves-show yourself!"**

**A loud, rude sound, like the air being let out of a balloon, answered.**

Hermione: He was disgusting.

Horace: Oh, lighten up a little. Let the poltergeist have a little fun.

Hermione: Humph. (mutters something about being 'childish').

"**Do you want me to go to the Bloody Baron?"**

Minerva: That one always works.

**There was a pop, and a little man with wicked, dark eyes and a wide mouth appeared, floating cross-legged in the air, clutching the walking sticks.**

George: Peeves, old buddy, old pal!

"**Oooooooh!" he said, with an evil cackle. "Ickle Firsties! What fun!"**

Ron: He has a point. First-years _are_ easy to fool.

Hermione: Don't forget, Ron, you were a first-year, too!

**He swooped suddenly at them. They all ducked.**

"**Go away, Peeves, or the Baron'll hear about this, I mean it!" **

Ginny: No you don't.

**barked Percy.**

George: Why does everyone seem to be turning into animals in this chapter? I mean, first we were all horses, now Percy's a dog!

**Peeves stuck out his tongue and vanished, dropping the walking sticks on Neville's head. **

Neville: Ow.

**They heard him zooming away, rattling coats of armour as he passed.**

"**You want to watch out for Peeves," said Percy, as they set off again. "The Bloody Baron's the only one who can control him, he won't even listen to us prefects. **

Ginny: Good for him.

**Here we are."**

**At the very end of the corridor hung a portrait of a very fat woman **

Hermione: Very polite.

**in a pink silk dress.**

"**Password?" she said.**

George: Merlin knows it would be something weird if Dumbledore was still in charge of Gryffindor.

Minerva: When I was at school, he always chose sweets as a password. He insisted that we would remember them more easily that way.

Harry: I can see that happening.

"**Caput Draconis," said Percy, and the portrait swung forward to reveal a round hole in the wall. They all scrambled through it-Neville needed a leg up**

(Neville blushes).

**-and found themselves in the Gryffindor common room, a cosy, round room full of squashy armchairs.**

Luna: I prefer our old common room to the sound of yours.

**Percy directed the girls through one door to their dormitory and the boys through another. At the top of a spiral staircase-they were obviously in one of the towers- **

Minerva: That would be why it is referred to as Gryffindor _TOWER_.

George: Okay, keep your hair on.

**they found their beds at last: five four-posters hung with deep red, velvet curtains. Their trunks had already been brought up. Too tired to talk much, they pulled on their pyjamas and fell into bed.**

"**Great food, isn't it?" Ron muttered to Harry through the hangings. **

Hermione: That really is all you can think about.

"**Get **_**off**_**, Scabbers! He's chewing my sheets."**

Ron: Bloody rat.

Minerva: I think we got that by the seventieth time.

Horace: Aaaaand the Exaggeration Queen is back!

Minerva: Did you miss me?

**Harry was going to ask Ron if he'd had any of the treacle tart, but he fell asleep almost at once.**

**Perhaps Harry had eaten a bit too much, **

Ron: I certainly had.

**because he had a very strange dream. **

Harry: Then again, what isn't strange in my life?

**He was wearing Professor Quirrell's turban, which kept talking to him, telling him he must transfer to Slytherin at once, because it was his destiny.**

Ginny: Careful, Harry, you're starting to sound like Trelawney.

Harry: I didn't write it!

**Harry told the turban he didn't want to be in Slytherin; **

George: You tell it, Harry!

**it got heavier and heavier; he tried to pull it off but it tightened painfully - and there was Malfoy, laughing at him as he struggled with it – **

Hermione: That sounds pretty accurate.

**then Malfoy turned into the hook-nosed teacher, Snape,**

George: Don't tell me you were afraid of him.

Harry: Of course not.

Minerva: Give over; scaring first-years was his speciality.

Horace: And yours wasn't?

Minerva: I like to be respected in my classroom.

**whose laugh became high and cold-there was a burst of green light and Harry woke, sweating and shaking.**

Ron: Bloody hell.

**He rolled over and fell asleep again, and when he woke next day, he didn't remember the dream at all.**

Luna: That's the end of the chapter.

Minerva: Ooh, me next!

_A/N: How're you guys liking this? I think I'm going to finish this one before I carry on with Chamber of Secrets etc. Hoping to do all seven books._

_Have a nice day ;-)_


	8. The Potions Master

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to **minerva's-kitten**. She will know why. Enjoy :)_

Minerva: Right, off we go then.

**Chapter Eight-The Potions Master**

George: Do we have to read this one?

Everyone else: YES!

"**There, look."**

George: It's a flying pig.

Ron: You're getting worse at this.

**"Where?"**

**"Next to the tall kid with the red hair."**

Ron: Charming.

**"Wearing the glasses?"  
"Did you see his face?"**

George: It was twisted and skin was hanging from it in bloody flakes.

Ron: Okay, I take it back, you're not getting worse.

**"Did you see his scar?"**

George: It stands for eternal DOOOOOOM!

**Whispers followed Harry from the moment he left his dormitory the next day. **

Harry: That was irritating.

**People lining up outside classrooms stood on tiptoe to get a look at him, or doubled back to pass him in the corridors again, staring. **

Ginny and Harry: Nosy gits.

**Harry wished they wouldn't, because he was trying to concentrate on finding his way to classes.**

Neville: That's easier said than done.

**There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts: wide, sweeping ones; narrow, rickety ones; **

Minerva: Horace's least favourite staircases. Make of that what you will.

Horace: Must you insist on poking fun at me?

Minerva: Hmm… that's a tough one… YES!

**some that led somewhere different on a Friday; some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump.**

Neville: I still forget which ones they are.

**Then there were doors that wouldn't open unless you asked politely, **

Luna: I liked those doors.

**or tickled them in exactly the right place, **

George: Like the enterance to the kitchens.

Horace: You know how to get into the kitchens?

Hermione: You don't?

Horace: No, _somebody_ refuses to tell me.

Minerva: It's for your own good.

George: Well, it's like Harry thought, she is not a woman to cross. Therefore I shall not attempt it.

**and doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending. **

Ginny: Fred walked into one of those once, it was hilarious.

**It was also very hard to remember where anything was, because it all seemed to move around a lot. The people in the portraits kept going to visit each other, and Harry was sure the suits of armour could walk.**

Luna: They could do more than just walk.

**The ghosts didn't help, either. It was always a nasty shock when one of them glided suddenly through a door you were trying to open. **

(All shiver).

Hermione: I hate that feeling.

**Nearly Headless Nick was always happy to point new Gryffindors in the right direction,**

Harry: Thank goodness for Nick.

**but Peeves the Poltergeist was worth two locked doors and a trick staircase if you met him when you were late for class. **

George: Oh, trust me, it can get a _lot_ worse than that.

**He would drop wastepaper baskets on your head, **

George: Classic.

**pull rugs from under your feet, pelt you with bits of chalk, **

Neville: Those hurt.

**or sneak up behind you, invisible, grab your nose, and screech, "GOT YOUR CONK!"**

Ron: That one was annoying.

**Even worse than Peeves, if that was possible, **

Ginny: Which it's not.

**was the caretaker, Argus Filch. **

Ginny: I take that last comment back!

**Harry and Ron managed to get on the wrong side of him on their very first morning.**

Minerva: Well done! Not quite a record, though. I believe that Fred and George managed to set him off merely minutes after the Start-of-Term Feast.

(George stands and takes a bow).

Ginny: Alright, Mr Showman, sit down!

**Filch found them trying to force their way through a door that unluckily turned out to be the entrance to the out-of-bounds corridor on the third floor.**

Harry: Just our luck.**  
He wouldn't believe they were lost, was sure they were trying to break into it on purpose, **

George: Maybe they were. They discovered the legend of the third-floor corridor and decided to take things into their own hands. The legend said that anybody who should be so unlucky as to-

Hermione: Please stop.

**and was threatening to lock them in the dungeons when they were rescued by Professor Quirrell, **

Neville: Who'd have thought that he could save anything?

**who was passing.**  
**Filch owned a cat called Mrs. Norris, **

George: I never did get to give her a proper kick.

Minerva: I did.

Hermione: That's just evil.

**a scrawny, **

George: Flea-ridden little rat.

**dust-coloured creature with bulging, lamp like eyes just like Filch's. **

Neville: His eyes always looked kind of dull to me, not lamp-like.

**She patrolled the corridors alone. **

George: Roaming them silently, in search of the flesh of her next victim.

**Break a rule in front of her, put just one toe out of line, **

Ron: She sounds like Mum.

Ginny: Hope you enjoyed your Howler, Ron.

**and she'd whisk off for Filch, who'd appear, wheezing, **

Luna: Did he smoke?

Horace: For all we know, he might.

Neville: It wouldn't surprise me.

**two seconds later.**

Harry: Actually not an exaggeration.

**Filch knew the secret passageways of the school better than anyone (except perhaps the Weasley twins) **

George: Thanks to our little paper friend.

Luna: What?

(Harry and George look at each other).

Harry: Nothing.

**and could pop up as suddenly as any of the ghosts. **

Ron: Wouldn't it be creepy if he actually just materialized in front of you when you broke a rule.

**The students all hated him, **

Hermione: He was only doing his job.

Neville: Admit it, Hermione, you hated him too.

Hermione: Well…

Harry: My point exactly. Well, J.K. Rowling's point.

**and it was the dearest ambition of many to give Mrs. Norris a good kick.**

Minerva: Oh, happy days.

**And then, once you had managed to find them, there were the classes themselves. There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.**

Luna: HARRY!

(All look at Harry).

Harry: I had no idea what was in store for me! I was only eleven!

Horace: You can't use that as an excuse forever, m'boy.  
**They had to study the night skies through their telescopes every Wednesday at midnight and learn the names of different stars** **and the movements of the planets. **

Minerva: You know, my husband used to teach Astronomy here for a while.

Hermione: I would really like to meet your husband one day.

(All of a sudden, there is a loud BANG and in the room appears Michael McGonagall. He looks like Mel Gibson, when he was in Braveheart, without the crazy long hair).

Michael: What in Merlin's name-?

Minerva: Michael!

Michael: Min!

(Michael picks Minerva up and spins her around and then… Harry couldn't believe it, prim and proper Professor McGonagall was snogging her husband right in front of them!)

Horace (bored voice): Put her down, you don't know where she's been!

Michael (slyly): Oh, I know exactly where she's been.

George: Please don't inflict this on poor little Ronnie; he's not mature enough to get over it.

(Look at Ron, who is now sat gaping, open-mouthed, at Minerva and Michael. He was so shocked that he didn't even have a chance to tell George to stop calling him Ronnie).

Michael: Well then, would anybody care to explain to me why I'm here?

(After ten minutes of explaining what had happened so far, Michael finally took a seat, which had just conveniently appeared, at the table.)

Michael: Budge up a bit, will you Horace, my friend? Now, I believe some introductions are in order.

(Everyone introduces themselves to Michael who smiles lightly).

Michael: I've heard a lot about you all. You must be something special to make such an impression on Min.

Horace: Can we please get back to the story now?

Minerva: Okay.

**Three times a week they went out to the greenhouses behind the castle to study Herbology, with a dumpy little witch **

Luna: Ms. Rowling's getting ruder as the chapters go on.

Michael: Ms. Rowling?

Minerva: The author, dear.

**called Professor Sprout, **

Michael: Aaah, Pomona the Pest.

George: What?

Michael: Oh, you haven't heard about Min's Hogwarts days, have you?

Ron: What should we know?

Michael: Well, when she was at school, Min, Poppy Pomfrey, Rolanda Hooch and Pomona were never seen without each other, apart from when they went back to their common rooms. And they were-

(Minerva clears her throat loudly).

Michael: But, err, now is not the best time.

Horace: She's got you wrapped around her little finger, hasn't she?

Michael: That's not all she gets me wrapped around…

George: Please stop, I think I'm going to puke.

Ron (horrified): Me too. Old people shouldn't get horny. It just can't happen.

Minerva: Who are you calling old?

**where they learned how to take care of all the strange plants and fungi, and found out what they were used for.**

Michael: Min told me you have quite the talent for Herbology, Neville.

Horace: That would be why he is teaching it.

Neville: Thank you, Horace, but I can speak for myself. Yes, I've always enjoyed Herbology. I find it so interesting.

Minerva: Horace is only irritated because he got caught up in a venomous tentacula once when he was raiding the Greenhouses.

**Easily the most boring class was History of Magic, **

(Harry, Ron and Ginny groan).

**which was the only one taught by a ghost.**

Harry: Which you would have thought might make it a bit more interesting.

Ron: If only.

**Professor Binns had been very old indeed when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire **

Horace: Always a mistake.

George: Why would that be?

Horace: I did that and woke up to find my moustache gone and the word 'MUG' tattooed across my forehead.

Minerva: To be fair, it wasn't an opportunity to miss.

Horace: It was you?

Minerva: Moving on…

**and got up next morning to teach, leaving his body behind him. **

Ginny: What, did he not notice that he had died?

Ron: Probably didn't, he was so boring any way.

**Binns droned on and on while they scribbled down names and dates, and got Emeric the Evil and Uric the Oddball mixed up.**

Horace: How did you manage to confuse those?

Harry: To be honest, we were all half asleep.

Hermione: Apart from me.

Michael: As long as you don't confuse them with Aberic the Aggravating.

Ron: Who is that?

Michael: He slaughtered thousands of Muggle-borns in the thirteenth century. He is nicknamed 'the Aggravating' because his actions aggravated the top dogs at the Ministry and forced them to get better politicians in to put a stop to his antics.

**Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk. **

Horace: Merlin knows how he managed to become a duelling champion when he couldn't see over his desk.

Minerva: Actually, he was at an advantage; he was a much smaller target, therefore harder to injure.

**At the start of their first class he took the register, and when he reached Harry's name he gave an excited squeak and toppled out of sight.**

(All laugh).

Hermione: Surely he knew Harry was coming to Hogwarts?

Minerva: He did, now kindly stop calling me 'Shirley'.

George: I have to get a high-five for that.

(George and Minerva high-five. Then look at each other awkwardly).

George: We must never speak of this again.

Minerva: DEAL!

**Professor McGonagall was again different. **

Minerva: I strive to be different.

**Harry had been quite right to think she wasn't a teacher to cross. **

Michael: Oh, hell no.

Ron: My thoughts exactly.

**Strict and clever,**

Horace: Careful, her head will start to swell any moment now.

**she gave them a talking-to the moment they sat down in her first class.**

Michael: That sounds like you.

Minerva: I can't help it, I hate for a class to start off on the wrong foot with me. At least this way, they know exactly what to expect.

**"Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts," **

Horace: Apart from Potions!

**she said. "Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. **

George: I messed around in your classroom plenty of times. You only ever took away points and gave detentions.

Minerva: Yes, but belive it or not, George, you were rather good at Transfiguration and I refuse to let a good student go.

**You have been warned."**

Horace: Ooh, very final.

**Then she changed her desk into a pig and back again. **

Neville: I loved that trick.

**They were all very impressed and couldn't wait to get started, but soon realized they weren't going to be changing the furniture into animals for a long time. **

Horace: That is evil, Minerva. First show off what you can do and make them think they can do it straight away, then crush their dreams like that.

Minerva: One, I am evil. Two, I love to show off. Three, I show them more complex Transfiguration as an incentive to make them work towards that level. Four, I doubt they had been dreaming about it since I had only just shown them.

Horace: Okay, keep your hair on!

**After taking a lot of complicated notes, they were each given a match and started trying to turn it into a needle. By the end of the lesson, only Hermione Granger had made any difference to her match; **

George: Surprise, surprise.

**Professor McGonagall showed the class how it had gone all silver and pointy and gave Hermione a rare smile.**

Minerva: For Merlin's sake! They are not that rare!

Hermione: We know, Professor, we know.

**The class everyone had really been looking forward to was Defence Against the Dark Arts, but Quirrell's** **lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke. **

George: Too true.

**His classroom smelled strongly of garlic, which everyone said was to ward off a vampire he'd met in Romania **

Michael: Why do they always meet vampires in Romania? Couldn't he be a little more original?

George: Maybe that's what gave him the stutter.

**and was afraid would be coming back to get him one of these days. **

Ron: I wish it had.

**His turban, he told them, had been given to him by an African prince **

Harry: LIAR!

**as a thank-you for getting rid of a troublesome zombie,**

Michael: Zombie? This is just ridiculous!

**but they weren't sure they believed this story. **

Hermione: I would be worried if we had.

**For one thing, when Seamus Finnigan asked eagerly to hear how Quirrell had fought off the zombie, Quirrell went pink and started talking about the weather; **

George: What a jerk.

**for another, they had noticed that a funny smell hung around the turban, and the Weasley twins insisted that it was stuffed full of garlic as well, so that Quirrell was protected wherever he went.**

(Everyone looks at George. Really rather creepy, actually).

**Harry was very relieved to find out that he wasn't miles behind everyone else. Lots of people had come from Muggle families **

Hermione and Michael: Like ME!

**and, like him, hadn't had any idea that they were witches and wizards. There was so much to learn that even people like Ron didn't have much of a head start.**

Ginny: That's because Ron never listened to anything.

Ron: That is not true. I listened to the Quidditch commentaries on the WWN!

**Friday was an important day for Harry and Ron. They finally managed to find their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast without getting lost once.**

All: HOORAY!

Ginny: Is anyone else finding it strange that we keep doing that at the same time?

_(A/N: Bugger, they're on to me!)_

**"What have we got today?" Harry asked Ron as he poured sugar on his porridge.**

**"Double Potions with the Slytherins," **

Neville (sarcastic): Yeah, my favourite.

**said Ron. "Snape's Head of Slytherin House. They say he always favours them**

Luna: Which he did.

**-we'll be able to see if it's true."**

**"Wish McGonagall favoured us," **

Minerva: I do, I'm just more subtle about it.

**said Harry. Professor McGonagall was head of Gryffindor House, but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before.**

Minerva: It was to make sure that you understood the theory!

Everyone else (slowly): Mmm hmm!

**Just then, the mail arrived. **

George: There's a little pick-me-up for you.

**Harry had gotten used to this by now, but it had given him a bit of a shock on the first morning, when about a hundred owls had suddenly streamed into the Great Hall during breakfast, **

Luna: Yes, it was a bit disconcerting, wasn't it?

Ron: Luna! We could have got a coule of jokes out of that!

**circling the tables until they saw their owners, and dropping letters and packages onto their laps.**

Horace: My mail hit me in the head once before I retired.

Minerva: Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

Horace: That was you too?

**Hedwig hadn't brought Harry anything so far. She sometimes flew in to nibble his ear **

George: Harry's got a girlfriend!

Everyoneone else, except Michael, (lazily): Shut up, George.

**and have a bit of toast before going off to sleep in the owlery with the other school owls.**

Ginny: That's a nice way to greet you, isn't it, nicking your toast?

**This morning, however, she fluttered down between the marmalade and the sugar bowl and dropped a note onto Harry's plate. **

All: YAY!

**Harry tore it open at once. It said, in a very untidy scrawl:**

**Dear Harry,**

**I know you get Friday afternoons off, **

Ron: How does he know that.

George: Maybe he was... STALKING YOU!

**so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three? I want to hear all about your first week. **

Harry: Not much to know, really.

**Send us an answer back with Hedwig.**

**Hagrid**

**Harry borrowed Ron's quill, scribbled **_**Yes, please, see you later**_** on the back of the note, and sent Hedwig off again.**

Luna: I hope you gave Hedwig a treat when she came back. Poor owl must have been hungry.

**It was lucky that Harry had tea with Hagrid to look forward to, because the Potions lesson turned out to be the worst thing that had happened to him so far.**

Hermione: Why am I not surprised?

**At the start-of-term banquet, Harry had gotten the idea that Professor Snape disliked him. **

George: Gee, I wonder how you came to that conclusion.

**By the end of the first Potions lesson, he knew he'd been wrong.**

**Snape didn't dislike Harry **– **he **_**hated**_** him.**

Horace: He hated everybody.

Minerva: No he didn't. He may have been a sadistic bastard, but he didn't loathe everyone.

**Potions** **lessons took place down in one of the dungeons. It was colder here than up in the main castle, **

Hermione: Hot air rises.

**and would have been quite creepy enough without the pickled animals floating in glass jars all around the walls.**

Horace: You should see it during Halloween. I make it a point to decorate it, you know, like Muggles do on Halloween.

Neville: But last time I checked, Muggles didn't use enchanted paper bats and the like.

**Snape, like Flitwick, started the class by taking the register, and like Flitwick, he paused at Harry's name.**

Luna: Uh oh.

"**Ah, Yes," he said softly, "Harry Potter. Our new-**_**celebrity**_**."**

Minerva: Who was our old one?

**Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind their hands.**

Ginny: Thank Merlin he doesn't go around with them anymore. They were too good for his ego.

**Snape finished calling the names and looked up at the class. **

George: As his eyes bore deep into those of each of the students, his eyes came to rest upon Harry. It was the day that Harry realised the phrase 'if looks could kill' was in fact very true. All of a sudden, bright bolts of fire burst from his pupil and scorched the hem of Harry's robes.

Michael: That is possibly the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

Ginny: You obviously haven't known George for too long. You'll get used to it.

**His eyes were black like Hagrid's, but they had none of Hagrid's warmth. **

Ron: Surprise.

**They were cold and empty and made you think of dark tunnels.**

**"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," **

George: Oh no, here comes the big yearly speech.

**he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but they caught every word **

Neville: We were more scared that if we missed anything, he would do something to punish us.

**-- like Professor McGonagall, Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort.**

Minerva: It's rather easy actually.

Michael: Unless, of course, your name is Sybil.

Hermione: No, most of her class sit there in silence because they are astonished at how awful the lesson really is.

**"As there is little foolish wand-waving here, **

Luna: That's not foolish.

**many of you will hardly believe this is magic. **

Neville: Well, it is very like Muggle chemistry.

**I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, **

Horace: That is a rather special sight.

(Everyone else looks at him oddly).

**the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, **

George: Especially the ones that slowly poison you.

(Everyone looks at him, now).

George: I meant that's what he would be thinking.

**bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame,**

Horace: Not literally, of course.

Luna: Well, you could get a potion that might enhance your talents, effectively improving your chances of gaining fame.

Neville: Wow, Luna, that actually makes sense.

**brew glory, even stopper death **

Michael: Not completely.

Minerva: Even if you could, it would have terrible side-effects.

**- if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."**

Minerva: How unprofessional is that?

George: I hope he wasn't talking about me!

**More silence followed this little speech. Harry and Ron exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. Hermione Granger was on the edge of her seat and looked desperate to start proving that she wasn't a dunderhead.**

Hermione: Well, I was. I hate people thinking I'm an idiot.

Harry: Trust me, we could never _ever_ think that.

**"Potter!" said Snape suddenly. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"**

Horace: Like you would know that at your age!

_**Powdered root of what to an infusion of what?**_

Neville: Asphodel and wormwood.

Harry: Too little, too late, Neville.

**Harry glanced at Ron, who looked as stumped as he was; Hermione's hand had shot into the air.**

Ron: No surprise there, then.

**"I don't know, sir," said Harry. **

**Snape's lips curled into a sneer.**

Minerva: No, he was always sneering.

**"Tut, tut -- fame clearly isn't everything."**

Ginny: Git!

**He ignored Hermione's hand.**

**"Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"**

George: Almost as if he's trying to make you look bad, isn't it, Harry?

**Hermione stretched her hand as high into the air as it would go without her leaving her seat, but Harry didn't have the faintest idea what a bezoar was. **

Michael: Not surprising.

**He tried not to look at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were shaking with laughter.**

George: IDIOTS!

**"I don't know, sir." **

**"Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?"**

Michael: He would be rather stupid if he hadn't.

**Harry forced himself to keep looking straight into those cold eyes.**

Michael: That's it, keep the strength up.

**He **_**had**_** looked through his books at the Dursleys', but did Snape expect him to remember everything in **_**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi?**_

Ginny: YES!

**Snape was still ignoring Hermione's quivering hand.**

Hermione: That got really annoying.

**"What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"**

Horace: There is no difference.

George: And you say that I have a vendetta against Snape, what about the one he had against Harry?

**At this, Hermione stood up, her hand stretching toward the dungeon ceiling.**

Ron (snickering): Calm down, Hermione.

**"I don't know," said Harry quietly. "I think Hermione does, though, why don't you try her?"**

Neville: That was brave of you, Harry.

**A few people laughed; Harry caught Seamus' eye, and Seamus winked. Snape, however, was not pleased.**

George: Surprise, surprise.

**"Sit down," he snapped at Hermione.**

**"For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. **

Horace: Which is extremely difficult to make.

Michael: No it's not.

Horace: Yes, it is.

Hermione: Professor, it's really not that bad.

(Horace just starts muttering so Minerva continues reading).

**A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat **

Luna: Sounds nice.

**and it will save you from most poisons. **

Ron: As we discovered.

**As for monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite. Well? **

George: Well what?

**Why aren't you all copying that down?"**

Harry: Because you didn't tell us to!

**There was a sudden rummaging for quills and parchment. Over the noise, Snape said, "And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter."**

Weasleys and Harry: Git.

**Things didn't improve for the Gryffindors as the Potions lesson continued. **

Luna: How could I see that coming?

**Snape put them all into pairs **

Minerva: Bad idea.

**and set them to mixing up a simple potion to cure boils.**

Horace: Well, that one can go very wrong.

**He swept around in his long black cloak, watching them weigh dried nettles and crushed snake fangs, criticizing almost everyone except Malfoy, **

Ron: Git.

**whom he seemed to like.**

George: NEVER! He must have been possessed by the devil himself!**  
He was just telling everyone to look at the perfect way Malfoy had stewed his horned slugs**

Minerva: Horace, it's you!

Horace: Shut up.

Michael: Don't tell her to shut up!

Luna: I would carry on with the story before they start a fight.  
**when clouds of acid green smoke and a loud hissing filled the dungeon. **

Horace: Oh no!

**Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus' cauldron into a twisted blob, **

Ron: Well done, Neville.

(Neville turns red).

**and their potion was seeping across the stone floor, burning holes in people's shoes.**

Horace: Did you add the porcupine quills too early?

**Within seconds, the whole class was standing on their stools **

George: Good move. I can't believe Snape let you do that though.

Hermione: Half of the class were Slytherins; he wouldn't say no to them.

**while Neville, who had been drenched in the potion when the cauldron collapsed, moaned in pain as angry red boils sprang up all over his arms and legs.**

**"Idiot boy!" **

Weasleys, Harry and Neville: Git.

Michael: You say that a lot, don't you?

Ron: I would get used to it, if I were you.

**snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wand. "I suppose you added the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire?"**

Horace: Oh, that's not a good thing.

**Neville whimpered as boils started to pop up all over his nose.**

(Neville puts his head in his hands).

**"Take him up to the hospital wing," Snape spat at Seamus. Then he rounded on Harry and Ron, who had been working next to Neville.**

Luna: Uh oh.

**"You-Potter-why didn't you tell him not to add the quills? **

Minerva: Because he was concentrating on his OWN BLOODY POTION!

**Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? **

Harry: Oh, it would take a lot more than that to make me look good.

**That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."**

Minerva: Screw it, a point to Gryffindor.

Horace: You know he's not at this school anymore, right?

Minerva: Of course I do, I'm not senile just yet.

**This was so unfair that Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Ron kicked him behind their cauldron.**

Ginny: Charming.

**"Don't push it," he muttered, "I've heard Snape can turn very nasty."**

Neville: How right you were.

**As they climbed the steps out of the dungeon an hour later, Harry's mind was racing and his spirits were low. He'd lost two points for Gryffindor in his very first week**

George: That's nothing to how many Fred and I lost in our first week. I believe it was around a hundred by our first Sunday.

**-**_**why**_** did Snape hate him so much? **

**"Cheer up," said Ron, "Snape's always taking points off Fred and George. **

Minerva: Everybody always did.

**Can I come and meet Hagrid with you?"**

George: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Stay back! Back I tell you!

Ginny: Melodrama, don't you just love it?

**At five to three they left the castle and made their way across the grounds. Hagrid lived in a small wooden house on the edge of the forbidden forest. **

Horace: Brave guy. I wouldn't live that close to the forest.

Michael: It's not that bad, actually. I've seen worse creatures than the ones that live in there.

**A crossbow and a pair of galoshes **

Ron: Wonder what size they would have had to have been?

**were outside the front door.**

**When Harry knocked they heard a frantic scrabbling from inside and **

George: Harry distinctly heard a scratchy voice say: "Quick, someone is coming!" When the door opened, none other than Argus Filch hobbled out of the door muttering something about 'bloody giants'.

**several booming barks. Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying, "**_**Back**_**, Fang-**_**back**_**."**

Hermione: That's what I say to Ron when I'm dishing up our dinner.

(All laugh).

Ron: Great, now she develops a sense of humour.

**Hagrid's big, hairy face **

Harry: I'm getting quite irritated by J.K. Rowling's descriptions now.

**appeared in the crack as he pulled the door open.**

**"Hang on," he said. "**_**Back**_**, Fang."**

**He let them in, struggling to keep a hold on the collar of an enormous black boarhound.**

**There was only one room inside. **

Ginny: I don't think I could stand living in one room.

Hermione: Me neither.

**Hams and pheasants were hanging from the ceiling, **

Luna: That is disgusting. The Hinderplocks would be swarming around them if Hagrid wasn't careful.

Michael: Hinderplocks?

Everyone else (barring Luna): Don't ask!

**a copper kettle was boiling on the open fire, and in the corner stood a massive bed with a patchwork quilt over it.**

**"Make yerselves at home," **

Neville: Somehow, I think that was probably easier said than done.

**said Hagrid, letting go of Fang, who bounded straight at Ron and started licking his ears. Like Hagrid, Fang was clearly not as fierce as he looked.**

Ginny: Hagrid, fierce?

Harry: You would be surprised, he can turn nasty.

**"This is Ron," Harry told Hagrid, who was pouring boiling water into a large teapot and putting rock cakes **

Harry: Which were actually made of rocks.

**onto a plate.**

"**Another Weasley, eh?" **

Ron: Why does everyone say that?

**said Hagrid, glancing at Ron's freckles. I spent half me life chasin' yer twin brothers away from the forest."**

George: Ah, good times, my friends, good times.

**The rock cakes were shapeless lumps with raisins that almost broke their teeth, but Harry and Ron pretended to be enjoying them **

Luna: It was nice of you to spare his feelings like that.

Ron: I should've gone into acting.

Ginny: Wake up, Ron.

**as they told Hagrid all about their first lessons. Fang rested his head on Harry's knee and drooled all over his robes.**

Neville: Nice.  
**Harry and Ron were delighted to hear Hagrid call Filch "that old git."**

Harry: Maybe he spent a little too much time chasing after you and Fred.

George: I have that effect on people.  
**"An' as fer that cat, Mrs. Norris, I'd like ter introduce her to Fang sometime. **

Ron: There would be no point, Fang would probably run away.

**D'yeh know, every time I go up ter the school, she follows me everywhere? **

Michael: Ooh, somebody's got an admirer.

**Can't get rid of her – **

George and Minerva: Give her a kick!

**Filch puts her up to it."**

Neville: That sounds about right.  
**Harry told Hagrid about Snape's lesson. Hagrid, like Ron, told Harry not to worry about it, that Snape liked hardly any of the students.**

Horace: Yes, I always wondered why he wanted to teach.

Minerva: Believe it or not, he was a good man and he enjoyed teaching. He just didn't like to show it.

**"But he seemed to really **_**hate**_** me."**

Ron: Seemed to?

**"Rubbish!" said Hagrid. "Why should he?"**

Harry: Oh, you have no idea.

**Yet Harry couldn't help thinking that Hagrid didn't quite meet his eyes when he said that.**

Horace: He never could lie very well.

Luna: I think we established that.

**"How's yer brother Charlie?" Hagrid asked Ron. "I liked him a lot-**

Minerva: Who didn't?

**great with animals."**

**Harry wondered if Hagrid had changed the subject on purpose.**

Hermione: Really, Harry, could you not tell?

Harry: I was el-

Ron: Don't even think about saying 'I was only eleven'! It's not an excuse anymore.

**While Ron told Hagrid all about Charlie's work with dragons, Harry picked up a piece of paper that was lying on the table under the tea cosy. **

Ginny: Now who's being a nosy git?

**It was a cutting from the **_**Daily Prophet**_

Michael: I used to write for the Daily Prophet. Never again!

Hermione: What do you do now, if you don't mind me asking?

Michael: I work in the Department of Mysteries.

George: Cool.

_**GRINGOTTS BREAK-IN LATEST**_

_**Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts on 31 July, widely believed to be the work of Dark wizards or witches unknown.**_

Minerva: They knew who it was.

_**Gringotts goblins today insisted that nothing had been taken. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied the same day.**_

Harry: Thank heavens.

_**"But we're not telling you what was in there, so keep your noses out if you know what's good for you," **_

(All laugh).

Michael: That's goblins for you.

_**said a Gringotts spokesgoblin this afternoon.**_

**Harry remembered Ron telling him on the train that someone had tried to rob Gringotts, but Ron hadn't mentioned the date.**

"**Hagrid!" said Harry, "that Gringotts break-in happened on my birthday!** **It might've been happening while we were there!"**

George: What if they followed you in, disguised as a rat and then-

Ginny: GEORGE! I AM FED UP OF TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP!!  
**There was no doubt about it, Hagrid definitely didn't meet Harry's eyes this time. He grunted and offered him another rock cake. **

George: Please tell me you didn't eat it.

Harry: If I had tried, I wouldn't have any teeth left right now.

**Harry read the story again. **_**The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied earlier that same day.**_

Hermione: Now it starts to click into place.

**Hagrid had emptied vault seven hundred and thirteen, if you could call it emptying, taking out that grubby little package. Had that been what the thieves were looking for?**

George: No, they were looking for dust.

**As Harry and Ron walked back to the castle for dinner, their pockets weighed down with rock cakes they'd been too polite to refuse, **

Michael: Well, at least you have the manners.

Horace: I think I'd prefer to know outright if I did something badly.

Minerva: But I tell you every day and you just complain about it.

**Harry thought that none of the lessons he'd had so far had given him as much to think about as tea with Hagrid.**

Minerva: Nice to know that we're doing our jobs.

Harry: Yeah, sorry about that.

**Had Hagrid collected that package just in time? **

Luna: Yes!

**Where was it now? **

George: In the deepest and darkest abyss that is more commonly referred to as… Snape's office.

**And did Hagrid know something about Snape that he didn't want to tell Harry?**

Horace: Did he know anything?

Hermione: He wasn't that bad…

Ron: Damn straight, he wasn't!

Harry: Calm down, mate.

Minerva: Who would like to read next?

George: I will!

_A/N: I own nothing, except Michael; he's scrumptious. Uh oh. I shouldn't have typed that. Minerva's pointing her wand at me and I don't like the glare she's sending my way. I think I'll take my laptop and ruuun!_


	9. The Midnight Duel

_A/N: I think I managed to reach a safe distance from Minerva. Phew. For now my laptop and I are safe, never fear! Constant Vigilance to you all! :)_

**Chapter Nine. The Midnight Duel.**

Michael: This sounds interesting.

Minerva: Very interesting.

(Harry, Ron and Hermione glance at each other nervously).

**Harry had never believed he would meet a boy he hated more than Dudley, **

George: I would have thought that was impossible.

**but that was before he met Draco Malfoy. **

George: Oh, I see your point.

**Still, first-year Gryffindors only had Potions with the Slytherins, so they didn't have to put up with Malfoy much.**

Michael: Somehow, I don't see the happiness lasting very long.

**Or at least, they didn't until they spotted a notice pinned up in the Gryffindor common room that made them all groan. **

Luna: Ah.

**Flying lessons would be starting on Thursday—and Gryffindor and Slytherin would be learning together.**

Michael: Hey, what do you know?

George: If you're Ron, not very much.

"**Typical," said Harry darkly. "Just what I always wanted. To make a fool of myself on a broomstick in front of Malfoy."**

Horace: I've said it before and I'll say it again, you should have more faith in yourself, Harry.

**He had been looking forward to learning to fly more than anything else.**

"**You don't know that you'll make a fool of yourself," said Ron reasonably.**

Ron: No, it was so much sweeter than that.

Harry: Hey, you call making a fool of myself sweet?

Ron: As long as it's not me who's making a fool of themselves!

"**Anyway, I know Malfoy's always going on about how good he is at Quidditch, but I bet that's all talk."**

Harry: I have to say, he was rather good at flying.

Michael: Not good enough though, hey Harry?

Harry: Very true.

**Malfoy certainly did talk about flying a lot. **

Horace: Sounds like someone else I know!

Minerva: I admit, I do talk about flying a lot. But I do love riding a broomstick.

Michael (whispering to her): Not the only thing you like riding, I hope?

Horace: URGH! That's enough!

George: Jealous, are we?

**He complained loudly about first years never getting on the house Quidditch teams and told long, boastful stories **

Ron: About how he sounded like a ferret on helium? Show off.

**that always seemed to end up with him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters.**

George: Not very original, is he?

**He wasn't the only one, though: the way Seamus Finnigan told it, he'd spent most of his childhood zooming around the countryside on his broomstick. **

Ron: But I don't understand how he didn't get on the team.

**Even Ron would tell anyone who'd listen about the time he'd almost hit a hang glider on Charlie's old broom. **

Harry: What was that about showing off?

**Everyone from wizarding families talked about Quidditch constantly. Ron had already had a big argument with Dean Thomas, who shared their dormitory, about football. **

Michael: I always preferred rugby to football, if I'm honest.

Hermione: Really? Isn't it brutal?

Michael: Yes. It was a lot more exciting, I still play it quite often, actually.

Hermione: Watch out, Horace!

**Ron couldn't see what was exciting about a game with only one ball where no one was allowed to fly. **

Hermione: Actually, he's quite right, I never found football that interesting.

**Harry had caught Ron prodding Dean's poster of West Ham soccer team, trying to make the players move.**

Hermione: Ron! What on earth did you do that for?

Ron: It was worth a shot.

Ginny: No it wasn't. Really.

**Neville had never been on a broomstick in his life, because his grandmother had never let him near one. **

Minerva: Honestly?

Neville: She seemed to think it was safer that way.

**Privately, Harry felt she'd had good reason, because Neville managed to have an extraordinary number of accidents even with both feet on the ground.**

Luna: HARRY!

Neville: He has a point, though, Luna.

**Hermione Granger was almost as nervous about flying as Neville was.**

Hermione: I still hate flying.

George, Minerva and Michael: Blasphemy!

**This was something you couldn't learn by heart out of a book—not that she hadn't tried. **

George: You what?

**At breakfast on Thursday she bored them all stupid with flying tips she'd gotten out of a library book called **_**Quidditch Through the Ages.**_

Harry: Thanks for that, Hermione.

**Neville was hanging on to her every word, desperate for anything that might help hang on to his broomstick later, **

Neville: Didn't help, though, did it?

**but everybody else was very pleased when Hermione's lecture was interrupted by the arrival of the mail.**

Hermione: Thank you so much.

**Harry hadn't had a single letter since Hagrid's note, something that Malfoy had been quick to notice, of course. Malfoy's eagle owl was always bringing him packages of sweets from home, **

George: Wish he had choked on them.

**which he opened gloatingly at the Slytherin table.**

Michael: That should be his downfall, one day.

**A barn owl brought Neville a small package from his grandmother. He opened it excitedly and showed them a glass ball the size of a large marble, **

Neville: No it wasn't, it was bigger than that.

**which seemed to full of white smoke.**

"**It's a Remembrall!" he explained. "Gran knows I forget things**

Minerva: I really do wish that Augusta would have trusted you more.

—**this tells you if there's something you've forgotten to do. **

Michael: Its one major flaw is that it can't tell you what you've forgotten.

**Look, you hold it tight like this and if it turns red—oh…" His face fell, **

Luna: Oops.

**because the Remembrall had suddenly glowed scarlet, "…you've forgotten something…"**

Neville: Makes a change.

**Neville was trying to remember what he'd forgotten when Draco Malfoy, who was passing the Gryffindor table, snatched the Remembrall out of his hand.**

George: Slimy git.

Hermione: Ferret face.

Horace: Not you as well?

Hermione: Sorry.

Minerva: Don't be sorry. I gave up on apologizing for that a long time ago.

**Harry and Ron jumped to their feet. **

Luna: Noble as ever.

**They were half hoping for a reason to fight Malfoy,**

George: Me too.

**but Professor McGonagall, who could spot trouble quicker than any teacher in the school, **

Minerva: You better believe it.

Horace: We call her 'Eagle Eyes'.

**was there in a flash.**

"**What's going on?"**

George (muttering quietly): Turn him into a ferret, turn him into a ferret. Please, for Merlin's sake, turn him into a ferret.

"**Malfoy's got my Remembrall, Professor."**

**Scowling, Malfoy quickly dropped the Remembrall back on the table.**

Minerva: I didn't even have to speak to him, that is skill.

"**Just looking," **

Ron: Of course he was.

**he said, and he sloped away with Crabbe and Goyle behind him.**

Ginny: As always.

**At three-thirty that afternoon, Harry, Ron, and the other Gryffindors hurried down the front steps onto the grounds for their first flying lesson. **

Harry: HOORAY!

**It was a clear, breezy day, and the grass rippled under their feet as they marched down the sloping lawns **

Ginny: Ah, the joys of rural Scotland.

Minerva: At least it wasn't raining.

Michael: Yeah, that's a pain in the arse.

**toward a smooth, flat lawn on the opposite side of the grounds to the forbidden forest, whose trees were swaying darkly in the distance.**

Luna: _Swaying darkly_?

Harry: I think we all know by now that J.K. Rowling is rather fond of strange descriptions.

The Slytherins were already there, and so were twenty broomsticks,

George: Twenty, is that all?

**lying in neat lines on the ground. **

George: Little did Harry know that they were actually filled with illegal Muggle drugs and Madam Hooch was planning to sell them to whoever happened to discover that fact first.

(Ginny starts banging her head on the table).

Michael: Please don't do that, dear. You'll hurt yourself. It's not like he's going to stop, anyway.

**Harry had heard Fred and George Weasley complain about the school brooms, saying that some of them started to vibrate if you flew too high, or always flew slightly to the left.**

Minerva: Rolanda was always asking for better funds for new broomsticks but the school governors didn't seem to like that.

**Their teacher, Madam Hooch, arrived. She had short, grey hair, and yellow eyes like a hawk.**

Michael: Ah, Rolanda the Rebel.

George: You're going to have to tell me about those four later on.

"**Well, what are you all waiting for?" **

Ron: For you to tell us what to do, perhaps?

**she barked. "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."**

Minerva: Rolanda had begun to lose her patience with students when Fred and George turned up.

George: Our pleasure.

**Harry glanced down at his broom. It was old and some of the twigs stuck out at odd angles.**

George: One of the better ones than?

"**Stick out your right hand over your broom," called Madam Hooch at the front, "and say 'Up!'"**

George and Ginny: DOWN!

"**UP!" everyone shouted.**

**Harry's broom jumped into his hand at once, **

Michael: Mark of the natural.

**but it was one of the few that did. **

Luna: Oh, good for you.

**Hermione Granger's had simply rolled over on the ground, **

(Hermione just smiles).

**and Neville's hadn't moved at all. **

(Neville flushes pink).

**Perhaps, brooms, like horses, could tell when you were afraid, thought Harry; **

Horace: There's an interesting thought.

George: Since when have you ridden a horse?

Harry: I haven't. It was just a thought.

**there was a quaver in Neville's voice that said only too clearly that he wanted to keep his feet on the ground.**

Neville: I never was a keen flier.

**Madam Hooch then showed them how to mount their brooms without sliding off the end, and walked up and down the rows correcting their grips. Harry and Ron were delighted when she told Malfoy he'd been doing it wrong for years.**

Weasleys, Neville and Harry: YAY!

"**Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard," **

Horace: Easier said than done.

Everybody else: WHAT?

Luna: That's the easy part.

Horace: Oh, yes… of course…

**said Madam Hooch. "Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet, and then come straight back down **

Michael: For some reason, I don't think that's going to happen.

**by leaning forward slightly. On my whistle—three—two— "**

George: BOOM!

(Everybody jumps slightly then glares at George).

George (innocently): What?

Horace: I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Michael: I thought you were going to have one when I turned up.

Hermione: You can't have a heart attack caused by jealousy, can you?

_(A/N: Minerva's-kitten, that's for you!)_

Horace: I'm sure I have no idea what you mean.

Ginny: Mmm hmm.

**But Neville, nervous and jumpy and frightened of being left on the ground, pushed off hard before the whistle had touched Madam Hooch's lips.**

George: GO NEVILLE!!

Neville: Thank, George.

"**Come back, boy!"** **she shouted, but Neville was rising straight up like a cork shot out of a bottle—twelve feet—twenty feet. **

Luna: I can't listen!

**Harry saw his scared white face look down at the ground falling away, saw him gasp, **

Neville: Oh no.

**slip sideways off the broom and—**

**WHAM**

(All wince).

—**a thud and a nasty crack **

Luna: Ouch.

**and Neville lay facedown on the grass in a heap. His broomstick was still rising higher and higher, and started to drift lazily toward the forbidden forest and out of sight.**

Horace: Well, there's one broom you'll never see in one place again.

Minerva: Is that all you have to say? Neville fell out of the sky and you're concerned about the broomstick?

George: Hey, it's raining Nevilles!

**Madam Hooch was bending over Neville, her face as white as his.**

"**Broken wrist," Harry heard her mutter. "Come on, boy**

Harry: She couldn't be bothered to learn our names, could she?

Michael: Never was any good with names.

—**it's all right, up you get."**

**She turned to the rest of the class.**

"**None of you is to move while I take this boy to the hospital wing! **

George: FREEZE! It's like that Muggle game, Musical Statues!

(Ginny sighs deeply).

**You leave those brooms where they are or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'Quidditch.' **

Ron: She wouldn't do that.

**Come on, dear."**

**Neville, his face tear-streaked, **

Ron: Very macho, Nev.

Neville: I had just broken my wrist!

**clutching his wrist, hobbled off with Madam Hooch, who had her arm around him.**

George: Aww, wish I could've taken a photograph of that.

Michael: She really shouldn't have left you lot alone.

**No sooner were they out of earshot than Malfoy burst into laughter.**

George: What the hell?

"**Did you see his face, the great lump?"**

All: EVIL GIT!

**The other Slytherins joined in.**

"**Shut up, Malfoy," snapped Parvati Patil.**

Neville: Thank you, Parvati.

"**Ooh, sticking up for Longbottom?" said Pansy Parkinson, a hard-faced Slytherin girl. "Never thought **_**you'd**_** like fat little cry babies, Parvati."**

Hermione: I wish I had hexed her, there and then.

"**Look!" said Malfoy, darting forward and snatching something out of the grass. "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's Gran sent him."**

Neville: Actually, it was quite useless, wasn't it?

**The Remembrall glittered in the sun as he held it up.**

Horace: did we need to know that?

"**Give that here, Malfoy," said Harry quietly. **

Ginny: Not going to happen.

**Everyone stopped talking to watch.**

George: Nosy beggars.

**Malfoy smiled nastily.**

"**I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find—how about—up a tree?"**

Luna: He could just summon it.

Harry: Luna, we were first years, we didn't know any Summoning charms.

"**Give it **_**here**_**!" Harry yelled, but Malfoy had leapt onto his broomstick and taken off. He hadn't been lying, he **_**could**_** fly well. **

Ron: Not well enough, though.

**Hovering level with the topmost branches of an oak he called, "Come and get it, Potter!"**

George: No, Harry, it's a trap!

**Harry grabbed his broom.**

"_**No**_**!" shouted Hermione Granger. "Madam Hooch told us not to move—you'll get us all into trouble."**

Michael: The voice of reason, as ever.

(Hermione blushes slightly).

**Harry ignored her. Blood was pounding in his ears.**

Luna: That must've hurt.

Neville: I give up!

**He mounted the broom and kicked hard against the ground and up, up he soared; air rushed through his hair, **

Harry: It looked a right sight tidier than when I was on the ground.

**and his robes whipped out behind him—and in a rush of fierce joy he realized he'd found something he could do without being taught—this was easy, **

Neville: For some.

**this was **_**wonderful.**_

Minerva: Too right.

Harry: It was awesome.

**He pulled his broomstick up a little to take it even higher, and heard screams and gasps of girls back on the ground and an admiring whoop from Ron.**

**He turned his broomstick sharply to face Malfoy in midair. Malfoy looked stunned.**

"**Give it here," Harry called, "or I'll knock you off that broom!"**

Minerva: HARRY! I thought you were better than that.

Harry: He had it coming to him and, besides, it was only a threat.

"**Oh, yeah?" **

Ron: YEAH!

**said Malfoy, trying to sneer, but looking worried.**

Ginny: Thank Merlin!

**Harry knew, somehow, what to do.**

George: Makes a change, I suppose.

**He leaned forward and grasped the broom tightly in both hands, and it shot toward Malfoy like a javelin. **

George: Then transformed into a real javelin and pierced a hole in Malfoy's skull, right between his eyes. Blood spurted everywhere.

**Malfoy only just got out of the way in time; **

George: What a shame.

**Harry made a sharp about-face and held the broom steady. A few people below were clapping.**

"**No Crabbe and Goyle up here to save your neck, Malfoy," **

Ron: Could they even get off the ground?

Ginny: Surely the brooms wouldn't support them?

George: They had specially made brooms. They were tree stumps.

**Harry called.**

**The same thought seemed to have struck Malfoy.**

George: As he toppled from the broom, paralyzed with fear and landed right on top of –Voldemort, killing them both instantly. Saved Harry a job, though.

"**Catch it if you can, then!" **

Ron: Which he can!

**he shouted, and he threw the glass ball high into the air and streaked back toward the ground.**

**Harry saw, as though in slow motion, the ball rise up in the air and then start to fall.**

(George starts humming the Star Wars theme tune rather loudly).

**He leaned forward and pointed his broom handle down—next second he was gathering speed in a steep dive, **

Luna: Careful Harry!

Harry: Thanks Luna.

**racing the ball—wind whistled in his ears, mingled with the screams of people watching—he stretched out his hand—a foot from the ground he caught it, **

Ginny: Pull out of the dive, quick!!

**just in time to pull his broom straight, **

Ron: Thank Merlin.

**and he toppled gently onto the grass with the Remembrall clutched safely in his fist.**

All: HOORAY!

"**HARRY POTTER!"**

Michael: See? This is what happens when you leave a group of first-years from rival houses together, accompanied only by nineteen broomsticks.

Neville: Nineteen?

Luna: Yours flew away, remember?

Neville: Oh yeah.

**His heart sank faster than he'd just dived. Professor McGonagall was running toward them. **

Harry: I never knew you could run before that.

Minerva: There are a lot of things you don't know about me.

**He got to his feet, trembling.**

"_**Never**_**—in all my time at Hogwarts—"**

Horace: Which is a very long time.

Minerva: Are you saying I'm old?

Horace: Well, you're no spring chicken.

Michael: Horace, old boy, may I remind you that that's my wife you're insulting and that I am better at duelling than you?

**Professor McGonagall was almost speechless **

Horace: Almost? That's a shame.

**with shock, and her glasses flashed furiously, "—how **_**dare**_** you—might have broken your neck— "**

George: Cheerful.

"**It wasn't his fault, Professor—"**

Minerva: Well, you could have stayed on the ground. But, I must admit, that would have disappointed me slightly.

Horace: Sticking to the rules would disappoint you?

Minerva: He was standing up for Neville, if he hadn't, he would have disappointed me.

"**Be quiet, Miss Patil—"**

"**But Malfoy—"**

Ron: Is a git?

"**That's **_**enough**_**, Mr. Weasley. Potter, follow me, now."**

Horace: Somebody's in trouble.

(Harry and Ron smirk at each other).

**Harry caught sight of Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's triumphant faces as he left,**

George: Gits!

**walking numbly in Professor McGonagall's wake as she strode toward the castle. He was going to be expelled, he just knew it. **

(Minerva and Harry smile broadly).

**He wanted to say something to defend himself, but there seemed to be something wrong with his voice. **

George: Did it go all squeaky, as if you were on helium?

**Professor McGonagall was sweeping along without even looking at him; he had to jog to keep up. **

Harry: How do you walk so fast?

Minerva: It never seemed that fast to me. I did a lot of running when I was younger, our Quidditch Captain insisted on it and I just carried it on when I became Captain.

Ron: You played Quidditch? What position did you play?

Minerva: I was a seeker, actually.

Harry: Awesome.

**Now he'd done it. He hadn't even lasted two weeks. He'd be packing his bag in ten minutes. **

Hermione: You were so pessimistic, Harry.

**What would the Dursleys say when he turned up on the doorstep?**

Luna: I dread to think.

**Up the front steps, up the marble staircase inside, and still Professor McGonagall didn't say a word to him. **

Harry: You really know how to make people feel guilty, don't you?

Michael: Oh, trust me, I should know.

**She wrenched open doors and marched along corridors with Harry trotting miserably behind her. Maybe she was taking him to Dumbledore. **

Horace: I could see that happening. But I think Albus would go easy on you.

**He thought of Hagrid, expelled but allowed to stay on as gamekeeper. Perhaps he could be Hagrid's assistant. **

George: I would like to see that.

**His stomach twisted as he imagined it, watching Ron and the others becoming wizards while he stumped around the grounds **

George: So, not only did you think that you'd be expelled and end up as Hagrid's assistant, you thought you would have a wooden leg like Mad-Eye's?

**carrying Hagrid's bag.**

**Professor McGonagall stopped outside a classroom. She opened the door and poked her head inside.**

George: Only to be hit in the face with a huge, sticky banoffee pie!

Hermione: I think you're pushing your luck a bit.

George: It's what I do best.

"**Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, could I borrow Wood for a moment?"**

**Wood? Thought Harry, bewildered; was Wood a cane she was going to use on him?**

Minerva: A cane? You thought I would hurt you? HARRY!

Harry: Sorry, but you weren't exactly jumping for joy.

**But Wood turned out to be a person, a burly fifth-year boy who came out of Flitwick's class looking confused.**

George: He looked confused quite often, actually.

"**Follow me, you two," said Professor McGonagall, and they marched on up the corridor, Wood looking curiously at Harry.**

"**In here."**

**Professor McGonagall pointed them into a classroom that was empty except for Peeves, who was busy writing rude words on the blackboard.**

Luna (dreamily): What kind of words?

Neville: LUNA!

"**Out, Peeves!" she barked. Peeves threw the chalk into a bin, which clanged loudly, and he swooped out cursing. Professor McGonagall slammed the door behind him and turned to face the two boys.**

Horace: Get ready for the telling-off of your life.

"**Potter, this is Oliver Wood. Wood—I've found you a Seeker."**

Michael: You've got to be kidding me.

Minerva: Michael, you've heard about this before, remember?

Michael: I know, but I still cannot believe you did that.

Horace: Tut, tut, tut, Minerva. Taking a student out of lessons to talk about Quidditch.

**Wood's expression changed from puzzlement **

George: Which was practically a permanent fixture on his face.

**to delight.**

"**Are you serious, Professor?"**

Minerva: I'm not cruel enough to lie about this sort of thing.

"**Absolutely," said Professor McGonagall crisply. "The boy's a natural. **

Harry (taking a bow): Thank you, thank you very much!

**I've never seen anything like it. Was that your first time on a broomstick, Potter?"**

**Harry nodded silently. **

Ron: And it was absolutely awesome.

**He didn't have a clue what was going on, but he didn't seem to be being expelled, **

Ginny: Oh, well done.

**and some of the feeling started coming back to his legs.**

"**He caught that thing in his hand after a fifty-foot dive," Professor McGonagall told Wood. "Didn't even scratch himself. Charlie Weasley couldn't have done it."**

Ron: He did something similar. Downside is that he broke his leg afterwards.

Neville: Just a _bit _of a downside then.

**Wood was now looking as though all his dreams had come true at once.**

"**Ever seen a game of Quidditch, Potter?" he asked excitedly.**

George: Run for your lives! Freaky Quidditch Fanatic Boy is back.

Luna: What?

Harry: It's what we called Oliver during training, not to his face, of course.

"**Wood's captain of the Gryffindor team," Professor McGonagall explained.**

"**He's just the build for a Seeker, too," said Wood, now walking around Harry and staring at him. **

Michael: Didn't you find that weird?

Harry: Extremely.

"**Light—speedy—we'll have to get him a decent broom, Professor—a Nimbus Two Thousand or a Cleansweep Seven, I'd say."**

Harry: I was never really a fan of Cleansweeps, myself.

"**I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore and see if we can't bend the first-year rule.**

Horace: If anyone can convince Albus, you can.

**Heaven knows, we need a better team than last year. **

George: Yeah, that was awful.

_**Flattened**_** in that last match by Slytherin, I couldn't look Severus Snape in the face for weeks…."**

Horace: Very petty, Minerva.

Minerva: Like you can talk; the look on your face when we beat Slytherin in the last game. Priceless.

**Professor McGonagall peered sternly over her glasses at Harry.**

"**I want to hear you're training hard, Potter, or I may change my mind about punishing you."**

**Then she suddenly smiled.**

George: Quick, somebody take a picture!

"**Your father would have been proud," she said. "He was an excellent Quidditch player himself."**

Horace: Better than excellent. I wish he was on my team.

Minerva: Never!

"**You're **_**joking**_**."**

Luna: Nope.

**It was dinnertime. **

Ginny: Very interesting.

**Harry had just finished telling Ron what had happened when he'd left the grounds with Professor McGonagall. Ron had a piece of steak and kidney pie halfway to his mouth, but he'd forgotten all about it.**

Ginny: Gormless as ever!

Ron: Cheers for that, Gin.

"_**Seeker**_**?" he said. "But first years **_**never**_

George: Oh yes they do!

—**you must be the youngest house player in about—"**

"—**a century," **

Ginny: Don't say you're finishing each others' sentences too? I had enough of Fred and George doing it to last me a lifetime.

**said Harry, shovelling pie into his mouth. **

Hermione: Very civilized, Harry.

**He felt particularly hungry after the excitement of the afternoon. "Wood told me."**

**Ron was amazed, so impressed, he just sat and gaped at Harry.**

Ginny: Like I said, extremely gormless.

"**I start training next week," **

George (sarcastically): Lucky you.

**said Harry. "Only don't tell anyone, Wood wants to keep it a secret."**

Neville: Not going to happen!

**Fred and George Weasley now came into the hall, spotted Harry, and hurried over.**

"**Well done," said George in a low voice. "Wood told us. We're on the team too—Beaters."**

George: Only two of the best Beaters around.

Minerva: I'll drink to that.

"**I tell you, we're going to win that Quidditch cup for sure this year," said Fred. "We haven't won since Charlie left, but this year's team is going to be brilliant. **

Hermione: All because Harry was on it.

**You must be good, Harry, Wood was almost skipping when he told us."**

Luna: I wish I could have seen that.

"**Anyway, we've got to go, Lee Jordan reckons he's found a new secret passageway out of the school."**

Horace: Tut, tut, tut, George. Trying to sneak out of the school, were we?

Minerva: Would you expect anything less of them?

"**Bet it's that one behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy that we found in our first week. **

Harry: Thanks to your little paper friend.

**See you."**

**Fred and George had hardly disappeared when someone far less welcome turned up: **

Neville: Three guesses who.

**Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.**

Neville: Did he ever go anywhere without them?

"**Having a last meal, Potter? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?"**

Harry: He's like that, wouldn't he?

"**You're a lot braver now that you're back on the ground and you've got your little friends with you," **

All: Go Harry!

**said Harry coolly. There was of course nothing at all little about Crabbe and Goyle,**

Michael: You can say that again.

**but as the High Table was full of teachers, neither of them could do more than crack their knuckles and scowl.**

Ginny: Like the bloody great gorillas they are.

"**I'd take you on anytime on my own," said Malfoy. "Tonight, if you want. **

Minerva: I don't like where this is going.

**Wizard's duel. Wands only—no contact. **

Hermione: I couldn't imagine Malfoy getting into a fist-fight and winning.

**What's the matter? Never heard of a wizard's duel before, I suppose?"**

Harry: Not at all.

"**Of course he has," **

Harry: Liar.

**said Ron, wheeling around. "I'm his second, who's yours?"**

Minerva: Mine was always Alastor.

George: Alastor Moody?

Minerva: Yes, he was in my year at Hogwarts.

**Malfoy looked at Crabbe and Goyle, sizing them up.**

Ginny: They were both huge, what is there to evaluate?

"**Crabbe," **

George: Good choice, Crabbe was just a tiny bit less thick than Goyle.

**he said. "Midnight all right? **

Minerva: Don't tell me you went.

**We'll meet you in the trophy room; that's always unlocked."**

Michael: How would he know that?

**When Malfoy had gone, Ron and Harry looked at each other.**

Minerva: OH Merlin! I cannot believe you two.

"**What **_**is**_** a wizard's duel?" said Harry. "And what do you mean, you're my second?"**

Horace: You didn't tell him about seconds?

"**Well, a second's there to take over if you die," said Ron casually, **

Ginny: Well, there's a cheery thought.

**getting started at last on his cold pie. **

Horace: URGH! Cold pie?

**Catching the look on Harry's face, he added quickly, "But people only die in proper duels, you know, with real wizards. **

Michael: As a pose to chocolate wizards?

George: I was always more of a fan of balloon wizards.

Luna: Right…

**The most you and Malfoy'll be able to do is send sparks at each other. **

Minerva: Could you even do that?

**Neither of you knows enough magic to do any real damage. **

Ginny: Hey, perhaps you do have some sense.

**I bet he expected you to refuse, anyway."**

Neville: Probably.

"**And what if I wave my wand and nothing happens?"**

"**Throw it away and punch him on the nose," Ron suggested.**

Michael: Not a bad idea, unless this Malfoy boy knows any proper magic.

"**Excuse me."**

**They both looked up. It was Hermione Granger.**

Ron: It always was.

"**Can't a person eat in peace in this place?" said Ron.**

Harry and Minerva: Nope!

**Hermione ignored him **

Ginny: Good choice.

**and spoke to Harry.**

"**I couldn't help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying—"**

George: Of course not.

"**Bet you could," Ron muttered.**

"—**and you **_**mustn't**_** go wandering around the school at night, **

Minerva: But they still will!

**think of the points you'll lose Gryffindor if you're caught, and you're bound to be.**

Harry: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

**It's really very selfish of you."**

"**And it's really none of your business," said Harry.**

Luna: You're getting ruder, Harry.

"**Goody-bye," said Ron.**

**All the same, it wasn't what you'd call the perfect end to the day, Harry thought, as he lay awake much later listening to Dean and Seamus falling sleep **

George: At least they didn't snore like Lee did.

**(Neville wasn't back from the hospital wing).**

**Ron had spent all evening giving him advice such as "If he tries to curse you, you'd better dodge it, because I can't remember how to block them." **

Michael: _Very_ helpful!

**There was a very good chance they were going to get caught by Filch or Mrs. Norris,**

Minerva: Oh, you were seriously thinking about it? I can't listen any more.

**and Harry felt he was pushing his luck, breaking another school rule today. **

Hermione: Too right.

**On the other hand, Malfoy's sneering face kept looming up out of the darkness**

George: Bet that was a bit of a shock.

—**this was his big chance to beat Malfoy face-to-face. He couldn't miss it.**

Hermione: Oh yes you could.

Michael: What Ms Rowling means is that Harry couldn't miss it without looking like a total prat and a coward.

"**Half-past eleven," Ron muttered at last, "we'd better go."**

**They pulled on their bathrobes, picked up their wands, and crept across the tower room, down the spiral staircase, and into the Gryffindor common room. **

Neville: You two get some really mad ideas sometimes, don't you?

**A few embers were still glowing in the fireplace, turning all the armchairs into hunched black shadows. They had almost reached the portrait hole when a voice spoke from the chair nearest them. "I can't believe you're going to do this, Harry."**

Minerva: Me either!

Horace: I thought you weren't listening any more.

Minerva: Shut up.

**A lamp flickered on. It was Hermione Granger, wearing a pink bathrobe **

Ginny: I didn't know you liked pink, Hermione.

Hermione: I don't, not really; it was a present.

**and a frown.**

"_**You!**_**" said Ron furiously. "Go back to bed!"**

Luna: You weren't really concerned about Hermione, were you?

Ron: In truth, I didn't want her getting in the way.

Hermione: Thank you so much.

"**I almost told your brother," **

George: Almost, thank Merlin.

**Hermione snapped, "Percy—he's a prefect, **

Ron: Like we didn't know.

**he'd put a stop to this."**

Ginny: No he wouldn't.

**Harry couldn't believe anyone could be so interfering.**

Hermione: Get used to it, you have years more to come, yet.

"**Come on," he said to Ron. He pushed open the portrait of the Fat Lady and climbed through the hole.**

**Hermione wasn't going to give up that easily. **

Harry: Probably a good thing, in the end.

**She followed Ron through the portrait hole, hissing at them like an angry goose.**

Minerva: Interesting simile.

"**Don't you **_**care**_** about Gryffindor, do you **_**only**_** care about yourselves, **_**I**_** don't want Slytherin to win the House Cup, **

Harry and Ron: NEITHER DID I!

**and you'll lose all the points I got from Professor McGonagall for knowing about Switching Spells."**

"**Go away."**

Michael: Nice, very nice.

"**All right, but I warned you, you just remember what I said when you're on the train home tomorrow, **

Ginny: Optimistic as usual, Hermione.

**you're so—"**

**But what they were, they didn't find out. Hermione had turned to the portrait of the Fat Lady to get back inside and found herself facing an empty painting. **

Neville: Aah. Problem numero uno.

**The Fat Lady had gone on a night time visit **

George: Convenient.

**and Hermione was locked out of Gryffindor tower.**

"**Now what am I going to do?" she asked shrilly.**

Michael: Don't panic.

"**That's your problem," **

Minerva: Such a gentleman.

**said Ron. "We've got to go, we're going to be late."**

**They hadn't even reached the end of the corridor when Hermione caught up with them.**

"**I'm coming with you," she said. **

"**You are **_**not**_**."**

George: There is no way you are going to be able to get rid of her.

"**D'you think I'm going to stand out here and wait for Filch to catch me? **

Luna: I shouldn't think so.

**If he finds all three of us I'll tell him the truth, that I was trying to stop you, **

Horace: How sly of you.

Hermione: I have my moments.

**and you can back me up."**

George: I wouldn't count on it.

Harry: No, we wouldn't let her get in trouble for us.

Minerva: Yet you did it many a time.

Harry: Well…

"**You've got some nerve—" said Ron loudly.**

Hermione: That's why I'm a Gryffindor.

"**Shut up, both of you!" said Harry sharply. "I heard something."**

Luna: Why does that always happen?

**It was a sort of snuffling.**

George: It turned out to be little Seamus crawling around on his hands and knees, muttering something about the Irish Quidditch team-

Ginny: George, for crying out loud!

"**Mrs. Norris?" breathed Ron, squinting through the dark.**

Ron: Bloody cat.

**It wasn't Mrs. Norris. It was Neville.**

Hermione: Thank goodness.

**He was curled up on the floor, fast asleep, **

Michael: On the floor?

Neville: I was knackered!

**but he jerked suddenly awake as they crept nearer.**

"**Thank goodness you found me! I've been out here for hours, I couldn't remember the new password to get in to bed."**

Minerva: Well, that sounds like you.

"**Keep your voice down, Neville. The password's 'Pig snout' but it won't help you now, the Fat Lady's gone off somewhere."**

Harry: Just in time.

"**How's your arm?" said Harry.**

"**Fine," said Neville, showing them. "Madam Pomfrey mended it in about a minute."**

Ron: Then what took you so long?

Minerva: Oh, you know what Poppy's like. She would keep you in for a week afterwards if she could.

Neville: She tried to. I ended up staying for about three or four hours.

"**Good—well, look, Neville, we've got to be somewhere, we'll see you later—"**

"**Don't leave me!" **

George: Sounding a bit needy, Neville.

**said Neville, scrambling to his feet, "I don't want to be here alone, the Bloody Baron's been past twice already."**

Luna: He can't hurt you, he's a ghost.

Neville: I know, but he creeps me out.

**Ron looked at his watch and then glared furiously at Hermione and Neville.**

"**If either of you get us caught, **

George: You'll what, set them on fire?

**I'll never rest until I've learned that Curse of the Bogies Quirrell told us about, **

(All stare at the book, then suddenly laugh).

Michael: Curse of the Bogies? What a tool!

Ginny: I suppose it would just be the bat-bogey hex.

**and used it on you."**

**Hermione opened her mouth, perhaps to tell Ron exactly how to use the Curse of the Bogies, **

Luna: I can't help feeling that I've heard of that before.

**but Harry hissed at her to be quiet**

Horace: Lovely.

**and beckoned them all forward.**

**They flitted **

Luna: She makes you sound like butterflies.

**along corridors striped with bars of moonlight from the high windows.**

**At every turn Harry expected to run into Filch or Mrs. Norris, **

George: Paranoid, are we?

**but they were lucky. **

Harry: For a change.

**They sped up a staircase to the third floor and tiptoed towards the trophy room.**

Minerva: I can't believe that you actually went.

**Malfoy and Crabbe weren't there yet. **

Hermione: Surprise, surprise.

**The crystal trophy cases glimmered where the moonlight caught them. **

Ginny: PADDING!

**Cups, shields, plates, and statues winked silver and gold in the darkness. **

Luna: Wouldn't it be weird if they _actually_ winked at you?

**They edged along the walls, keeping their eyes on the doors at either end of the room. Harry took out his wand in case Malfoy leapt in and started at once. **

Horace: Slytherins may be sly, but we are not that dishonourable.

**The minutes crept by.**

"**He's late, maybe he's chickened out," **

Michael: I wouldn't count on it.

**Ron whispered.**

**Then a noise in the next room made them jump. Harry had only just raised his wand when they heard someone speak—and it wasn't Malfoy.**

Luna: Uh oh.

"**Sniff around, my sweet, they might be lurking in a corner."**

George: Fortunately for them, Filch was not talking about them. As Harry, Hermione, Neville and Ron took cover behind four conveniently placed suits of armour, Filch followed his scrawny cat and discovered something Harry thought impossible. Professor Snape snogging Madam Hooch senseless.

Luna: The real story, please.

George: Spoil sport.

**It was Filch speaking to Mrs. Norris. Horror-struck, Harry waved madly at the other three to follow him as quickly as possible; **

Hermione: That was not quite the time for a game of charades.

**they scurried silently toward the door, away from Filch's voice. **

Neville: It would have been rather stupid of us to walk towards his voice, wouldn't it?

**Neville's robes had barely whipped round the corner when they heard Filch enter the trophy room.**

Michael: That was fortunate.

"**They're in here somewhere," **

George: No they're not.

**they heard him mutter, "probably hiding."**

Ginny: Well they're not going to jump out at you, are they you bloody old fool?

"**This way!" Harry mouthed to the others and, petrified, they began to creep down a long gallery full of suits of armour. **

Ron: Which jumped out and grabbed us all on the shoulders and-

**They could hear Filch getting nearer. Neville** **suddenly let out a frightened squeak and broke into a run—he tripped, grabbed Ron around the waist, and the pair of them toppled right into a suit of armour.**

Horace: Well done, Neville, m'boy.

**The clanging and crashing were enough to wake the whole castle.**

Minerva: Who's over-exaggerating now?

"**RUN!" Harry yelled, and the four of them sprinted down the gallery, not looking back to see whether Filch was following**

Michael: If you had, he might've seen your faces, which is definitely not a good thing.

—**they swung around the doorpost and galloped down one corridor and another, Harry in the lead, without any idea where they were or where they were going**

Harry: I hardly knew my way anywhere.

—**they ripped through a tapestry **

George: Leaving a Harry-shaped hole in their wake.

**and found themselves in a hidden passageway, hurtled along it and came out near their Charms classroom, which they knew was miles from the trophy room.**

Horace: Not quite miles, m'boy.

"**I think we've lost him," Harry panted, leaning against the cold wall and wiping his forehead. Neville was bent double, wheezing and spluttering.**

Neville: I had asthma.

"**I—**_**told**_**—you," Hermione gasped, clutching at the stitch in her chest, "I—told—you."**

Ron: Enjoy rubbing it in, do you?

Hermione: You should know by know that I do.

"**We've got to get back to Gryffindor tower," said Ron, "quickly as possible."**

Ginny: Way to state the obvious, Ron.

"**Malfoy tricked you," Hermione said to Harry. "You realize that, don't you? He was never going to meet you**

Harry: Thanks a bunch for your faith in me.

—**Filch knew someone was going to be in the trophy room, Malfoy must have tipped him off."**

George: Git.

**Harry thought she was probably right, but he wasn't going to tell her that.**

Hermione: You didn't need to tell me that, I already knew it.

"**Let's go."**

**It wasn't going to be that simple. **

Hermione: It never is.

**They hadn't gone more than a dozen paces when a doorknob rattled and something came shooting out of a classroom in front of them.**

Horace: Uh oh.

**It was Peeves.**

George: Dun, dun, dun…

**He caught sight of them and gave a squeal of delight.**

Luna: That can't be good.

"**Shut up, Peeves—please—you'll get us thrown out."**

Michael (sarcastically): However did you come to that conclusion?

**Peeves cackled.** "**Wandering around at midnight, Ickle Firsties? Tut, tut, tut.**

Minerva: Hey, Horace, I didn't know you were related to Peeves.

Horace: Very funny.

**Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty."**

"**Not if you don't give us away, Peeves, please."**

Neville: You knew that wouldn't work, right?

Harry: It was worth a try.

"**Should tell Filch, I should," **

Ron and Harry: No you shouldn't.

**said Peeves in a saintly voice, but his eyes glittered wickedly. "It's for your own good, you know."**

Ginny: Of course it is.

"**Get out of the way," **

Luna: Well, that was polite.

**snapped Ron, taking a swipe at Peeves**

Neville: Uh oh.

—**this was a big mistake.**

"**STUDENTS OUT OF BED!" **

Ron: Tattle tail!

**Peeves bellowed, "STUDENTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!"**

Horace: Tut, tut, tut.

Harry: Will you stop doing that?

Horace: Will you stop calling people gits?

George: He has a point.

**Ducking under Peeves, they ran for their lives, right to the end of the corridor where **

George: They collided with the vampire that had been looking for revenge on Quirrell. To their surprise, it turned out to be Severus Snape!

Ginny: You really are convinced that he was a vampire, aren't you?

George: Totally!

**they slammed into a door**

All: Ouch!

—**it was locked.**

Hermione: We wouldn't have run into it if it was unlocked.

"**This is it!" Ron moaned, as they pushed helplessly at the door, "We're done for! This is the end!"**

George: And they call me melodramatic!

**They could hear footsteps, Filch running as fast as he could **

Neville: Which wasn't very fast.

**toward Peeve's shouts.**

"**Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. **

Hermione: Snarled? I do not snarl! Do I?

Ron: Err…

Michael (whispering to Ron): Don't answer that. You can't win.

**She grabbed Harry's wand, tapped the lock, and whispered, "**_**Alohomora!**_**"**

Harry: Thank goodness you learnt that spell early.

**The lock clicked and the door swung open—they piled through it, shut it quickly, and pressed their ears against it, listening.**

"**What way did they go, Peeves?"**

Minerva: Like he'd tell him that!

**Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me."**

Minerva: It's not going to work.

"**Say 'please.'"**

"**Don't mess with me, Peeves, now **_**where did they go?**_**"**

Minerva: He's setting you up!

Horace: WE GET THE POINT!

Minerva: No need to get shirty!

"**Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," **

Hermione: Uh oh, it's a double negative, don't fall for it!

Harry: No, we wanted him to fall for it, remember?

Hermione: Oh yeah.

**said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice.**

George: VERY annoying.

"**All right—**_**please**_**."**

"**NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! **

Michael: The idiot walked straight into it.

**Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.**

Luna: I didn't know that Filch was capable of cursing.

"**He thinks this door is locked," **

Minerva: Which it should have been!

**Harry whispered. "I think we'll be okay—get **_**off**_**, Neville!" **

Ginny: Very polite.

**For Neville had been tugging on the sleeve of Harry's bathrobe for the last minute. **

Neville: It was for a very good reason.

"_**What?**_**"**

**Harry turned around—and saw, quite clearly, what. For a moment he was sure he'd walked into a nightmare**

George: You did that when you met me!

—**this was too much, on top of everything that had happened so far.**

**They weren't in a room, as he had supposed. **

Horace: Uh oh.

**They were in a corridor. **

Luna: Ah, I see where this is going.

Neville: Really?

Luna: Yes…

**The forbidden corridor on the third floor. **

Michael: Of all the places you could have walked into, you had to end up in there, didn't you?

Harry: It was just our luck!

**And now they knew why it was forbidden.**

**They were looking straight into the eyes of a monstrous dog, **

Horace: A dog? Is that it?

**a dog that filled the whole space between ceiling and floor. It had three heads. **

Horace: Oh.

**Three pairs of rolling, mad eyes; three noses, twitching and quivering in their direction; three drooling mouths, saliva hanging in slippery ropes from yellowish fangs.**

George: Eww! Even I wouldn't come up with something that disgusting.

**It was standing quite still, all six eyes staring at them, and Harry knew that the only reason they weren't already dead was that their sudden appearance had taken it by surprise, **

Horace: Much like when you suddenly appear in front if Hagrid.

**but it was quickly getting over that, **

Hermione: Damn!

**there was no mistaking what those thunderous growls meant.**

Luna: Maybe he just wanted to be stroked.

**Harry groped for the doorknob—between Filch and death, he'd take Filch.**

Neville: Good choice.

George: Or not.

**They fell backward—Harry slammed the door shut, and they ran, they almost flew, **

Horace: That would be an interesting journey.

**back down the corridor. Filch must have hurried off to look for them somewhere else, because they didn't see him anywhere, **

Ron: Thank Merlin.

**but they hardly cared—all they wanted to do was put as much space as possible between them and that monster. **

Harry: I think that was a good choice.

**They didn't stop running until they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady on the seventh floor.**

Minerva: It wouldn't have followed you.

Ron: We know, it was just a bit of a shock to the system.

"**Where on earth have you all been?" **

(George opens his mouth but Ginny stops him).

Ginny: Don't even think about it.

**she asked, looking at their bathrobes hanging off their shoulders and their flushed, sweaty faces.**

"**Never mind that—pig snout, pig snout," **

Luna: Saying the password twice won't make the portrait open faster.

**panted Harry. And the portrait swung forward. **

Minerva: She was a lot more nosy when I was at school.

**They scrambled into the common room and collapsed, trembling into armchairs.**

**It was a while before any of them said anything. Neville, indeed, looked as if he'd never speak again.**

(Neville blushes).

"**What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?"**

Minerva: We wanted to kill you all.

George: Is it sad how I find that very creepy and yet very believable?

Ginny: YES!

George: Thanks for the vote of confidence, little sis.

**said Ron finally. "If any dog needs exercise, that one does."**

Minerva: Oh, that's right, exercise a huge three-headed bloody dog in front of a whole school of very nosy children.

**Hermione had got both her breath and her bad temper back again.**

"**You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" **

Harry, Ron and Neville: NOPE.

**she snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"**

"**The floor?" **

Ginny: No way!

**Harry suggested. "I wasn't looking at its feet, I was too busy with its heads."**

Michael: I think I would be too.

"**No, not the floor. It was standing on a trapdoor. **

Luna: At least you noticed, Hermione.

Hermione: Well, they certainly wouldn't.

**It's obviously guarding something."**

**She stood up, glaring at them.** **"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. **

George: Oh, _very._ They could have been killed, but they're very pleased with themselves.

**We could all have been killed—or worse, expelled.**

Michael: Since when was expelled worse than dead?

Hermione: I was still getting over the excitement of realising I was a witch.**  
Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."**

**Ron stared after her, his mouth open.**

"**No, we don't mind," he said. "You'd think we dragged her along, wouldn't you?"**

Hermione: Well, I wasn't about to let you go out and risk you necks. Without me you would've been caught by Filch and the whole year would have been completely different.

**But Hermione had given Harry something else to think about as he climbed back into bed. The dog was guarding something… **

Ron: Oooh. Mysterious.

**What had Hagrid said? **

George: He said a lot. Which part do you mean?

**Gringotts was the safest place in the world for something you wanted to hide—except perhaps Hogwarts.**

Minerva: So right.

**It looked as though Harry had found out where the grubby little package from vault seven hundred and thirteen was.**

George: Dun, dun, dun…

Michael: Is that it? My turn to read then, if that's alright with everybody else, that is.

As everybody agreed to Michael reading the next chapter, there were many hardly suppressed yawns from various members of the group.

"What time is it?" asked Neville sleepily.

A small alarm clock appeared on the table. The face showed them that it was nearly half past eleven at night. Everybody agreed that it was probably best to retire for the night and three double beds (for Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Michael and Minerva) and four single beds (for Neville, Luna, George and Horace) all in their own little rooms.

And so ended a very peculiar day.

_A/N: How is this going? I hope you liked it! _


	10. Hallowe'en

_Just a quick change, thanks to _Lifeisweirdbutawesome _for pointing out that I missed the last sentence off. So I've added it on. On with the show._

_A/N: Wakey, wakey, rise and shine people!_

Harry awoke next to his wife the next morning after having the most peculiar dream. He had been stuck in the Room of Requirement with two sex-crazed adults (one of which happened to be the Headmistress of possibly the best wizarding school in the world), a nutty prankster, a dreamer, a happy Herbologist, his two best friends, his wife and a man who looked vaguely like a walrus.

As he looked around, everything came flooding back to him. Yesterday had not been a dream at all, had it? They _were_ in a small room within the Room of Requirement. Oh no, he wondered what awaited him outside the door.

When they all finally got up, Harry discovered many things about the other occupants of the Room. Who would've guessed that:

-Both Ginny and Hermione _had_ to have orange juice with their breakfast.

-The only thing Horace would have for breakfast was wholemeal toast with blackberry jam.

-Minerva had a daily yoga routine, which Hermione and Ginny joined in with. It would seem that Hermione was not as flexible as she might have hoped.

-Michael _always _had a banana for breakfast.

-Luna and Neville both ate Muesli for breakfast.

-Ron would not eat anything until he had had at least one cup of tea and a shower.

-George insisted on waking up by shouting 'WAKEY, WAKEY, RISE AND SHINE' at the top of his voice.

After many moments and many more sly comments from Horace about _'unsavoury noises'_ that he supposedly heard from the room next to his (Minerva and Michael's), little did he know that there had been Silencing Charms on each of the rooms so that nobody would have to endure Horace's snoring, everybody settled down in preparation for the tenth chapter of the Philosopher's Stone.

**Chapter 10 Halloween**

Michael: I hate Halloween.

Luna: Why?

Michael: I don't know, it just seemed a bit… pointless.

Minerva: Hang on, Halloween, why is that sticking out in my mind right now?

(Harry, Ron and Hermione look at each other).

George: No idea, but it must be very painful for your mind.

Neville: You're starting to sound like Luna.

(Luna, fortunately, did not seem to hear Neville's comment as she was to busy staring dreamily off into space).

**Malfoy couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that Harry and Ron were still at Hogwarts the next day, **

Neville: That's what he gets for being a git.

**looking tired but perfectly cheerful. **

Harry: We had good reason to be cheerful.

**Indeed, by the next morning Harry and Ron thought that meeting the three-headed dog had been an excellent adventure, **

Hermione: Yeah, of course it was. Don't worry that you almost got killed, just be happy.

**"It's either really valuable **

Michael: Check!

**or really dangerous," **

Michael: Check again!

**said Ron.**

"**Or both," said Harry.**

**But as all they knew for sure about the mysterious object was that it was about two inches long, **

Neville: That narrows it down.

George: At least we know it's not Hagrid.

Ginny: Or another dangerous animal.

**they didn't have much chance of guessing what it was without further clues.**

Hermione: Oh, well done.

**Hermione was now refusing to speak to Harry and Ron, but she was such a bossy know-it-all that they saw this as an added bonus. **

(Hermione raises her eyebrows and looks at Harry and Ron).

Harry and Ron: WE DIDN'T WRITE IT!!

Hermione: That's just a technicality. I will get you back when you least expect it, so you both better sleep with one eye open.

Luna: I hate to burst your bubble, but I don't think that's possible.

Neville: It's an expression, Luna.

**All they really wanted now was a way of getting back at Malfoy, **

Neville: Who doesn't?

**and to their great delight, just such a thing arrived in the mail about a week later.**

George: Drum roll please!

**As the owls flooded into the Great Hall as usual, everyone's attention was caught at once by a long, thin package carried by six large screech owls. **

Ginny: Six owls?

**Harry was just as interested as everyone else to see what was in this large parcel, and was amazed when the owls soared down and dropped it right in front of him,**

Ron: Oh, I know what it is now.

**knocking his bacon to the floor. **

Ron: Noooo, poor bacon!

(All look at Ron, concern written over their faces).

**They had hardly fluttered out of the way when another owl dropped a letter on top of the parcel. **

**Harry ripped open the letter first, which was lucky, because it said: **

_**DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE.**_

Luna: Oh, that was lucky.

_**It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, **_

Harry and Ron: YAY!!

_**but I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick or they'll all want one.**_

Horace: Very nice.

_**Oliver Wood will meet you tonight on the Quidditch field at seven o'clock for your first training session. **_

_**Professor M. McGonagall. **_

Harry: Thank you so much, Professor.

Minerva: Oh, it's the least I could do. Lily and James would have done the same, well, James might have.

**Harry had difficulty hiding his glee as he handed the note to Ron to read.**

**"A Nimbus Two Thousand!" Ron moaned enviously. **

Ginny: Touch of the green-eyed monster, hey?

Horace: Don't be stupid, Minerva was sat at the high table.

Michael: You had better watch it, Horace because you're starting to get on my last nerve.

**"I've never even **_**touched **_**one."**

Luna: Surely you would prefer to ride it, rather than just touch it.

(Ron sighs deeply).

**They left the hall quickly, wanting to unwrap the broomstick in private before their first class, **

Horace: Why do I get the feeling that that isn't going to be as simple as it sounds?

Hermione: Because nothing ever is. Not in our lives, anyway.

**but halfway across the entrance hall they found the way upstairs barred by Crabbe and Goyle. **

Neville: Typical.

**Malfoy seized the package from Harry and felt it.  
"That's a broomstick," **

George: No it's not, it's a giant carrot.

**he said, throwing it back to Harry **

George: Who-

Ginny: STOP. NOW.

**with a mixture of jealousy and spite on his face. **

**Ron couldn't resist it. **

Hermione: As per usual.

**"It's not any old broomstick," he said, "it's a Nimbus Two Thousand. **

George: Why are you gloating? It's not your broom.

**What did you say you've got at home, Malfoy, a Comet Two Sixty?" Ron grinned at Harry. "Comets look flashy, but they're not in the same league as the Nimbus."**

Ron: And they still aren't.

"**What would you know about it, Weasley, you couldn't afford half the handle,"**

Weasleys: GIT!

**Malfoy snapped back. "I suppose you and your brothers have to save up twig by twig." **

George: You know what, when I get my hands on Malfoy, I swear-

Ginny: Calm down, George.

**Before Ron could answer, Professor Flitwick appeared at Malfoy's elbow.**

Horace: Huh, I thought he was shorter than that.

Hermione: Actually, Draco was a surprisingly short eleven-year-old.

"**Not arguing, I hope, boys?" he squeaked.  
**Ginny: Did he really need to ask?

"**Potter's been sent a broomstick, Professor," **

Minerva: By a fellow Professor, therefore it is fine.

**said Malfoy quickly.**

"**Yes, yes, that's right," said Professor Flitwick, beaming at Harry. "Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter. **

Horace: Bet you told everyone, didn't you?

Minerva: Well, they needed to know. If I didn't, I get the feeling that Severus would have had a heart attack when he saw Harry walk out onto the pitch.

George: If only.

**And what model is it?" **

"**A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir," said Harry, fighting not to laugh at the look of horror on Malfoy's face. **

George: Where is Colin Creevey when you need him?

"**And it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it," he added. **

**Harry and Ron headed upstairs, smothering their laughter at Malfoy's obvious rage and confusion. **

Ron: One of the best days of my childhood.

"**Well, it's true," Harry chortled as they reached the top of the marble staircase, "If he hadn't stolen Neville's Remembrall I wouldn't be on the team…" **

Horace: But he also wouldn't have been on the team if his Head of House wasn't going soft!

Minerva: At least I'm not a lonely old walrus with nothing better to do than insult people and their decisions.

George: You go girl!

Minerva: What?

George: N-nothing.

"**So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?" came an angry voice from just behind them. **

Ron: Three guesses who it was.

**Hermione was stomping up the stairs, looking disapprovingly at the package in Harry's hand. **

Hermione: I can't believe I got that angry about it.

"**I thought you weren't speaking to us?" said Harry. **

"**Yes, don't stop now," said Ron, "it's doing us so much good."**

(Harry looks at Ron).

Ron: SORRY!

**Hermione marched away with her nose in the air.**

Michael: That'll make them like you more.

**Harry had a lot of trouble keeping his mind on his lessons that day.**

Horace: Unsurprisingly.

**It kept wandering up to the dormitory where his new broomstick was lying under his bed, **

George: Along with many old issues of PlayWizard magazine.

Harry: George! How did you know about that?

Ginny: Please tell me you're joking.

Harry: Of course we are…

**or straying off to the Quidditch field where he'd be learning to play that night. He bolted his dinner that evening without noticing what he was eating, **

Neville: More like Ms. Rowling couldn't be asked to write about it.

**and then rushed upstairs with Ron to unwrap the Nimbus Two Thousand at last.  
"Wow," Ron sighed, as the broomstick rolled onto Harry's bedspread.  
Even Harry, who knew nothing about the different brooms, thought it looked wonderful. **

Michael: Oh, it was better than wonderful.

**Sleek and shiny, with a mahogany handle it had a long tail of neat, straight twigs and Nimbus Two Thousand written in gold near the top.**

Harry: Are they still making those?

Minerva: As far as I know. I shall have to ask my brother, Apollo; he makes broomsticks.

Ron: Really? Awesome!

**As seven o'clock drew nearer, Harry left the castle and set off in the dusk toward the Quidditch field. He'd never been inside the stadium before. **

Luna: It always had a very homely feel to it.

**Hundreds of seats were raised in stands around the field so that the spectators were high enough to see what was going on. At either end of the field were three golden poles with hoops on the end. **

Horace: They always reminded me of fishing nets, without the net bit.

**They reminded Harry of the little plastic sticks Muggle children blew bubbles through, except that they were fifty feet high.**

Hermione: Quite a substantial difference, if you ask me.

George: We didn't, though.

**Too eager to fly again to wait for Wood, Harry mounted his broomstick and kicked off from the ground. What a feeling**

Harry: There's nothing quite like flying.

George: Best feeling in the world.

**-he swooped in and out of the goal posts and then sped up and down the field. The Nimbus Two Thousand turned wherever he wanted at his slightest touch.**

Harry: Great broom.

Ginny: I think we got it the first time.

**"Hey, Potter, come down!"**

**"Very nice," said Wood, his eyes glinting. "I see what McGonagall meant... you really are a natural. **

Minerva: I don't lie… unless I have to.

**I'm just going to teach you the rules this evening, then you'll be joining team practice three times a week."**

Michael: That's nothing, compared to what me and Min used to have to do for training. Our first captain, something Lynch, I think his name was, he used to make us train every day except the occasional Sunday. Even when we couldn't train on the pitch, he'd make us go somewhere else to practice technique or something.

Harry: You played Quidditch too?

Michael: Yeah, I was a Beater.

**He opened the crate. Inside were four different-sized balls.**

Ginny: How does that work? There's the Quaffle, the Snitch and two Bludgers, but both Bludgers are the same size.

**"Right," said Wood. "Now, Quidditch is easy enough to understand, even if it's not too easy to play. **

Michael: Nonsense. You just have to concentrate on what you're doing.

**There are seven players on each side. Three of them are called Chasers."**

**"Three Chasers," **

Luna: I always liked the word 'Chaser'.

**Harry repeated, as Wood took out a bright red ball about the size of a football.**

**"This ball's called the Quaffle," said Wood. "The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other and try and get it through one of the hoops to score a goal. **

Horace: Simple enough.

**Ten points every time the Quaffle goes through one of the hoops. Follow me?"**

Luna: I should think so.

**"Three Chasers throw the Quaffle and put it through the hoops to score," Harry recited. "So-that's sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, isn't it?"**

Luna: What's basketball?

Neville: Muggle sport. It's very popular in America.

**"What's basketball?" said Wood curiously.**

**"Never mind," said Harry quickly.**

**"Now, there's another player on each side who's called the Keeper**

Michael: Our Keeper was thick as two short planks.

**-I'm Keeper for Gryffindor. I have to fly around our hoops and stop the other team from scoring."**

Harry: They have Keepers in a lot of Muggle sports, too.

**"Three Chasers, one Keeper," said Harry who was determined to remember it all.**

Ginny: It's really not that hard to remember once you've got it.

**"And they play with the Quaffle. Okay, got that. So what are they for?" He pointed at the three balls left inside the box.**

"**I'll show you now," said Wood. "Take this."**

**He handed Harry a small club, a bit like a short rounders bat.**

Luna: Rounders?

Hermione: Another Muggle sport. I used to play it at my primary school.

"**I'm going to show you what the Bludgers do," **

George: Dun, dun, dun!

**Wood said. "These two are the Bludgers."**

Neville: Uh oh.

**He showed Harry two identical balls, **

Ginny: So why did she say that all four balls were different sizes?

**jet black and slightly smaller than the red Quaffle. Harry noticed that they seemed to be straining to escape the straps holding them inside the box.**

Horace: Little buggers.**  
At once, the black ball rose high in the air and then pelted straight at Harry's face. Harry swung at it with the bat to stop it from breaking his nose, and sent it zigzagging away into the air**

Neville: That was lucky.

—**it zoomed around their heads and then shot at Wood, who dived on top of it and managed to pin it to the ground.**

Michael: I used to hate having to get the Bludgers back after training.

**"See?" Wood panted, forcing the struggling Bludger back into the crate and strapping it down safely. **

Minerva: Not that safely. Do you remember the time when one of them escaped?

Michael: That was a nightmare. Did they fix that window eventually?

Minerva: Yes, Albus did. Besides if they hadn't, I think I would have noticed.

**"The Bludgers rocket around, trying to knock players off their brooms. That's why you have two Beaters on each team—the Weasley twins are ours**

All: YAY!

—**it's their job to protect their side from the Bludgers and **

George: Fight for them 'til the death!

**try and knock them toward the other team. **

George: Yeah, that too.

**So—think you've got all that?"  
"Three Chasers try and score with the Quaffle; the Keeper guards the goal posts; the Beaters keep the Bludgers away from their team," Harry reeled off.**

Michael: You got that pretty quickly. It took me about an hour to fully understand it.

Hermione: I still don't fully understand it.

Ron: Hallelujah, something she doesn't know.

**"Very good," said Wood.**

**"Er-have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?" Harry asked, hoping he sounded offhand.**

Ginny: You failed, I would guess.

Harry: Yep.

**"Never at Hogwarts. We've had a couple of broken jaws but nothing worse than that. **

Minerva: Oh, believe me, it was much more than a couple.

**Now, the last member of the team is the Seeker. That's you. And you don't have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers—"**

**"—unless they crack my head open."**

(All laugh).

Ginny: Optimistic as ever, I see.

**"Don't worry, the Weasleys are more than a match for the Bludgers**

George: You'd better believe it.

—**I mean, they're like a pair of human Bludgers themselves."**

(All laugh).

Ginny: Too true.

**Wood reached into the crate and took out the fourth and last ball. Compared with the Quaffle and the Bludgers, it was tiny, about the size of a large walnut. It was bright gold and had little fluttering silver wings.**

Harry: Say hello to the Golden Snitch!

**"**_**This**_**," said Wood, "is the Golden Snitch, and it's the most important ball of the lot. It's very hard to catch because it's so fast and difficult to see. **

Harry: You're not kidding.

**It's the Seeker's job to catch it. You've got to weave in and out of the Chasers, Beaters, Bludgers, and Quaffle to get it before the other team's Seeker, **

Neville (sarcastically): Easy job, then?

**because whichever Seeker catches the Snitch wins his team an extra hundred and fifty points, so they nearly always win. **

Luna: Not always.

Hermione: That's why he said 'nearly always'.

Luna: Oh.

**That's why Seekers get fouled so much. **

Ron: The cheats.

Harry: Excuse me?

**A game of Quidditch only ends when the Snitch is caught, **

Horace: I think that is the fundamental flaw of Quidditch.

Michael: How very dare you?

**so it can go on for ages—I think the record is three months, they had to keep bringing on substitutes so the players could get some sleep.**

Michael: I actually had a ticket to that game, but _somebody_ decided that they were going to give birth, instead.

Minerva: I never decided anything. Besides, I think the birth of our first child is a little more important than the world's longest Quidditch game.

Horace: Something more important than Quidditch? Never!

Hermione: Do shut up.

**"Well, that's it—any questions?"**

**Harry shook his head. He understood what he had to do all right, it was doing it that was going to be the problem.**

Ginny: It always is.

**"We won't practice with the Snitch yet," said Wood, carefully shutting it back inside the crate, "it's too dark, we might lose it. **

Minerva: It's happened before.

Neville: Really?

Minerva: Yes, my first year of teaching, the seeker practiced a bit too late and the snitch went over the lake. The Giant Squid must have enjoyed the taste of gold.

**Let's try you out with a few of these."**

**He pulled a bag of ordinary golf balls**

Michael: Urgh, I hate golf.

Hermione: Join the club. No pun intended.

**out of his pocket and a few minutes later, he and Harry were up in the air, Wood throwing the golf balls as hard as he could in every direction for Harry to catch.**

**Harry didn't miss a single one, **

George: Awesome.

**and Wood was delighted. After half an hour, night had really fallen and they couldn't carry on.**

George: Bet he was gutted.

**"That Quidditch cup'll have our name on it this year," said Wood happily as they trudged back up to the castle. "I wouldn't be surprised if you turn out better than Charlie Weasley, **

Ron: You know, I would say you might have been.

Harry: Cheers, mate.

**and he could have played for England if he hadn't gone off chasing dragons."**

Minerva: Yes, but a Quidditch career can never last a lifetime.

**Perhaps it was because he was now so busy, what with Quidditch practice three evenings a week on top of all his homework, **

Neville: That was nothing compared to our fifth year.

**but Harry could hardly believe it when he realized that he'd already been at Hogwarts two months. The castle felt more like home than Privet Drive ever had.**

All: Here, here.

**His lessons, too, were becoming more and more interesting now that they had mastered the basics.**

Horace: You can't get anywhere without the basics.

**On Halloween morning they woke to the delicious smell of baking pumpkin wafting through the corridors. **

Luna: Yum.

**Even better, Professor Flitwick announced in Charms that he thought they were ready to start making objects fly, something they had all been dying to try since they'd seen him make Neville's toad zoom around the classroom.**

Neville: Maybe he should have made it hit the window.

Luna: NEVILLE!

**Professor Flitwick put the class into pairs to practice. Harry's partner was Seamus Finnigan (which was a relief, because Neville had been trying to catch his eye). **

Harry: I NEVER SAID THAT!

Neville: It's okay, Harry, I don't blame you. I was rubbish.

Minerva: No you weren't, you were just lacking the confidence, that's all.

**Ron, however, was to be working with Hermione Granger. It was hard to tell whether Ron or Hermione was angrier about this.**

Horace: Ah, young love.

**She hadn't spoken to either of them since the day Harry's broomstick had arrived.**

Ginny: That long? Wow, you do have a lot of will-power.

**"Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!" squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual. "Swish and flick, remember, swish and flick. **

Michael: Not that any of you would have been listening because you were probably too eager to get things flying.

**And saying the magic words properly is very important, too—never forget Wizard Baruffio, **

Ginny: Oh, I remember this story.

**who said 's' instead of 'f' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest."**

(Luna winces).

Horace: That sounds painful.

Minerva: Well, it's better than having a walrus on your chest. (She looks as if she just got a very strong brainwave) Hey, Horace, maybe that's why you're not getting any!

**It was very difficult. Harry and Seamus swished and flicked, but the feather they were supposed to be sending skyward just lay on the desktop. **

Ron: Surprise, surprise.

**Seamus got so impatient that he prodded it with his wand and set fire to it**

Michael: That was clever.

—**Harry had to put it out with his hat.**

Luna: I never really liked those hats.

**Ron, at the next table, wasn't having much more luck.**

Harry: Surprise, surprise.

**"You're saying it wrong," Harry heard Hermione snap. "it's Wing-**_**gar**_**-dium Levi-**_**o**_**-sa, make the 'gar' nice and long."**

**"You do it, then, if you're so clever," Ron snarled.**

Ginny: Wrong thing to say, Ron, because she's going to prove that she is right!

**Hermione rolled up the sleeves of her gown, flicked her wand, and said "**_**Wingardium Leviosa**_**!" Their feather rose off the desk and hovered about four feet above their heads.**

Minerva: Well done, Hermione.  
**"Oh, well done!" cried Professor Flitwick, clapping. "Everyone see here, Miss Granger's done it!"**

Neville: As usual.

**Ron was in a very bad mood by the end of class.**

**"It's no wonder no one can stand her," **

(Hermione just looks annoyed).

**he said to Harry as they pushed their way into the crowded corridor, "she's a nightmare, honestly."**

Ginny: Ron! How cold you?

Ron: This was before we were friends.

**Someone knocked into Harry as they hurried past him. It was Hermione. **

George: Smooth, Ron, _very_ smooth.

**Harry caught a glimpse of her face-and was startled to see that she was in tears.**

**"I think she heard you."**

Ginny: Ron you idiotic git.

Ron: Alright, rub it in, why don't you?

**"So?" said Ron, but he looked a bit uncomfortable. "She must've noticed she's got no friends."**

Minerva: Ronald Weasley whatever would your mother say?

Ron: Don't bring her in on this, I would like to live to see my next birthday, thank you very much. Plus, this was years ago, Hermione forgave me enough to marry me, why can't you lot?

Ginny: It's too fun rubbing salt in the wounds.

**Hermione didn't turn up for the next class **

George: Skiving, were we?

**and wasn't seen all afternoon. **

Luna: Where did you go?

Hermione: I have a feeling that you'll see soon enough.

**On their way down to the Great Hall for the Halloween feast, Harry and Ron overheard Parvati Patil telling her friend Lavender **

Ron: She honestly gets on my nerves.

**that Hermione was crying in the girls' bathroom and wanted to be left alone.**

Ginny: Aww…

Hermione: I was only eleven.

Neville: You're not using that excuse as well, are you?

**Ron looked still more awkward at this, but a moment later they had entered the Great Hall, where the Halloween decorations put Hermione out of their minds.**

Hermione: Charming.

Harry: They were really nice, you would have been distracted by them too.

**A thousand live bats**

Neville: I can't stand bats.

**fluttered from the walls and ceiling while a thousand more swooped over the tables in low black clouds, making the candles in the pumpkins stutter. **

Luna: Stutter?

**The feast appeared suddenly on the golden plates, as it had at the start-of-term banquet.**

Neville: Well, they didn't invent a whole new method of feeding thousands of people in less than two months, did they?

**Harry was just helping himself to a baked potato when Professor Quirrell came sprinting into the hall, his turban askew and terror on his face.**

George: Like normal, then?

**Everyone stared as he reached Professor Dumbledore's chair, slumped against the table, and gasped, "Troll-in the dungeons**

Minerva: Oh, now I remember…

**-thought you ought to know."**  
**He then sank to the floor in a dead faint.**

George and Minerva: Wimp!

**There was an uproar. **

Luna: Was that really such a surprise?

**It took several purple firecrackers exploding from the end of Professor Dumbledore's wand to bring silence. **

Horace: He would choose purple, wouldn't he?

**"Prefects," he rumbled, "lead your Houses back to the dormitories immediately!"**

**Percy was in his element.**

Ginny: Pompous fool!

"**Follow me! Stick together, first years! No need to fear the troll if you follow my orders! **

Neville: What? How did he figure that out?

**Stay close behind me, now. Make way, first years coming through! Excuse me, I'm a prefect!"**

Weasleys: WE KNOW!

**"How could a troll get in?" Harry asked as they climbed the stairs.**

**"Don't ask me, they're supposed to be really stupid," said Ron. "Maybe Peeves let it in for a Halloween joke."**

Hermione: A troll? For a joke?

**They passed different groups of people hurrying in different directions. As they jostled their way through a crowd of confused Hufflepuffs, **

Horace: When were they not confused?

**Harry suddenly grabbed Ron's arm.**

**"I've just thought—Hermione."**

"**What about her?"**

George: She's five feet tall and has thick brown hair.

"**She doesn't know about the troll."**

**Ron bit his lip.**

"**Oh, all right," he snapped. "But Percy'd better not see us."**

Neville: He wouldn't be able to stop you, anyway.

**Ducking down, they joined the Hufflepuffs going the other way, slipped down a deserted side corridor, **

Ginny: Makes a change; normally you'd be lucky to find a deserted anything.

**and hurried off toward the girls' bathroom. **

George: Dirty boys!

**They had just turned the corner when they heard quick footsteps behind them.**

**"Percy!" hissed Ron, pulling Harry behind a large stone griffin.**

Hermione: That was very conveniently placed.

**Peering around it, however, they saw not Percy but Snape. **

George: Hey, I didn't even need to make that bit up.

**He crossed the corridor and disappeared from view.**

**"What's he doing?" Harry whispered. "Why isn't he down in the dungeons with the rest of the teachers?"**

"**Search me."**

Luna: No thank you.

Ron: What?

Luna: I'd rather not search you.

Harry: Right…

**Quietly as possible, they crept along the next corridor after Snape's fading footsteps.**

**"He's heading for the third floor," **

Minerva: He just makes himself look suspicious, doesn't he?

**Harry said, but Ron held up his hand.**

**"Can you smell something?"**

George: Yeah, your cheesy feet.

**Harry sniffed and a foul stench reached his nostrils, a mixture of old socks and the kind of public toilet no one seemed to clean. **

Neville: Very nice.

**And then they heard it—a low grunting, and the shuffling footfalls of gigantic feet.**

(George starts humming the tune to Jaws).

**Ron pointed-at the end of a passage to the left, something huge was moving toward them. They shrank into the shadows and watched as it emerged into a patch of moonlight.**

George: What was Hagrid doing there?

Harry: (sharp intake of breath). I would watch it if I were you, George.

**It was a horrible sight. **

Ginny: Trolls aren't generally known for their beauty.

Ron: I wonder what a veela troll would look like?

Hermione: Why would you wonder that?

Ron: Oh, just a thought.

**Twelve feet tall, its skin was a dull, granite grey, its great lumpy body like a boulder with its small bald head perched on top like a coconut. It had short legs thick as tree trunks **

Luna: The effect of that sentence really depends on what type of tree that you're talking about.

**with flat, horny feet. **

Michael (to Minerva): That's not the only thing that's horny.

(Michael starts to nibble her ear. Minerva smiles and blushes).

Horace: URGH! Take it to the bedroom, will you?

Michael and Minerva: Okay.

Hermione: Sit. Down.

**The smell coming from it was incredible. It was holding a huge wooden club, which dragged along the floor because its arms were so long.**

Neville: I didn't know Crabbe had a younger brother!

(All laugh).

**The troll stopped next to a doorway and peered inside. It waggled its long ears, making up its tiny mind, **

Harry: Now I know where I recognised that troll. It must have been Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia's eldest son, the one they disowned.

(They all laugh again).

**then slouched slowly into the room.**

"**The keys in the lock," Harry muttered. "We could lock it in."**

Hermione: Like it wouldn't get out when it's holding a bloody great club.

Ron: This is a troll we're talking about.

Hermione: Oh, yeah.

"**Good idea," said Ron nervously.**

**They edged toward the open door, mouths dry, praying the troll wasn't about to come out of it. With one great leap, Harry managed to grab the key, slam the door and lock it.**

Luna: That was fortunate.

**Flushed with their victory, they started to run back up the passage, but as they reached the corner they heard something that made their hearts stop**

Neville: Their hearts didn't really stop, Luna.

Luna: Don't be ridiculous, they would be dead.

**- a high, petrified scream – and it was coming from the chamber they'd just locked up.**

Horace: Oh no.

**"Oh, no," said Ron, pale as the Bloody Baron.**

Ginny: That's quite a feat, Ron.

**"It's the girls' bathroom!" Harry gasped.**

"**Hermione!" they said together.**

Hermione: At least you recognised me.

**It was the last thing they wanted to do, **

Hermione: The last thing you wanted to do? You didn't want to save me?

Harry: Of course we did, we just didn't want to let the troll back out.

**but what choice did they have? **

**Wheeling around, they sprinted back to the door and turned the key, fumbling in their panic - Harry pulled the door open - they ran inside.**

Harry and Ron: Ron and Harry to the rescue… AGAIN!

**Hermione Granger was shrinking against the wall opposite, looking as if she was about to faint. **

Hermione: Oh, come on, I'm not Quirrell!

**The troll was advancing on her, knocking the sinks off the walls as it went. **

"**Confuse it!" **

Horace: That should be easy.

**Harry said desperately to Ron, and, seizing a tap, he threw it as hard as he could against the wall.**

Michael: That's the best you could do?

Ron: We were first-years.

**The troll stopped a few feet from Hermione. **

Luna: Phew.

**It lumbered around, blinking stupidly, to see what had made the noise. Its mean little eyes saw Harry. **

Luna: Oh no, you are in for it.

**It hesitated, **

George: For an hour.

**then made for him instead, lifting its club as it went.**

Neville: Well, that's one way to distract it.

**"Oy, pea-brain!" yelled Ron from the other side of the chamber, and he threw a metal pipe at it. **

Michael: Nice.

**The troll didn't even seem to notice the pipe hitting its shoulder, **

George: You wouldn't, though, would you?

Ginny: Please tell me you are joking.

**but it heard the yell and paused again, **

Luna: It heard the shout but didn't feel the pipe. Fascinating creature.

**turning its ugly snout toward Ron instead, giving Harry time to run around it.**

Michael: Nice.

"**Come on, run, run!" Harry yelled at Hermione, trying to pull her toward the door, but she couldn't move, **

Luna: Technically, she could.

Hermione: No, I was too frightened.

Horace: I thought Gryffindors didn't get frightened?

Minerva: Horace, nobody is immune to fear. The thing that sets people apart is the way they deal with their fears.

**she was still flat against the wall, her mouth open with terror.**

George: Catching flies, Hermione?

**The shouting and the echoes seemed to be driving the troll berserk. It roared again and started toward Ron, who was nearest and had no way to escape.**

Neville: I can't listen!

**Harry then did something that was both very brave and very stupid:**

Ginny: Normal stuff, then.

**He took a great running jump and managed to fasten his arms around the troll's neck from behind. **

Michael: Ms Rowling was right, it was _incredibly_ stupid.

**The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, **

Horace: Surprise, surprise.

**but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, **

Minerva: Oh no, you didn't?

Harry: I did.

**and Harry's wand had still been in his hand when he'd jumped—it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.**

(Weasleys burst out laughing, Minerva looks very pale, Hermione is trying to conceal her growing grin, Neville looks like he just heard Snape sing about rainbows and lollipops, Luna is staring at nothing again and Horace and Michael both look rather disgusted).

**Howling with pain, the troll twisted and flailed its club, with Harry clinging on for dear life; **

Ginny: Oh no.

**any second, the troll was going to rip him off or catch him a terrible blow with the club.**

Ginny: You really were very pessimistic.**  
Hermione had sunk to the floor in fright; **

Horace: There's the Gryffindor spirit.

Hermione: You would be a lot worse if it were you.

**Ron pulled out his own wand—not knowing what he was going to do he heard himself cry the first spell that came into his head: **

George: Watch your heads, this could get ugly.

**"**_**Wingardium Leviosa**_**!"**

Michael: Well, that's not as bad as it could have been.

**The club flew suddenly out of the troll's hand, rose high, high up into the air, turned slowly over—and dropped, with a sickening crack, onto it's owner's head. **

All: GO RON!!

**The troll swayed on the spot and then fell flat on its face, **

(Minerva and Luna wince).

**with a thud that made the whole room tremble.**

George: EARTHQUAKE!!**  
Harry got to his feet. He was shaking and out of breath. Ron was standing there with his wand still raised, staring at what he had done.**

George: For he had just murdered Professor Quirrell.

"**Is it — dead?"**

Michael: You think you, three first-years, could kill a fully grown mountain troll?

Harry: Stranger things have happened.

Minerva: Yeah, like Horace getting laid. That has happened, right?

Horace: That is none of your business.

Minerva: (gasp) Oh Sweet Merlin! You're not a virgin, are you?

Horace: Of course not! Don't be daft…

**"I don't think so," said Harry, "I think it's just been knocked out."**

**He bent down and pulled his wand out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like a lumpy grey glue.**

Neville: I don't like the sound of this.

**"Urgh—troll bogeys."**

All: URGH!

**He wiped it on the troll's trousers.**

Hermione: HARRY!

Harry: Where else could I clean it off?

Ginny: You were in a bathroom; surely there wasn't a shortage of toilet paper?

Harry: No comment.

Ginny: I thought as much.

**A sudden slamming and loud footsteps made the three of them look up. They hadn't realized what a racket they had been making, **

Luna: How could you fail to notice the sound of a mountain troll hitting a hard stone floor?

Ron: We were a little preoccupied, in case you didn't notice.

**but of course, someone downstairs must have heard the crashes and the troll's roars.**

Neville: Who wouldn't have?

**A moment later, Professor McGonagall had come bursting into the room, closely followed by Snape, with Quirrell bringing up the rear. **

George: Must… not… comment. Must … not comment!

**Quirrell took one look at the troll, let out a faint whimper, and sat quickly down on a toilet, clutching his heart.**

(Neville, George, Ginny and Ron all shake their heads).

**Snape bent over the troll. Professor McGonagall was looking at Ron and Harry. Harry had never seen her look so angry. Her lips were white. **

Michael: Even I've never seen her _that_ angry!

**Hopes of winning fifty points for Gryffindor faded quickly from Harry's mind.**

Hermione: You didn't honestly think that, did you?

Harry: Well…

"**What on earth were you thinking of?" said Professor McGonagall, with cold fury in her voice. **

Michael: Uh oh, you're in trouble.

(Minerva bats him playfully on the arm).

**Harry looked at Ron, who was still standing with his wand in the air. "You're lucky you weren't killed. **

Horace: State the obvious, why don't you?

Michael: Horace, one more insulting word, directed at my wife, from your mouth and I swear you will not know what hit you.

**Why aren't you in your dormitory?"**

**Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. **

George: Aww, are you feeling guilty now?

**He wished Ron would put his wand down.**

Ron: You could have just said something.

**Then a small voice came out of the shadows.**

**"Please, Professor McGonagall—they were looking for me."**

George: Said a little elf in the corner. However, when the elf stepped out of the shadows, he was revealed to be none other than… Filius Flitwick!

**"Miss Granger!"**

**Hermione had managed to get to her feet at last.**

**"I went looking for the troll because I—I thought I could deal with it on my own-you know, because I've read all about them."**

Ron: Had you really?

Hermione: Only a little bit from _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_.

**Ron dropped his wand. **

Ginny: Surprised much?

**Hermione Granger, telling a downright lie to a teacher?**

Neville: Yep. I wouldn't have believed it either.

"**If they hadn't found me, I'd be dead now. **

Harry: Harry and Ron to the RESCUE!!

Ginny: Overkill, Harry, overkill.

**Harry stuck his wand up its nose **

Neville: That really is disgusting.

**and Ron knocked it out with its own club. **

Michael: Well done for that, by the way.

**They didn't have time to come and fetch anyone. It was about to finish me off when they arrived."**

George: Liar, liar, pants on fire.

**Harry and Ron tried to look as though this story wasn't new to them.**

Ron: I had a feeling that we didn't do that very well.

**"Well—in that case..." said Professor McGonagall, staring at the three of them, "Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own?"**

Harry: You didn't seriously believe that, did you?

Minerva: Of course not. I knew that Hermione wasn't that stupid. If I had believed it, the punishment would have been much worse.

**Hermione hung her head. Harry was speechless. **

Ginny: Didn't last too long, unfortunately.

**Hermione was the last person to do anything against the rules, and here she was, pretending she had, to get them out of trouble. **

Michael: That was a brave decision, Hermione.

(Hermione blushes furiously).

**It was as if Snape had started handing out sweets.**

(All laugh).

Harry: Now, that I wish I had written.

"**Miss Granger, five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this," **

Horace: Five, is that it? Have you lost your Gobstones?

Michael: You know what, that is it.

(Michael stands up in front of Horace and gives him a hard right-hook on the side of his face. Chaos ensues; Minerva attempts to restrain Michael, Hermione tries to fix Horace's jaw, Ron and Harry can't stop laughing and Ginny and George are betting on whether a full-scale fight will erupt. Neville is standing between the two men and Luna is just staring off into space as if nothing had ever happened

After several mad minutes, all is mostly resolved. Minerva and Michael are sitting on the opposite end of the table to Horace and Michael has apologized, somewhat begrudgingly, for his sudden outburst).

Ron: You know, that was actually pretty cool.

(Horace glares at him).

George: Yeah, defending you lady's honour and all that.

Minerva: I agree.

(Michael and Minerva start snogging… again).

Ron: URGH! Please, no more!

(Horace has turned a peculiar shade of green).

**said Professor McGonagall. "I'm very disappointed in you. If you're not hurt at all, you'd better get off to Gryffindor tower. **

Hermione: Thanks for not shouting and all that.

Minerva: I knew it wasn't you so why should I shout?

**Students are finishing the feast in their houses."**

George: That was way more fun.

**Hermione left.**

Harry: Brilliant writing, just brilliant!

**Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron.**

"**Well, I still say you were lucky, **

Ron: Hell, yeah!

**but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. **

Ginny: I would have given it a go.

**You each win Gryffindor five points. **

George: Is that it?

Minerva: Five was bad enough. They broke the rules, even though they did manage to knock the troll out.

**Professor Dumbledore will be informed of this. **

Horace: As always.

**You may go."**

**They hurried out of the chamber and didn't speak at all until they had climbed two floors up. It was a relief to be away from the smell of the troll, quite apart from anything else.**

**"We should have gotten more than ten points," Ron grumbled.**

Horace: You should have been severely punished.

(Michael glares at Horace, who shuts up immediately).

**"Five, you mean, once she's taken off Hermione's."**

"**She might not have needed saving if we hadn't locked the thing in with her," Harry reminded him.**

**They had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.**

**"Pig Snout," they said and entered.**

Luna: Strange password, isn't it?

(All look at Minerva).

Minerva: Don't look at me; I didn't come up with them.

**The common room was packed and noisy. **

George: Nothing unusual there.

Luna: I much prefer the Ravenclaw common room, it was usually quite quiet so that we could concentrate on whatever it was that we were doing. Except from after winning a Quidditch match, of course.

George: Not noisy very often, then?

**Everyone was eating the food that had been sent up. Hermione, however, stood alone by the door, waiting for them. There was a very embarrassed pause. **

Harry: Well, what do you say when you just conquered a troll?

Horace: I don't know, but I know I'd be celebrating.

Minerva: Or too shocked to do anything but stutter like Quirrell.

**Then, none of them looking at each other, they all said "Thanks," and hurried off to get plates.**

Michael: Aww, that's so sweet.

**But from that moment on, Hermione Grange became their friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.**

Ginny: Now _that_ is sweet.

George: I always kind of wondered when you lot really became friends. I mean, one minute you can't stand her, Ron, and then you're –

Ron: Cut it OUT!

George: What? OH! Oh yeah! Forget I said anything!

Hermione: I already knew he hated me. Anyway, can I read next?

_A/N: I think I love Michael more now. However, must… help… Horace… against… better… judgement… _

_Have a nice day! :)_


	11. Quidditch

_A/N: Okay, things got a little crazy last chapter but it's safe to say… they still are!_

_Hermione seems to have managed to fix Horace's jaw properly, which means that I didn't have too, YAY! Now everything is back to normal! Apart from the fact that George is very hyperactive. _

Hermione: I have a feeling that you're all going to like this chapter.

**Chapter 11 – Quidditch**

Harry, Ron, George, Ginny, Michael and Minerva: YAY!

Minerva: Finally, a chapter I can sink my teeth into.

Neville: Please don't, the book has done nothing to you.

**As they entered November, the weather turned very cold.**

Ginny: As it normally does in winter.

**The mountains around the school became icy grey and the lake like chilled steel. Every morning the ground was covered in frost. **

Horace: Scotland is a marvellous place.

Michael: I hope you're not making fun of my homeland.

Horace: Oh no, no, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it…

Neville: Stop it. You're just digging yourself a pit.

**Hagrid could be seen from the upstairs windows defrosting broomsticks on the Quidditch field, bundled up in a long moleskin overcoat,**

Luna: Real moleskin?

Ron: Nobody knows…

**rabbit fur gloves, **

Luna: Rabbit fur? That's awful.

**and enormous beaver skin boots.**

**On Saturday, Harry would be playing in his first match after weeks of training: Gryffindor versus Slytherin. **

Ron: The best type of match there is.

**If Gryffindor won, they would move up into second place in the house championship.**

Horace: Only second?

Hermione: I would stop it, if I were you. You may be pushing it too far today.

**Hardly anyone had seen Harry play because Wood had decided that, as their secret weapon, Harry should be kept, well, secret.**

Minerva: Yeah, like that is going to work in a school full of talking portraits-

George: -and it's full of nosy gits.

**But the news that he was playing Seeker had leaked out somehow, **

Michael: No surprise there.

**and Harry didn't know which was worse — people telling him he'd be brilliant **

Hermione: Which he was.

Harry: Aw, thanks 'Mione.

**or people telling him they'd be running around underneath him holding a mattress.**

Ron: Oh yeah, sorry about that.

**It was really lucky that Harry now had Hermione as a friend.**

Hermione: Really?

Harry: Of course.

**He didn't know how he'd have gotten through all his homework without her, **

Hermione: OH.

Ron: He never wrote that; J.K. Rowling's making him look bad!

**what with all the last-minute Quidditch practice Wood was making them do. **

George: Obsessed, he was.

**She had also lent him Quidditch Through the Ages, which turned out to be a very interesting read.**

Michael: I never liked it much, myself.

**Harry learned that there were seven hundred ways of committing a Quidditch foul**

George: Then how come when the Slytherins cheated, they were hardly ever punished for it?

Horace: Because we're sneaky about it.

**and that all of them had happened during a World Cup match in 1473; **

Ginny: That would have been one hell of a game.

**that Seekers were usually the smallest **

Minerva: Not always, I was taller than almost all of our team.

**and fastest players, and that most serious Quidditch accidents seemed to happen to them; **

George: Is that why you got injured so much?

Harry: Shut up.

Horace: They get injured so much because they're looking for a little glint of gold rather than keeping an eye on where the Bludgers are going.

Minerva: Seekers don't need to worry about Bludgers if they have decent Beaters on their team. Besides, the danger of it makes it all the more exciting. Why else would this lot get into trouble so much?

Neville: Actually, most of the time, we didn't have a choice.

Michael: There is always a choice. You went with the ones where you could have died… several times.

**that although people rarely died playing Quidditch, **

Luna: But it has happened. If the Bludger hits you at the wrong angle on your head, you're in serious trouble.

**referees had been known to vanish and turn up months later in the Sahara Desert.**

Minerva: Hey, Horace, feel like refereeing some time?

Horace: I don't think Rolanda would like that.

Ginny: I find it astonishing how one person can be that thick.

Horace: I agree, Minerva that was a very stupid thing to say.

(Everyone looks at Horace).

**Hermione had become a bit more relaxed about breaking rules since Harry and Ron had saved her from the mountain troll, **

George: See, sometimes breaking the rules saves your life. And yet you wouldn't let us test the Skiving Snackboxes on first-years.

Hermione: That's because Skiving Snackboxes don't save your life.

George: No but they save your ears from all the boring lesso… I just remembered who's sitting at this table. I'll shut up now.

**and she was much nicer for it.**

Hermione: That's good to know.

**The day before Harry's first Quidditch match the three of them were out in the freezing courtyard during break, **

Ginny: Why? Why outside when you could have gone to the Common Room and sat by the roaring fire, which would keep you nice and warm?

**and she had conjured them up a bright blue fire that could be carried around in a jam jar. **

Minerva: You did that at first year?

Hermione: I read it in an old Transfiguration book in the Library.

**They were standing with their backs to it, getting warm, when Snape crossed the yard. **

(George starts humming the funeral march).

**Harry noticed at once that Snape was limping. Harry, Ron, and Hermione moved closer together to block the fire from view; they were sure it wouldn't be allowed. **

Neville: It doesn't say anything about it in the school rules.

**Unfortunately, something about their guilty faces caught Snape's eye.**

George: At least it didn't catch his leg; that would have hurt.

Ginny: SHUT UP!

**He limped over. **

Luna: I think we were already told that he was limping.

**He hadn't seen the fire, but he seemed to be looking for a reason to tell them off anyway.**

Ginny: He seemed to do that a lot to you.

George: That's because he was KING of darkness!

Michael: Oh no, he's not the king of darkness-

Minerva: -he's the king of darkness's evil pet bunny rabbit.

Michael: Evil minion would have done, but I suppose evil pet bunny rabbit will do.

Minerva: Just trying to make it a little different.

Ron: Back to the story?

"**What's that you've got there, Potter?"**

**It was Quidditch Through the Ages. Harry showed him.**

George: But on closer inspection, Snape could see that it was not Quidditch Through the Ages at all, but was rather the November issue of PlayWizard magazine. Snape immediately confiscated it and went to 'dispose of it'. Harry supposed that this meant 'look at it later on'.

"**Library books are not to be taken outside the school," said Snape. **

Luna: Really?

"**Give it to me.**

Horace: Hey, Minerva, now it sounds like you.

Michael: How on earth would he know that?

(Minerva shakes her head at Michael and Ron can't seem to stifle his laughter).

**Five points from Gryffindor."**

Minerva: What? He made that up!

Neville: We know, we know.

Ginny: Why did you show him? Did you think he was going to turn into some Quidditch fanatic and start talking about the latest hit player on the scene?

Harry: Why would I think that?

Ginny: Oh, n-no reason.

"**He's just made that rule up," Harry muttered angrily as Snape limped away.**

Luna: Again with the limping? It must be important to the story.

"**Wonder what's wrong with his leg?"**

George: Ah, that would be my fault. I put minced meat in his socks when he wasn't looking and then set Fang on him.

Luna: Really?

George: Nah, but I wish I had.

"**Dunno, but I hope it's really hurting him," said Ron bitterly.**

Hermione: Very nice, Ron.

Ron: What? He was being a git!

**The Gryffindor common room was very noisy that evening.**

Michael: As usual.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat together next to a window. Hermione was checking Harry and Ron's Charms homework for them. She would never let them copy**

Ron: Don't see why not.

Hermione: Because it's cheating and it's corrupt.

**("How will you learn?"), **

Horace: Very true.

**but by asking her to read it through, they got the right answers anyway.**

Horace: How very Slytherin of you.

Ron: How dare you insult me like that?

**Harry felt restless. He wanted Quidditch Through the Ages back, to take his mind off his nerves about tomorrow. **

Ginny: You'll need a lot more than that, Harry.

**Why should he be afraid of Snape?**

George: As Harry was pondering this, the very subject of his thoughts materialised in front of him. Severus Snape would have looked like any other greasy-haired git, except for the fact that, rather than his normal billowing black robes, he was clad in a fluffy pink dressing gown with the words 'The King's Bunny' emblazoned on the back. Harry stared down at Snape's big white slippers in embarrassment.

Neville: Thanks for the images, George.

George: No problem.

Michael: What have you had to drink this morning?

George: Well… (Talking very quickly) Ihadsomecoffee. Haveyoueverhadcoffee? Ilikecoffee! I'mgonnagogetsomemorecoffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee!

**Getting up, he told Ron and Hermione he was going to ask Snape if he could have it.**

Neville: Good luck with that.

"**Better you than me," they said together, but Harry had an idea that Snape wouldn't refuse if there were other teachers listening.**

Horace: You know, the Sorting Hat was right.

Harry: Shut up!

**He made his way down to the staffroom and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again. **

George: But this time, out popped Professor Quirrell, with his wonky turban, clutching a large bottle of Scotch and hiccoughing rapidly. He seemed to be being chased by a rather angry Scottish woman (whose name I cannot mention for legal reasons and the fact that she might hurt me) who was shouting: "Hey, Squirrel, give me back my Scotch". Quirrell dashed from the door, muttering a quick "Sorry, have to go!" before bolting down the corridor with the other Professor in close pursuit.

Minerva: Would you like to do the honours, dear?

Michael: Of course. (George winces and braces himself for a thump in the face. But it never happens).

George: Aren't you going to hit me like you did to Horace?

Michael: Don't be stupid, I'm not a violent man. I was just going to tell you to shut up, as seems to be the trend here today.

George (feeling a bit stupid): Oh.

**Nothing.**

**Perhaps Snape had left the book in there? It was worth a try. **

Minerva: Oh no, you didn't?

**He pushed the door ajar and peered inside – and a horrible scene met his eyes.**

George: All of the teachers were inside playing spin the bottle. Harry had just walked in on Snape snogging Flitwick.

Luna: Stop. Please. Now.

**Snape and Filch were inside, alone.**

George: Oh no, must… not… comment.

**Snape was holding his robes above his knees.**

George (hands over his ears): MUST… NOT… COMMENT. TOO… TEMPTING!

**One of his legs was bloody and mangled. Filch was handing Snape bandages.**

Neville: Since when was Filch a trained medic?

"**Blasted thing," Snape was saying. "How are you supposed to keep your eyes on all three heads at once?"**

Ron: You have to agree, that makes him sound sooooooooooo guilty, since we knew exactly what he was talking about.

Michael: Yes, but you really shouldn't jump to conclusions.

**Harry tried to shut the door quietly, but —**

George: He just couldn't resist staying and watching the scene inside unravel. Bad idea.

Horace: Stop. Now. I don't even want to know what you can come up with on that subject.

Minerva: Probably something that's not far from the truth.

George: Well…

Minerva: That was not an invitation.

Michael (slyly): Was that an invitation?

Minerva: For you, always.

(Michael picks Minerva up and puts her over his shoulder then heads towards the bedroom).

Minerva: Oh, Michael, put me down.

Ginny: For crying out loud, sit down!

Horace: And while you're at it, get a bucket of cold water. They need to cool down a bit.

"**POTTER!"**

George (Rises and salutes): Yes, sir! Here, sir! Harry Potter, sir! Reporting for duty, SIR!

Neville: Okay.

**Snape's face was twisted with fury as he dropped his robes quickly **

George: Revealing his bare chest and pink boxer shorts covered in hearts. Then Filch asked Harry to come inside the staff room-

Hermione: GET OUT! Now! I can't take anymore of THIS!

Ron: Sorry, love, but it seems we're all stuck in here.

**to hide his leg. Harry gulped.**

"**I just wondered if I could have my book back."**

Ginny: He's not going to give it back to you now.

"**GET OUT! OUT! "**

Luna: He could have been nicer about it.

**Harry left, before Snape could take any more points from Gryffindor. **

Michael: Wise decision.

**He sprinted back upstairs.**

"**Did you get it?" **

Ginny: Well, judging by the fact that he isn't holding a book, I would say not.

**Ron asked as Harry joined them. "What's the matter?"**

Harry: Lots of things.

**In a low whisper, Harry told them what he'd seen.**

"**You know what this means?" he finished breathlessly. "He tried to get past that three-headed dog at Halloween! **

(George starts humming the tune to Jaws again).

Ginny: Will you stop that?

George: Do you want the answer you would probably prefer or would you like the honest answer?

**That's where he was going when we saw him — he's after whatever it's guarding! **

Neville: No he's not.

Harry, Ron and Hermione: WE KNOW!

**And I'd bet my broomstick he let that troll in, to make a diversion!"**

Minerva: I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

Horace: You shouldn't be gambling at the age of eleven, any way!

**Hermione's eyes were wide.**

"**No — he wouldn't," she said. "I know he's not very nice, **

Ginny: You can say that again.

**but he wouldn't try and steal something Dumbledore was keeping safe."**

Michael: Only a suicidal fool would do that.

"**Honestly, Hermione, you think all teachers are saints or something," **

Minerva: We are. Except from Horace, of course. You have to have the patience of a saint to work in a school, trust me.

Horace: Modest woman, aren't you, Minerva?

**snapped Ron. "I'm with Harry. I wouldn't put anything past Snape. **

Ron: Didn't exactly inspire confidence, did he?

**But what's he after? What's that dog guarding?"**

George: The secret to world peace?

Michael: There will never be world peace; people are too different.

George: Looks like we're back in the Room of Philosophy.

**Harry went to bed with his head buzzing with the same question. **

Neville: Luna…

Luna: Not literally buzzing, I know.

**Neville was snoring loudly, **

Hermione: I bet Hannah likes that.

Ron: Hannah?

Hermione: Neville's wife, Hannah Abbott.

Ron: Oh, I thought I knew the name from somewhere. Sorry about that Neville.

Neville: No problem, really.

**but Harry couldn't sleep. He tried to empty his mind — he needed to sleep, he had to, he had his first Quidditch match in a few hours **

Michael: You'll be fine.

Everyone else: We know.

– **but the expression on Snape's face when Harry had seen his leg wasn't easy to forget.**

George: What was it kind of like this?

(George starts pulling random funny faces).

Luna: You have no idea how ridiculous you look.

Ginny: Oh, believe me, he knows.

**The next morning dawned very bright and cold. The Great Hall was full of the delicious smell of fried sausages **

Horace: Yum.

**and the cheerful chatter of everyone looking forward to a good Quidditch match.**

"**You've got to eat some breakfast."**

Horace: She's right, you know.

"**I don't want anything."**

"**Just a bit of toast," wheedled Hermione.**

Harry: Didn't you get that I wasn't hungry?

Hermione: Yes, but you had to keep your strength up.

"**I'm not hungry."**

Ginny: Don't let Ron hear you say that.

**Harry felt terrible. In an hour's time he'd be walking onto the field.**

George: To VICTORY!

"**Harry, you need your strength," said Seamus Finnigan. "Seekers are always the ones who get clobbered by the other team."**

Michael: Very encouraging.

"**Thanks, Seamus," said Harry, watching Seamus pile ketchup on his sausages.**

Luna: I can't stand ketchup.

Neville: What has that got to do with anything?

Luna: What have Snape's pink boxers got to do with anything?

Neville: Fair point.

**By eleven o'clock the whole school seemed to be out in the stands around the Quidditch pitch. **

Hermione: They would seem to be because they all were.

Harry: I didn't write it!

**Many students had binoculars. The seats might be raised high in the air, but it was still difficult to see what was going on sometimes.**

Horace: Not that anyone would want to.

Harry: Not a Quidditch fan, are you?

Minerva: It's only because he can't ride a broomstick.

Horace: And how would you know that?

Minerva: Staff vs. Student Quidditch Tournament of 1941. Professor Dippet arranged it to distract from the news about Pearl Harbour and the Muggle War.

Horace: Never mention that day again!

George: I'll need to hear about that later.

Minerva: Naturally.

Horace: You wouldn't!

Minerva: Wouldn't I?

**Ron and Hermione joined Neville, Seamus, and Dean the West Ham fan **

Luna: West Ham?

Michael: I believe Ms. Rowling is referring to the football team.

**up in the top row. As a surprise for Harry, they had painted a large banner on one of the sheets Scabbers had ruined.**

Harry: If he had ruined it, how in Merlin's name did you manage to decorate it?

Hermione: Well…

Ron: It wasn't really one of the one Scabbers ruined. It was your one…

Harry: Thanks for that. Thanks a lot!

**It said **_**Potter for President**_**, **

Hermione: Now that I would like to see.

Ron: Me too.

**and Dean, who was good at drawing, had done a large Gryffindor lion underneath.**

Ginny: He really should have looked into a job in art.

Minerva: Well, the last I heard of him, he was running a little gallery in New York.

Harry: I'll have to visit him someday.

**Then Hermione had performed a tricky little charm so that the paint flashed different colours.**

Hermione: Mostly red and gold.

**Meanwhile, in the changing room, Harry and the rest of the team were changing into their scarlet Quidditch robes (Slytherin would be playing in green).**

Neville: We would never have guessed.

**Wood cleared his throat for silence.**

"**Okay, men," he said.**

Minerva: And women.

Horace: That really wasn't necessary.

Minerva: Chauvinist pig.

Horace: Feminist cow.

Michael (calmly): I would take that back, if I were you.

"**And women," said Chaser Angelina Johnson.**

"**And women," Wood agreed. "This is it."**

George: The big one.

"**The big one," said Fred Weasley.**

Harry: The one we've all been waiting for.

"**The one we've all been waiting for," said George.**

"**We know Oliver's speech by heart," **

Harry: I still remember that speech.

George: Me too.

**Fred told Harry, "we were on the team last year."**

Luna: You learnt the speech in one year?

George: It was the same every Quidditch match.

"**Shut up, you two," **

Ginny: Well said.

**said Wood. "This is the best team Gryffindor's had in years. We're going to win. I know it."**

**He glared at them all as if to say, "Or else."**

Harry: I'm pretty sure he would have been saying "Or else" if we had enough time.

"**Right. It's time. **

George: On this day, we shall be led into victory. On this day, we shall teach Slytherin a lesson. On this day, we shall KICK THEIR ARSES!

**Good luck, all of you."**

Ginny: Ok, I was expecting a bit more than that, but whatever.

**Harry followed Fred and George out of the changing room and, hoping his knees weren't going to give way, walked onto the field to loud cheers.**

Harry: That was an amazing feeling.

Luna: What, that you knees were giving way?

Harry: No, that… forget it.

**Madam Hooch was refereeing. She stood in the middle of the field waiting for the two teams, her broom in her hand.**

"**Now, I want a nice fair game, all of you," **

Neville: Yeah, because that's going to happen with Slytherins and Gryffindors.

Minerva: Hey, we do not cheat.

Horace: No, but you rise to the bait.

**she said, once they were all gathered around her. **

**Harry noticed that she seemed to be speaking particularly to the Slytherin Captain, Marcus Flint, a sixth year. **

Horace: Ah, I taught his grandfather.

Minerva: Now you're just showing your age.

**Harry thought Flint looked as if he had some troll blood in him. **

Ron: It wouldn't surprise me.

**Out of the corner of his eye he saw the fluttering banner high above, flashing Potter for President over the crowd. His heart skipped. **

Luna: You have a very acrobatic heart, Harry.

Harry: Yeah…

**He felt braver.**

All: YAY!

"**Mount your brooms, please."**

**Harry clambered onto his Nimbus Two Thousand.**

**Madam Hooch gave a loud blast on her silver whistle.**

Hermione: Interesting, really.

**Fifteen brooms rose up, high, high into the air. They were off.**

"**And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor — what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too —"**

George: Well, it's true.

"**JORDAN!"**

"**Sorry, Professor."**

Horace: Minerva?

Minerva: I'm sorry, I can't bear to hear a decent match marred by a distracting commentary.

**The Weasley twins' friend, Lee Jordan, was doing the commentary for the match, closely watched by Professor McGonagall.**

"**And she's really belting along up there, a neat pass to Alicia Spinnet, a good find of Oliver Wood's, last year only a reserve **

George: I'm pretty sure we would have won more if she was on the team to start with.

Minerva: You're probably right, there.

**--- back to Johnson and — no, the Slytherins have taken the Quaffle, **

Ron, Luna and Neville: BOO!

**--- Slytherin Captain Marcus Flint gains the Quaffle and off he goes — Flint flying like an eagle up there — he's going to sc**

George: No he's not!

— **no, stopped by an excellent move by Gryffindor Keeper Wood **

All (not Horace): YAY!

**and the Gryffindors take the Quaffle — that's Chaser Katie Bell of Gryffindor there, **

Harry: Come on Katie!

**nice dive around Flint, off up the field and — OUCH — that must have hurt, hit in the back of the head by a Bludger —**

(All wince).

Luna: OUCH indeed.

**Quaffle taken by the Slytherins — that's Adrian Pucey speeding off toward the goal posts, but he's blocked by a second Bludger **

All Gryffindors: YAY!

— **sent his way by Fred or George Weasley, can't tell which **

Harry: Not many can.

**nice play by the Gryffindor Beater, anyway, and Johnson back in possession of the Quaffle, a clear field ahead and off she goes — she's really flying **

Minerva: Excellent Chaser, that girl.

— **dodges a speeding Bludger — the goal posts are ahead — come on, now, Angelina — Keeper Bletchley dives — misses — GRYFFINDORS SCORE!"**

All Gryffindors (adults included): YAY!

**Gryffindor cheers filled the cold air, with howls and moans from the Slytherins.**

Horace: We do not moan!

Minerva: Of course not.

Horace: Bet you do, though, eh Minerva?

Minerva: Shut up.

"**Budge up there, move along."**

Neville: Three guesses who that was.

"**Hagrid!"**

Ginny: Who else?

**Ron and Hermione squeezed together **

George: Oooooh.

**to give Hagrid enough space to join them.**

Luna: It'll take a bit more space than that!

"**Bin watchin' from me hut," said Hagrid, parting a large pair of binoculars around his neck, "But it isn't the same as bein' in the crowd. **

Ron: No kidding.

**No sign of the Snitch yet, eh?"**

"**Nope," said Ron. "Harry hasn't had much to do yet."**

Harry: That's the one thing I never liked about being a Seeker.

"**Kept outta trouble, though, that's somethin'," **

Hermione: That's true. It didn't happen very often.

**said Hagrid, raising his binoculars and peering skyward at the speck that was Harry.**

**Way up above them, Harry was gliding over the game, **

Michael: Not too far above them I hope; you'd never spot the Snitch.

**squinting about for some sign of the Snitch. This was part of his and Wood's game plan.**

Luna: I wasn't aware you ever had a game plan.

George: I suppose you weren't familiar with the concept because Ravenclaw never had a plan.

"**Keep out of the way until you catch sight of the Snitch," Wood had said. "We don't want you attacked before you have to be."**

Horace: Nice guy.

Ron: Like you can talk.

**When Angelina had scored, Harry had done a couple of loop-the-loops to let off his feelings. **

Minerva: You should have been focussing on the Snitch!

**Now he was back to staring around for the Snitch. **

Hermione: Back on task. Well done, Harry.

**Once he caught sight of a flash of gold, but it was just a reflection from one of the Weasleys' wristwatches, **

George: Oh, yeah… sorry about that.

**and once a Bludger decided to come pelting his way, more like a cannonball than anything, but Harry dodged it and Fred Weasley came chasing after it.**

Weasleys, Harry and Neville: Go FRED!

"**All right there, Harry?" he had time to yell, as he beat the Bludger furiously toward Marcus Flint.**

George: Typical.

"**Slytherin in possession," Lee Jordan was saying, "Chaser Pucey ducks two Bludgers, two Weasleys, and Chaser Bell, and speeds toward the **

George: GIT!

— **wait a moment**

Neville: Uh oh.

— **was that the Snitch?"**

George: Well done, Lee, alert both Seekers to the whereabouts of the Snitch.

**A murmur ran through the crowd as Adrian Pucey dropped the Quaffle, **

Ron: What? Idiot.

**too busy looking over his shoulder at the flash of gold that had passed his left ear.**

Ginny: It distracted him because he was too much of a baboon to concentrate on two things at once.

**Harry saw it. **

All (not Horace): HOORAY!

**In a great rush of excitement he dived downward after the streak of gold. **

Luna: Go Harry!

**Slytherin Seeker Terence Higgs had seen it, too. Neck and neck they hurtled toward the Snitch — **

Neville: Neck and neck but Harry had the faster broom, didn't he?

**all the Chasers seemed to have forgotten what they were supposed to be doing as they hung in midair to watch.**

Michael: What in Merlin's name were they thinking?

**Harry was faster than Higgs — he could see the little round ball, wings fluttering, darting up ahead — he put on an extra spurt of speed —**

Ron and Luna: GO HARRY!

**WHAM! **

(All wince).

**A roar of rage echoed from the Gryffindors below — Marcus Flint had blocked Harry on purpose, **

All: GIT!

**and Harry's broom spun off course, Harry holding on for dear life.**

"**Foul!" screamed the Gryffindors.**

Horace: Including Minerva, I daresay.

Minerva: Of course.

**Madam Hooch spoke angrily to Flint and then ordered a free shot at the goal posts for Gryffindor. **

All (except Horace): YAY!

**But in all the confusion, of course, the Golden Snitch had disappeared from sight again.**

Ginny: Lucky, that.

**Down in the stands, Dean Thomas was yelling, "Send him off, ref! Red card!"**

Luna: Red card?

Hermione: Football.

"**What are you talking about, Dean?" said Ron.**

"**Red card!" said Dean furiously. "In football you get shown the red card and you're out of the game!"**

Minerva: You can be taken off of the pitch in Quidditch.

Horace: Mostly if it's on a stretcher.

"**But this isn't football, Dean," Ron reminded him.**

Ginny: Quick work, Sherlock.

**Hagrid, however, was on Dean's side.**

"**They oughta change the rules. **

Hermione: Yes, they would change the rules when they're in the middle of a game.

**Flint coulda knocked Harry outta the air."**

**Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.**

Ron: Surprise, surprise.

"**So — after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating —"**

"**Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.**

Harry: I thought you were on my side?

Minerva: I can't be seen to be taking sides because _certain people_ would make a big song and dance about it. And, for your information, I do not growl!

Michael: Oh, I beg to differ…

"**I mean, after that open and revolting foul…"**

George: Go Lee!

Minerva: You really were turning him into the third Weasley twin, weren't you?

Luna: Don't be silly; they would be triplets, not twins.

"**Jordan, I'm warning you—"**

"**All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure, **

(All laugh).

Harry: Well, he has style.

**so a penalty to Gryffindor, taken by Spinnet, who puts it away, no trouble, **

Michael: Spinnet? I used to live near a Mr and Mrs Spinnet. I wonder if they were related?

**and we continue play, Gryffindor still in possession."**

**It was as Harry dodged another Bludger, which went spinning dangerously past his head, that it happened. **

Neville: That does not sound good.

**His broom gave a sudden, frightening lurch.**

**For a split second, he thought he was going to fall. He gripped the broom tightly with both his hands and knees. He'd never felt anything like that.**

Horace: Yes, but you hadn't been flying very often.

**It happened again. It was as though the broom was trying to buck him off.**

Minerva: Why didn't we notice that earlier?

**But Nimbus Two Thousands did not suddenly decide to buck their riders off. **

George: Unless you buy the new bucking bronco model. Only ten of your finest golden Galleons at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

**Harry tried to turn back toward the Gryffindor goal-posts — he had half a mind to ask Wood to call time-out — and then he realized that his broom was completely out of his control. **

Horace: Uh oh.

**He couldn't turn it. He couldn't direct it at all. It was zigzagging through the air, and every now and then making violent swishing movements that almost unseated him.**

Ginny: Somebody notice him already!

**Lee was still commentating.**

"**Slytherin in possession — Flint with the Quaffle — passes Spinnet — passes Bell — hit hard in the face by a Bludger, hope it broke his nose **

George: Me too.

­--- **only joking, Professor **

Horace: Nice.

**Slytherins score — oh no…"**

Horace: YAY!

**The Slytherins were cheering. No one seemed to have noticed that Harry's broom was behaving strangely. **

Harry: Somebody bloody look up.

Luna: They can't hear you.

**It was carrying him slowly higher, away from the game, jerking and twitching as it went.**

"**Dunno what Harry thinks he's doing," **

Harry: I'm not doing anything.

**Hagrid mumbled. He stared through his binoculars. "If I didn' know better, I'd say he'd lost control of his broom… **

All: HOORAY!!

**but he can't have…"**

George: Oh yes he can!

**Suddenly, people were pointing up at Harry all over the stands. **

Harry: FINALLY!!

**His broom had started to roll over and over, with him only just managing to hold on. **

George: Hey, how did you know about the Sloth-Grip Roll?

**Then the whole crowd gasped. Harry's broom had given a wild jerk and Harry swung off it.**

**He was now dangling from it, holding on with only one hand.**

Ginny: How did you manage that?

Harry: I didn't want to die at the age of eleven.

"**Did something happen to it when Flint blocked him?" Seamus whispered.**

"**Can't have," Hagrid said, his voice shaking. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark magic **

Ron: You're not kidding.

— **no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand."**

Michael: There's the truth.

**At these words, Hermione seized Hagrid's binoculars, but instead of looking up at Harry, she started looking frantically at the crowd.**

Neville: How is that going to help?

Hermione: You'll see.

"**What are you doing?" moaned Ron, grey-faced.**

"**I knew it," Hermione gasped, "Snape — look."**

(George starts humming a tune from Star Wars).

**Ron grabbed the binoculars. Snape was in the middle of the stands opposite them. He had his eyes fixed on Harry and was muttering non-stop under his breath.**

George: He was muttering something about 'bloody Potter' and 'boxers' and 'damned slippers'.

"**He's doing something — jinxing the broom," said Hermione.**

Michael: Not necessarily.

"**What should we do?"**

"**Leave it to me."**

**Before Ron could say another word, Hermione had disappeared. **

George: Dun, dun, dun!

**Ron turned the binoculars back on Harry. His broom was vibrating so hard, it was almost impossible for him to hang on much longer. **

Luna: Hang on, Harry!

**The whole crowd was on its feet, watching, terrified, as the Weasleys flew up to try and pull Harry safely onto one of their brooms, **

George: Fred and George to the rescue!

**but it was no good – every time they got near him, the broom would jump higher still. **

Ginny: Not quite to the rescue, then?

**They dropped lower and circled beneath him, obviously hoping to catch him if he fell. **

Ginny: Well, there's a comforting notion.

George: I try my best.

**Marcus Flint seized the Quaffle and scored five times without anyone noticing.**

Luna: Did they still count those shots, then?

"**Come on, Hermione," Ron muttered desperately.**

Hermione: Don't rush me!

**Hermione had fought her way across to the stand where Snape stood, and was now racing along the row behind him; she didn't even stop to say sorry as she knocked Professor Quirrell headfirst into the row in front.**

(All laugh).

Ron: Well done.

**Reaching Snape, she crouched down, pulled out her wand, and whispered a few, well-chosen words. **

Horace: I hope you don't mean swears!

**Bright blue flames shot from her wand onto the hem of Snape's robes.**

**It took perhaps thirty seconds for Snape to realize that he was on fire. **

Ron: That long?

**A sudden yelp told her she had done her job. **

Ginny: Snape? Yelp? Are you sure?

Neville: It was most likely Quirrell.

Ron: Can we stop saying that name?

Harry: Considering he plays quite a part in the book I would say that would be about as easy as refraining from saying my name.

**Scooping the fire off him into a little jar in her pocket, she scrambled back along the row — Snape would never know what had happened.**

Horace: You have a devious streak too?

Hermione: Everyone has a bit of darkness in them. I just choose to conceal mine, for the most part.

**It was enough. Up in the air, Harry was suddenly able to clamber back on to his broom.**

Luna: As if by magic.

Neville: Luna, it was… oh, never mind.

"**Neville, you can look!" Ron said. Neville had been sobbing into Hagrid's jacket for the last five minutes.**

Minerva: Aww.

Neville: I was worried for Harry!

**Harry was speeding toward the ground when the crowd saw him clap his hand to his mouth as though he was about to be sick **

Luna: That sounds pleasant.

— **he hit the field on all fours —**

George: For some strange reason, Harry felt the strange urge to act like a dog.

**coughed — **

Harry: Riveting.

**and something gold fell into his hand.**

Ginny: YAY!!

"**I've got the Snitch!" he shouted, waving it above his head, and the game ended in complete confusion.**

Horace: Well, that's a refreshing change.

"**He didn't catch it, he nearly swallowed it," **

Michael: It's not against the rules. I must say, though, Harry, your style is… err… different.

**Flint was still howling twenty minutes later, but it made no difference — Harry hadn't broken any rules and Lee Jordan was still happily shouting the results **

Minerva: As he should be.

Neville: Was that more satisfactory commentary?

Minerva: It would be if he hadn't said it over and over and over and over and…

Hermione: I think we get it.

— **Gryffindor had won by one hundred and seventy points to sixty. **

Everyone except Horace and Luna: HOORAY!!

**Harry heard none of this, though. **

**He was being made a cup of strong tea back in Hagrid's hut, **

Michael: I'd rather be on the pitch.

Harry: I would have, too.

Minerva: I wondered where you got off to.

Michael: Well, anywhere I can really, usually the bedroom, though.

Horace: I think I might vomit.

**with Ron and Hermione.**

"**It was Snape," Ron was explaining, "Hermione and I saw him. **

George (girly voice): He was doing something terrible…

**He was cursing your broomstick, muttering, he wouldn't take his eyes off you."**

Michael: Doesn't mean he's cursing you.

Hermione and Ron: We know!

"**Rubbish," said Hagrid, who hadn't heard a word of what had gone on next to him in the stands. **

Neville: Doesn't pay attention to much, does he?

"**Why would Snape do somethin' like that?"**

Luna: He wouldn't.

Harry: Well, he didn't exactly make himself inconspicuous.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another, wondering what to tell him. **

Ginny: Tell him anything.

**Harry decided on the truth.**

"**I found out something about him," he told Hagrid. "He tried to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween. It bit him. **

Michael: What if he wasn't trying to get past it? He could have been checking on it or something.

Ron: We were eleven and the man was going on about 'keeping your eyes on all three heads at once' and then looked as if he was cursing Harry's broom just days after he overheard him. What else were we supposed to think?

Michael: You could have taken time to think over what you were accusing him of.

Ron: We were eleven! When you're eleven, there is no time!

**We think he was trying to steal whatever it's guarding."**

Hermione: I can't believe we thought that.

**Hagrid dropped the teapot.**

George: Onto Fang's head. Fang, fortunately, seemed not to notice and continued to doze at Hagrid's feet.

"**How do you know about Fluffy?" he said.**

Minerva: Oh Merlin.

"_**Fluffy?"**_

George: That's like calling the Giant Squid 'Tinkerbell'!

"**Yeah — he's mine — bought him off a Greek chappie I met in the pub las' year — I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the —"**

Minerva: Hagrid shut up!

Horace: He can't hear you.

Minerva: I KNOW!!

"**Yes?" said Harry eagerly.**

"**Now, don't ask me anymore," said Hagrid gruffly. "That's top secret, that is."**

(Minerva starts banging her head on the table).

Michael: Please stop that.

"**But Snape's trying to steal it."**

George: Of course not because he's not making himself suspicious at all, is he?

"**Rubbish," said Hagrid again. "Snape's a Hogwarts teacher, he'd do nothin' of the sort."**

"**So why did he just try and kill Harry?" cried Hermione.**

George: Ooh, BURN!

Harry: Pardon?

George: Never mind.

**The afternoon's events certainly seemed to have changed her mind about Snape.**

"**I know a jinx when I see one, Hagrid, I've read all about them! **

Horace: That doesn't mean you know them.

**You've got to keep eye contact, and Snape wasn't blinking at all, I saw him!"**

Michael: But you also have to keep eye contact for heaps of other spells.

"**I'm tellin' yeh, yer wrong!" said Hagrid hotly. **

Luna: Hotly. I like that word.

"**I don' know why Harry's broom acted like that, but Snape wouldn' try an' kill a student! **

Neville: When you say it like that, it does sound a bit far-fetched.

**Now, listen to me, all three of yeh — yer meddlin' in things that don' concern yeh. It's dangerous. **

Minerva: Well done, Hagrid, you've just made it more interesting for them.

Ron: Sounds about right.

**You forget that dog, an' you forget what it's guardin', that's between Professor Dumbledore an' Nicolas Flamel —"**

Minerva: ARGH! Why do I even bother?

"**Aha!" said Harry, "so there's someone called Nicolas Flamel involved, is there?"**

**Hagrid looked furious with himself.**

Ginny: Next time I need to know something top secret about Hogwarts, remind me to go to Hagrid.

Luna: Why would you need to know something top secret about Hogwarts?

Ginny: I don't know. I might…

Harry: Well, I'm up for reading again.

_A/N: I think Michael and Minerva need to get a room… no, Michael, that was not a suggestion. Things are getting a little crazy here, if this goes on much longer you may need to send out a search team for me. _

_Oh, and I may have to cut off George's coffee supply. _


	12. Mirror, mirror on the wall

_A/N: Okay, my plan didn't go so well; George won't let go of his coffee. Well, if you can't beat them, join 'em. Cappuccino anyone?_

**Chapter 12 - The Mirror Of Erised. **

Harry: Uh oh.

Ron: What?

(Harry whispers to Ron. Ron's eyes widen and he bites his lip as Harry continues to read).

**Christmas was coming. **

(Harry starts banging his head on the table). _(A/N: Thank you, _mwinter1_)._

Hermione: What are you doing that for?

Harry: *cough* CLOAK *cough*

Horace: What was that?

Hermione: Nothing.

**One morning in mid-December, Hogwarts woke to find itself covered in several feet of snow.**

Luna: Can the castle actually wake up?

Michael: Well, it's as good as human. The Room of Requirement is testimony of it.

**The lake froze solid **

Luna: Poor Squid.

**and the Weasley twins were punished for bewitching several snowballs so that they followed Quirrell around, bouncing off the back of his turban.**

(All laugh).

Harry: Let me guess, Snape?

George: No, actually, it was Flitwick.

Minerva: Huh, I would have thought he would've quite enjoyed that.

**The few owls that managed to battle their way through the stormy sky to deliver mail had to be nursed back to health by Hagrid before they could fly off again. **

Neville: Poor owls.

Luna: I know, can you imagine having to be looked after by Hagrid?

Neville: Not exactly what I meant, Luna.

**No one could wait for the holidays to start. **

Ron: No-one ever can. They're holidays for Merlin's sake!

**While the Gryffindor common room and the Great Hall had roaring fires, **

Harry: Thank Merlin for those.

**the drafty corridors had become icy and **

George: Slippery and great for easy pranks.

**a bitter wind rattled the windows in the classrooms. **

Minerva: It's not that bad.

Harry: I didn't write it! Besides, it's not like you don't exaggerate.

**Worst of all were Professor Snape's classes down in the dungeons, **

Ginny: And that wasn't just due to the cold.

**where their breath rose in a mist before them and they kept as close as possible to their hot cauldrons.**

Horace: Good idea.

"**I do feel so sorry," said Draco Malfoy, one Potions class, "for all those people who have to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas **

Minerva: Hogwarts is better at Christmas; it's quieter and just that little bit more… for want of a better word, magical!

**because they're not wanted at home."**

Weasleys, Harry and Neville: GIT!

**He was looking over at Harry as he spoke. **

Ron: I repeat: GIT!

**Crabbe and Goyle chuckled. **

Hermione: Chuckled? They don't chuckle, they guffaw.

**Harry, who was measuring out powdered spine of lionfish, ignored them. **

Luna: That's the best thing to do, Harry.

**Malfoy had been even more unpleasant than usual since the Quidditch match.**

Ron: I thought that was impossible.

Hermione: Honestly, unpleasant isn't the word for it.

**Disgusted that the Slytherins had lost, he had tried to get everyone laughing at how a wide-mouthed tree frog would be replacing Harry as Seeker next. **

Minerva: Don't be ridiculous, Umbridge is far too old to be on the House teams.

**Then he'd realized that nobody found this funny, **

All (except Horace): HA!

**because they were all so impressed at the way Harry had managed to stay on his bucking broomstick. **

Ginny: Because he is AMAZING!!

(She kisses him).

Horace: ARGH! Not you too.

**So Malfoy, jealous and angry, had gone back to taunting Harry about having no proper family.**

Minerva: Hogwarts is his family.

Harry: Thanks Professor.

**It was true that Harry wasn't going back to Privet Drive for Christmas. **

Harry: THANK HEAVENS!!

**Professor McGonagall had come around the week before, making a list of students who would be staying for the holidays, and Harry had signed up at once. **

Hermione: I would, if I were you, too.

**He didn't feel sorry for himself at all; **

Luna: Why should you?

Neville: Were you listening to what Malfoy said?

Luna: No, sorry. I zoned out.

**this would probably be the best Christmas he'd ever had. **

Horace: Too right.

**Ron and his brothers were staying, too, because Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were going to Romania to visit Charlie.**

George: And they couldn't take us with them.

Ginny: At least you go to stay at Hogwarts. I didn't have that luxury.

**When they left the dungeons at the end of Potions, they found a large fir tree blocking the corridor ahead. **

George: Look out! Trees ATTACK!!

(More coffee appears in front of George).

George: Oooooh, more coffee!

Ginny: Ah, ah, ah, no you don't.

(Ginny takes away the coffee).

George: Hey!

Michael: You know he can wish for more, right.

Ginny: Fair point. (She gives him back his coffee).

**Two enormous feet sticking out at the bottom and a loud puffing sound told them that **

George: The tree was… ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!

**Hagrid was behind it.**

"**Hi, Hagrid, want any help?" Ron asked, sticking his head through the branches.**

George: Hagrid was so shocked by hearing Ron's voice that he dropped the tree on Ron's foot. And then absolute chaos erupted –

Ginny: You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

George: That I'm an amazing story-teller?

Ginny: You wish. Just, shut UP!

"**Nah, I'm all right, thanks, Ron."**

"**Would you mind moving out of the way?" **

Luna: Oh, that was nice.

**came Malfoy's cold drawl from behind them. **

Hermione: That sounds about right, then.

"**Are you trying to earn some extra money, Weasley? Hoping to be gamekeeper yourself when you leave Hogwarts, I suppose **

Ron: What an arse!

— **that hut of Hagrid's must seem like a palace compared to what your family's used to."**

Weasleys: GIT!

Minerva: I've always quite liked the Burrow, actually. It doesn't matter how big a house is, as long as it feels like a home, it's brilliant.

**Ron dived at Malfoy just as Snape came up the stairs.**

Ginny: Great timing, Ron.

Ron: You would have done the same.

Ginny: No, I would have hexed him rather than diving at him, giving him an opportunity to whip out his wand and hex me.

Michael: You've a good head on your shoulders, lass.

(Ginny blushes).

"**WEASLEY!" **

(George starts humming the tune to Jaws. _A/N: Boy, he does that a lot_).

**Ron let go of the front of Malfoy's robes.**

"**He was provoked, Professor Snape," said Hagrid, **

Ginny: He doesn't care, Hagrid. Being friends with Harry is enough to warrant punishment.

Harry: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

**sticking his huge hairy face out **

Luna: Really playing on his size and the fact he has a lot of hair in this book, isn't she?

**from behind the tree. "Malfoy was insultin' his family."**

Neville: Like he cares.

"**Be that as it may, fighting is against Hogwarts rules, Hagrid," **

Horace: He does have a point, though.

Ron: Shut up!

**said Snape silkily. "Five points from Gryffindor, Weasley, and be grateful it isn't more. **

Horace: Actually, that is quite reasonable.

Minerva: No it's not. I agree that Ron shouldn't have attacked Mr Malfoy but points should have been deducted from Slytherin.

**Move along, all of you."**

**Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle pushed roughly past the tree, scattering needles everywhere and smirking.**

Neville: I wish I could wipe that smug little smirk right off his face.

"**I'll get him," said Ron, grinding his teeth at Malfoy's back, "one of these days, I'll get him —"**

Luna: You keep telling yourself that.

"**I hate them both," said Harry, "Malfoy and Snape."**

George: Don't say that, Harry, you'll make Crabbe and Goyle feel left out.

"**Come on, cheer up, it's nearly Christmas," **

Luna: Well at least he knows that much.

Harry: Luna!

**said Hagrid. "Tell yeh what, come with me an' see the Great Hall, looks a treat."**

Minerva: Aw, thanks Hagrid.

**So the three of them followed Hagrid and his tree off to the Great Hall, where Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick were busy with the Christmas decorations.**

Minerva: My favourite part of the year.

"**Ah, Hagrid, the last tree — put it in the far corner, would you?"**

Harry: Who has no manners now?

**The hall looked spectacular. **

Minerva: Would you expect any less?

Horace: Actually, I was expecting tartan, red and green.

Minerva: Do you like your teeth, Horace?

Horace: Well, actually, they could do with a bit of straightening, but otherwise –

Minerva: Well, come here and I'll sort them out for you.

Horace: How?

Minerva: With my fist.

**Festoons of holly and mistletoe **

Minerva: What a nuisance that bloody was. Albus kept 'unfortunately' catching us when we walked under it.

Ginny: Ah, he really did love Christmas, didn't he?

**hung all around the walls, and no less than twelve towering Christmas trees stood around the room, some sparkling with tiny icicles, some glittering with hundreds of candles.**

Hermione: How long did all that take?

Ron: Well, judging by the facts that they are teachers and are rather good at magic, I would say not too long.

"**How many days you got left until yer holidays?" Hagrid asked.**

Neville: He works at the school and yet he doesn't know when the holidays are?

Horace: Makes a change. We count down to them.

"**Just one," said Hermione. "And that reminds me — Harry, Ron, we've got half an hour before lunch, we should be in the library."**

George: Sounds fun.

"**Oh yeah, you're right," said Ron, **

Neville: You agreed? Were you feeling alright?

**tearing his eyes away from Professor Flitwick, who had golden bubbles blossoming out of his wand and was trailing them over the branches of the new tree.**

Hermione: That would save so much time at Christmas.

Michael: I'll teach you the spell one day.

"**The library?" said Hagrid, following them out of the hall. **

George: Now he's stalking you!

"**Just before the holidays? Bit keen, aren't yeh?"**

Ginny: He can't honestly think that you are going to study?

Horace: It would not surprise me.

"**Oh, we're not working," Harry told him brightly. **

Harry: What did I say that for?

"**Ever since you mentioned Nicolas Flamel we've been trying to find out who he is."**

Luna: You would make an awful spy, Harry.

"**You what?" Hagrid looked shocked. **

Minerva: I don't know why he was shocked. He told you almost everything you wanted to know, he can't have expected you to not dig deeper. I know I would have.

"**Listen here — I've told yeh — drop it. **

Ginny: Not going to happen.

**It's nothin' to you what that dog's guardin'."**

"**We just want to know who Nicolas Flamel is, that's all," **

Michael: And then use that information to find out what Fluffy is guarding. Finally, attempting to prevent a Professor from stealing it even though you don't know for sure that he is trying to take it.

**said Hermione.**

"**Unless you'd like to tell us and save us the trouble?" **

Horace: He's stupid, but not that stupid.

**Harry added. "We must've been through hundreds of books already **

Horace: You're exaggerating too? What is this world coming to?

**and we can't find him anywhere — just give us a hint — I know I've read his name somewhere."**

"**I'm sayin' nothin'," **

Minerva: Makes a change.

**said Hagrid flatly.**

"**Just have to find out for ourselves, then," **

Luna: I don't like the sound of this.

**said Ron, and they left Hagrid looking disgruntled and hurried off to the library.**

**They had indeed been searching books for Flamel's name ever since Hagrid had let it slip, because **

George: they were being nosy gits.

**how else were they going to find out what Snape was trying to steal?**

Horace: But he wasn't trying to steal anything, was he?

Ron: WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!

**The trouble was, it was very hard to know where to begin, not knowing what Flamel might have done to get himself into a book. **

Michael: Ah, that is

**He wasn't in **_**Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century,**_** or **_**Notable Magical Names of Our Time**_**; **

Horace: The card! Look at the card!

Ron (to Harry): Bloody hell, he remembered that?

**he was missing, too, from **_**Important Modern Magical Discoveries**_**,**

Minerva: Honestly? I would have thought that he would be in that one.

Ginny: Not that modern, though, is he?

**and **_**A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry. **_

Hermione: That would be because he isn't completely recent, is he?

**And then, of course, there was the sheer size of the library; tens of thousands of books; thousands of shelves; hundreds of narrow rows.**

Horace: Good luck with the searching.

**Hermione took out a list of subjects and titles she had decided to search while Ron strode off down a row of books and started pulling them off the shelves at random.**

Ginny: Typical.

Ron: I was eleven and I was bored. What right-minded eleven year old boy doesn't get bored in a library?

**Harry wandered over to the Restricted Section. He had been wondering for a while if Flamel wasn't somewhere in there.**

Michael: I wouldn't try it.

George: No, because the evil book monsters will come and devour you!! Bwah ha ha ha ha!!

Neville: Damn coffee!

**Unfortunately, you needed a specially signed note from one of the teachers to look in any of the restricted books, and he knew he'd never get one. **

Minerva: I wonder how you got to that conclusion.

**These were the books containing powerful Dark Magic never taught at Hogwarts,**

Horace: Not all of them.

**and only read by older students studying advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts.**

Horace: Again, not just that.

Minerva: There are some pretty insightful books about Animagus Transformations in there, actually.

"**What are you looking for, boy?"**

George: A puppy dog in a bow tie, why else would he be in the library?

"**Nothing," said Harry.**

Ginny: You should not have said that.

**Madam Pince the librarian brandished a feather duster at him.**

George: ARGH! Look out, she's going to tickle you to death!! Take COVER!

"**You'd better get out, then. Go on — out!"**

Hermione: You should have come up with a story.

(All look at Hermione).

Hermione: What? It wasn't all their influence that made me think like that, you know. People have different sides.

**Wishing he'd been a bit quicker at thinking up some story, Harry left the library.**

Luna: Bet that helped with the searching.

Neville: No need to rub it in, Luna.

**He, Ron, and Hermione had already agreed they'd better not ask Madam Pince where they could find Flamel. **

Horace: Why not?

Neville: Do you not think that it would be a little… sussed?

**They were sure she'd be able to tell them, **

Hermione: She could probably tell you every book in the library.

**but they couldn't risk Snape hearing what they were up to.**

**Harry waited outside in the corridor to see if the other two had found anything, but he wasn't very hopeful. **

Horace: Again, LOOK AT THE CARD!!

Ron and Harry: The book can't hear you!

**They had been looking for two weeks, after all, but as they only had odd moments between lessons it wasn't surprising they'd found nothing. **

Luna: And the fact that you were looking in the wring places doesn't help matters.

**What they really needed was a nice long search without Madam Pince breathing down their necks.**

Hermione: That sounds preferable. Madam Pince was like a dragon, honestly.

**Five minutes later, Ron and Hermione joined him, shaking their heads. They went off to lunch.**

George: Ooh, lunch! Interesting…

"**You will keep looking while I'm away, won't you?" **

Minerva: Yeah, sure. Two eleven year old boys are going to spend the best part of their Christmas holidays in the library. Were you really gullable enough to think that would happen?

Hermione: Not really. Worth a try, though.

**said Hermione. "And send me an owl if you find anything."**

"**And you could ask your parents if they know who Flamel is," **

Horace: I wouldn't count on that, though.

**said Ron. "It'd be safe to ask them."**

"**Very safe, as they're both dentists," **

Ginny: Yep, I'd call that pretty safe.

**said Hermione.**

**Once the holidays had started, Ron and Harry were having too good a time to think much about Flamel. **

Minerva: See?

**They had the dormitory to themselves and the common room was far emptier than usual, so they were able to get the good armchairs by the fire. **

Ginny: Yes, because nothing matters more than getting the good spots by the fire and not moving from them all day.

**They sat by the hour eating anything they could spear on a toasting fork—bread, crumpets, **

Horace: Really? I'll have to try that one day.

**marshmallows—and plotting ways of getting Malfoy expelled, which were fun to talk about even if they wouldn't work.**

Ron: I remember one included a Muggle parachute and a dragon.

Harry: Or there was the one with the broomstick and the box of snakes.

**Ron also started teaching Harry wizard chess. This was exactly like Muggle chess except that the figures were alive, **

Neville: No, because that's not very different at all.

**which made it a lot like directing troops in battle. **

Minerva: Chess is a battle of minds.

Horace: So were the arguments between you and Severus.

Minerva: Of course they were. Whereas, I can never have a proper battle of minds with you because you are rather lacking in the brains department.

Horace: Am not.

Hermione: Do you know how old you sound right about now?

Horace: My age?

Hermione: More like your shoe size.

Minerva: I wouldn't say that; he has reeeeeeeeeeeally big feet.

**Ron's set was very old and battered. Like everything else he owned, it had once belonged to someone else in his family—in this case, his grandfather. **

Michael: On your father's side?

Ron: Yeah.

Michael: Laurence Weasley. Great man. Little bit dippy sometimes, though.

**However, old chessmen weren't a drawback at all. Ron knew them so well he never had trouble getting them to do what he wanted.**

Hermione: Just like I can have no trouble getting him to do what I want.

**Harry played with chessmen Seamus Finnigan had lent him, and they didn't trust him at all. **

Ginny: Not good at chess, are you?

**He wasn't a very good player yet **

Neville: Join the club.

**and they kept shouting different bits of advice at him, which was confusing. **

Luna: Really, you should listen to them. They can be quite helpful.

"**Don't send me there, can't you see his knight? Send **_**him**_**, we can afford to lose **_**him**_**."**

George: That was one of the Slytherin pieces, obviously.

Luna: Slytherin pieces?

George: Oh, didn't you know? All wizard chess pieces were once wizards who died in battle. They were turned into stone rather than buried and-

Ginny: George, don't feed her lies.

**On Christmas Eve, Harry went to bed looking forward to the next day for the food and the fun, but not expecting any presents at all.**

Hermione: Aw, poor Harry.

**When he woke early in the morning, however, the first thing he saw was a small pile of packages at the foot of his bed.**

All: YAY!!

"**Merry Christmas," said Ron sleepily as Harry scrambled out of bed and pulled on his dressing-gown.**

"**You, too," said Harry. "Will you look at this? I've got some presents!"**

George: What did you expect?

"**What did you expect, turnips?" **

George: Radishes?

Ron: Kittens?

George: Raging alcoholics? Saying that, I don't think Minnie Dearest would suit a bow or wrapping paper.

Minerva: George, I suggest you shut your mouth this instant.

**said Ron, turning to his own pile, which was a lot bigger than Harry's.**

George: One upside of having a humungous family.

**Harry picked up the top parcel. It was wrapped in thick brown paper and scrawled across it was To Harry, from Hagrid. Inside was a roughly cut wooden flute. **

Hermione: More of a clue than we could ever have imagined.

**Hagrid had obviously whittled it himself. **

Ginny: I never knew he was a carpenter.

**Harry blew it**

George: And all of the dogs in Scotland pricked up their ears.

—**it sounded a bit like an owl.**

**A second, very small parcel contained a note.**

_**We received your message and enclose your Christmas present. From Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. **_**Taped to the note was a fifty-pence piece.**

Hermione: That's horrible.

Neville: Well, it's something, at least.

"**That's friendly," said Harry.**

Harry: I wasn't actually being sarcastic.

**Ron was fascinated by the fifty pence.**

Ginny: Look out, it's Dad Junior.

"_**Weird!**_**" he said, "What a shape! This is **_**money**_**?"**

Hermione: No, Ron, it's a rubber duck.

"**You can keep it," said Harry, laughing at how pleased Ron was. "Hagrid and my aunt and uncle—so who sent these?"**

George: The creature from beyond?

"**I think I know who that one's from," said Ron, turning a bit pink and pointing to a very lumpy parcel. **

Luna: Who?

Ron: Wait and see.

"**My mum. I told her you didn't expect any presents **

Neville: Your mum is so lovely. I wish my Gran was more like her.

Minerva: I wouldn't count on it, Neville. Augusta never was an accommodating sort of person.

**and—oh, no," he groaned, "she's made you a Weasley jumper."**

Ginny: Which are surprisingly warm.

**Harry had torn open the parcel to find a thick, hand-knitted sweater in emerald green and a large box of homemade fudge.**

Harry: I have to say, Ron, your Mum is an insanely good cook.

Weasleys: I know.

"**Every year she makes us a jumper," said Ron, unwrapping his own, "and mine's **_**always**_** maroon."**

George: Thank your lucky stars that it wasn't mustard colour.

Ron: I suppose so.

"**That's really nice of her," **

Luna: It really is.

**said Harry, trying the fudge, which was very tasty.**

**His next present also contained sweets**

Luna: You're going to rot your teeth if you're not careful.

—**a large box of Chocolate Frogs from Hermione.**

Hermione: My mother tried to persuade me to put in a toothbrush and some sugar-free sweets.

**This only left one parcel. **

George: There's got to be something important in that one.

Neville: How'd you figure that out?

Luna: The author's putting a little more emphasis on it.

Horace: Is it just me or is Luna starting to make a lot more sense.

Luna: It has been known.

**Harry picked it up and felt it. It was very light. **

George: A feather, perhaps?

**He unwrapped it.**

Ron: Riveting. Really.

**Something fluid and silvery grey went slithering to the floor where it lay in gleaming folds.**

Michael: I think I might know where this is going.

**Ron gasped.**

"**I've heard of those," he said in a hushed voice, dropping the box of Every Flavour Beans he'd gotten from Hermione. **

Hermione: Nice, Ron, really nice.

"**If that's what I think it is—they're really rare, and **_**really**_** valuable."**

Horace: That can't be good.

"**What is it?"**

**Harry picked the shining silvery cloth off the floor. It was strange to the touch, like water woven into material.**

Michael: But – it can't be, can it?

Harry: If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, the yes, it can be.

"**It's an Invisibility Cloak," **

Minerva: Invisibility Cloak? That explains so much…

(The Golden Trio smile sheepishly).

**said Ron, a look of awe on his face. "I'm sure it is—try it on."**

**Harry threw the cloak around his shoulders and Ron gave a yell.**

George: It transpired that it was not an Invisibility Cloak, but a jinxed one that turned Harry into an ugly English sheepdog. Three days later, Harry was still a dog and Hagrid had decided to use him to keep his pets at bay, despite Ron's protests.

"**It **_**is**_**! Look down!"**

**Harry looked down at his feet, but they were gone. **

Luna: Not technically. They just appear to be gone.

**He dashed to the mirror. Sure enough, his reflection looked back at him, just his head suspended in midair, **

George: Awesome!

**his body completely invisible.**

**He pulled the cloak over his head and his reflection vanished completely.**

George: ARGH! HE turned into a vampire!

"**There's a note!" said Ron suddenly. "A note fell out of it!"**

Neville: Oh, now you notice the little things.

**Harry pulled off the cloak and seized the letter. Written in narrow, loopy writing he had never seen before **

Harry: But would see many, many times after that.

**were the following words:**

_**Your father left this in my possession before he died.**_

Minerva: Yet again, that explains so much. No wonder the Marauders were so successful.

_**It is time it was returned to you.**_

_**Use it well.**_

Neville: Oh, that's specific.

Hermione: But with all the trouble it could cause, he can't exactly write a list of every single thing Harry shouldn't use it for.

**There was no signature. **

Ron: Why should there be?

**Harry stared at the note. Ron was admiring the cloak.**

"**I'd give **_**anything**_** for one of these," **

George: (singing) You know that I'd do anything for you, dear.

Hermione (also singing): Anything?

Luna: Please stop singing.

Neville: I thought you were the happy one.

Luna: I am but if I want to listen to show tunes, I'll go to the West End.

**he said. "**_**Anything**_**. What's the matter?"**

"**Nothing," said Harry. He felt very strange. Who had sent the cloak? **

Minerva: The one man who is mad enough to make the rest of endure years of torture with that thing. The one man who is mad enough to wear a flowery bonnet at Christmas. Am I on the right track here?

Harry: Of course. Who else would it be?

**Had it really once belonged to his father?**

**Before he could say or think anything else, the dormitory door was flung open and Fred and George Weasley bounded in. **

George: YAY! Oh, what, everyone else gets a cheer but we don't?

Ginny: Sounds about right.

**Harry stuffed the cloak quickly out of sight. He didn't feel like sharing it with anyone else yet.**

Hermione: Very nice, Harry.

"**Merry Christmas!"**

"**Hey, look—Harry's got a Weasley jumper, too!"**

Ron: Three guesses who that was.

**Fred and George were wearing blue jumpers, one with a large yellow F on it, the other a G.**

George: We were so lucky that we got blue.

Ron: Tell me about it.

"**Harry's is better than ours, though," said Fred, holding up Harry's jumper. **

Harry: Yours were great too.

"**She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family."**

Ginny: That's actually true.

Hermione: But she is an amazing mother, though.

"**Why aren't you wearing yours, Ron?" George demanded. **

Ron: Thanks for that.

George: No problem.

"**Come on, get it on, they're lovely and warm."**

"**I hate maroon," **

Ginny: You know, maybe you should give mum a lecture on fashion sense.

Ron: Are you kidding? Are you trying to kill me?

Neville: I would say so.

**Ron moaned half-heartedly as he pulled it over his head.**

"**You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. **

Harry: I'm glad somebody thinks I have brains.

Hermione: Oh, yes, it takes brains to remember your name.

**But we're not stupid—we know we're called Gred and Forge."**

(All laugh).

George: Classic.

Ginny: Idiots.

George: Thank you very much.

"**What's all this noise?"**

**Percy Weasley stuck his head through the door, looking disapproving.**

Ron: As usual.

**He had clearly gotten halfway through unwrapping his presents as he, too, carried a lumpy jumper over his arm, which Fred seized.**

"**P for prefect! **

Ginny: Don't remind him!

**Get it on, Percy, come on, we're all wearing ours, even Harry got one."**

"**I—don't—want—" **

Ginny: And we didn't want him to keep going on about how he was a prefect.

Luna: There's no way he's getting out of this one, is there?

Neville: Nope.

**said Percy thickly, as the twins forced the jumper over his head, knocking his glasses askew.**

Ron: Ha!

"**And you're not sitting with the prefects today, either," **

Horace: Too true.

**said George. "Christmas is a time for family."**

Michael: I always wondered why the house was so full at Christmas.

**They frog-marched Percy from the room, his arms pinned to his side by his jumper.**

Harry: Thank you for that.

**Harry had never in all his life had such a Christmas dinner. A hundred fat, roast turkeys; **

Luna: You ate a hundred roast turkeys?

(All look at Luna).

Harry (sarcastically): Yes, Luna, yes I did.

**mountains of roast and boiled potatoes; platters of chipolatas; tureens of buttered peas, silver boats of thick, rich gravy and cranberry sauce **

Horace: Stop it, you're making me hungry.

Minerva: Honestly, it doesn't take that much to make you feel hungry.

**- and stacks of wizard crackers every few feet along the table. These fantastic party favours were nothing like the feeble Muggle ones the Dursleys usually bought, **

Hermione: Yeah, I always thought that the Muggle ones were rather crappy.

Harry: I wouldn't know, the Dursleys never let me pull one.

**- with their little plastic toys and their flimsy paper hats inside. Harry pulled a wizard cracker with Fred and it didn't just bang, it went off with a blast like a cannon and engulfed them all in a cloud of blue smoke, **

George: You should check out Weasley crackers, they're so much better and are only 2 Galleons for four.

Neville: Advertising again? What do they actually do, anyway?

George: You'll have to wait until you buy one, won't you?

**while from the inside exploded a real admiral's hat and several live, white mice. **

George: I'm surprised that you didn't start chasing them around.

Minerva: Well, I could turn you into a mouse and chase you around, if you like.

George: I think I'll pass, thanks.

**Up at the High Table, Dumbledore had swapped his pointed wizard's hat for a flowered bonnet, **

Horace: He was off his head.

Minerva: Nope, he was stone cold sober.

Harry: Sounds about right.

**and was chuckling merrily at a joke Professor Flitwick had just read him.**

Hermione: He must have been drunk, those cracker jokes are terrible.

Minerva: Honestly, he hadn't had a drop; there was a ton of alcohol in the staffroom but he never had any.

Michael: Well, if you're all drinking, mine's a large one.

Minerva: I can vouch for that.

Ginny: Please can we keep the suggestive comments to ourselves?

(A large Firewhiskey appears in front of Michael. Whereas, a large bucket appears in front of Horace).

**Flaming Christmas puddings followed the turkey. Percy nearly broke his teeth on a silver sickle embedded in his slice. **

(All Weasleys laugh).

Ron: Serves him right, the git.

**Harry watched Hagrid getting redder and redder in the face as he called for more wine, **

Ginny: That was really not a good idea.

Neville: Tell me about it, you should have seen him last Christmas.

Luna: What happened last Christmas?

Neville: Well, it's practically tradition for all the staff to get a little… intoxicated… but Hagrid overdid it… a lot. He ended up in the bushes outside the Greenhouses. With Irma Pince. And half the suits of armour had been knocked over. Let's just say that Filch had a _lot_ of cleaning up to do afterwards.

**finally kissing Professor McGonagall on the cheek, who, to Harry's amazement, giggled and blushed, **

Michael: What?

Minerva: Ok, I had maybe overdone it a bit with the Firewhiskey.

Ron: A bit?

Minerva: I was a little tipsy.

George: Yeah, right.

**her top hat lopsided.**

**When Harry finally left the table, he was laden down with a stack of things out of the crackers, including a pack of non-explodable, luminous balloons, **

Neville: Good for being spotted in the dark, I suppose.

**a Grow-Your-Own-Warts kit, **

Luna: Why on earth would you want one of those?

Harry: Actually, I planned on giving it to Fred or George but I never got around to it.

**and his own new wizard chess set. **

Horace: I have a hunch-

George: -Really? I don't see it. (Looks at Horace's back).

Horace: As I was saying; I have a hunch that that didn't get used very often.

Harry: Nope.

**The white mice had disappeared and Harry had a nasty feeling they were going to end up as Mrs. Norris's Christmas dinner.**

Neville: Or _somebody_ else's.

Minerva: You know, when I transform, I keep my human thoughts and feelings. Therefore, I do not go around eating mice and cat food.

George: Whatever you say.

**Harry and the Weasleys spent a happy afternoon having a furious snowball fight on the grounds. **

Michael: That has to be the best thing about Christmas in Scotland.

**Then, cold, wet, and gasping for breath, they returned to the fire in the Gryffindor common room, where Harry broke in his new chess set by losing spectacularly to Ron. **

Ron: Lots of people have failed miserably to beat me at chess.

**He suspected he wouldn't have lost so badly if Percy hadn't tried to help him so much.**

Ginny: Oh, that must be it! It can't be that you suck at it.

Harry: Thank you for putting that marvellously huge dent in my ego.

Ginny: No problem.

**After a meal of turkey sandwiches, crumpets, trifle, and Christmas cake,**

Horace: You had all that after that huge Christmas dinner?

Ron: I bet you have a lot more than that after Christmas dinner.

Horace: That is not the point.

Michael: Are we to assume that that means 'yes' then?

Horace: Think what you want, it doesn't bother me.

George: Oh, yes it does.

Horace: Oh, no it doesn't.

Neville and Ginny: Stop it. NOW.

**everyone felt too full and sleepy to do much before bed except sit and watch Percy chase Fred and George all over Gryffindor tower because they'd stolen his prefect badge.**

(All, except Hermione, laugh).

Hermione: How childish.

**It had been Harry's best Christmas day ever. Yet something had been nagging at the back of his mind all day. **

Luna: Don't ruin it now.

**Not until he climbed into bed was he free to think about it: the Invisibility Cloak and whoever had sent it.**

Neville: Oh. I suppose that is something to think about.

**Ron, full of turkey and cake **

Ginny: As usual.

**and with nothing mysterious to bother him, fell asleep almost as soon as he'd drawn the curtains of his four-poster. **

Hermione: Ron.

Ron: I was tired and full, okay?

Hermione: Whatever you say.

**Harry leaned over the side of his own bed and pulled the cloak out from under it.**

**His father's…this had been his father's. **

Ginny: It took that long to sink in?

**He let the material flow over his hands, smoother than silk, light as air. **_**Use it well**_**, the note had said.**

**Suddenly, Harry felt wide-awake. The whole of Hogwarts was open to him in this cloak. **

Minerva: NO! No, no, no, no, no!

Hermione: One, he can't hear you. Two, if he could hear you, he would use the cloak anyway.

**Excitement flooded through him as he stood there in the dark and silence. He could go anywhere in this, anywhere, and Filch would never know.**

Luna: Unless you walked into him.

**Ron grunted in his sleep. **

Ginny: Lovely.

**Should Harry wake him? Something held him back — his father's cloak **

Michael: Oh no.

**he felt that this time — the first time — he wanted to use it alone.**

Ron: I'm touched that you would like to share this golden moment with me.

Hermione: Well, Harry, unlike my husband, I see where you are coming from. I think you're absolutely right.

**He crept out of the dormitory, down the stairs, across the common room, and climbed through the portrait hole.**

Minerva: Oh, you had better pray that you don't get caught.

"**Who's there?" squawked the Fat Lady.**

**Harry said nothing. **

Neville: Good move.

Harry: Were you being sarcastic?

Neville: What did it sound like?

**He walked quickly down the corridor.**

**Where should he go? He stopped, his heart racing, and thought. And then it came to him. The Restricted Section in the library. **

Horace: Well, it could have been a lot worse.

Michael: I would say it probably did get worse.

**He'd be able to read as long as he liked, **

Ginny: Not very long then?

Luna: You couldn't stay all night; you'd be exhausted.

**as long as it took to find out who Flamel was. **

Hermione: I would settle down; it's going to be a long day.

**He set off, drawing the Invisibility Cloak tight around him as he walked.**

**The library was pitch-black and very eerie. **

George: There's a word I never thought I would see associated with the library.

**Harry lit a lamp to see his way along the rows of books. The lamp looked as if it was floating along in midair, **

Ron: Well that was clever.

**and even though Harry could feel his arm supporting it, the sight gave him the creeps.**

Luna: Hang on, how did you see yourself holding up a lamp?

Michael: Windows.

**The Restricted Section was right at the back of the library. Stepping carefully over the rope that separated these books from the rest of the library, **

Neville: Rope? Why must they make it harder for you?

Minerva: Irma insisted on putting it there to stop people getting in without her noticing. It was charmed to inform her when anyone touched it.

**he held up his lamp to read the titles.**

**They didn't tell him much. Their peeling, faded gold letters spelled words in languages Harry couldn't understand. **

Harry: I really should learn another language sometime.

Minerva: I can help you out if you like.

**Some had no title at all. **

Hermione: That's always helpful.

**One book had a dark stain on it that looked horribly like blood. **

Luna: Anything to do with the Bloody Baron?

**The hairs on the back of Harry's neck prickled. Maybe he was imagining it, maybe not, but he though a faint whispering was coming from the books, **

Horace: Really?

**as though they knew someone was there who shouldn't be.**

Horace: Don't be so paranoid.

Michael: Actually, it has been known to happen.

**He had to start somewhere. Setting the lamp down carefully on the floor, **

Neville: Not a clever place to put a lamp, Harry.

**he looked along the bottom shelf for an interesting-looking book. **

Horace: I like your searching method.

**A large black and silver volume caught his eye. He pulled it out with difficulty, because it was very heavy, and, balancing it on his knee, let it fall open.**

**A piercing, bloodcurdling shriek split the silence**

George: You were scared by a book?

Harry: It warms my heart that you would think that a book could get the better of me.

—**the book was screaming!**

Luna: Sounds like a pleasant book.

**Harry snapped it shut, but the shriek went on and on, one high, unbroken, ear-splitting note. **

Harry: It was what I like to think was someone stepping on Mrs Norris' tail.

Neville: If only.

**He stumbled backward and knocked over his lamp, **

Neville: Told you not to put it there.

Harry: Can we stop pointing out my mistakes now?

Ginny: No, I think that might actually be the reason that we're here.

**which went out at once. Panicking, he heard footsteps coming down the corridor outside—stuffing the shrieking book back on the shelf, he ran for it. **

Michael: Is that your back-up plan?

Ron: Pretty much.

**He passed Filch in the doorway; Filch's pale, wild eyes **

George: Wild? Really?

Minerva: I don't know, when he has a few too many, possibly.

**looked straight through him, and Harry slipped under Filch's outstretched arm and streaked off up the corridor, **

Horace: Well, well, well, that was a close shave.

Ginny: Surely you can't get away that easily?

Ron: Why not?

Ginny: Have you failed to notice just how difficult everything in Harry's life seems to have been.

George: Yeah, Ginny's proof of that.

Ginny: HEY!

**the book's shrieks still ringing in his ears.**

**He came to a sudden halt in front of a tall suit of armour. He had been so busy getting away from the library, he hadn't paid attention to where he was going.**

Neville: I think you may have been right, Ginny.

**Perhaps because it was dark, he didn't recognize where he was at all. There was a suit of armour near the kitchens, he knew, but he must be five floors above there.**

George: Wow, you really did need the map.

Michael: _The_ map?

George: I meant_ a_ map!

Michael: Sure.

"**You asked me to come directly to you, Professor, if anyone was wandering around at night, **

Minerva: Really? Who was that, then?

Harry: You'll see.

**and somebody's been in the library—Restricted Section."**

Luna: Uh oh.

**Harry felt the blood drain out of his face. Wherever he was, Filch must know a shortcut, **

George: Oh, believe me, he does.

**because his soft, **

Neville: Soft? Filch?

**greasy voice **

Neville: And how does a voice manage to be greasy?

**was getting nearer, and to his horror, it was Snape who replied, "The Restricted Section? Well, they can't be far, we'll catch them."**

Ginny: Is it just me or does he sound like a sort of cartoon police officer?

**Harry stood rooted to the spot as Filch and Snape came around the corner ahead. **

**They couldn't see him, of course, but it was a narrow corridor and if they came much nearer they'd knock right into him**

Hermione: Oh, to live a simple life.

—**the cloak didn't stop him from being solid.**

George: Hey, maybe I could get a new product out of that.

**He backed away as quietly as he could. A door stood ajar to his left. It was his only hope. He squeezed through it, holding his breath, **

Luna: You can do it, Harry.

Harry: Thanks, Luna.

**trying not to move it, and to his relief he managed to get inside the room without their noticing anything. **

Horace: Thank Merlin.

**They walked straight past, and Harry leaned against the wall, breathing deeply, listening to their footsteps dying away. **

Michael: Like to cut it fine, don't you.

**That had been close, very close. **

Neville: You are not kidding there.

**It was a few seconds before he noticed anything about the room he had hidden in.**

**It looked like an unused classroom. **

Luna: Why do I get the feeling that this is a bad thing?

**The dark shapes of desks and chairs were piled against the walls, and there was an upturned wastepaper basket**

Ron: Peeves?

George: Probably.

Hermione: What's with the one-word conversation?

Ron: Dunno.

—**but propped against the wall facing him was something that didn't look as if it belonged there, something that looked as if someone had just put it there to keep it out of the way.**

Horace: I bet it was something really important and Mr. Lemon Drops left it there.

**It was a magnificent mirror, as high as the ceiling, with an ornate gold frame, standing on two clawed feet. **

Minerva: Oh no. Please tell me that Albus did not leave that in there!

Harry: Albus did not leave that in there.

Minerva: Don't patronize me.

Luna: Leave what in there?

Ron: You'll see.

**There was an inscription carved around the top: **_**Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.**_

Minerva: I show not your face but your heart's desire.

Hermione: You speak Latin?

Minerva: Among many other languages, yes.

**His panic fading now that there was no sound of Filch and Snape, Harry moved nearer to the mirror, wanting to look at himself but see no reflection again. **

Neville: What?

George: He's a vampire!

Harry: I am not a vampire!

**He stepped in front of it.**

George: And before him he saw a huge Basilisk lurking behind the mirror's shiny surface.

**He had to clap his hands to his mouth to stop himself from screaming. **

Ginny: Really macho.

**He whirled around. His heart was pounding far more furiously than when the book had screamed**

Luna: Careful, Harry, you'll do yourself an injury if you carry on like that.

—**for he had seen not only himself in the mirror, but a whole crowd of people standing right behind him.**

Minerva and Michael: Oh, Harry.

**But the room was empty. **

Horace: I don't get it.

**Breathing very fast, he turned slowly back to the mirror.**

**There he was, reflected in it, white and scared-looking, and there, reflected behind him, were at least ten others. **

Minerva: Oh no. Harry, I'm sorry.

Harry: It's alright, really.

**Harry looked over his shoulder—but still, no one was there. Or were they all invisible, too? **

Neville: I'm guessing 'no'.

Luna: If they were invisible, Harry would have walked into them.

Neville: Luna, stop making so much sense!

**Was he in fact in a room full of invisible people and this mirror's trick was that it reflected them, invisible or not?**

Michael: Sadly not.

**He looked in the mirror again. A woman standing right behind his reflection was smiling at him and waving. He reached out a hand and felt the air behind him. **

Ron: So, was that your mum?

Hermione: Ron, you'll ruin the story.

**If she was really there, he'd touch her, their reflections were so close together, but he felt only air—she and the others existed only in the mirror.**

Harry: Unfortunately.

**She was a very pretty woman. She had dark red hair and her eyes—**_**her eyes are just like mine.**_

Hermione: Has it hit home yet?

Horace: I take it we are talking about Lily?

Minerva: Well done, Horace.

**Harry thought, edging a little closer to the glass. Bright green—exactly the same shape, **

Horace: Beautiful eyes.

Harry: Thanks.

Horace: I was talking about your mother.

Harry: Yeah, but, as I am frequently told, I have her eyes.

Luna: You should really give them back, Harry.

Neville: Right…

**but then he noticed that she was crying; smiling, but crying at the same time. The tall, thin, black-haired man standing next to her put his arm around her. He wore glasses, and his hair was very untidy. **

Minerva: I swear I'd give anything to see those two again.

Harry: Me too.

**It stuck up at the back, just as Harry's did.**

Harry: Cheers for that, Dad.

**Harry was so close to the mirror now that his nose was nearly touching that of his reflection.**

"**Mum?" he whispered. "Dad?"**

Hermione: I'm sorry, Harry.

Harry: Really, you guys can stop apologizing.

**They just looked at him, smiling. And slowly, Harry looked into the faces of the other people in the mirror, and saw other pairs of green eyes like his, other noses like his, even a little old man who looked as though he had Harry's knobbly knees**

Ginny: Trust you to spot that, Harry.

Hermione: You could see that but you couldn't see the trapdoor on the Third Floor?

Harry: As I said, I was a little preoccupied with its heads.

—**Harry was looking at his family, for the first time in his life.**

Minerva: Oh Merlin, I think I'm going to cry.

Michael: Oh, please don't.

**The Potters smiled and waved at Harry and he stared hungrily back at them, his hands pressed flat against the glass as though he was hoping to fall right through it and reach them. **

Harry: If only.

**He had a powerful kind of ache inside him, half joy, half terrible sadness.**

**How long he stood there, he didn't know. The reflections did not fade and he looked and looked until a distant noise brought him back to his senses. **

George: What was it?

Harry: I don't know, does it matter?

**He couldn't stay here, he had to find his way back to bed. **

Neville: Easier said then done.

**He tore his eyes away from his mother's face, whispered, "I'll come back," and hurried from the room.**

Ron: But, like this book, she can't hear you.

"**You could have woken me up," said Ron, crossly.**

Hermione: You probably would have moaned if he had woken you.

"**You can come tonight, I'm going back, **

Michael: Dangerous idea.

**I want to show you the mirror."**

"**I'd like to see your mum and dad," Ron said eagerly.**

Hermione: Not going to happen.

"**And I want to see all your family, all the Weasleys, you'll be able to show me your other brothers and everyone."**

"**You can see them any old time," **

George: Of course he can. Because between Hogwarts and the Dursleys, he has _loads_ of spare time. Besides, Charlie hardly ever comes home.

Ron: Alright, rub it in.

**said Ron. "Just come round my house this summer. Anyway, maybe it only shows dead people. **

Luna: No it doesn't.

Neville: I think we get that part, Luna.

**Shame about not finding Flamel, though. Have some bacon or something, **

Ginny: Way to change the subject.

**why aren't you eating anything?"**

**Harry couldn't eat. He had seen his parents and would be seeing them again tonight. **

Hermione: If he didn't get caught.

**He had almost forgotten about Flamel. It didn't seem very important anymore. **

Ron: Really?

**Who cared what the three-headed dog was guarding? **

Minerva: Many people.

**What did it matter if Snape stole it, really?**

Hermione: A great deal. Apart from the fact that he wasn't really trying to steal it.

Horace: You should get your priorities straight.

Harry: I was DISTRACTED!

"**Are you all right?" said Ron. "You look odd."**

George: He always does.

Harry: Cheers. Really, thank you for that.

**What Harry feared most was that he might not be able to find the mirror room again. **

Michael: You would be better off, though.

**With Ron covered in the cloak, too, they had to walk much more slowly the next night. **

George: Because Ron's massive feet would poke out of the end.

Ron: Hey, it's not funny. I had to crane my neck for most of the time.

Luna: Ouch.

Ron: Exactly!

**They tried retracing Harry's route from the library, wandering around the dark passageways for nearly an hour.**

"**I'm freezing." Said Ron. "Let's forget it and go back."**

Horace: Tut, tut, giving up, are we?

All Gryffindors: Shut up.

"_**No!**_**" Harry hissed. "I know it's here somewhere."**

Neville: That narrows it down.

**They passed the ghost of a tall witch gliding in the opposite direction, but saw no one else. Just as Ron started moaning **

Hermione: He is perpetually moaning.

Ron: I'm not that bad.

(Hermione raises an eyebrow at him).

**that his feet were dead with cold, Harry spotted the suit of armour.**

"**It's here—just here—yes!"**

Horace: Finally.

**They pushed the door open. **

George: Ooh, interesting.

Minerva: Well, if you would stop interrupting, we could get to the exciting bits faster.

**Harry dropped the cloak from around his shoulders and ran to the mirror.**

**There they were. His mother and father beamed at the sight of him.**

Minerva: Actually, they were always smiling after you were born.

"**See?" Harry whispered.**

"**I can't see anything."**

Hermione: Open your eyes.

Ron: They were open.

"**Look! Look at them all…there are loads of them…."**

"**I can only see you."**

"**Look in it properly, go on, stand where I am."**

Michael: That won't work.

**Harry stepped aside, but with Ron in front of the mirror, he couldn't see his family anymore, just Ron in his paisley pyjamas.**

Neville: Paisley?

Ron: Don't you go trying to give me fashion tips.

**Ron, though, was staring transfixed at his image.**

"**Look at me!" he said.**

George: Oh good heavens! You're a lanky ginger kid with freckles! Oh my God!

"**Can you see all your family standing around you?"**

Ginny: I doubt it.

"**No—I'm alone—but I'm different—I look older—and I'm Head Boy!"**

"**_What?_"**

"**I am—I'm wearing the badge like Bill used to—and I'm holding the House Cup and the Quidditch cup—I'm Quidditch captain, too!"**

Ron: That would have been awesome.

George: So, you were in it for the fame, Ronnie?

Ron: Shut up!

**Ron tore his eyes away from this splendid sight to look excitedly at Harry.**

"**Do you think this mirror shows the future?"**

Hermione: What a stupid question.

"**How can it? All my family are dead**

Ginny: Feeling frank?

Luna: Who's Frank?

—**let me have another look— "**

"**You had it all to yourself last night, give me a bit more time."**

"**You're only holding the Quidditch cup, what's interesting about that? **

Minerva: What do you mean by 'what's interesting about that?'?

Harry: Um… I… just mean that… okay, I'm out of ideas.

Hermione: He meant that family was more important.

Harry: Yeah, that's what I meant. Thanks 'Mione.

Minerva: You do have a rather good brain Harry, it's just a shame that you have to rely on the women in your life to use it for you.

**I want to see my parents."**

"**Don't push me—"**

Luna: Harry, I don't think that was very polite.

**A sudden noise outside in the corridor put an end to their discussion. They hadn't realized how loudly they had been talking.**

Neville: Oh no. That's bad.

"**Quick!"**

**Ron threw the cloak back over them as the luminous eyes of Mrs. Norris came round the door. Ron and Harry stood quite still, both thinking the same thing—**

George: Could she see their feet?

**did the cloak work on cats? **

Horace: I should think so.

**After what seemed an age, she turned and left.**

George: Phew! I've bitten my nails right down, here.

"**This isn't safe—she might have gone for Filch, I bet she heard us. **

Ginny: Really? No way!

**Come on."**

**And Ron pulled Harry out of the room.**

**The snow still hadn't melted the next morning.**

Luna: I love snow. It's the best weather to find Striped Larshawks.

Neville: Yay, Luna's back.

Luna: I never left.

"**Want to play chess, Harry?" said Ron.**

"**No."**

Harry: Because I suck at it.

Ron: You can't say I haven't offered to teach you.

"**Why don't we go down and visit Hagrid?"**

"**No…you go…"**

"**I know what you're thinking about, Harry, **

George: (Gasp). Harry, he can see into your mind. Do you think he can tell what I'm thinking right now?

Ron: That you want more coffee?

George: How does he do that?

**that mirror. Don't go back tonight."**

Ginny: Oh Merlin's pants! He speaks some wisdom! The world is ending!

Neville: Melodramatic much?

"**Why not?"**

"**I dunno, I've just got a bad feeling about it**

Hermione: That'll convince him, Ron.

Michael: Actually, gut instincts are sometimes very helpful.

—**and anyway, you've had too many close shaves already. **

Harry: I think I should have listened to you, mate.

**Filch, Snape, and Mrs. Norris are wandering around. So what if they can't see you? What if they walk into you? **

Horace: I'm sure he would see them coming.

**What if you knock something over?"**

Neville: Come on, that wasn't me you were talking to.

Luna: Aw, Neville.

"**You sound like Hermione."**

Ron: Really, my voice went an octave higher?

Minerva: For some reason, it astounds me that you know what an octave is.

"**I'm serious, Harry, don't go."**

Ginny: It's not going to work.

Harry: State the obvious, will you?

**But Harry only had one thought in his head, which was to get back in front of the mirror, **

George: Oh no, he's been possessed by Malfoy!

**and Ron wasn't going to stop him.**

Ron: Nice to know that my efforts don't go wasted.

**That third night he found his way more quickly than before. He was walking so fast he knew he was making more noise than was wise, but he didn't meet anyone.**

Michael: Thank Merlin.

**And there were his mother and father smiling at him again, and one of his grandfathers nodding happily. **

Harry: That was an awesome image, though.

Minerva: Like I said, I have some photographs if you would like them.

**Harry sank down to sit on the floor in front of the mirror. There was nothing to stop him from staying here all night with his family. Nothing at all.**

Ginny: Okay, this sounds a bit cliché. There's got to be something that interrupts you or something.

**Except—**

Ginny: See?

Neville: I didn't know you were related to Sybil, Ginny!

"**So—back again, Harry?"**

George: Who is it, who is it, who is it?

Harry: You'll see in a minute, won't you?

**Harry felt as though his insides had turned to ice. **

Luna: Uh oh. Cold, were you?

**He looked behind him. Sitting on one of the desks by the wall was none other than Albus Dumbledore. **

Ginny, Hermione and Horace: Who else?

**Harry must have walked straight past him, so desperate to get to the mirror he hadn't noticed him.**

Minerva: Or he had used a Disillusionment Charm.

"**Strange how nearsighted being invisible can make you," said Dumbledore, and Harry was relieved to see that he was smiling.**

Horace: When didn't he smile?

"**So," said Dumbledore, slipping off the desk to sit on the floor with Harry, "you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised."**

Luna: I wouldn't say delights, per say.

"**I didn't know it was called that, sir."**

Michael: Well, you don't speak Latin, do you?

"**But I expect you've realized by now what it does?"**

Harry: I wouldn't count on it.

"**It—well—it shows me my family—"**

"**And it showed your friend Ron himself as Head Boy."**

Minerva: You know, you would make a good Head Boy.

Hermione: You're kidding, right?

Minerva: Nope. If James Potter can make a good Head Boy, why not Ron Weasley?

Hermione: I am really starting to worry about you.

"**How did you know—?"**

George: (gasp). He knows…

"**I don't need a cloak to become invisible," said Dumbledore gently.**

Michael: Did it strike you how he knew about the cloak, at all?

Harry: I wasn't really paying attention.

"**Now, can you think what the Mirror of Erised shows us all?"**

**Harry shook his head.**

George: No surprise there, then.

"**Let me explain. The happiest man on earth **

George: Does not exist.

**would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. Does that help?"**

Horace: Cryptic as ever.

**Harry thought. Then he said slowly, "It shows us what we want…whatever we want…"**

Horace: Wonder what it would show me.

Minerva: Crystallised pineapple?

Michael: Or a girlfriend?

Horace: I don't think so.

Ginny: Or a boyfriend?

Horace: I meant that I am a loner, not that I am gay.

George: Nothing to be ashamed of.

Horace: I'm not ashamed.

Ron: So you are gay?

Horace: I AM NOT ASHSAMED AND I AM NOT GAY!!!

"**Yes and no," said Dumbledore quietly. "It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts.**

Minerva: One that, nine times out of ten, we can never ever have.

**You, who have never known your family,**

Neville: Doesn't beat around the bush, does he?

Luna: Technically, you knew your family for a year.

Harry: Thanks for reminding me.

**see them standing around you. Ronald Weasley, who has always been overshadowed by his brothers, sees himself standing alone, the best of all of them. **

(Ron's ears go pink).

Ginny: Aw, little Won-Won wants to be somebody!

Hermione: He is somebody. He's _my_ somebody!

Horace: What is up with everybody today?

**However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. **

Michael: Yet some people choose to believe it.

**Men have wasted away before it, **

Luna: Literally?

Michael: No, he means mentally, Luna.

Luna: Oh…

**entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, **

Hermione: Luna, did you ever see the mirror?

**not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.**

Harry: It's not in my case.

"**The Mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow, Harry, and I ask you not to go looking for it again. **

Horace: Somehow, I don't see that happening.

**If you ever **_**do**_** run across it, you will now be prepared. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, **

George: Not really a dream though, is it?

**remember that. **

Ginny: Oh, don't worry, we will.

**Now, why don't you put that admirable cloak back on and get off to bed?"**

Horace: How did he know about the cloak?

(Minerva, Harry and Hermione sigh).

**Harry stood up.**

"**Sir—Professor Dumbledore? Can I ask you something?"**

"**Obviously, you've just done so," **

George: Typical. Never a straight-forward reply from that man.

Luna: He's right, though.

**Dumbledore smiled. "You may ask me one more thing, however."**

"**What do you see when you look in the mirror?"**

George: "Well, Harry, I see a mad old coot with an exuberant dress sense." Chuckled Dumbledore.

Ron: We get the idea.

"**I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woollen socks."**

All (except Harry): Socks?

(George and Michael _(A/n: Ha, George Michael! Sorry, I'm sad.)_ shake their heads).

Michael: Absolutely stark raving bonkers!

Harry: Tell me about it.

**Harry stared.**

Luna: Harry, where were your manners?

Harry: The greatest wizard EVER just told me that his deepest, most precious desire was a pair of socks. I'm sure you would have reacted in the same way.

(Hermione raises her eyebrows).

Harry: On second thoughts…

"**One can never have enough socks," **

Hermione: Yes, yes you can.

**said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."**

Minerva: Stop being so damn wise and we wouldn't buy books. Besides we always gave him lemon drops with the books, well, I did, anyway.

Ginny: Weird though, isn't it, how he wants what everybody else would dread to get for Christmas.

**It was only when he was back in bed that it struck Harry that Dumbledore might not have been quite truthful. **

Michael: It took you that long to cotton on?

Neville: Wait, I see what he's about to say: "I was only eleven!"

Ginny: Please give a warm welcome to Sybil Trelawney the Second!

Neville: Except that I'm not a woman.

Luna: That's a relief, I was beginning to worry about you.

**But then, he thought, as he shoved Scabbers **

Ron: Damn RAT!

**off his pillow, it had been quite a personal question**.

Hermione: Too right.

_A/N: Updates are going to be a bit rarer now because I'm back at school._

_But, hey, I'm pretty sure Michael stopped the innuendo for a chapter, YAY! Whereas, my expectations for Minerva are slipping drastically. Next up is Nicholas Flamel!_


	13. Nicky Flamel

Neville: I haven't read in a while. Do you mind?

Harry: Be my guest (gives Neville the book).

**Chapter 13 - Nicolas Flamel**

Horace: Finally worked it out, did you?

Ron: Shut it.

**Dumbledore had convinced Harry not to go looking for the Mirror of Erised again, **

Harry: Why is it that nobody could ever say 'no' to him?

Minerva: I don't know, I think it was just because he was practically always right. Or maybe it was because he was so wise and just –how would you say it- awesome!

**and for the rest of the Christmas holidays the invisibility cloak stayed folded at the bottom of his trunk.**

Luna: Don't lose it, Harry!

Harry: Luna, you know I didn't lose it. Remember?

**Harry wished he could forget what he'd seen in the mirror as easily, **

Michael: But he couldn't.

**but he couldn't. He started having nightmares. **

George: Aww, poor Harry!

Harry: Shut up!

**Over and over again he dreamed about his parents disappearing in a flash of green light, while a high voice cackled with laughter.**

Hermione: Oh, Harry…

**"You see, Dumbledore was right, that mirror could drive you mad," said Ron, when Harry told him about these dreams.**

Ginny: You are so sympathetic.

Ron: Don't call me pathetic!

Ginny: I didn't!

Ron: Did!

Ginny: Didn't!

Ron: Did!

Ginny: Didn't!

Ron: Did!

Minerva: STOP IT!!

**Hermione, who came back the day before term started, took a different view of things. **

Ron: She always did.

Harry: And still does.

**She was torn between horror at the idea of Harry being out of bed, **

Neville: Why horror? It would have been his fault if he was caught, not yours.

Hermione: I was worried about him!

**roaming the school three nights in a row ("If Filch had caught you!"),**

George: He'd have you strung up by your thumbs in the dungeons.

**and disappointment that he hadn't at least found out who Nicolas Flamel was.**

**They had almost given up hope of ever finding Flamel in a library book, **

Michael: Never give up!

Horace: Ah, the delusions of Gryffindor pride.

Michael: No, it's bad for your image if you do.

**even though Harry was still sure he'd read the name somewhere.**

Neville: That's because he had.

Minerva: Well, in that case, why weren't you checking books that Harry had read rather than searching the Restricted Section?

Ron: That… is a point. Why didn't we do that, Hermione?

Hermione: Don't look at me.

**Once term had started, they were back to skimming through books for ten minutes during their breaks. **

Ron: I can't believe that we wasted all that time.

**Harry had even less time than the other two, **

Hermione: Forgotten our names?

Harry: It was J.K. Rowling, not me!

**because Quidditch practice had started again.**

**Wood was working the team harder than ever. **

George: And you would have thought that that was impossible.

**Even the endless rain that had replaced the snow couldn't dampen his spirits. **

Luna: That's a good thing, isn't it?

Harry and George: NO!

**The Weasleys complained that Wood was becoming a fanatic,**

Harry: Becoming a fanatic? He always was.

Michael: At least he was bothered about Gryffindor's prospects of winning.

Horace: But obsession is never a good thing.

Minerva: Could I just do a survey? Who here actually cares what Horace has to say?

(Horace's hand shoots up in the air. Everyone else just stares blankly around the room).

Minerva: I rest my case.

Horace: What case?

Minerva: Never mind, just read on please.

**but Harry was on Wood's side. **

George: WHAT?

**If they won their next match, against Hufflepuff, they would overtake Slytherin in the house championship for the first time in seven years.**

Horace: Seven years? Losing your touch, Minerva?

Minerva: I wasn't actually playing!

**Quite apart from wanting to win, **

Minerva: You didn't want to win?

Harry: Of course I did.

**Harry found that he had fewer nightmares when he was tired out after training.**

Luna: Well, there's something.

**Then, during one particularly wet and muddy practice session, Wood gave the team a bit of bad news. **

George: It was a _lot_ of bad news.

**He'd just gotten very angry with the Weasleys, who kept dive-bombing each other and pretending to fall off their brooms.**

(All laugh).

George: _That_ was fun.

**"Will you stop messing around!" he yelled. "That's exactly the sort of thing that'll lose us the match! **

Neville: Not exactly. I'd be more worried about the Bludgers taking out a player or not catching the Snitch in time.

**Snape's refereeing this time, and he'll be looking for any excuse to knock points off Gryffindor!"**

Luna: Sounds about right.

**George Weasley really did fall off his broom at these words.**

(All laugh again).

**"**_**Snape's**_** refereeing?" he spluttered through a mouthful of mud.**

Ginny: Mmm, enjoy that, George?

**"When's he ever refereed a Quidditch match? **

Minerva: Never.

**He's not going to be fair if we might overtake Slytherin."**

**The rest of the team landed next to George to complain, too.**

Harry: Wood got an earful.

**"It's not **_**my**_** fault," said Wood. "We've just got to make sure we play a clean game, so Snape hasn't got an excuse to pick on us."**

George: But he'll do it anyway.

**Which was all very well, thought Harry, but he had another reason for not wanting Snape near him while he was playing Quidditch...**

Hermione: Which turned out to be completely false.

**The rest of the team hung back to talk to one another as usual at the end of practice, **

Minerva: They could talk for Britain, that lot.

**but Harry headed straight back to the Gryffindor common room, where he found Ron and Hermione playing chess. Chess was the only thing Hermione ever lost at, something Harry and Ron thought was very good for her.**

Hermione: I love you guys.

**"Don't talk to me for a moment," said Ron when Harry sat down next to him, "I need to concen --" **

Ginny: Concentrate? You? As if!

**He caught sight of Harry's face. "What's the matter with you? You look terrible."**

Harry: Thanks.

**Speaking quietly so that no one else would hear, Harry told the other two about Snape's sudden, sinister desire to be a Quidditch referee.**

Hermione: How is wanting to be a referee sinister?

**"Don't play," said Hermione at once.**

**"Say you're ill," said Ron.**

Horace: Like that's going to work in a school with a fully trained, and possibly the best I've ever seen, Medi-witch.

**"Pretend to break your leg," Hermione suggested.**

Luna: How do you pretend to break your leg.

**"**_**Really **_**break your leg," said Ron.**

Minerva: Oh, that was clever! Poppy would fix it in a second.

Horace: Yes, but then she'd keep him in the hospital wing for days.

**"I can't," said Harry. **

Michael: You were actually considering that?

**"There isn't a reserve Seeker. If I back out, Gryffindor can't play at all."**

**At that moment Neville toppled into the common room. How he had managed to climb through the portrait hole was anyone's guess, **

George: Like a normal person?

**because his legs had been stuck together with what they recognized at once as the Leg-Locker Curse. **

George: Oh. I'll shut up now.

Ginny: Not going to happen.

George: You're right. I've dedicated most of my life to annoying people, why stop now?

**He must have had to bunny hop all the way up to Gryffindor tower.**

Neville: That was a long journey.

**Everyone fell over laughing **

Luna: You lot are polite, aren't you?

**except Hermione, who leapt up and performed the countercurse. **

Neville: Thanks for that.

**Neville's legs sprang apart and he got to his feet, trembling. **

**"What happened?" Hermione asked him, leading him over to sit with Harry and Ron.**

Neville: Don't ask.

**"Malfoy," said Neville shakily. "I met him outside the library. He said he'd been looking for someone to practice that on."**

Horace: At least he's practising spells.

(All looks at him, annoyed)

**"Go to Professor McGonagall!" Hermione urged Neville. **

Minerva: Why didn't you listen to her?

Neville: I was having enough trouble without being called a snitch as well.

Luna: Snitch? Why would they name you after a Quidditch ball?

Hermione: Snitch means tell-tale, Luna.

Luna: That explains a few things.

**"Report him!"**

**Neville shook his head.**

Luna: Neville!

**"I don't want more trouble," he mumbled.**

George: So you'd rather he walked all over you?

**"You've got to stand up to him, Neville!" said Ron. **

Hermione: Wow, he's actually right about something.

Ron: Hey!

**"He's used to walking all over people, **

George: What? Is his carpet made of dead people or something?

Harry: Probably.

**but that's no reason to lie down in front of him and make it easier."**

**"There's no need to tell me I'm not brave enough to be in Gryffindor, **

Ginny: (Gasp) Despicable!

**Malfoy's already done that," Neville choked out.**

Ron: Rule one of life, NEVER, EVER, _EVER_ listen to Malfoy!!

**Harry felt in the pocket of his robes and pulled out a Chocolate Frog, the very last one from the box Hermione had given him for Christmas. **

Hermione: You ate all of those that quickly.

Ron: That's partly my fault. Sorry.

**He gave it to Neville, who looked as though he might cry.**

All (except Neville): Awww.

**"You're worth twelve of Malfoy," Harry said. "The Sorting Hat chose you for Gryffindor, didn't it? And where's Malfoy? In stinking Slytherin."**

Horace: I resent the constant Slytherin-bashing.

Harry: We're Gryffindors, what do you expect?

Luna: And a Ravenclaw.

Harry :Sorry, Luna – and a Ravenclaw.

**Neville's lips twitched in a weak smile as he unwrapped the frog.**

**"Thanks, Harry... I think I'll go to bed... D'you want the card, **

Ron: YES!

**you collect them, don't you?"**

**As Neville walked away, Harry looked at the Famous Wizard card.**

**"Dumbledore again," **

Hermione: And this is where it all starts to come together.

**he said, "He was the first one I ever-"**

**He gasped. He stared at the back of the card. Then he looked up at Ron and Hermione.**

George: I'm so interested right now.

**"**_**I've found him!**_**" **

Ginny: What a coincidence.

**he whispered. "I've found Flamel! I **_**told**_** you I'd read the name somewhere before, I read it on the train coming here **

Horace: That's what I've been saying all along! Does nobody listen to me?

Neville: I'm sure they would if they could ACTUALLY HEAR YOU!!

– **listen to this: 'Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, **

Michael: Hey, that was the year we got married!

Harry: Whoa, you got married young, didn't you?

Michael: Min was 20 and I was 21.

Minerva: And we could not be happier, right now.

Michael: Well, we could be-

Ginny: Please, nothing about bedrooms or, in fact, any innuendo of any kind.

Michael: Spoil sport.

**for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, **_**and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel'**_**!"**

Hermione: HOORAY!

**Hermione jumped to her feet. She hadn't looked so excited since they'd gotten back the marks for their very first piece of homework.**

Minerva: It was a very good essay, as I remember, too.

**"Stay there!" she said, and she sprinted up the stairs to the girls' dormitories. **

Ginny: I would like to see you try and get up there.

(Harry and Ron look at each other).

**Harry and Ron barely had time to exchange mystified looks before she was dashing back, an enormous old book in her arms.**

Ron: Actually, it was really glued to her arms permanently.

**"I never thought to look in here!" she whispered excitedly. "I got this out of the library weeks ago for a bit of light reading."**

George: Only you could call that 'light reading'!

**"**_**Light?**_**" said Ron, but Hermione told him to be quiet until she'd looked something up, **

Ginny: I take it she's in charge, then?

**and started flicking frantically through the pages, muttering to herself.**

Michael: First sign of madness, that is.

Hermione: Been talking to yourself recently, Luna?

Luna: Frequently, actually…

George: Maybe it is true.

**At last she found what she was looking for.**

**"I knew it! I **_**knew**_** it!"**

Ron: Honestly, what don't you know?

**"Are we allowed to speak yet?" **

All (except Ron and Harry): NO!

**said Ron grumpily.**

**Hermione ignored him.**

**"Nicolas Flamel," she whispered dramatically, **

Horace: Ms Rowling likes the drama, does she not?

Luna: Obviously.

**"is the **_**only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone**_**!"**

Minerva: You had no idea what she was talking about, did you?

Harry and Ron: Nope!

**This didn't have quite the effect she'd expected.**

**"The what?" said Harry and Ron.**

**"Oh, **_**honestly**_**, don't you two read?**

Harry: Hey, we read…

Ron: Yeah, loads…

Michael: I have a feeling that that could be put up for a very lengthy debate.

**Look -- read that, there."**

**She pushed the book toward them, and Harry and Ron read: **

_**The ancient study of alchemy is concerned with making the Philosopher's Stone, a legendary substance with astonishing powers. **_

Harry: More than astonishing.

_**The stone will transform any metal into pure gold. **_

George: You didn't happen to have a spare one, did you, guys?

_**It also produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal.**_

_**There have been many reports of the Philosopher's Stone over the centuries, **_

Michael: All from greedy buggers who were looking to sell it on for a hefty price.

_**but the only Stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicolas Flamel, the noted alchemist and opera lover.**_

Neville: Why would anybody admit to that?

_**Mr. Flamel, who celebrated his six hundred and sixty-fifth birthday last year, **_

George: Bloody hell!

_**enjoys a quiet life in Devon with his wife, Perenelle (six hundred and fifty-eight).**_

Ginny: Whoa!

**"See?" said Hermione, when Harry and Ron had finished. "The dog must be guarding Flamel's Philosopher's Stone! **

Horace: I can't believe that you figured all that out.

Minerva: Give them their due, Horace, they're smart kids. Well, not kids anymore.

**I bet he asked Dumbledore to keep it safe for him, **

Luna: There's no safer place in the world than Hogwarts.

Ron: Supposedly…

**because they're friends and he knew someone was after it, that's why he wanted the Stone moved out of Gringotts!"**

Harry: Wow, Hermione.

**"A stone that makes gold and stops you from ever dying!" **

George: Sounds awesome.

**said Harry. "No wonder Snape's after it! **_**Anyone**_** would want it."**

Luna: I wouldn't.

Neville: If I had it, I'd give it to someone who really needed it.

**"And no wonder we couldn't find Flamel in that S**_**tudy of Recent Developments in Wizardry**_**," said Ron. "He's not exactly recent if he's six hundred and sixty-five, is he?"**

Ginny: Hey, Ron explained something!

Ron: Shut up.

**The next morning in Defence Against the Dark Arts, while copying down different ways of treating werewolf bites, **

Harry: Bloody Quirrell!

**Harry and Ron were still discussing what they'd do with a Philosopher's Stone if they had one. It wasn't until Ron said he'd buy his own Quidditch team **

Minerva: Dream big, don't you?

**that Harry remembered about Snape and the coming match.**

**"I'm going to play," **

Ginny: Too right, you are!

**he told Ron and Hermione. "If I don't, all the Slytherins will think I'm just too scared to face Snape. **

Michael: Sounds about right.

**I'll show them... it'll really wipe the smiles off their faces if we win."**

**"Just as long as we're not wiping you off the field," said Hermione.**

Ginny: So encouraging.

**As the match drew nearer, however, Harry became more and more nervous,**

Ron: You were like that for almost all of the Quidditch matches in our first year.

**whatever he told Ron and Hermione. The rest of the team wasn't too calm, either. **

George: Not with Oliver on to us every second of the day.

**The idea of overtaking Slytherin in the house championship was wonderful, **

Horace: No it's not!

**no one had done it for seven years, but would they be allowed to, with such a biased referee?**

Minerva: Yet they wouldn't let me referee.

**Harry didn't know whether he was imagining it or not, but he seemed to keep running into Snape wherever he went. **

George: Literally?

Hermione: Of course not. If he had, Gryffindor would have had much less house points.

Harry: I swear that man could be in twenty places at once, though.

**At times, he even wondered whether Snape was following him, **

Ron: Were you getting paranoid?

**trying to catch him on his own. Potions lessons were turning into a sort of weekly torture, **

Horace: Hope you didn't feel that way when I taught you.

Harry: Err… no… of course not…

**Snape was so horrible to Harry. **

Neville: He was horrible to all First-years, even Malfoy… occasionally.

**Could Snape possibly know they'd found out about the Philosopher's Stone? Harry didn't see how he could—yet he sometimes had the horrible feeling that Snape could read minds.**

Ginny: That's because he could.

**Harry knew, when they wished him good luck outside the changing rooms the next afternoon, that Ron and Hermione were wondering whether they'd ever see him alive again.**

George: Nice. Very nice.

Luna: You really are extremely pessimistic.

**This wasn't what you'd call comforting. **

Horace: No kidding.

**Harry hardly heard a word of Wood's pep talk **

George: The rest of us had all tuned out because it's dull as dishwater most of the time.

**as he pulled on his Quidditch robes and picked up his Nimbus Two Thousand.**

**Ron and Hermione, meanwhile, had found a place in the stands next to Neville, **

Neville: Better than having Hagrid sitting there.

**who couldn't understand why they looked so grim and worried, or why they had both brought their wands to the match. **

Luna: Why _had_ you brought you wands to the match?

Ron: You'll see.

**Little did Harry know that Ron and Hermione had been secretly practicing the Leg-Locker Curse. **

Harry: Really? For me? Thanks you guys.

**They'd gotten the idea from Malfoy using it on Neville, and were ready to use it on Snape if he showed any sign of wanting to hurt Harry.**

Michael: Showing some initiative in learning spells, at least.

**"Now, don't forget, it's **_**Locomotor Mortis**_**," Hermione muttered as Ron slipped his wand up his sleeve.**

Minerva: Thank your lucky stars that Alastor never saw you do that.

Hermione: Excuse me?

Minerva: Did he never tell you the story about the wizard who gave himself third degree burns when he had his wand up his sleeve?

Harry: No, but he told me the one about the person who blew their buttock off.

Michael: Oh, that one. I swear he made them up.

Horace: You don't say.

**"I **_**know**_**," Ron snapped. "Don't nag."**

**Back in the changing room, Wood had taken Harry aside.**

**"Don't want to pressure you, Potter, **

George: But he will anyway.

**but if we ever need an early capture of the Snitch it's now. Finish the game before Snape can favour Hufflepuff too much."**

Hermione: That's easier said than done. Boy, we're saying that a lot now.

Harry: HE had a point, though.

**"The whole school's out there!" **

Neville: They always are.

**said Fred Weasley, peering out of the door. "Even—blimey—Dumbledore's come to watch!"**

**Harry's heart did a somersault.**

Luna: Really? Ouch.

**"**_**Dumbledore?**_**" he said, dashing to the door to make sure. Fred was right. There was no mistaking that silver beard.**

George: But, wait, it wasn't Dumbledore, it was… Santa Claus!!

Neville: Nice, very nice.

**Harry could have laughed out loud with relief. He was safe. There was simply no way that Snape would dare to try to hurt him if Dumbledore was watching.**

Hermione: Or, in fact, if he wasn't.

**Perhaps that was why Snape was looking so angry **

Harry: Nope, that was permanent.

**as the teams marched onto the field, something that Ron noticed, too.**

**"I've never seen Snape look so mean," **

Luna: He always looked mean.

**he told Hermione. "Look—they're off. Ouch!"**

George: It would seem that, before he could move out of the way, Harry had already been hit by the Quaffle.

**Someone had poked Ron in the back of the head. **

(Ginny and George laugh).

Ron: It wasn't funny!

Ginny: Yes, it was.

**It was Malfoy.**

Ron: Git.

**"Oh, sorry, Weasley, didn't see you there."**

Harry: Git.

**Malfoy grinned broadly at Crabbe and Goyle.**

Hermione: Git.

Horace: Are you going to keep saying that?

Ron: I thought we already told you that it was inevitable.

**"Wonder how long Potter's going to stay on his broom this time? Anyone want a bet? **

Horace: Never challenge Minerva to a bet. Or a dare for that matter.

George: Professor, I dare you to –

Minerva: Get lost, George.

George: But I thought –

Minerva: We're not playing truth or dare right now.

**What about you, Weasley?"**

**Ron didn't answer; Snape had just awarded Hufflepuff a penalty because George Weasley had hit a Bludger at him.**

(All laugh).

George: Oh, so she can tell us apart now, then.

Hermione: I can't believe you sent a Bludger at him.

George: IT wasn't on purpose… much!

**Hermione, who had all her fingers crossed in her lap, was squinting fixedly at Harry, who was circling the game like a hawk, looking for the Snitch.**

Luna: Come on, Harry.

**"You know how I think they choose people for the Gryffindor team?" **

Ginny: Do enlighten us.

**said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for no reason at all. **

Ron: Ok, he was being an arse.

**"It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, **

All: GIT!

**then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money **

All: GIT!

**-- you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains."**

All: GIT!

**Neville went bright red but turned in his seat to face Malfoy.**

Ron: Come on Neville!

**"I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy," he stammered.**

Michael: Go Neville. You show them that they can't walk all over you!

**Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle howled with laughter, but Ron, still not daring to take his eyes from the game, said, "You tell him, Neville."**

Ginny: Encouraging.

**"Longbottom, if brains were gold you'd be poorer than Weasley, **

George: What the f–

Minerva: Watch your language, George.

**and that's saying something."**

**Ron's nerves were already stretched to the breaking point with anxiety about Harry.**

Harry: Cheers, mate.

**"I'm warning you, Malfoy—one more word—"**

George: And he'll turn you into a ferret.

**"Ron!" said Hermione suddenly, "Harry—!"**

**"What? Where?"**

Neville: On his broomstick, from what I can gather.

**Harry had suddenly gone into a spectacular dive, which drew gasps and cheers from the crowd. Hermione stood up, her crossed fingers in her mouth, **

Hermione: Um, no comment.

Luna: Then stop interrupting.

**as Harry streaked toward the ground like a bullet.**

"**You're in luck, Weasley, Potter's obviously spotted some money on the ground!" said Malfoy.**

All: Git!

Michael: Horace? Insulting your precious Snakes? What's wrong with you today?

Ginny: The same thing that's wrong with him everyday.

Horace: Enlighten me as to what that might be.

George: Well…

Hermione: Don't even think about it.

**Ron snapped. Before Malfoy knew what was happening, Ron was on top of him, wrestling him to the ground.**

Harry: I so wish I could have seen that.

Luna: You can, if you can find a Pensieve.

Neville: Oh Merlin's beard, you really do belong in Ravenclaw.

**Neville hesitated, then clambered over the back of his seat to help.**

Ron: Cheers for that.

Neville: Well, I didn't do a very good job.

Ron: Nonsense, you kept Crabbe and Goyle off me.

**"Come on, Harry!" Hermione screamed, leaping onto her seat **

George: Getting into it, Hermione?

**to watch as Harry sped straight at Snape—she didn't even notice Malfoy and Ron rolling around under her seat, **

Ron: Thanks for that.

Hermione: I wasn't looking your way.

Ginny: You moan about us being so engrossed in Quidditch matches.

**or the scuffles and yelps coming from the whirl of fists that was Neville, Crabbe, and Goyle.**

Harry: That reminds me of the old Muggle cartoons that Dudley used to watch.

**Up in the air, Snape turned on his broomstick just in time to see something scarlet shoot past him, missing him by inches**

George: Damn. You were a bit out, mate.

Harry: I wonder what would have happened if I had hit him.

Minerva: I can't believe you would even ask that.

—**the next second, Harry had pulled out of the dive, his arm raised in triumph, the Snitch clasped in his hand.**

All (except Horace): GO HARRY!

**The stands erupted; it had to be a record, no one could ever remember the Snitch being caught so quickly.**

Ginny: How would she know what everybody could remember?

Horace: Well, there was a match, when I was a boy-

Minerva: -In the Iron Age.

Horace: - when the Seeker, I think he was Irish, caught the Snitch within about three minutes.

Harry: Thanks. Really, thanks. I wanted my childhood dreams crushed like that.

Michael: It's got to be a Hogwarts record, though.

**"Ron! Ron! Where are you? The game's over! Harry's won! We've won! Gryffindor is in the lead!" shrieked Hermione, dancing **

George: To the conga, along with the rest of Gryffindor house. Though Ron was surprised to see Professor Dumbledore at the start of it. On second thoughts, that was actually not so strange.

**up and down on her seat and hugging Parvati Patil in the row in front. **

**Harry jumped off his broom, **

Ron: And broke his leg.

Harry: HEY!

George: As long as you don't get Lockhart to fix it.

**a foot from the ground. He couldn't believe it. He'd done it—the game was over; it had barely lasted five minutes. **

Neville: Well done, Harry.

**As Gryffindors came spilling onto the field, he saw Snape land nearby, white-faced and tight-lipped**

Hermione: He really wanted Gryffindor to lose, didn't he?

Minerva: Sorry, my fault. We had a bet going on that match.

Horace: You have a bet going on a lot of matches.

Michael: Are you implying that she's a gambler.

Horace: NO…

—**then Harry felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into Dumbledore's smiling face.**

Ginny: And beard.

**"Well done," said Dumbledore quietly, so that only Harry could hear. "Nice to see you haven't been brooding about that mirror... been keeping busy... excellent..."**

Neville: O-kay.

Luna: Is it just me or does he sound like he's trying to console someone who recently lost a relative, or something?

Hermione: Actually, yes he does.

**Snape spat bitterly on the ground.**

Minerva and Luna: That is disgusting.

**Harry left the changing room alone some time later, to take his Nimbus Two Thousand back to the broomshed. **

Harry: I never liked leaving it in there.

**He couldn't ever remember feeling happier. He'd really done something to be proud of now—**

Harry: Nothing quite like that feeling.

**no one could say he was just a famous name any more. **

Ron: From now on he shall be known as Harry James 'AWESOMENESS' Potter.

**The evening air had never smelled so sweet. He walked over the damp grass, reliving the last hour in his head, which was a happy blur: Gryffindors running to lift him onto their shoulders; **

Michael: That has to be the best part.

Neville: How so?

Michael: Everyone just seems so… together.

Horace: What he really means is that when he was on the Quidditch team he loved lifting the Seeker onto his shoulders because he could touch her ass without anyone thinking any more of it.

Minerva: Stop being such a jerk.

**Ron and Hermione in the distance, jumping up and down, Ron cheering through a heavy nosebleed.**

Hermione: Anything to show the team spirit, eh, Ron?

Ron: Very true.

**Harry had reached the shed. **

Neville: Riveting.

**He leaned against the wooden door and looked up at Hogwarts, with its windows glowing red in the setting sun. **

George: Yeah, they look like demon eyes.

**Gryffindor in the lead.**

Ginny, Harry, Ron and George: GO, GO GRYFFINDOR! GO, GO GRYFFINDOR!

**He'd done it, he'd shown Snape...**

Luna: GO HARRY!

**And speaking of Snape...**

Neville: I don't like the sound of this.

**A hooded figure came swiftly down the front steps of the castle. Clearly not wanting to be seen,**

Horace: That's not going to happen. Perhaps you should have left it alone.

Minerva: Yeah, like that would happen.

**it walked as fast as possible toward the forbidden forest. **

**Harry's victory faded from his mind as he watched. He recognized the figure's prowling walk. **

Neville: That's interesting.

**Snape, sneaking into the forest while everyone else was at dinner—what was going on?**

Ginny: Aye, aye, aye.

**Harry jumped back on his Nimbus Two Thousand and took off. Gliding silently over the castle **

Neville: That high, really?

**he saw Snape enter the forest at a run. **

Hermione: I never would have thought he could run.

**He followed.**

**The trees were so thick he couldn't see where Snape had gone. **

Ron: That's always useful.

**He flew in circles, lower and lower, brushing the top branches of trees until he heard voices. He glided toward them and landed noiselessly in a towering beech tree.**

Luna: Don't let the Bowtruckles get you.

**He climbed carefully along one of the branches, holding tight to his broomstick, trying to see through the leaves. **

Neville: Don't fall out of the tree, either.

**Below, in a shadowy clearing, stood Snape, but he wasn't alone. **

George: He wouldn't be talking to himself, would he?

**Quirrell** **was there, too. **

Horace: Why him? He's so boring!

Michael: Like someone else I know.

**Harry couldn't make out the look on his face, but he was stuttering worse than ever. **

Ron: Is that possible?

**Harry strained to catch what they were saying.**

**"... d-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet here of all p-places, Severus..."**

Hermione: It's not hard to guess.

**"Oh, I thought we'd keep this private," said Snape, his voice icy. "Students aren't supposed to know about the Philosopher's Stone, after all."**

Minerva: Or be in the Forbidden Forest.

**Harry leaned forward. Quirrell was mumbling something. **

George: Nothing uncommon there.

**Snape interrupted him.**

**"Have you found out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's yet?"**

Luna: It's not a beast!

**"B-b-but Severus, I—"**

**"You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell," **

Ginny: Nobody does.

**said Snape, taking a step toward him.**

**"I-I don't know what you—"**

**"You know perfectly well what I mean."**

Neville: He was very intimidating.

**An owl hooted loudly, and Harry nearly fell out of the tree. **

Ron: Typical.

Harry: Why do things like that happen at the important parts of the conversation?

**He steadied himself in time to hear Snape say, "—your little bit of hocus-pocus. **

Minerva: Hocus pocus?

**I'm waiting."**

**"B-but I d-d-don't—"**

**"Very well," Snape cut in. "We'll have another little chat soon, **

Harry: He's just making himself look guilty.

Hermione: You shouldn't have been eavesdropping, though.

**when you've had time to think things over and decided where your loyalties lie."**

Horace: Minerva, he sounds like you!

Minerva: You needed a kick up the arse, Horace, so I said it, okay?

**He threw his cloak over his head and strode out of the clearing. It was almost dark now, but Harry could see Quirrell, standing quite still as though he was petrified.**

Harry: Maybe he knew I was watching.

**"Harry, where have you **_**been**_**?" **

George: I have… _seen._

Ginny: Shut IT!

**Hermione squeaked.**

George: ARGH! She's turning into a gerbil.

Ron: Don't be stupid, she's just turning into Flitwick.

**"We won! **

Ginny: WE?

Ron: We're a team.

**You won! We won!" shouted Ron, thumping Harry on the back. "And I gave Malfoy a black eye, **

Luna: Really?

Ginny: Sure you weren't elaborating a little?

Hermione: No, he actually did.

**and Neville tried to take on Crabbe and Goyle single-handed! **

(Neville goes red).

Luna: Brave guy.

**He's still out cold but Madam Pomfrey says he'll be all right**

Ginny: Ron, that was so insensitive!

—**talk about showing Slytherin! **

Horace: BOO!

Minerva: Horace, us Gryffindors do it in style!

George: It's not our fault that our insane awesomeness is too much for you.

**Everyone's waiting for you in the common room, we're having a party, Fred and George stole some cakes and stuff from the kitchens."**

Neville: Yeah, because that's something to be proud about.

George: Technically, we didn't steal anything. The House Elves are so eager to give you what you want that it really doesn't matter.

Hermione: So, rather than stealing, you took advantage of Elves?

George: I wouldn't put it quite like that.

**"Never mind that now," said Harry breathlessly. "Let's find an empty room, you wait 'til you hear this..."**

Michael: First eavesdropping, now gossiping? Whatever will become of you, Harry?

**He made sure Peeves wasn't inside before shutting the door behind them, **

Ron: Good decision.

**then he told them what he'd seen and heard.**

"**So we were right, it **_**is**_** the Philosopher's Stone, **

Horace: Severus blew it.

**and Snape's trying to force Quirrell to help him get it. **

Luna: Not exactly.

**He asked if he knew how to get past Fluffy—and he said something about Quirrell's 'hocus pocus'**

Hermione: I can't believe he actually said that.

—**I reckon there are other things guarding the stone apart from Fluffy, loads of enchantments, probably, **

Minerva: Oh, you figured it out. We're not stupid enough to just let Fluffy guard the Stone.

Ron: Tell me about it.

**and Quirrell would have done some anti-Dark Arts spell **

Ginny: Really well put.

**that Snape needs to break through—"**

**"So you mean the Stone's only safe as long as Quirrell stands up to Snape?" **

Michael: If that was true, Hogwarts had no hope.

**said Hermione in alarm.**

**"It'll be gone by next Tuesday," said Ron.**

Neville: So optimistic!

Luna: Anyways, I'd like to read now.


	14. Norbert!

**Chapter 14 Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback.**

Minerva: Norwegian Ridgeback? Oh my… I cannot believe this.

Michael: What is it, darling?

(Minerva just silently stares at the book and shakes her head).

**Quirrell, however, must have been braver than they'd thought.**

Horace: Really?

**In the weeks that followed he did seem to be getting paler and thinner, **

Neville: But he was always fairly pale and thin.

**but it didn't look as though he'd cracked yet.**

Minerva: As if by some miracle.

**Every time they passed the third-floor corridor, Harry, Ron, and Hermione would press their ears to the door to check that Fluffy was still growling inside. **

George: ROAR!

Ginny: O-kay.

**Snape was sweeping about in his usual bad temper,**

George: Scaring First-years and not noticing that he was still wearing his fluffy slippers.

**which surely meant that the Stone was still safe. Whenever Harry passed Quirrell these days he gave him an encouraging sort of smile, **

Luna: Aww, that was nice of you, Harry.

**and Ron had started telling people off for laughing at Quirrell's stutter.**

George: What'd you do that for?

**Hermione, however, had more on her mind than the Philosopher's Stone. **

Ron: I don't see how.

Hermione: Well, Ronald, I have a brain large enough in capacity to be able to entertain more than one thought at a time.

Ginny: That told you.

**She had started drawing up study schedules and colour-coding all her notes.**

**Harry and Ron wouldn't have minded, but she kept nagging them to do the same.**

Horace: You should have listened to her.

**"Hermione, the exams are ages away."**

**"Ten weeks," Hermione snapped. "That's not ages, **

Luna: That's true.

**that's like a second to Nicolas Flamel."**

Michael: Ah, using their thoughts to prove your point. 

**"But we're not six hundred years old," Ron reminded her.**

Neville: You had to be reminded of that?

**"Anyway, what are you studying for, you already know it all."**

Horace: Doesn't mean you won't forget it.

**"What am I studying for? Are you crazy? **

Harry and Ron: YES!

**You realize we need to pass these exams to get into the second year? They're very important, I should have started studying a month ago, I don't know what's gotten into me..."**

Michael: I think ten weeks is plenty of time.

Minerva: You would say that, you started studying the day before each exam.

Michael: I passed them all, though.

**Unfortunately, the teachers seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Hermione.**

Horace: Why should that be unfortunate? They were looking out for you.

**They piled so much homework on them **

Ginny: And there's your answer.

**that the Easter holidays weren't nearly as much fun as the Christmas ones.**

**It was hard to relax with Hermione next to you reciting the twelve uses of dragon's blood**

Michael: A wound healer.

Hermione: Apparently, it can help you to understand the language of birds.

Michael: Oven cleaner.

Hermione: Soap.

Michael: A certain type of alcoholic beverage.

Hermione: Lubricants.

Michael: It's used in some Muggle medicines, of course they don't know what it really is.

Hermione: They use it to melt away snow.

Michael: For testing new breakthroughs in the treatment of illnesses.

Hermione: Fertiliser.

Michael: Dyes.

Hermione: It is supposed to increase the potency of love potions.

Harry: How would you know that?

Hermione: I read!

George: SWOTS!

**or practicing wand movements. **

Ron: I wouldn't have minded if she didn't keep hitting me in the process.

**Moaning and yawning, **

Ginny: As usual.

**Harry and Ron spent most of their free time in the library with her, trying to get through all their extra work.**

Ron: You could have just helped us, you know.

Hermione: That would get you nowhere.

Ron: But it would get our work done.

**"I'll never remember this," **

Neville: Sure you will.

**Ron burst out one afternoon, throwing down his quill and looking longingly out of the library window. It was the first really fine day they'd had in months.**

Horace: That's what you get for building a school in Scotland.

**The sky was a clear, forget-me-not blue, **

Harry: Never heard that one before.

**and there was a feeling in the air of summer coming.**

**Harry, who was looking up "Dittany" **

Neville: Interesting subject that, I –

Ron: Please, Neville, not now.

**in **_**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi**_**, didn't look up until he heard Ron say, "Hagrid! **

Neville: What was he doing in the library?

**What are you doing in the library?"**

Hermione: Reading?

George: Can he read?

**Hagrid shuffled into view, hiding something behind his back. **

Luna: Not very good at concealing things, is he?

Minerva: Why do you think he never went on any Order missions that needed secrecy?

Horace: Because old Dumbles had you for that.

Minerva: Damn right.

**He looked very out of place in his moleskin overcoat.**

Neville: He looked out of place almost anywhere.

**"Jus' lookin'," he said, in a shifty voice that got their interest at once. **

**"An' what're you lot up ter?" **

Ron: Why do they always assume that we're up to something?

Minerva: You honestly don't know the answer to that one?

**He looked suddenly suspicious. **

Ron: Why all the suspicion?

Minerva: Again, you don't know the answer to that?

**"Yer not still lookin' fer Nicolas Flamel, are yeh?"**

Harry: Nope.

**"Oh, we found out who he is ages ago," said Ron impressively. **

George: Yeah, that's really impressive.

**"**_**And**_** we know what that dog's guarding, it's a Philosopher's St—"**

Michael: Don't say it!

**"**_**Shhhh!**_**" Hagrid looked around quickly to see if anyone was listening. "Don' go shoutin' about it, what's the matter with yeh?"**

Minerva: Ah, he has some sense!

**"There are a few things we wanted to ask you, as a matter of fact," said Harry, **

Horace: That does not seem good.

**"about what's guarding the Stone apart from Fluffy—"**

Michael: Hagrid, keep your mouth shut. Tell them nothing!

Luna: He can't hear you.

Michael: I know!

**"SHHHH!" said Hagrid again. "Listen—come an' see me later, I'm not promisin' I'll tell yeh anythin', **

Minerva: He might as well have, the way he was going.

**mind, but don' go rabbitin' about it in here, students aren' s'pposed ter know. They'll think I've told yeh—"**

Harry: Well, he told us most of it.

**"See you later, then," said Harry.**

**Hagrid shuffled off.**

**"What was he hiding behind his back?" said Hermione thoughtfully.**

Horace: Do we even want to know?

**"Do you think it had anything to do with the Stone?"**

Hermione: I wouldn't think so.

**"I'm going to see what section he was in," said Ron, who'd had enough of working.**

Ginny: You were actually working?

**He came back a minute later with a pile of books in his arms and slammed them down on the table.**

Horace: So disrespectful.

Michael: I'm surprised Irma didn't have your guts for garters.

**"**_**Dragons!**_**" he whispered. "Hagrid was looking up stuff about dragons! **

Luna: How do you know?

**Look at these: **_**Dragon Species of Great Britain and Ireland; From Egg to Inferno, A Dragon Keeper's Guide**_**."**

Ginny: I would say that's a pretty good indication.

**"Hagrid's always wanted a dragon, he told me so the first time I ever met him," said Harry.**

**"But it's against our laws," **

Harry: That won't stop him.

**said Ron. "Dragon breeding was outlawed by the Warlocks' Convention of 1709, **

Ginny: Ron, d-did you actually, properly, read a book to find that out?

Ron: No, Charlie told me.

Ginny: Oh, that's a shame.

**everyone knows that. **

George: Do they?

**It's hard to stop Muggles from noticing us if we're keeping dragons in the back garden**

Neville: Really?

—**anyway, you can't tame dragons, it's dangerous. You should see the burns Charlie's got off wild ones in Romania."**

Luna: Maybe he should have been more careful.

Neville: Luna, they're talking about huge, live, fearsome dragons. It's pretty dangerous even if you are being careful.

**"But there aren't wild dragons in _Britain_?" said Harry.**

Luna: Yes there are.

**"Of course there are," said Ron. "Common Welsh Green **

Luna: I saw one of those on holiday in Cardiff.

Harry: You saw one in Cardiff?

Luna: It was somewhere around there… I think…

Harry: That's reassuring.

**and Hebridean Blacks. The Ministry of Magic has a job hushing them up, I can tell you. **

George: And that's nothing to do with their size.

Minerva: Nope, it's because half of them couldn't do their jobs properly.

**Our kind **

Harry: Careful, you're starting to sound like the Dursleys.

Ron: Do not insult me so!

**have to keep putting spells on Muggles who've spotted them, to make them forget."**

Hermione: It's called _obliviating_, Ron.

**"So what on earth's Hagrid up to?" said Hermione.**

Ginny: Three guesses.

**When they knocked on the door of the gamekeeper's hut **

George: Not calling him Hagrid any more?

**an hour later, they were surprised to see that all the curtains were closed.**

Horace: Uh oh, what's he been up to this time?

**Hagrid called "Who is it?" before he let them in, and then shut the door quickly behind them.**

George: Maybe he was embarrassed to have you in his hut.

Ron: Charming.

**It was stifling hot inside. **

Hermione: And it was made of wood.

**Even though it was such a warm day, there was a blazing fire in the grate.**

Luna: What was that for?

Neville: I'm guessing that we're about to find out.

**Hagrid made them tea and offered them stoat sandwiches, **

Minerva: Never except Hagrid's cooking. Under any circumstance. Not even if you're wasting away.

**which they refused.**

Michael: Wise move.

**"So—yeh wanted to ask me somethin'?"**

Horace: And, whatever it is, you'll probably tell them the answers.

**"Yes," said Harry. There was no point beating around the bush. **

Minerva: There is and it is called subtlety.

**"We were wondering if you could tell us what's guarding the Philosopher's Stone apart from Fluffy."**

Minerva: He can tell you.

Michael: And he probably will.

**Hagrid frowned at him.**

**"O' course I can't," **

Harry: Yes he can.

**he said. "Number one, I don' know meself. **

Michael: Liar.

Minerva: Actually, he didn't know what we put in there.

**Number two, yeh know too much already, so I wouldn' tell yeh if I could. **

Minerva: Liar.

**That Stone's here fer a good reason. It was almost stolen outta Gringotts—I s'ppose yeh've worked that out an' all? **

Ron: We do the job thoroughly.

**Beats me how yeh even know abou' Fluffy."**

Horace: Surely he knew what you were like by then.

**"Oh, come on, Hagrid, you might not want to tell us, but you _do_ know, **

Hermione: And you will tell us.

**you know everything that goes on round here," **

Ginny: No, he really doesn't.

**said Hermione in a warm, flattering voice. **

Horace: Are you sure you weren't a secret Slytherin?

**Hagrid's beard twitched and they could tell he was smiling. **

Minerva: I must remember that.

Harry: Why?

Minerva: Because I tend to go for the intimidating threatening side rather than the flattering pleasant side.

**"We only wondered who had **_**done**_** the guarding, really." Hermione went on. "We wondered who Dumbledore had trusted enough to help him, apart from you."**

Horace: That is bound to work. You are too clever.

**Hagrid's chest swelled at these last words. **

Michael: That is a very intelligent game you're playing, there.

**Harry and Ron beamed at Hermione.**

**"Well, I don' s'pose it could hurt ter tell yeh that... **

Minerva: ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE IT COULD!!!

**let's see... he borrowed Fluffy from me... **

George: Borrowed? He wants it back?

**then some o' the teachers did enchantments... Professor Sprout—Professor Flitwick—Professor McGonagall—" **

Minerva: Oh, Hagrid. When will he learn?

**he ticked them off on his fingers, **

Horace: That's the only way he knows how to count.

Everyone else: SHUT UP!

**"Professor Quirrell—an' Dumbledore himself did somethin', o' course. Hang on, I've forgotten someone. Oh yeah, Professor Snape."**

**"_Snape?_"**

Michael: You seem so surprised.

Harry: Well, as I've said, he just made himself look so guilty.

**"Yeah—yer not still on abou' that, are yeh? **

Hermione: We never give up when we've got an idea in our heads.

**Look, Snape helped _protect_ the Stone, he's not about ter steal it."**

Horace: Who would've thought it, Hagrid knows something.

**Harry knew Ron and Hermione were thinking the same as he was. If Snape had been in on protecting the Stone, it must have been easy to find out how the other teachers had guarded it. **

Minerva: We're none of us stupid enough to tell anyone what we put down there, not even each other.

**He probably knew everything—except, it seemed, Quirrell's spell and how to get past Fluffy.**

Hermione: It was actually simpler than I would have thought.

**"You're the only one who knows how to get past Fluffy, aren't you, Hagrid?" **

Minerva: Nope.

**said Harry anxiously. "And you wouldn't tell anyone, would you? Not even one of the teachers?"**

Neville: He'd tell you three, why not.

**"Not a soul knows except me an' Dumbledore," said Hagrid proudly.**

Minerva: And me.

Harry: He told you?

Minerva: Please don't say it in that tone, and, no, Hagrid didn't, I already knew. I had encountered one once before.

George: I don't think I want to know.

**"Well, that's something," Harry muttered to the others. "Hagrid, can we have a window open? I'm boiling."**

Ginny: Ooh, somebody's got a lot of self confidence.

Harry: No, I meant that I was really hot.

Ginny: Oh, Harry, you're so modest.

Harry: I can't win here, can I?

All else: NO!

**"Can't, Harry, sorry," said Hagrid. Harry noticed him glance at the fire. Harry looked at it, too.**

George: Really? I always wanted to know that.

**"Hagrid—what's _that_?"**

George: Snape's head boiling in a pot over the fire.

**But he already knew what it was. **

Ron: Really?

Harry: I had a hunch.

**In the very heart of the fire, underneath the kettle, was a huge, black egg.**

George: It was the spawn of the devil himself.

Hermione: Shut up.

**"Ah," said Hagrid, fiddling nervously with his beard, "That's er..."**

Michael: No point in lying, Hagrid; they'll find out any way.

**"Where did you get it, Hagrid?" said Ron, crouching over the fire to get a closer look at the egg. "It must've cost you a fortune."**

Luna: Somehow, I don't think so.

**"Won it," said Hagrid. **

Minerva: Did he figure out how suspect that sounds?

**"Las' night. I was down in the village havin' a few drinks an' got into a game o' cards with a stranger. Think he was quite glad ter get rid of it, ter be honest."**

George: You would be though, wouldn't you? I mean, it's illegal.

Ginny: I think Hagrid knew that.

**"But what are you going to do with it when it's hatched?" said Hermione.**

Horace: He doesn't think that far ahead.

**"Well, I've bin doin' some readin'", **

Horace: Watch out, this could be dangerous.

Harry and Ron: Shut up.

**said Hagrid, pulling a large book from under his pillow. "Got this outta the library**

Neville: No way.

—_**Dragon Breeding for Pleasure and Profit**_

George: Must… not… comment…

—**it's a bit outta date, o' course, but it's all in here. **

Hermione: Of course it is.

**Keep the egg in the fire, 'cause their mothers breathe on I 'em, see, an' when it hatches, feed it on a bucket o' brandy mixed with chicken blood every half hour. **

Ron: Sounds appetizing.

**An' see here—how ter recognize diff'rent egg—what I got there's a Norwegian Ridgeback. They're rare, them."**

Michael: And vicious.

**He looked very pleased with himself, but Hermione didn't.**

**"Hagrid, you live in a **_**wooden house**_**," she said.**

Minerva: FINALLY! Someone with enough brains to figure that out!

**But Hagrid wasn't listening. He was humming merrily as he stoked the fire.**

George: I can't imagine Hagrid humming in tune.

Minerva: He doesn't… he yodels.

Ginny: WHAT?

Minerva: Don't make me repeat it, please. He wrecked my hearing enough with that.

George (looking at the ceiling): I thank thee, o mighty Hogwarts, for providing me with this amazing blackmail material.

Hermione: You're going to blackmail Hagrid?

George: Yes. Your point is?

Hermione: That is my point.

**So now they had something else to worry about: what might happen to Hagrid if anyone found out he was hiding an illegal dragon in his hut.**

Luna: I would like to see that.

Harry: As if we didn't have enough on our plates.

**"Wonder what it's like to have a peaceful life," Ron sighed,**

Hermione: I'm afraid we'll never know.

**as evening after evening they struggled through all the extra homework they were getting. **

George: I've just thought-

Ginny: ARGH! Look out!

George: -why was it called homework when we were still at school when we had to do it?

Michael: Hogwarts is home to many people.

Minerva: And we didn't know what else to call it.

**Hermione had now started making study schedules for Harry and Ron, too.**

Ron: Err… yeah… thanks for that.

Hermione: You would never get anything done without them.

**It was driving them nuts.**

Hermione: WHAT?

(Harry and Ron duck underneath the table).

**Then, one breakfast time, Hedwig brought Harry another note from Hagrid. He had written only two words: **

Horace: That's all he knew.

_**It's hatching.**_

Luna: Uh oh.

**Ron wanted to skip Herbology and go straight down to the hut. **

Neville: Why would you want to do that?

Ron: Not all of us enjoyed Herbology, Neville.

**Hermione wouldn't hear of it.**

Minerva: I should think not.

**"Hermione, how many times in our lives are we going to see a dragon hatching?"**

Hermione: Hopefully none because it's illegal.

**"We've got lessons, we'll get into trouble, and that's nothing to what Hagrid's going to be in when someone finds out what he's doing—"**

Michael: Breaking a law which could risk our exposure to Muggles; straight to Azkaban, I'd say.

**"Shut up!" Harry whispered.**

Luna: Polite.

**Malfoy was only a few feet away and he had stopped dead to listen. How much had he heard? **

Ginny: Probably a lot.

**Harry didn't like the look on Malfoy's face at all.**

George: Ugly git.

Harry: That's not quite what I meant.

**Ron and Hermione argued all the way to Herbology and in the end, Hermione agreed to run down to Hagrid's with the other two during morning break. **

Michael: It's good to know that you learned how to compromise.

**When the bell sounded from the castle at the end of their lesson, the three of them dropped their trowels at once and hurried through the grounds to the edge of the forest. Hagrid greeted them, looking flushed and excited.**

Neville: Is that good or bad?

**"It's nearly out." He ushered them inside.**

(George starts humming the funeral march).

**The egg was lying on the table. There were deep cracks in it. Something was moving inside; **

Neville: That's because it was a live dragon.

**a funny clicking noise was coming from it.**

**They all drew their chairs up to the table and watched with bated breath.**

Luna: Don't hold your breath too long.

Neville: It's just an expression, Luna.

**All at once there was a scraping noise and the egg split open. The baby dragon flopped onto the table. **

Ginny: That sounds so interesting.

**It wasn't exactly pretty;** **Harry thought it looked like a crumpled, black umbrella. **

Michael: That's actually quite accurate.

Hermione: Just don't get it mixed up with Hagrid's pink one.

**Its spiny wings were huge compared to its skinny jet black body, it had a long snout with wide nostrils, the stubs of horns and bulging, orange eyes.**

Horace: Minnie, it's you!

Minerva: Don't make me come over there!

**It sneezed. **

Luna: Awww.

Horace: You're the maternal type, then?

**A couple of sparks flew out of its snout.**

George: And set Hagrid's beard on fire.

**"Isn't he _beautiful_?" Hagrid murmured. **

Ron: Err, if you're sure.

**He reached out a hand to stroke the dragon's head. It snapped at his fingers, showing pointed fangs. **

Luna: Aww, sweet.

**"Bless him, look, he knows his mummy!" said Hagrid.**

Neville: Riiiiiiiiiiight…

**"Hagrid," said Hermione, "how fast do Norwegian Ridgebacks grow, exactly?"**

Ron: Oh, you don't want to know!

**Hagrid was about to answer when the colour suddenly drained from his face—he leapt to his feet and ran to the window.**

Hermione: I never knew he could move so fast.

**"What's the matter?"**

Minerva: The fact that he has an illegal dragon in his wooden house? What isn't the matter?

**"Someone was lookin' through the gap in the curtains—it's a kid—he's runnin' back up ter the school."**

Neville: Oh no.

**Harry bolted to the door and looked out. Even at a distance there was no mistaking **

**him.**

Neville: That sounds bad.

**Malfoy had seen the dragon.**

(Minerva puts her head in her hands).

Minerva: It's days like these when I wish I'd listened to my father and become a nun.

Michael: Don't be daft; I know you can do anything, but you'd never be able to do that.

Minerva: True, I could never live without you. (She kisses him softly).

Ginny and Hermione: Aww.

(Ron and Horace could be heard in the background making gagging and wretching noises).

**Something about the smile lurking on Malfoy's face during the next week made Harry, Ron, and Hermione very nervous. **

Hermione (mumbling): Lousy ferret.

**They spent most of their free time in Hagrid's darkened hut, trying to reason with him.**

Ginny: That might take a while.

Neville: Yeah, good luck with that.

**"Just let him go," Harry urged. "Set him free."**

George (singing): I want to break free. I want to break free.

Minerva: I want to break free from this room and meet some sane people.

**"I can't," said Hagrid. "He's too little. He'd die."**

Michael: He really is too considerate.

**They looked at the dragon. It had grown three times in length in just a week. **

Neville: Is she exaggerating?

Ron and Harry: NO!

**Smoke kept furling out of its nostrils. Hagrid hadn't been doing his game-keeping duties because the dragon was keeping him so busy. **

Minerva: Nice to know he values his job and has his priorities straight.

**There were empty brandy bottles and chicken feathers all over the floor.**

Luna: Eww, don't tell me he killed the chickens himself.

**"I've decided to call him Norbert," **

George: Nice name.

**said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. "He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?"**

Neville: Mummy?

**"He's lost his marbles," Ron muttered in Harry's ear.**

Horace: Don't be so rude.

Ron: It was the truth, though!

**"Hagrid," said Harry loudly, "give it two weeks and Norbert's going to be as long as your house. **

Hermione: Little over-exaggeration, there.

Harry: It worked, didn't it?

**Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment."**

Minerva: Oh no, it was much worse.

Horace: How so?

Harry: You'll see.

**Hagrid bit his lip.**

**"I—I know I can't keep him forever, but I can't jus' dump him, I can't."**

Michael: His heart is far too big.

**Harry suddenly turned to Ron. **

**"Charlie," he said.**

Ron: No, it's Ron!

**"You're losing it, too," said Ron. "I'm Ron, remember?"**

(All laugh).

Ginny: Ron, you idiot.

**"No—Charlie—your brother, Charlie. In Romania. Studying dragons. **

Ron: Yes, I do know my own brother.

**We could send Norbert to him.  
**George: BRANWAVE!

Ginny: Don't you mean _BRAIN_wave?

George: No, branwave!

**Charlie can take care of him and then put him back in the wild!"**

Neville: Great idea!

**"Brilliant!" **

Harry: I know.

Hermione: Careful, any more compliments and his head will have swelled so much that he can't get out of the door.

**said Ron. "How about it, Hagrid?"**

**And in the end, Hagrid agreed that they could send an owl to Charlie to ask him.**

Hermione: It took a _lot _of persuasion, though.

George: Again, must… not… comment…

**The following week dragged by. Wednesday night found Hermione and Harry sitting alone in the common room, **

George: Ooooh.

**long after everyone else had gone to bed.**

George: Oh, this is just too good for blackmail material.

**The clock on the wall had just chimed midnight when the portrait hole burst open. **

Hermione: Oh, how convenient.

**Ron appeared out of nowhere as he pulled off Harry's invisibility cloak.**

George: And Hermione jumped feet into the air as Harry thought he was going to have a heart attack.

**He had been down at Hagrid's hut, helping him feed Norbert, who was now eating dead rats by the crate.**

Luna: It would have cost Hagrid a fortune to keep feeding him.

**"It bit me!" he said, showing them his hand, which was wrapped in a bloody handkerchief. **

Ginny: Maybe you should have kept your hand out of the way.

Ron: I was feeding it! I don't think that's possible.

**"I'm not going to be able to hold a quill for a week. I tell you, that dragon's the most horrible animal I've ever met, **

Ginny: Even worse than Fluffy?

Ron: Well…

**but the way Hagrid goes on about it, you'd think it was a fluffy little bunny rabbit. **

Neville: It's Hagrid, what do you expect?

**When it bit me he told me off for frightening it. **

Hermione: He definitely was losing it.

**And when I left, he was singing it a lullaby."**

Horace: I'm glad I wasn't there to hear that.

Minerva: Lucky sod. You should hear him when he's hammered.

**There was a tap on the dark window.**

George: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Neville: Johnny?

George: It's from an old Muggle horror movie I saw once. Completely by accident, of course.

Harry: Of course.

**"It's Hedwig!" said Harry, hurrying to let her in. "She'll have Charlie's answer!"**

**The three of them put their heads together to read the note.**

Luna: Don't bang them together.

_**Dear Ron,**_

_**How are you? **_

Ron: Just trying to keep the half-giant gamekeeper away from Azkaban by getting rid of his illegal baby dragon called Norbert. Otherwise, pretty normal.

_**Thanks for the letter—I'd be glad to take the Norwegian Ridgeback, but it won't be easy getting him here. **_

George: Charlie doesn't muck about, does he?

_**I think the best thing will be to send him over with some friends of mine who are coming to visit me next week. **_

Luna: Wouldn't it be better to have trained experts transferring an illegal Norwegian Ridgeback?

Ginny: Yeah, but it'd attract all the wrong attention, considering it came from Hogwarts.

_**Trouble is, they mustn't be seen carrying an illegal dragon.**_

Neville: Yes, that is somewhat problematic.

_**Could you get the Ridgeback up the tallest tower at midnight on Saturday? **_

Minerva: NO!

_**They can meet you there and take him away while it's still dark.**_

_**Send me an answer as soon as possible.**_

_**Love,**_

_**Charlie**_

**They looked at one another.**

Ginny: Ooh, interesting.

**"We've got the invisibility cloak," said Harry. "It shouldn't be too difficult**

Michael: Famous last words.

—**I think the cloaks big enough to cover two of us and Norbert."**

**It was a mark of how bad the last week had been that the other two agreed with him. **

Harry: What is J.K. Rowling trying to say?

**Anything to get rid of Norbert—and Malfoy.**

Ron: If only.

**There was a hitch.**

Ginny: There always is.

**By the next morning, Ron's bitten hand had swollen to twice its usual size. **

Neville: Yikes.

**He didn't know whether it was safe to go to Madam Pomfrey—would she recognize a dragon bite?**

Minerva: Of course not, she'd only been a Healer since she was twenty.

Horace: Overdoing it on the sarcasm, there.

**By the afternoon, though, he had no choice. The cut had turned a nasty shade of green. **

Michael: You should have got it checked out earlier.

Ron: I know that now!

**It looked as if Norbert's fangs were poisonous.**

Ginny: You don't say.

**Harry and Hermione rushed up to the hospital wing at the end of the day to find Ron in a terrible state in bed.**

George: And it had nothing to do with the dragon bite.

**"It's not just my hand," he whispered, "although that feels like it's about to fall off. **

Harry: Aaaaaand let the melodrama start!

**Malfoy told Madam Pomfrey he wanted to borrow one of my books so he could come and have a good laugh at me. **

All: GIT!

**He kept threatening to tell her what really bit me**

Minerva: She already did.

Ron: How do you know?

Minerva: She told me but I didn't think she was being serious.

Horace: Oh, cynical world.

Michael: Shut up.

—**I've told her it was a dog, but I don't think she believes me**

Neville: Really? I would never have guessed.

—**I shouldn't have hit him at the Quidditch match, that's why he's doing this."**

George: No, it's just because he's a general git.

**Harry and Hermione tried to calm Ron down.**

**"It'll all be over at midnight on Saturday," said Hermione, but this didn't soothe Ron at all. **

Ginny: Huh, makes a change.

George: What does?

Ginny: Hermione's always able to soothe Ron.

Hermione: Cut it out!

**On the contrary, he sat bolt upright and broke into a sweat.**

George: Drama queen!

Ron: Like you can talk!

**"Midnight on Saturday!" **

Hermione: Yes, that is what I said.

**he said in a hoarse voice. "Oh no, oh no—I've just remembered—Charlie's letter was in that book Malfoy took, **

Hermione: What the hell did you leave it in a book for?

**he's going to know we're getting rid of Norbert."**

Horace: Really well done.

Minerva: Who's being sarcastic now?

**Harry and Hermione didn't get a chance to answer. Madam Pomfrey came over at that moment and made them leave, saying Ron needed sleep.**

George: She always says that.

**"It's too late to change the plan now," Harry told Hermione. "We haven't got time to send Charlie another owl, **

Minerva: Of course you have.

**and this could be our only chance to get rid of Norbert. **

George: Nice. Real nice.

Luna: What have you got against Norbert?

Harry: He was a baby Hungarian Horntail being brought up in a wooden cabin. It was more for Hagrid's safety.

**We'll have to risk it. **

Minerva: No you won't.

**And we **_**have**_** got the invisibility cloak, **

Minerva: Merlin help me!!

Ron: Hey, we were the ones who needed help.

**Malfoy doesn't know about that."**

**They found Fang, the boarhound, sitting outside with a bandaged tail **

Ginny: Poor Fang.

**when they went to tell Hagrid, who opened a window to talk to them.**

**"I won't let you in," **

Neville: That's polite.

**he puffed. "Norbert's at a tricky stage—nothin' I can't handle."**

Neville: Of course not.

**When they told him about Charlie's letter, his eyes filled with tears, **

Horace: Oh, here we go.

**although that might have been because Norbert had just bitten him on the leg.**

Michael: Yeah, it really sounds like he can handle it.

**"Aargh! **

(Neville, George and Luna wince).

**It's all right, he only got my boot—jus' playin'—he's only a baby, after all."**

Minerva: It's not his age that's the problem, it's his species.

**The baby banged its tail on the wall, making the windows rattle. Harry and Hermione walked back to the castle feeling Saturday couldn't come quickly enough.**

Luna: How would Norbert feel if he knew you wanted to get rid of him!

Ron: What?

Luna: That's really mean.

Harry: Riiiiiiiiiight…

**They would have felt sorry for Hagrid when the time came for him to say good-bye to Norbert if they hadn't been so worried about what they had to do. **

Michael: How very considerate of you.

**It was a very dark, cloudy night, and they were a bit late arriving at Hagrid's hut because they'd had to wait for Peeves to get out of their way in the entrance hall, where he'd been playing tennis against the wall.**

Harry: I'm glad we didn't chance trying to walk past that.

Ron: Thanks, but I'd rather not have a tennis ball lodged in my brain.

**Hagrid had Norbert packed and ready in a large crate.**

Ron: Which we had to bloody carry!

**"He's got lots o' rats an' some brandy **

Neville: Brandy? Was he trying to intoxicate the little guy?

Michael: Actually, a little bit can be good for baby dragons.

**fer the journey," said Hagrid in a muffled voice. "An' I've packed his teddy bear in case he gets lonely."**

Horace: Teddy bear? Where did he get a teddy bear from?

George: He could never get to sleep without it. He called it 'Snuggles'.

Horace: How would you know that?

George: Umm… look over there! Crystallised pineapple! (Points to the corner).

Horace: WHERE?

**From inside the crate came ripping noises that sounded to Harry as though the teddy was having his head torn off.**

Neville: Poor Snuggles.

**"Bye-bye, Norbert!" Hagrid sobbed, as Harry and Hermione covered the crate with the invisibility cloak and stepped underneath it themselves. **

Michael: Yet it could barely cover two of you at one point.

**"Mummy will never forget you!"**

George: Anyone else finding it weird that he keeps calling himself 'Mummy'?

Ginny: George, it's Hagrid.

George: Point taken.

**How they managed to get the crate back up to the castle, they never knew. **

Hermione: How would J.K. Rowling know that?

**Midnight ticked nearer as they heaved Norbert up the marble staircase in the entrance hall and along the dark corridors. Up another staircase, then another**

Michael: There are 142 staircases, good luck with that.

—**even one of Harry's shortcuts didn't make the work much easier.**

Hermione: Because the majority of them were uphill.

**"Nearly there!" **

Neville: You hope.

**Harry panted as they reached the corridor beneath the tallest tower.**

**Then a sudden movement ahead of them made them almost drop the crate.**

Luna: Careful! Don't drop Norbert!

**Forgetting that they were already invisible, they shrank into the shadows, staring at the dark outlines of two people grappling with each other ten feet away. **

George: This sounds interesting.

**A lamp flared.**

**Professor McGonagall, in a tartan dressing gown and a hair net, had Malfoy by the ear.**

Minerva: Okay, the last part's a lie!

**"Detention!" she shouted. **

Michael: Oh, I love it when you shout.

(Minerva smiles and… oh heavens, they start making out… AGAIN!!)

Ron: Oh, Merlin! Come on, that's too much. Eww, tongues as well. Please STOP!!

**"And twenty points from Slytherin! Wandering around in the middle of the night, how **_**dare **_**you—"**

**"You don't understand, Professor. Harry Potter's coming—he's got a dragon!"**

Minerva: It sounded so ridiculous at the time.

**"What utter rubbish! How dare you tell such lies! **

Luna: He's not lying.

Minerva: I didn't know that.

Luna: Well, perhaps, you should have worked a bit more at finding out the truth.

Minerva: Are you telling me how to do my job?

**Come on—I shall see Professor Snape about you, Malfoy!"**

Harry: He won't do anything; he favoured Malfoy too much.

Michael: But, there is method in the madness, Severus didn't like to lose face in front of his colleagues.

Ron: You knew Snape?

Michael: I know everyone thanks to Min's legendary parties.

Horace: Legendary parties? I don't remember any parties.

Ginny: And why do you think that is?

**The steep spiral staircase up to the top of the tower seemed the easiest thing in the world after that. **

Luna: I'm sure there are easier things.

Horace (muttering): Like Minerva.

Minerva: Horace, do you hold any sort of value on your life? Because I swear I will curse you here and now.

**Not until they'd stepped out into the cold night air did they throw off the cloak, glad to be able to breathe properly again. Hermione did a sort of jig.**

George: Why didn't you take a picture of that?

Harry: We were carrying a live baby dragon, we didn't really have much room for a camera.

**"Malfoy's got detention! I could sing!"**

Ron: Oh Merlin, please, NO!!

Hermione: I'm not that bad.

Ron: Tell that to the Fat Lady.

**"Don't," Harry advised her.**

Hermione: You know I wouldn't have sung, really.

Harry: We had to make sure. I seemed to have become rather attached to my ears.

George: I would get back under the table if I were you.

**Chuckling about Malfoy, **

Luna: That was nice of you.

**they waited, Norbert thrashing about in his crate. About ten minutes later, four broomsticks came swooping down out of the darkness.**

George: Carried upon them were four hooded figures all carrying… broccoli?

Hermione: _Broccoli?_ That's all you could come up with?

**Charlie's friends were a cheery lot. **

George: They had to be to put up with him.

Minerva: I think Charlie was a wonderful boy.

Horace: Bloody hell, she's being positive, the world is ending!

Minerva: Horace, unless you would like my foot up your arse, I would advise you to shut your mouth.

Horace: I'm sure Michael wouldn't mind your foot up his arse.

Michael and Minerva: SHUT UP!

(Horace crosses his arms and pulls a sulky face).

Ginny: Don't you start acting like a child, too!

**They showed Harry and Hermione the harness they'd rigged up, so they could suspend Norbert between them. They all helped buckle Norbert safely into it and then Harry and Hermione shook hands with the others and thanked them very much.**

Ginny: Oh, you were polite to them, Ron.

Ron: I knew them, they knew me.

Harry: Your point?

**At last, Norbert was going... going... **_**gone.**_

Michael: What are you, at an auction?

**They slipped back down the spiral staircase, their hearts as light as their hands, now that Norbert was off them. **

Minerva: That's imaginative.

**No more dragon**

Hermione: Thank God!

—**Malfoy in detention**

Ron: Serves the git right.

—**what could spoil their happiness?**

George: Snape.

Ron: Is that all you've got? You are getting less imaginative. Do you need a coffee top-up?

Ginny: ARE YOU NUTS?! Anyway, it's obvious that something bad is about to happen.

**The answer to that was waiting at the foot of the stairs. **

Ginny: I told you so.

**As they stepped into the corridor, Filch's face loomed suddenly out of the darkness.**

Neville: Uh oh.

"**Well, well, well," he whispered, "we **_**are**_** in trouble."**

Luna: Why is he saying 'we'? He's not in trouble.

**They'd left the invisibility cloak on top of the tower.**

Luna: That was clever.

Horace: You are so in for it.

Harry, Ron & Hermione: WE KNOW!

_A/N: Uses of dragon's blood from the Barnes & Noble website and from the deepest, darkest, most dangerous depths of my imagination. _


	15. Forest Furore

Ginny: I'll read this one!

**Chapter 15 - The Forbidden Forest.**

Michael: I already feel apprehensive about this chapter.

**Things couldn't have been worse.**

Neville: Well, I think they could have been. You could've-

Luna: Please stop, there are too many possibilities.

**Filch took them down to Professor McGonagall's study **

Hermione: Which has a lovely fireplace.

Minerva: Flattery will get you nowhere.

Michael: Oh, really?

Minerva: Well, you're an exception.

**on the first floor, where they sat and waited without saying a word to each other. **

George: Aw-kward!

**Hermione was trembling. **

George: Aww.

**Excuses, alibis, and wild cover-up stories chased each other around Harry's brain, **

Michael: None of which would have worked.

**each more feeble than the last.**

Ginny: Don't go with the last one then.

**He couldn't see how they were going to get out of trouble this time. They were cornered. **

Horace: Minerva, you always did remind me of a vicious terrier.

Minerva: Thank you.

**How could they have been so stupid as to forget the cloak?**

Harry: We were too happy.

**There was no reason on earth that Professor McGonagall would accept for their being out of bed and creeping around the school in the dead of night, **

Minerva: Unless someone was dying or there was some kind of attack or-

Harry: Okay, okay, we get the idea.

**let alone being up the tallest astronomy tower, which was out-of-bounds except for classes. **

Luna: You're really not helping your case.

**Add Norbert and the invisibility cloak, and they might as well be packing their bags already.**

Ginny: Refreshingly optimistic.

**Had Harry thought that things couldn't have been worse? He was wrong. **

Neville: How did I see that one coming?

**When Professor McGonagall appeared, she was leading Neville.**

Luna: Uh oh.

**"Harry!" Neville burst out, the moment he saw the other two. "I was trying to find you to warn you, **

Harry: Thanks Neville.

Ron: But you really shouldn't have said that right there and then

**I heard Malfoy saying he was going to catch you, he said you had a drag—"**

George: On a spliff?

Hermione: It amazes me that you know what a spliff is.

Minerva: It amazes _me_ that _you_ know what a spliff is.

Horace: How do _you_ know what a spiff is?

Minerva: No, Slug, it's a 'spliff'. I know because I'm not thick!

Horace: Really?

Michael: Don't push it.

**Harry shook his head violently to shut Neville up, but Professor McGonagall had seen. **

Minerva: I see everything.

**She looked more likely to breathe fire than Norbert as she towered over the three of them.**

Michael: Interesting description.

Harry, Neville and Hermione: We didn't write it!

**"I would never have believed it of any of you. **

George: I would've.

**Mr** **Filch says you were up in the astronomy tower. It's one o'clock in the morning. **

Horace: Say hello to 'Miss State-the-obvious'.

Michael: Shut up!

George: Yeah, it's _Mrs_ State-the-obvious!

_**Explain yourselves**_**."**

George (little girly voice): I-I'm so s-sorry. I d-didn't m-mean t-to…

Ginny: Shut it! Merlin, that was so disturbing.

**It was the first time Hermione had ever failed to answer a teacher's question. **

Ron: Because she's just that awesome.

**She was staring at her slippers, as still as a statue.**

Luna: Careful you don't seize up.

Hermione: Will do, Luna.

(Ron looks at her strangely then jumps up in his seat).

Ron: What'd you kick me for?

Hermione: Don't be stupid, darling, I did nothing of the sort.

**"I think I've got a good idea of what's been going on," said Professor McGonagall. **

Horace: You know everything that's going on.

**"It doesn't take a genius to work it out. **

Horace: Well, if you can do it, it can't take a genius.

(Michael glares at him).

**You fed Draco Malfoy some cock**

George: Oh, Merlin, this material is just too good! Minnie, I never knew you were so rude.

Horace: You would be surprised.

**-and-bull story **

George: Damn, so close!

**about a dragon, trying to get him out of bed and into trouble.**

Harry: Wonder if that would work?

Luna: But that still doesn't explain why Hermione and Harry would be out of bed.

**I've already caught him. **

Michael: You sound so evil.

Minerva: But you love it.

Michael: I know!!

**I suppose you think it's funny that Longbottom here heard the story and believed it, too?"**

Ron: Well, actually, I think it's pretty-

Hermione: Shut up, Ron!

**Harry caught Neville's eye and tried to tell him without words that this wasn't true, because Neville was looking stunned and hurt. **

Harry: I'm sorry about that.

Neville: It's okay, really.

**Poor, blundering Neville**

Neville: Thanks a bunch!

—**Harry knew what it must have cost him to try and find them in the dark, to warn them.**

Neville: Fifty points, to be exact.

**"I'm disgusted," **

Horace: Don't you mean disgusting?

Minerva: Screw you, Sluggy.

Horace: Well, if you'd like to-

Michael (wrapping an arm around Minerva's waist): You know, very well, that that was not what she meant. Besides, she's mine.

Minerva: I never knew you could be so possessive, darling.

**said Professor McGonagall. "Four students out of bed in one night! **

Horace: Why are you acting so offended? You and your friends were constantly roaming the corridors at night.

Minerva: Point taken, but we weren't stupid enough to get caught, and we didn't have the use of an Invisibility cloak!

**I've never heard of such a thing before!**

Horace: Liar.

**You, Miss Granger, I thought you had more sense. **

Horace: I thought _you_ had more sense!

**As for you, Mr. Potter, I thought Gryffindor meant more to you than this.**

Harry: Oh, the guilt.

Ron: How do you do that?

Minerva: I've had years of practice.

Michael: Trust me, I know.

**All three of you will receive detentions—yes, you too, Mr. Longbottom, **

Neville: Thanks.

_**nothing**_** gives you the right to walk around school at night, especially these days, it's very dangerous**

Ginny: You're not kidding.

—**and fifty points will be taken from Gryffindor."**

**"**_**Fifty?**_**" **

George: Bad move. Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER question her methods. EVER!

Ginny: I think we get the point.

**Harry gasped—they would lose the lead, the lead he'd won in the last Quidditch match.**

Minerva: But it was entirely your fault.

Harry: But we were in your House!

Minerva: And I am a fair person. I favour no House more than others, except from during Quidditch matches.

**"Fifty points **_**each**_**,"**

George: I told you not to do it.

**said Professor McGonagall, breathing heavily through her long, pointed nose.**

Minerva (hand on her nose): It's not that bad, is it?

Michael: Of course not love. (He kisses her lightly).

**"Professor—please—"**

**"You **_**can't—**_**"**

Horace: But she can and she will.

**"Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Potter. **

Michael: I still have the scars from the time I did that.

Hermione: WHAT?

Michael: Whoa, whoa there, I was joking.

Hermione (blushing): Oh…

**Now get back to bed, all of you. I've never been more ashamed of Gryffindor students."**

Harry: God, you lay it on thick.

**A hundred and fifty points lost.**

Ginny: Well done for that.

**That put Gryffindor in last place. In one night, they'd ruined any chance Gryffindor had had for the house cup. **

Hermione: I can't believe you forgot the cloak.

Harry: _I_ forgot the cloak? You could have remembered!

Hermione: It's your cloak!

Michael: Okay, children, play nicely.

**Harry felt as though the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. **

Luna: That sounds awful.

Neville: LUNA, it did not actually drop out of his stomach! OKAY?

Luna: Okay. Sheesh.

**How could they ever make up for this?**

Ron: By being the awesome people that they were?

Harry: Were?

Ron: A-and still are, of course.

Harry: That's more like it!

**Harry didn't sleep all night. He could hear Neville sobbing into his pillow for what seemed like hours. **

Luna: Awww.

George: Seriously, it's not that bad, Nev.

**Harry couldn't think of anything to say to comfort him. **

Ginny: Quick on your feet, aren't you?

Harry: I-

Minerva: Please, rethink your next sentence without using the 'I came from a troubled home' excuse.

**He knew Neville, like himself, was dreading the dawn. What would happen when the rest of Gryffindor found out what they'd done?**

George: You'll die!

Neville: Thank you so much.

**At first, Gryffindors passing the giant hourglasses that recorded the house points the next day thought there'd been a mistake. **

Harry: If only.

**How could they suddenly have a hundred and fifty points fewer than yesterday? **

Hermione: Easier than they thought.

**And then the story started to spread: Harry Potter, the famous Harry Potter, their hero of two Quidditch matches, had lost them all those points, him and a couple of other stupid first years. **

Neville: Merlin, children are so polite.

**From being one of the most popular and admired people at the school, Harry was suddenly the most hated.**

Harry: Not quite. The Slytherins loved me!

Ginny: YAY! He is capable of optimism.

**Even Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs turned on him, **

Horace: Hufflepuff? Seriously? What's that all about?

**because everyone had been longing to see Slytherin lose the house cup.**

Ginny: That answer your question?

**Everywhere Harry went, people pointed and didn't trouble to lower their voices as they insulted him.**

Neville: Again, so polite.

**Slytherins, on the other hand, clapped as he walked past them, whistling and cheering, "Thanks Potter, we owe you one!"**

Harry: Told you.

**Only Ron stood by him.**

(All cheer).

Ron (bows): I thank you!

**"They'll all forget this in a few weeks. Fred and George have lost loads of points in all the time they've been here, and people still like them."**

George: That's because we were funny.

**"They've never lost a hundred and fifty points in one go, though, have they?" said Harry miserably.**

Ron: Fair point.

Minerva: Actually, I think by your third year, we had started to tire of taking points away from you two.

George: I did wonder about that.

**"Well—no," Ron admitted.**

Hermione: Why didn't you lie?

Ron: Because I'm just that honest.

Ginny: Or that stupid.

**It was a bit late to repair the damage, but Harry swore to himself **

George: That he would get his revenge on Professor McGonagall?

**not to meddle in things that weren't his business from now on.**

(Minerva, Michael and Hermione start laughing… really loudly).

Minerva (in between laughs): Oh… oh, Merlin… you are precious… that… is never… going to… happen…

Harry: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

**He'd had it with sneaking around and spying. **

Minerva: Oh, please, don't start me off again!

**He felt so ashamed of himself that he went to Wood and offered to resign from the Quidditch team.**

Michael and Minerva: Really?

Harry: I was trying to do the noble thing.

Michael: There is a line for tat stuff, you know.

**"**_**Resign?**_**" Wood thundered. "What good'll that do? **

Horace: It'll let Slytherin win the cup!

Everyone else: Shut up!

**How are we going to get any points back if we can't win at Quidditch?"**

Hermione: He has a point.

**But even Quidditch had lost its fun. **

Minerva: Blasphemy… again!

**The rest of the team wouldn't speak to Harry during practice, and if they had to speak about him, they called him "the Seeker."**

Ginny: Yikes, they really were hit hard.

**Hermione and Neville were suffering, too. They didn't have as bad a time as Harry, because they weren't as well-known, but nobody would speak to them, either. **

Neville: Didn't make much of a difference.

Luna: Aww, there's no use in feeling sorry for yourself, Neville.

**Hermione had stopped drawing attention to herself in class, keeping her head down and working in silence.**

Minerva: I wondered what that was all about.

**Harry was almost glad that the exams weren't far away. **

Ron: WHAT?

**All the studying he had to do kept his mind off his misery. **

Ginny: Makes sense.

Ron (shocked): You couldn't find anything else to take your mind off it?

Harry: I don't think that could happen.

Ron: Mate, you went to a school of magic with talking portraits, the best sport in the world and the biggest bunch of nutters imaginable.

Minerva and Hermione: Thanks so much. (They look at each other). Damn! We're doing it again.

Neville: You two really need to stop that.

**He, Ron, and Hermione kept to themselves, working late into the night, **

George: And you were working, I hope.

Hermione: Of course!

**trying to remember the ingredients in complicated potions, learn charms and spells by heart, memorize the dates of magical discoveries and goblin rebellions...**

Ginny: Good luck with that.

**Then, about a week before the exams were due to start, Harry's new resolution not to interfere in anything that didn't concern him was put to an unexpected test.**

Michael: Why am I not surprised?

**Walking back from the library on his own one afternoon, he heard somebody whimpering from a classroom up ahead. **

Neville: Three guesses.

**As he drew closer, he heard Quirrell's voice.**

Harry (sarcastically): Hooray!

**"No—no—not again, please—"**

George (laughing): Oh Merlin! This is so good.

**It sounded as though someone was threatening him. **

Neville: Again, three guesses.

**Harry moved closer.**

Ginny: Don't get caught, that's all I have to say.

**"All right—all right—" he heard Quirrell sob.**

Minerva: Aw, shoot. He caved.

Ron (to Harry): Did she just say that?

**Next second, Quirrell came hurrying out of the classroom straightening his turban. **

Hermione: There was no point, really. It was always wonky.

**He was pale and looked as though he was about to cry. **

Ron: Same as ever.

**He strode out of sight; Harry didn't think Quirrell had even noticed him. **

Harry: At least, I hoped he didn't.

**He waited until Quirrell's footsteps had disappeared, then peered into the classroom. **

George: And his nose was bitten of by Flitwick! Standing on a pile of books, obviously.

**It was empty, but a door stood ajar at the other end. Harry was halfway toward it before he remembered what he'd promised himself about not meddling.**

Michael: This sounds promising.

**All the same, he'd have gambled twelve Philosopher's Stones that Snape had just left the room, **

Minerva: Oh no. I see where this is going.

Horace: I thought you despised Divination.

Minerva: Horace, it's so obvious he could have written it across his head.

**and from what Harry had just heard, Snape would be walking with a new spring in his step**

George: That is an alarming thought.

—**Quirrell seemed to have given in at last.**

Weasleys: GIT!

**Harry went back to the library, where Hermione was testing Ron on Astronomy. **

Hermione: And he was failing miserably.

**Harry told them what he'd heard.**

Luna: Which was practically nothing.

**"Snape's done it, then!" said Ron. **

Horace: Still jumping to conclusions, then?

**"If Quirrell's told him how to break his Anti-Dark Force spell—"**

Ron: Then we're pretty much screwed.

**"There's still Fluffy, though," said Hermione.**

Hermione: Though, if Hagrid's the one guarding the secret, I wouldn't expect it to last long.

**"Maybe Snape's found out how to get past him without asking Hagrid," **

Luna: I doubt that.

**said Ron, looking up at the thousands of books surrounding them. "I bet there's a book somewhere in here telling you how to get past a giant three-headed dog. **

Michael: I sincerely doubt that.

**So what do we do, Harry?"**

Harry: Why does everyone expect me to come up with the plans?

Minerva: Something to do with the fact that the book is all about you, perhaps?

**The light of adventure was kindling again in Ron's eyes, but Hermione answered before Harry could.**

Neville: Thank Merlin. No offence, Ron.

**"Go to Dumbledore. **

Horace: Why was Dumbledore always the answer?

Harry: Do you need to ask that?

**That's what we should have done ages ago. **

Ginny: I think, deep down, they both knew that.

**If we try anything ourselves we'll be thrown out for sure."**

George: You got that right.

**"But we've got no **_**proof**_**!" **

Minerva: EXACTLY!

**said Harry. "Quirrell's too scared to back us up. **

Minerva: His opinion never counted for much anyway.

**Snape's only got to say he doesn't know how the troll got in at Halloween and that he was nowhere near the third floor—**

George: I'm pretty sure that Dumbles probably knew about that.

**who do you think they'll believe, him or us? **

Michael: I know who I'd bet on.

**It's not exactly a secret we hate him, **

Ginny: That's true.

**Dumbledore'll think we made it up to get him sacked. **

Minerva: No he wouldn't.

Harry: Well, we didn't know about what he was really doing.

Neville: You really should have checked first though.

Hermione: Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

**Filch wouldn't help us if his life depended on it, **

Horace: He wouldn't help anyone if his life depended on it.

**he's too friendly with Snape, **

Minerva: Actually, Severus detested Argus.

**and the more students get thrown out, the better, he'll think. **

Ginny: Sounds about right.

**And don't forget, we're not supposed to know about the Stone or Fluffy. That'll take a lot of explaining."**

Luna: That is a very good point.

**Hermione looked convinced, but Ron didn't.**

Ron: I wasn't. I wanted a big adventure.

Hermione: And, I daresay, you got it.

**"If we just do a bit of poking around—"**

Hermione and Minerva: NO!

**"No," said Harry flatly, "we've done enough poking around."**

Minerva: Hallelujah!

**He pulled a map of Jupiter toward him and started to learn the names of its moons.**

Neville: But Jupiter has, like, sixty three moons.

Harry: I know.

**The following morning, notes were delivered to Harry, Hermione, and Neville at the breakfast table. They were all the same:**

George: _You will meet your doom before next Sunday. Signed, Voldie._

_**Your detention will take place at eleven o'clock tonight. **_

Hermione: That's a bit late, is it not.

_**Meet Mr. Filch in the entrance hall.**_

_**Professor McGonagall **_

Harry: Thanks for that.

Ron: It _was_ your fault for forgetting the cloak, though.

Harry: Thanks for your confidence.

**Harry had forgotten they still had detentions to do in the furore over the points they'd lost. **

Minerva: I, on the other hand, had not.

Ron: Unfortunately.

**He half expected Hermione to complain that this was a whole night of studying lost, **

Hermione: Nice to know you have that much faith in me.

**but she didn't say a word. Like Harry, she felt they deserved what they'd got.**

Hermione: We had though.

**At eleven o'clock that night, they said good-bye to Ron in the common room and went down to the entrance hall with Neville. **

**Filch was already there**

Neville: He was bloody everywhere.

—**and so was Malfoy. Harry had also forgotten that Malfoy had gotten a detention, too.**

Harry: Unfortunately, it had to happen at the same time as ours.

**"Follow me," said Filch, lighting a lamp and leading them outside.**

George: I get the feeling that you'd really rather not.

"**I bet you'll think twice about breaking a school rule again, won't you, eh?" **

Minerva: NOPE!!

**he said, leering at them. "Oh yes... hard work and pain are the best teachers if you ask me... **

Horace: I am so offended right now.

Minerva: I can't believe Argus said that.

**It's just a pity they let the old punishments die out... hang you by your wrists from the ceiling for a few days, **

Horace: That HURT!!

Neville: It happened to you?

Horace: Yes, once and never again.

**I've got the chains still in my office, **

George: Bet Madam Pince likes those.

Hermione: GEORGE!!

**keep 'em well oiled in case they're ever needed...**

George: Or in case Irma fancies a change!

Michael: URGH! Images I did not want!

Ginny: And we got images we didn't want from you with your constant innuendoes.

Luna: OWNED!

Neville: WHAT?

Luna: I actually don't know.

**Right, off we go, and don't think of running off, now, it'll be worse for you if you do."**

Ron: Oh, he'd like that, wouldn't he?

Horace: Most probably, yes.

**They marched off across the dark grounds. Neville kept sniffing. **

Neville: Err, I… had a cold…

Minerva: You know what, when we get out of here, I am going to teach you how to lie properly.

**Harry wondered what their punishment was going to be. It must be something really horrible, or Filch wouldn't be sounding so delighted.**

George: Oh how true.

**The moon was bright, but clouds scudding across it **

Luna: Scudding? Interesting word…

**kept throwing them into darkness. Ahead, Harry could see the lighted windows of Hagrid's hut. Then they heard a distant shout.**

George: Hagrid!

**"Is that you, Filch? Hurry up, I want ter get started."**

**Harry's heart rose; if they were going to be working with Hagrid it wouldn't be so bad. **

Ron: I sense that that is all going to change.

**His relief must have showed in his face, because Filch said, "I suppose you think you'll be enjoying yourself with that oaf? **

Harry: Hagrid is not an oaf!

**Well, think again, boy—it's into the forest you're going and I'm much mistaken if you'll all come out in one piece."**

Michael: What an evil little git, scaring children after that.

Horace: He was bitter about his school days because he had to go to a Muggle school.

**At this, Neville let out a little moan, and Malfoy stopped dead in his tracks.**

Ron: Coward.

**"The forest?" he repeated, and he didn't sound quite as cool as usual. "We can't go in there at night—there's all sorts of things in there—werewolves, I heard."**

Hermione: Oh, there's worse than that.

**Neville clutched the sleeve of Harry's robe and made a choking noise.**

**"That's your problem, isn't it?" said Filch, his voice cracking with glee. **

All: GIT!

**"Should've thought of them werewolves before you got in trouble, shouldn't you?"**

Luna: Why would you think of werewolves when you get into trouble?

Neville: Beats me.

**Hagrid came striding toward them out of the dark, Fang at his heel. He was carrying his large crossbow, and a quiver of arrows hung over his shoulder.**

Harry: Oh, Hagrid was trying to be Robin Hood.

Luna: Robin Hood?

Hermione: Don't ask.

**"Abou' time," he said. "I bin waitin' fer half an hour already. **

Neville: He did know it was eleven o'clock, right?

**All right, Harry, Hermione?"**

Ginny: No, they are standing just outside the Forbidden Forest at eleven o'clock at night about to face possible death. Other than that they're amazing.

**"I shouldn't be too friendly to them, Hagrid," said Filch coldly, "they're here to be punished, after all."**

Golden Trio: Git!

**"That's why yer late, is it?" said Hagrid, frowning at Filch. "Bin lecturin' them, eh? **

Harry, Neville and Hermione: YES!

**'Snot your place ter do that. Yeh've done yer bit, I'll take over from here."**

Ginny: Go Hagrid.

**"I'll be back at dawn," said Filch, "for what's left of them," **

All: GIT!!

**he added nastily, and he turned and started back toward the castle, his lamp bobbing away in the darkness.**

**Malfoy now turned to Hagrid.**

Ron: Here we go.

**"I'm not going in that forest," **

Ginny: Oh, yes you are.

**he said, and Harry was pleased to hear the note of panic in his voice.**

Horace: You bitter little boy.

Minerva: Horace, one more insult aimed at Harry, from your tongue, and you won't have a job to go back to.

Horace: You can't do that!

Minerva: I can and I will. It's a simple case of: I say "jump" and you say "how high?"

Horace: Go on then.

Minerva: Pardon?

Horace: Say "jump".

Minerva: Jump.

Horace: How high?

Minerva: This is ridiculous.

Horace: How high?

Minerva: Three feet.

(Horace gets out of his chair and jumps a few inches from the ground. Not an attractive sight).

Horace: Was that three feet?

Hermione: I sincerely doubt it.

Harry (to Ron): That was the weirdest thing I have ever seen.

**"Yeh are if yeh want ter stay at Hogwarts," said Hagrid fiercely. "Yeh've done wrong an' now yeh've got ter pay fer it."**

Harry: But Hagrid payed for wrong he didn't do.

Horace: What do you mean?

Harry: Never mind.

**"But this is servant stuff, **

Michael: He's digging himself a pit here.

Neville: Yeah, he's really put his foot in it.

Luna: He put his foot in a pit?

Neville: No, Luna, they're two separate expressions.

Luna: Right…

**it's not for students to do. I thought we'd be copying lines or something, **

Minerva: That won't teach you anything.

**if my father knew I was doing this, he'd—"**

Michael: Try to get Albus fired, the awful bastard.

Harry: Well said.

**"—tell yer that's how it is at Hogwarts,"** **Hagrid growled. **

Ginny: I'm not so sure about that, Hagrid.

**"Copyin' lines! What good's that ter anyone. **

Neville: He has a point.

**Yeh'll do summat useful or yeh'll get out. If yeh think yer father'd rather you were expelled, then get back off ter the castle an' pack. **

Ron: Hagrid has never rocked more than he did right then!

Harry: Here, here.

**Go on."**

**Malfoy didn't move. **

Michael: Why am I not surprised.

**He looked at Hagrid furiously, but then dropped his gaze.**

George: Because Hagrid is much bigger and scarier than he is.

**"Right then," said Hagrid, "now, listen carefully, 'cause it's dangerous what we're gonna do tonight, **

Hermione: I think we had figured that much out.

**an' I don' want no one takin' risks. **

Ginny: And you have already failed miserably.

**Follow me over here a moment."**

George: NOOOOOOOOOO…

Harry: We didn't really have a choice.

**He led them to the very edge of the forest. Holding his lamp up high, he pointed down a narrow, winding earth track that disappeared into the thick black trees. **

Luna: That sounds very nice.

**A light breeze lifted their hair as they looked into the forest.**

Luna: That sounds pleasant.

Neville: Sarcasm?

Luna: No.

**"Look there," said Hagrid, "see that stuff shinin' on the ground? **

George (looking up to the ceiling): WHERE? I don't see it!!

**Silvery stuff? **

George: What IS IT?

Ginny: Well, maybe if you stopped interrupting, you might FIND OUT!!

**That's unicorn blood. There's a unicorn in there bin hurt badly by summat. **

Horace: I've never heard of a unicorn being injured before.

**This is the second time in a week. I found one dead last Wednesday. **

George: There's a comforting thought.

**We're gonna try an' find the poor thing. **

Luna: Aw, poor unicorn.

**We might have ter put it out of its misery."**

Hermione: That's terrible.

**"And what if whatever hurt the unicorn finds us first?" said Malfoy, unable to keep the fear out of his voice.**

(Golden Trio, Ginny and George all laugh).

**"There's nothin' that lives in the forest that'll hurt yeh if yer with me or Fang," **

Minerva: You're talking about the dog who is as docile as a kitten and the half-giant who has the biggest heart in the history of wizard kind.

**said Hagrid. "An' keep ter the path. **

George: If yer don' want ter die painfully.

Ginny: What is it with you and death, today?

George: I'm in that kind of mood.

Hermione: What, suicidal?

George: No, murderous, homicidal or whatever else you want to call it.

**Right, now, we're gonna split inter two parties **

Luna: That sounds fun.

Neville: Not that kind of party, Luna!

**an' follow the trail in diff'rent directions. There's blood all over the place, it must've bin staggerin' around since last night at least."**

Neville: No, that's what a drunken Hagrid does.

**"I want Fang," said Malfoy quickly, looking at Fang's long teeth.**

George: He really was a coward.

**"All right, but I warn yeh, he's a coward," **

Ron: They're like two peas in a pod, then.

**said Hagrid. "So me, Harry, an' Hermione'll go one way an' Draco, Neville, an' Fang'll go the other.**

Neville: Thanks for sticking me with Malfoy.

**Now, if any of us finds the unicorn, we'll send up green sparks, right? **

Ron: I didn't know how to do that.

Hermione: Good thing you weren't there, then.

**Get yer wands out an' practice now**

Neville: That did us no good.

— **that's it—an' if anyone gets in trouble, send up red sparks, an' we'll all come an' find yeh—so, be careful—let's go."**

Luna: The way this is written makes him sound very cheerful.

**The forest was black and silent.**

Horace: Silent? With all those creatures roaming about inside?

Michael: Ms Rowling is merely emphasizing the fact that the forest was rather frightening to an eleven year old.

**A little way into it they reached a fork in the earth path, and Harry, Hermione, and Hagrid took the left path while Malfoy, Neville, and Fang took the right.**

Neville: Very reluctantly, might I add.

**They walked in silence, their eyes on the ground. Every now and then a ray of moonlight through the branches above lit a spot of silver-blue blood on the fallen leaves.**

Luna: What an awful thing to observe.

**Harry saw that Hagrid looked very worried.**

Neville: Very comforting.

**"**_**Could**_** a werewolf be killing the unicorns?" Harry asked.**

George: Don't be daft, Moony wasn't there.

**"Not fast enough," **

Ginny: Seriously?

**said Hagrid. "It's not easy ter catch a unicorn, they're powerful magic creatures. I never knew one ter be hurt before."**

Michael: Apart from the one he found dead, obviously.

**They walked past a mossy tree stump. **

George: And Hagrid, not seeing it there, tripped over it and flattened Malfoy to a wafer.

**Harry could hear running water; there must be a stream somewhere close by. **

Michael: I fell in that stream in my last year at Hogwarts.

Luna: What were you doing in the Forbidden Forest?

(Michael and Minerva look at each other, blush and quickly look away again).

Ron: Ewwwww…

Hermione: Moving on.

**There were still spots of unicorn blood here and there along the winding path.**

Ginny: That's lovely. I think we got the fact that there was a lot of blood.

**"You all right, Hermione?" **

Hermione: No, the thought of an injured unicorn made me feel sick.

**Hagrid whispered. "Don' worry, it can't've gone far if it's this badly hurt, an' then we'll be able ter—GET BEHIND THAT TREE!"**

Harry: Merlin, Gin, don't shout like that!

Ginny: Sorry.

George: Hate to tell you this, Hagrid, but we could do that under normal circumstances.

**Hagrid seized Harry and Hermione and hoisted them off the path behind a towering oak. **

Harry: Yet it was like he needed no effort whatsoever.

**He pulled out an arrow and fitted it into his crossbow, raising it, ready to fire. **

George: And hit himself in the eye by accident.

**The three of them listened. **

Ginny: Interesting.

**Something was slithering over dead leaves nearby: **

Luna: Uh oh.

**it sounded like a cloak trailing along the ground. Hagrid was squinting up the dark path, but after a few seconds, the sound faded away.**

George: What was it?

Neville: You'll find out soon.

**"I knew it," he murmured. "There's summat in here that shouldn' be."**

Horace: Well, there's children, for a start.

**"A werewolf?" Harry suggested.**

Ron: I think you would know if it had been a werewolf.

**"That wasn' no werewolf an' it wasn' no unicorn, neither," said Hagrid grimly. **

Luna: Sorry, I'm lost, who mentioned unicorns?

**"Right, follow me, but careful, now."**

**They walked more slowly, ears straining for the faintest sound. Suddenly, in a clearing ahead, something definitely moved.**

Luna: Not just a trick of the light?

Harry: No, really.

**"Who's there?" Hagrid called. "Show yerself—I'm armed!"**

Ginny: We know.

**And into the clearing came—was it a man, or a horse?**

George: No, it was an electric blue rabbit, which emitted strange popping noises at regular intervals.

**To the waist, a man, with red hair and beard, **

Horace: ALBUS!!

**but below that was a horse's gleaming chestnut body with a long, reddish tail. **

Minerva: And there is the flaw in your theory, Horace.

**Harry and Hermione's jaws dropped.**

Luna: Oh, so polite.

**"Oh, it's you, Ronan," said Hagrid in relief. "How are yeh?"**

Harry: He's just had a crossbow shoved in his face, what do you think?

**He walked forward and shook the centaur's hand.**

Luna: At least someone has some manners.

**"Good evening to you, Hagrid," said Ronan. He had a deep, sorrowful voice. **

Minerva: Most centaurs do, they like to think that they can be mysterious.

Hermione: Some of them are pretty mysterious.

Minerva: Yes, because speaking slowly and talking about the stars creates an aura of mystery. Honestly, it just makes me feel stupid.

**"Were you going to shoot me?"**

Ron: No, he carries the crossbow for fun.

**"Can't be too careful, Ronan," said Hagrid, patting his crossbow. **

Harry: Fair point.

**"There's summat bad loose in this forest. **

Harry: So why were we in there?

Minerva: I didn't choose the destination.

Harry: Who did?

Minerva: Hagrid specifically wanted you to join him for detention and I agreed.

Horace: Knowing full well that he would go soft on them.

**This is Harry Potter an' Hermione Granger, by the way. **

Harry (to Hermione): That's nice, isn't it? We're just a "by the way"!

**Students up at the school. **

Harry: No we weren't, we just wore the uniforms for amusement.

**An' this is Ronan, you two. He's a centaur."**

Ginny: We gathered that.

**"We'd noticed," said Hermione faintly.**

(All laugh).

**"Good evening," said Ronan. "Students, are you? **

Neville: No, Hagrid was lying.

**And do you learn much, up at the school?"**

Minerva: No, we don't teach them anything here.

**"Erm—"**

Horace: Nice to know us teachers do our jobs right.

Minerva: Well, you don't anyway, so you have no need to worry.

Horace: I resent that.

Minerva: It's true and you know it.

**"A bit," said Hermione timidly.**

Ginny: A bit? You knew loads!

Hermione: I was a shy kid!

**"A bit. Well, that's something." Ronan sighed. **

Ron: He sounds optimistic.

**He flung back his head and stared at the sky. "Mars is bright tonight."**

Minerva: Oh, Merlin, not that old chestnut again!

**"Yeah," said Hagrid, glancing up, too. "Listen, I'm glad we've run inter yeh, Ronan, 'cause there's a unicorn bin hurt**

George: And that makes you happy to see him, why?

—**you seen anythin'?"**

George: Well, I saw the birds and the trees and the flowers and-

Ginny: Carrying on...

**Ronan didn't answer immediately. **

Michael: Centaurs like to keep you in suspense.

**He stared unblinkingly upward, then sighed again.**

**"Always the innocent are the first victims," **

Minerva: Why does that have to be true?

Michael: It's just the way of the world, darling.

Minerva: I know… but… (she starts sobbing into her hands and runs into the nearest bedroom).

(Everyone stares after her).

Neville: What was that all about?

Michael: Her parents were killed in the battle against Grindelwald and we lost our eldest son during the first war against Voldemort.

Hermione: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Michael: Don't worry, I'll be back in a minute.

(He stands up and chases after Min).

George: Yikes.

(About five minutes later, they resurface, both with faint tear-tracks on their cheeks).

**he said. "So it has been for ages past, so it is now."**

Horace: Unfortunately.

**"Yeah," said Hagrid, "but have yeh seen anythin', Ronan? **

George: He has eyes, so I would guess 'yes'.

**Anythin' unusual?"**

**"Mars is bright tonight," Ronan repeated, while Hagrid watched him impatiently. "Unusually bright."**

Minerva: Who gives a damn?

**"Yeah, but I was meanin' anythin' unusual a bit nearer home," **

Michael: Very subtle.

**said Hagrid. "So yeh haven't noticed anythin' strange?"**

Horace: He won't give you a proper answer!

**Yet again, Ronan took a while to answer. At last, he said, "The forest hides many secrets."**

Minerva: That gets very aggravating after a while.

**A movement in the trees behind Ronan made Hagrid raise his bow again, but it was only a second centaur, **

George: Aw, I was hoping for some more drama.

Hermione: This isn't enough for you?

**black-haired and -bodied and wilder-looking than Ronan.**

Harry: If that was possible.

**"Hullo, Bane," said Hagrid. "All right?"**

Ginny: Why does he insist on asking that?

**"Good evening, Hagrid, I hope you are well?"**

**"Well enough. Look, I've jus' bin askin' Ronan, you seen anythin' odd in here lately? **

Ron: The first one didn't tell you, I doubt this one will.

**There's a unicorn bin injured—would yeh know anythin' about it?"**

**Bane walked over to stand next to Ronan. He looked skyward. **

**"Mars is bright tonight," he said simply.**

Minerva: WE KNOW!!

**"We've heard," **

(All laugh).

Minerva: Finally, Hagrid got a spine!

**said Hagrid grumpily. "Well, if either of you do see anythin', let me know, won't yeh? **

Horace: I doubt it.

**We'll be off, then."**

George: BYE!

**Harry and Hermione followed him out of the clearing, staring over their shoulders at Ronan and Bane until the trees blocked their view.**

Luna: You're getting ruder.

**"Never," said Hagrid irritably, "try an' get a straight answer out of a centaur. Ruddy stargazers. Not interested in anythin' closer'n the moon."**

Minerva: Never has Hagrid spoken so much truth.

**"Are there many of **_**them**_** in here?" asked Hermione.**

Luna: Them?

Hermione: Centaurs.

Luna: Then why didn't you just say that?

**"Oh, a fair few... Keep themselves to themselves mostly, but they're good enough about turnin' up if ever I want a word. **

Horace: Because that's the main thing, isn't it?

**They're deep, mind, centaurs... they know things... jus' don' let on much."**

Michael: They like to keep their knowledge to themselves.

**"D'you think that was a centaur we heard earlier?" said Harry.**

**"Did that sound like hooves to you? **

Harry: No.

**Nah, if yeh ask me, that was what's bin killin' the unicorns—never heard anythin' like it before."**

**They walked on through the dense, dark trees. Harry kept looking nervously over his shoulder. **

Ginny: That sounds promising.

**He had the nasty feeling they were being watched. **

Hermione: We probably were.

**He was very glad they had Hagrid and his crossbow with them. They had just passed a bend in the path when Hermione grabbed Hagrid's arm.**

Ron: But he didn't feel a thing.

**"Hagrid! Look! Red sparks, the others are in trouble!"**

Neville (blushing): Oh, I know where this leads.

**"You two wait here!" Hagrid shouted. "Stay on the path, I'll come back for yeh!"**

Harry: And what if it comes for us?

**They heard him crashing away through the undergrowth and stood looking at each other, very scared, until they couldn't hear anything but the rustling of leaves around them.**

Ron: Which is creepy enough, as it is.

**"You don't think they've been hurt, do you?" whispered Hermione.**

Harry: No.

**"I don't care if Malfoy has, but if something's got Neville... it's our fault he's here in the first place."**

Neville: Thanks for the concern.

**The minutes dragged by. Their ears seemed sharper than usual. Harry's seemed to be picking up every sigh of the wind, every cracking twig. What was going on? Where were the others?**

Neville: You don't want to know.

Georgte: That sounds interesting.

**At last, a great crunching noise announced Hagrid's return. Malfoy, Neville, and Fang were with him. **

Minerva: Oh, thank Merlin.

**Hagrid was fuming. **

George: I would like to see that.

**Malfoy, it seemed, had sneaked up behind Neville and grabbed him as a joke. **

(All laugh).

Minerva: Sorry, Neville, we shouldn't laugh really.

Neville: It's alright.

**Neville had panicked and sent up the sparks.**

Horace: Well done!

Neville: t least I knew how to use them.

**"We'll be lucky ter catch anythin' now, **

Ron: What is he fishing?

**with the racket you two were makin'. **

George: Jokers!

Neville: Anyone see the irony here?

**Right, we're changin' groups—Neville, you stay with me an' Hermione, Harry, you go with Fang an' this idiot.**

Harry: Thanks so much.

Ginny: He's right about the idiot thing, though.

**I'm sorry," Hagrid added in a whisper to Harry, **

Luna: Well, there's something.

**"but he'll have a harder time frightenin' you, an' we've gotta get this done."**

Harry: Well, I am rather courageous.

Hermione :And very modest.

**So Harry set off into the heart of the forest with Malfoy and Fang. They walked for nearly half an hour, deeper and deeper into the forest, until the path became almost impossible to follow because the trees were so thick. **

Ron: How were you not knackered?

Hermione: Oh, we were.

**Harry thought the blood seemed to be getting thicker. **

Michael: Your eyes playing tricks.

**There were splashes on the roots of a tree, as though the poor creature had been thrashing around in pain close by. **

Luna: Ew.

**Harry could see a clearing ahead, through the tangled branches of an ancient oak.**

**"Look—" he murmured, holding out his arm to stop Malfoy.**

Luna: How would that stop him?

**Something bright white was gleaming on the ground. They inched closer.**

**It was the unicorn all right, and it was dead. **

Ginny: No kidding.

**Harry had never seen anything so beautiful and sad. **

Neville: That's an odd combination.

Minerva: Not when you really think about it.

**Its long, slender legs were stuck out at odd angles where it had fallen **

Hermione: Oh my.

**and its mane was spread pearly-white on the dark leaves.**

**Harry had taken one step toward it when a slithering sound made him freeze where he stood. **

Luna: A snake, perhaps?

Harry: Not even close.

**A bush on the edge of the clearing quivered... Then, out of the shadows, **

George: Stumbled a hiccoughing Sybil Trelawney and a very dishevelled Severus Snape.

**a hooded figure came crawling across the ground like some stalking beast. Harry, Malfoy, and Fang stood transfixed. **

Michael: That really helps.

**The cloaked figure reached the unicorn, lowered its head over the wound in the animal's side, and began to drink its blood.**

Luna: URGH!

**"AAAAAAAAAARGH!"**

George: ARGH!! Ginny, don't scare me like that!

**Malfoy let out a terrible scream and bolted—so did Fang. **

(All laugh).

Ron: Great guard dog he makes.

**The hooded figure raised its head and looked right at Harry—unicorn blood was dribbling down its front. **

Neville: That's not good.

**It got to its feet and came swiftly toward Harry—he couldn't move for fear.**

**Then a pain like he'd never felt before pierced his head; it was as though his scar were on fire.**

Minerva: Oh… oh, Merlin… Harry I am so… so sorry that I ever let you in there.

Harry: It's fine, honestly. You didn't know.

**Half blinded, he staggered backward. He heard hooves behind him, galloping, and something jumped clean over Harry, charging at the figure.**

George: Ooh, he hit a trampoline!

**The pain in Harry's head was so bad he fell to his knees. It took a minute or two to pass. **

Luna: Did it clip your head?

Harry: Nope. It was just the scar.

**When he looked up, the figure had gone. **

Ginny: Dun dun dun...

**A centaur was standing over him, not Ronan or Bane; this one looked younger; he had white-blond hair and a palomino body.**

**"Are you all right?" said the centaur, pulling Harry to his feet. **

Harry: No I'm bloody not!

**"Yes—thank you**

Ron: Liar.

—**what was that?"**

**The centaur didn't answer. **

Minerva: Surprise, surprise.

**He had astonishingly blue eyes, like pale sapphires. **

George: Like Dumbles!

**He looked carefully at Harry, his eyes lingering on the scar that stood out, livid, on Harry's forehead.**

**"You are the Potter boy," **

Luna: How did he know that?

Neville: Centaurs know everything.

Hermione: The scar didn't give it away at all!

**he said. "You had better get back to Hagrid. The forest is not safe at this time—especially for you. Can you ride? **

Harry: NO! I never even tried before, the Dursleys wouldn't let me if I had wanted to.

**It will be quicker this way. My name is Firenze," he added, as he lowered himself on to his front legs so that Harry could clamber onto his back.**

Harry: Thank Merlin for Firenze.

**There was suddenly a sound of more galloping from the other side of the clearing. **

Hermione: Oh, here we go.

**Ronan and Bane came bursting through the trees, their flanks heaving and sweaty.**

**"Firenze!" Bane thundered. "What are you doing? **

George: Walking.

**You have a human on your back! **

Ginny: Really? He hadn't noticed.

**Have you no shame? Are you a common mule?"**

Luna: Common mules can't talk.

**"Do you realize who this is?" said Firenze. "This is the Potter boy. The quicker he leaves this forest, the better."**

Ginny: How very true.

**"What have you been telling him?" **

Harry: Nothing at all.

**growled Bane. "Remember, Firenze, we are sworn not to set ourselves against the heavens. **

Minerva: Oh Merlin.

**Have we not read what is to come in the movements of the planets?"**

Minerva: Oh, I'm sure you have.

**Ronan pawed the ground nervously. "I'm sure Firenze thought he was acting for the best," he said in his gloomy voice.**

Luna: Oh, he's a nice centaur.

Ron: One with no back bone.

Luna: No, I'm pretty sure that centaurs do have back bones.

**Bane kicked his back legs in anger. "For the best! What is that to do with us? Centaurs are concerned with what has been foretold! **

Neville: The future can be changed.

**It is not our business to run around like donkeys after stray humans in our forest!"**

Ron: Their forest?

**Firenze suddenly reared on to his hind legs in anger, so that Harry had to grab his shoulders to stay on.**

Harry: That was a strange experience.

**"Do you not see that unicorn?" **

George: No, he's blind.

**Firenze bellowed at Bane. "Do you not understand why it was killed? Or have the planets not let you in on that secret? **

Minerva: I think Firenze is now my favourite.

Horace: Tut, tut, I thought favouritism is unprofessional!

**I set myself against what is lurking in this forest, Bane, yes, with humans alongside me if I must."**

**And Firenze whisked around; with Harry clutching on as best he could, they plunged off into the trees, leaving Ronan and Bane behind them. **

Horace: They're almost as dramatic as Minnie.

Minerva: Don't call me that!

**Harry didn't have a clue what was going on.**

"**Why's Bane so angry?" **

Ron: Because Bane's a git.

**he asked. "What was that thing you saved me from, anyway?"**

Michael: He won't tell you.

Hermione: Why not?

Michael: He's a centaur.

**Firenze slowed to a walk, warned Harry to keep his head bowed in case of low-hanging branches, but did not answer Harry's question. **

Minerva: Centaurs don't normally like to give you direct answers. Bit of a pain in the arse, if you ask me.

Horace: Albus didn't exactly give straight answers though, did he?

Minerva: I repeat: a bit of a pain in the arse.

**They made their way through the trees in silence for so long that Harry thought Firenze didn't want to talk to him anymore. **

Ginny: Aww, poor Harry.

**They were passing through a particularly dense patch of trees, however, when Firenze suddenly stopped.**

George: And Harry was bolted over his head.

**"Harry Potter, do you know what unicorn blood is used for?"**

**"No," said Harry, startled by the odd question. "We've only used the horn and tail hair in Potions."**

Horace: There is a reason for that.

Minerva: Oh, I remember that Potions lesson well.

Harry: Potions lesson?

Minerva: When I was in my third year, Horace decided that he was going to show off a bit and make a festive little potion which required the use of very fine shavings of a unicorn's hoof. Let's just say that it did not go well.

Michael: And from then on, the school only ever used the tail hair and horn.

**"That is because it is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn," **

Luna: I know; they're so beautiful.

**said Firenze. "Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. **

Neville: Now I'm starting to see how things come together.

**The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, **

George: Cool!

**but at a terrible price. **

George: Why is it always at a terrible price?

Michael: Because life is never that easy.

**You have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips."**

George: What if it goes straight down your throat and never touches your lips?

Ginny: I'm guessing that the rule still applies.

**Harry stared at the back of Firenze's head, which was dappled silver in the moonlight.**

Luna: He had unicorn blood on his head?

Neville: No, Luna, no he didn't.

**"But who'd be that desperate?" he wondered aloud. "If you're going to be cursed forever, death's better, isn't it?"**

Minerva: That's a very intelligent theory, Harry.

**"It is," Firenze agreed, "unless all you need is to stay alive long enough to drink something else**

Horace: Something else?

Ginny: Just listen, will you?

—**something that will bring you back to full strength and power—something that will mean you can never die. **

Horace: Never die? Never die? Where have I heard that before?

George: In your nightmares!

**Mr. Potter, do you know what is hidden in the school at this very moment?"**

**"The Philosopher's Stone! **

Horace: Oh…

**Of course—the Elixir of Life! But I don't understand who—"**

Hermione: Do you need to ask?

**"Can you think of nobody who has waited many years to return to power, who has clung to life, awaiting their chance?"**

(George hums the tune used on Darth Vader's arrival AGAIN!!).

**It was as though an iron fist had clenched suddenly around Harry's heart. **

Luna: Ouch.

Neville: Why do I bother?

**Over the rustling of the trees, he seemed to hear once more what Hagrid had told him on the night they had met: **

George: That your uncle was a 'great prune'?

**"Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die."**

Harry: He had no idea.

**"Do you mean," Harry croaked, "that was Vol-"**

Ron: Don't say the name, Harry.

**"Harry! Harry, are you all right?"**

Harry: I just found out that Voldemort was like just in front of me, what would you say?

**Hermione was running toward them down the path, Hagrid puffing along behind her.**

Ginny: She makes him sound like a steam train.

**"I'm fine," said Harry, hardly knowing what he was saying. "The unicorn's dead, Hagrid, it's in that clearing back there."**

Luna: That was blunt.

Harry: I was in shock!

**"This is where I leave you," Firenze murmured as Hagrid hurried off to examine the unicorn. "You are safe now."**

Ron: Oh, really?

**Harry slid off his back.**

**"Good luck, Harry Potter," said Firenze. "The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs. I hope this is one of those times."**

Harry: So did I.

**He turned and cantered back into the depths of the forest, leaving Harry shivering behind him.**

**Ron had fallen asleep in the dark common room, waiting for them to return. **

Hermione: Thanks or waiting up.

Ron: I TRIED!

**He shouted something about Quidditch fouls when Harry roughly shook him awake. **

Ron: Cheers for that.

**In a matter of seconds, though, he was wide-eyed as Harry began to tell him and Hermione what had happened in the forest.**

**Harry couldn't sit down. He paced up and down in front of the fire. **

Horace: Were you related to Albus, perchance?

**He was still shaking.**

"**Snape wants the stone for Voldemort...**

Michael: No he doesn't.

**and Voldemort's waiting in the forest... **

Harry: That bit was true.

**and all this time we thought Snape just wanted to get rich..."**

Minerva: He never really wanted fortune or fame, or anything like that.

**"Stop saying the name!" said Ron in a terrified whisper, **

George: Aww, ickle Ronniekins!

Ron: SHUT UP!!

**as if he thought Voldemort could hear them.**

Michael: Most people believe that it was a summons to him.

**Harry wasn't listening.**

Ron: Charming.

**"Firenze saved me, but he shouldn't have done so... **

Ginny: WHY NOT?

**Bane was furious... he was talking about interfering with what the planets say is going to happen... **

Horace: Fate is what it is, it is unwise to try and read it.

**They must show that Voldemort's** **coming back... **

Minerva: Or they're making it up.

**Bane thinks Firenze should have let Voldemort** **kill me... I suppose that's written in the stars as well."**

Neville: You know, that wouldn't surprise me.

**"**_**Will you stop saying the name!**_**" Ron hissed.**

George: Aw, poor Ronnie's afraid of the name!

**"So all I've got to wait for now is Snape to steal the Stone,"**

Hermione: Which won't happen.

**Harry went on feverishly, "then Voldemort** **will be able to come and finish me off... **

Ginny: So optimistic.

**Well, I suppose Bane'll be happy."**

Ginny: Well, there's something good.

**Hermione looked very frightened, but she had a word of comfort.**

**"Harry, everyone says Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of.**

Horace: He had obviously never seen Minerva in a rage.

Michael: Now there's a frightening prospect.

Minerva: MICHAEL!

**With Dumbledore around, You-Know-Who won't touch you. **

Neville: Not that he didn't try.

**Anyway, who says the centaurs are right? **

George: The centaurs do.

**It sounds like fortune-telling to me, and Professor McGonagall says that's a very imprecise branch of magic."**

Minerva: It is.

Horace: Just because of that prophecy.

Hermione: What prophecy?

Horace: Well, Minnie, here, was the subject of a prophecy which said that she would have to fight demons from her own family history in order to help the greater good… or something to that effect, any way.

Ron: Whoa!

**The sky had turned light before they stopped talking. They went to bed exhausted, their throats sore. But the night's surprises weren't over.**

Harry: Are they ever?

**When Harry pulled back his sheets, he found **

George: A-

Ginny: Seriously, STOP IT!!

**his invisibility cloak folded neatly underneath them. **

Luna: That's convenient.

**There was a note pinned to it:**

_**Just in case**_

Ginny: Ooh, cryptic messages. What next?

_A/N: Sorry my dear readers, there shall be no updates for at least a week as I am off on my holidays. Until then, watch this space._


	16. Trapdoor Trouble

Minerva: Do you mind if I read this one?

**Chapter 16 - Through the Trapdoor**

Horace: This, at least, sounds a little more interesting.

Harry: A three-headed dog, a troll and a slowly unravelling mystery are not interesting enough for you?

**In years to come, Harry would never quite remember how he had managed to get through his exams **

Harry: How-? Hang on, I don't think it's even worth asking.

**when he half expected Voldemort** **to come bursting through the door at any moment. **

George: And you say that I'm crazy!

Harry: It could happen…

Ginny: You keep telling yourself that.

**Yet the days crept by, and there could be no doubt that Fluffy was still alive and well behind the locked door.**

Minerva: Oh really? And how would you know that?

Ron: Uh…

Hermione: Next question.

**It was sweltering hot, especially in the large classroom where they did their written papers. **

Ron: That was a trauma and a half.

Neville: Tell me about it.

Luna: How do you manage to get half a trauma?

Neville: Never mind, Luna.

**They had been given special, new quills for the exams, which had been bewitched with an Anti-Cheating spell.**

George: Anyone would think you didn't trust us.

(Minerva raises an eyebrow at him).

Ginny: I get the feeling they didn't, George.

**They had practical exams as well. **

Neville: Even worse!

**Professor Flitwick called them one by one into his class to see if they could make a pineapple tap dance across a desk.**

Michael: Because that's very useful in the real world.

**Professor McGonagall watched them turn a mouse into a snuffbox**

Hermione: Do you smoke, then?

Minerva: URGH, no, I think it's a disgusting habit.

—**points were given for how pretty the snuffbox was, **

Horace: You were judging things on how "pretty" they were? Were you losing it slightly at this point?

Michael: Watch it.

Minerva: Actually, I think I might have been.

George: And it was all thanks to Fred and my good self!!

**but taken away if it had whiskers. **

Ginny: Always a down point.

Minerva: That's why Horace can't get a date.

**Snape made them all nervous, breathing down their necks while they tried to remember how to make a Forgetfulness potion.**

Michael (bored): Oh, the irony.

Hermione: She's generalising when she says 'them all' because I remembered it.

Ron: But none of us studied half as much as you did.

**Harry did the best he could, trying to ignore the stabbing pains in his forehead, which had been bothering him ever since his trip into the forest.**

Hermione: Why didn't you tell us?

Harry: I DID!

Ginny: Okay, calm down.

**Neville thought Harry had a bad case of exam nerves because Harry couldn't sleep, **

Luna: Are you getting fed up of being lied to, Neville?

Neville: Nope.

Ginny: Really?

Neville: No, I'm lying to you lot, now.

**but the truth was that Harry kept being woken by his old nightmare, except that it was now worse than ever because there was a hooded figure dripping blood in it.**

George: Oh, Merlin, my prediction from Chapter One is coming TRUE!!!!

Ginny: It surprises me that you can even remember that far back right now.

George: I remember my own creations, thank you very much.

**Maybe it was because they hadn't seen what Harry had seen in the forest, or because they didn't have scars burning on their foreheads, **

Hermione: Thank God.

**but Ron and Hermione didn't seem as worried about the Stone as Harry. **

Ron: I was far too worried about doing well in exams and Hermione was just worrying about whether she'd studies enough.

**The idea of Voldemort** **certainly scared them, **

Michael: It would be odd if it didn't.

**but he didn't keep visiting them in dreams, **

George: That sounds _so_ weird.

**and they were so busy with their studying they didn't have much time to fret about what Snape or anyone else might be up to.**

Horace: Which was actually nothing.

Ginny: Yeah, yeah.

**Their very last exam was History of Magic. **

(Ron, Harry, Ginny and Neville groan).

**One hour of answering questions about batty old wizards **

Horace: The questions were about Albus?

**who'd invented self-stirring cauldrons **

Minerva: That's all they asked you about?

Harry: No, that's all I could remember of it.

**and they'd be free, free for a whole wonderful week until their exam results came out. **

Horace: And their heart sank like stones because they found out they didn't do as well as they had hoped.

Luna: It's wonderful to know that you have so much faith in us.

**When the ghost of Professor Binns told them to put down their quills and roll up their parchment, Harry couldn't help cheering with the rest.**

Minerva: I don't blame you.

**"That was far easier than I thought it would be,"**

Ron: Speak for yourself.

**said Hermione as they joined the crowds flocking out onto the sunny grounds. "I needn't have learned about the 1637 Werewolf Code of Conduct **

Horace: Seriously?

Hermione: Yes.

Minerva: That's third year work.

Hermione: Is it?

Horace: H-how…?

**or the uprising of Elfric the Eager."**

Michael: Poor chap, with a name like that.

**Hermione always liked to go through their exam papers afterward, **

Ginny: You are kidding?

Neville: Was the exam, itself, not excruciating enough for you?

**but Ron said this made him feel ill,**

George: You're not the only one.

**so they wandered down to the lake and flopped under a tree. **

Luna: I think I prefer that option.

**The Weasley twins and Lee Jordan were tickling the tentacles of a giant squid,**

George: That was fun.

Horace: Really?

George: No, Fred was terrified that it would eat us but I bet him it wouldn't and he never backed out of a bet.

**which was basking in the warm shallows. **

Luna: I really did like that squid. I named him "Inky".

Neville: Riiiiiiiiiight…

**"No more studying," Ron sighed happily, **

Ron: Thank Merlin!

**stretching out on the grass. "You could look more cheerful, Harry, we've got a week before we find out how badly we've done, **

Michael: You really were pessimistic children.

**there's no need to worry yet."**

Harry: Of course not.

**Harry was rubbing his forehead.**

George: And every time he did, a piece of skin would come off with it until a shocking discovery was revealed. It was not Harry at all. It was, in fact, Voldy wearing a mask!

**"I wish I knew what this means!" he burst out angrily. "My scar keeps hurting—it's happened before, but never as often as this."**

**"Go to Madam Pomfrey," Hermione suggested.**

Ron: Yeah, that will help.

**"I'm not ill," said Harry. "I think it's a warning... it means danger's coming..."**

Ginny: Ooh, that's deep.

**Ron couldn't get worked up, it was too hot.**

Minerva: You are so supportive to your friends.

Ron: I'm just that nice a guy.

**"Harry, relax, Hermione's right, the Stone's safe as long as Dumbledore's around. **

Horace: Oh yes, it's all Dumbledore's doing. He's the great one.

George: First you're jealous of the two lovebirds, now you're jealous of old Dumbles. You have some issues with the green monster, Sluggy.

Luna: Green monster?

Hermione: Jealousy, Luna.

Luna: Then why the monster metaphor? Why couldn't you just say 'jealousy'?

**Anyway, we've never had any proof Snape found out how to get past Fluffy. **

Minerva: You never had any proof of any of it.

**He nearly had his leg ripped off once, **

Hermione: Elegantly put, Ron.

**he's not going to try it again in a hurry. **

George: That's what you think.

**And Neville will play Quidditch for England before Hagrid lets Dumbledore down."**

Neville: Thank you so much.

Luna: You would have thought you would have accepted the fact that you can't fly well.

George: The first step to acceptance is admitting your problem, Neville.

Ginny: Where did you get that from?

George: Um… nowhere…

**Harry nodded, but he couldn't shake off a lurking feeling that there was something he'd forgotten to do, something important. **

Neville: Now you sound like me.

**When he tried to explain this, Hermione said, "That's just the exams. **

Harry: If only.

**I woke up last night and was halfway through my Transfiguration notes before I remembered we'd done that one."**

George: Oh no, whatever shall you do?

**Harry was quite sure the unsettled feeling didn't have anything to do with work, though. **

Harry: Which is a real shame because I'd much rather be stressed about my school work.

Ron: Sarcasm is a wonderful thing…

**He watched an owl flutter toward the school across the bright blue sky, a note clamped in its mouth. Hagrid was the only one who ever sent him letters. **

Luna: Don't feel too sorry for yourself, Harry.

**Hagrid would never betray Dumbledore. **

Horace: Not on purpose, anyway.

Minerva: Shut up.

**Hagrid would never tell anyone how to get past Fluffy... **

Horace: Unless he was drunk.

**never... but—**

Horace: Ah, he realised it.

**Harry suddenly jumped to his feet.**

George: And hit his head on a shelf.

**"Where're you going?" said Ron sleepily.**

Hermione: Were you ever not sleepy?

Ron: Well…

Ginny: Don't you start with the innuendoes as well!

**"I've just thought of something," **

Harry: First time for everything.

**said Harry. He had turned white. "We've got to go and see Hagrid, now."**

**"Why?" **

George: Why not?

**panted Hermione, hurrying to keep up.**

**"Don't you think it's a bit odd," **

Luna: Yes, Hagrid is a bit odd. What's your point?

Harry: I wasn't talking about Hagrid.

Luna: Oh...

**said Harry, scrambling up the grassy slope, "that what Hagrid wants more than anything else is a dragon, and a stranger turns up who just happens to have an egg in his pocket? **

Horace: Ah, I see where you're going with this.

**How many people wander around with dragon eggs if it's against wizard law? **

Michael: You would be surprised.

**Lucky they found Hagrid, don't you think? **

Luna: Coincidence?

Neville: I doubt it.

**Why didn't I see it before?"**

Luna: Because you weren't looking for it.

**"What are you talking about?" **

Harry: Wouldn't you like to know?

Hermione: Yes. That's the point.

**said Ron, but Harry, sprinting across the grounds toward the forest, didn't answer.**

**Hagrid was sitting in an armchair outside his house; his trousers and sleeves were rolled up, **

George: So glad I didn't see that.

**and he was shelling peas into a large bowl.**

Ron: But I really don't see the point.

**"Hullo," he said, smiling. "Finished yer exams? Got time fer a drink?"**

Minerva: Hagrid, they're children.

Horace: They can't hear you.

**"Yes, please," said Ron, but Harry cut him off.**

**"No, we're in a hurry. **

Ron: Cheers, mate.

**Hagrid, I've got to ask you something. **

George: Are you half ape?

**You know that night you won Norbert? What did the stranger you were playing cards with look like?"**

Ginny: If he was carrying an illegal dragon egg, my bet is that he wouldn't let you know what he looked like.

**"Dunno," said Hagrid casually, "he wouldn' take his cloak off."**

Luna: I suppose that's not a good thing.

**He saw the three of them look stunned and raised his eyebrows.**

George: But they disappeared into his hair and were never seen again.

**"It's not that unusual, yeh get a lot o' funny folk in the Hog's Head**

Michael: I hate that place.

Harry: I hope you never told Aberforth that.

—**that's the pub down in the village. Mighta bin a dragon dealer, mightn' he? **

Michael: In a country where dragon-breeding is illegal?

**I never saw his face, he kept his hood up."**

Ron: If that's not shady, I don't know what is.

**Harry sank down next to the bowl of peas. **

**"What did you talk to him about, Hagrid? Did you mention Hogwarts at all?"**

Minerva: I should hope not.

**"Mighta come up," **

Minerva: Oh, Merlin.

**said Hagrid, frowning as he tried to remember. "Yeah... he asked what I did, an' I told him I was gamekeeper here... **

Hermione: Seriously, thank heavens he never had to hide his real identity.

**He asked a bit about the sorta creatures I took after... so I told him... **

Ron: Blast-Ended Skrewts and Hippogriffs and anything on earth that was remarkably dangerous.

**an' I said what I'd always really wanted was a dragon... an' then... I can' remember too well, 'cause he kept buyin' me drinks...**

(Minerva puts her head in her hand and starts muttering things like "why?" and "idiot").

**Let's see... yeah, then he said he had the dragon egg an' we could play cards fer it if I wanted... **

Hermione: Couldn't he see that the guy was trying to get rid of it because it was illegal?

Michael: Yes, but what if there's another reason for it?

**but he had ter be sure I could handle it, he didn' want it ter go ter any old home... **

Ron: It was a bloody dragon!

**So I told him, after Fluffy, a dragon would be easy..."**

Horace: Oh, he didn't tell him, did he?

**"And did he—did he seem interested in Fluffy?" **

Ginny: That was a stupid question.

**Harry asked, trying to keep his voice calm.**

Hermione: And failing miserably.

**"Well—yeah—how many three-headed dogs d'yeh meet, even around Hogwarts? **

Horace: It's a school, I wouldn't bet it was many.

**So I told him, Fluffy's a piece o' cake if yeh know how to calm him down, jus' play him a bit o' music an' he'll go straight off ter sleep—"**

Neville: Oh, Merlin.

**Hagrid suddenly looked horrified.**

Minerva: So he should!

**"I shouldn'ta told yeh that!" he blurted out. "Forget I said it! **

Michael: Like that's going to happen.

**Hey—where're yeh goin'?"**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione didn't speak to each other at all until they came to a halt in the entrance hall, which seemed very cold and gloomy after the grounds.**

Luna: Just like on Halloween. It's really creepy then.

**"We've got to go to Dumbledore," said Harry. "Hagrid told that stranger how to get past Fluffy, **

George: And that, kiddiewinks, is why you shouldn't overdo it on the alcohol front.

**and it was either Snape or Voldemort under that cloak**

Ron: No it wasn't.

—**it must've been easy, once he'd got Hagrid drunk. I just hope Dumbledore believes us.**

Horace: He's believe anything.

Michael: He was a damn sight better man than you are.

Horace: Don't be stupid.

Minerva: My husband is not stupid, and he's not the only protective one, either. Albus Dumbledore was a great man. Leave it there.

**Firenze might back us up if Bane doesn't stop him. Where's Dumbledore's office?"**

Neville: Ah, that is the question.

**They looked around, as if hoping to see a sign pointing them in the right direction. **

Ginny: As if that would happen.

George: It might...

**They had never been told where Dumbledore lived, nor did they know anyone who had been sent to see him.**

Minerva: Because he didn't do discipline. Even when he was teaching me, he was terrible at it.

Hermione: Did you get in trouble much when you were at school?

Michael: Oh yeah, Min was a wild one.

Horace: But, surprisingly, she was top of all her classes.

Minerva: Because I'm just that good.

Michael: That's true. (Enter snogging session number nine hundred and seventy three).

Horace: URGH! Put it away!

**"We'll just have to—" Harry began, but a voice suddenly rang across the hall.**

**"What are you three doing inside?"**

George: Just planning on saving the school and potentially the whole wizarding community.

**It was Professor McGonagall, carrying a large pile of books.**

Ron: Now you really are sounding like Hermione.

**"We want to see Professor Dumbledore," said Hermione, rather bravely, Harry and Ron thought.**

Hermione: Well I am a Gryffindor.

**"See Professor Dumbledore?" **

Horace: Losing your hearing, were you?

**Professor McGonagall repeated, as though this was a very fishy thing to want to do.** **"Why?"**

George: Don't tell her!

Ginny: George, she's sitting right there.

(George looks around slowly) .

George: ARGH!! When did you get here?

Minerva: I've been here the whole time.

George: Are you sure about that?

Luna: Can we just move on please?

**Harry swallowed—now what?**

**"It's sort of secret," **

Horace: Bad move. Nobody keeps secrets from Minerva Grace McGonagall.

Harry: Grace?

Minerva: Blame my mother.

**he said, but he wished at once he hadn't, because Professor McGonagall's nostrils flared.**

Michael: Oh, you _are_ in trouble.

**"Professor Dumbledore left ten minutes ago," she said coldly. "He received an urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic and flew off for London at once."**

Horace: Flew? He went by broomstick?

Michael: He was actually rather good at flying. Staff vs Student Tournament proved it.

**"He's **_**gone**_**?" said Harry frantically. "**_**Now?**_**"**

Minerva: That is what I said.

**"Professor Dumbledore is a very great wizard, **

Horace: That can be debated.

Everyone else: No it can't!

**Potter, he has many demands on his time—"**

**"But this is important."**

Horace: That's everybody's excuse.

**"Something you have to say is more important than the Ministry of Magic, Potter?"**

Harry: Yes.

Michael: I think this was before old Fudge decided to make an absolute prat of himself.

Minerva: No, he did that all his life. This was before I gave up on hiding it from the students.

**"Look," said Harry, throwing caution to the winds,** **"Professor—it's about the Philosopher's Stone—"**

George: Dun, dun, dun…

**Whatever Professor McGonagall had expected, it wasn't that. **

Neville: That is severely unsurprising.

**The books she was carrying tumbled out of her arms, but she didn't pick them up.**

Horace: Sloppy work, Minnie.

**"How do you know—?" she spluttered.**

Minerva: I do not splutter!

**"Professor, I think—I **_**know—**_**that Sn— that someone's **

Michael: Nice attempt at a cover-up.

Harry: I almost slipped.

**going to try and steal the Stone. I've got to talk to Professor Dumbledore." She eyed him with a mixture of shock and suspicion.**

Luna: I've never heard of that before.

**"Professor Dumbledore will be back tomorrow," she said finally. "I don't know how you found out about the Stone, but rest assured, no one can possibly steal it, it's too well protected."**

Ginny: That's what you think.

**"But Professor—"**

George: Don't argue with her.

**"Potter, I know what I'm talking about,"**

Horace: Or, at least, that's what she'll tell you.

**she said shortly. She bent down and gathered up the fallen books. **

Neville: You couldn't have used your wand?

Minerva: I left it in my office.

Michael: Wandless magic?

Minerva: I was in no mood for it. Anyway, why the sudden interrogation? All I did was pick up some books.

Neville: We're bored.

**I suggest you all go back outside and enjoy the sunshine."**

George: Could you really see that happening?

Minerva: No, Harry's too much like James.

Michael: Yeah, but James would have gone outside to make it look like he had listened to you and then started plotting pranks out there.

Harry: You knew my dad?

Michael: Everybody knew your father.

**But they didn't.**

Neville: Surprise, surprise.

**"It's tonight," said Harry, once he was sure Professor McGonagall was out of earshot. "Snape's going through the trapdoor tonight. **

George: Oh no he isn't.

Ginny: This is not a pantomime!

**He's found out everything he needs, and now he's got Dumbledore out of the way. **

Minerva: Not completely.

**He sent that note, I bet the Ministry of Magic will get a real shock when Dumbledore turns up."**

Minerva: Actually, that was a real call from Kingsley.

**"But what can we—"**

Ron: Why'd you stop? Oh- oh… that's right…

Luna: What's right?

Neville: I think we're about to find out.

**Hermione gasped. Harry and Ron wheeled round.**

George: Only to find a short figure completely encased in a thick block of ice. It was then that they noticed that the figure was wearing a turban. It was Quirrell.

**Snape was standing there.**

Ginny: So anticlimactic after George's version.

George: Ha! I have converted you!

**"Good afternoon," he said smoothly.**

Horace: Really, though, Severus? Smooth?

Minerva: Like you can talk. You couldn't be smooth if your life depended on it.

Horace: How would you know?

Minerva: You tried chatting up every member of the female staff. None of us responded at all and you were crushed for about a month.

Michael: He tried chatting you up?

Minerva: It was nothing, really. Like I said, it made no impact and he was awful at it. Besides, you're the only one for me. You know that.

**They stared at him.**

Luna: That's very impolite.

**"You shouldn't be inside on a day like this," he said, with an odd, twisted smile.**

Neville: As if he weren't creepy enough.

**"We were—" Harry began, without any idea what he was going to say.**

Ron: Sometimes you are a really terrible liar.

Harry: Thank you.

**"You want to be more careful," said Snape. "Hanging around like this, people will think you're up to something. **

Hermione: We were up to something.

**And Gryffindor really can't afford to lose any more points, can it?"**

George: Oooh, claws out. MIAOW!

Ginny: That was ever so slightly disturbing.

**Harry flushed. They turned to go outside, but Snape called them back.**

Neville: Oh bugger.

**"Be warned, Potter—any more night time wanderings and I will personally make sure you are expelled. **

Minerva: It would never happen.

**Good day to you."**

Ron: He didn't really mean that. Git.

**He strode off in the direction of the staffroom.**

**Out on the stone steps, Harry turned to the others.**

**"Right, here's what we've got to do," **

George: Ooh, he has a plan.

**he whispered urgently. "One of us has got to keep an eye on Snape**

Luna: I'm pretty sure he'd notice you walking around with your eye on his shoulder.

Hermione: Number one, we were too short to reach his shoulder. Number two, he didn't mean_ literally_ keep an eye on Snape.

Luna: Then why did he say it?

Neville: Seriously, Hermione, I've been trying to explain things like that to Luna for ages and it doesn't work. Just save your breath.

—**wait outside the staff room and follow him if he leaves it. **

Ginny: Stalker mode.

**Hermione, you'd better do that."**

Michael: May I ask why?

Harry: Ron's explanation was far better than mine. Just listen to this.

**"Why me?"**

**"It's obvious," said Ron. **

Ginny: Finally, something that Ron finds obvious.

**"You can pretend to be waiting for Professor Flitwick, you know." He put on a high voice, **

George: Oh, please, no.

**"'Oh Professor Flitwick, I'm so worried, I think I got question fourteen **_**b**_** wrong...'"**

Hermione: I didn't.

**"Oh, shut up," said Hermione, but she agreed to go and watch out for Snape.**

Hermione: Actually, the whole thing was rather exciting.

**"And we'd better stay outside the third-floor corridor," **

Neville: That cannot go well.

**Harry told Ron. "Come on."**

**But that part of the plan didn't work. **

Ginny: When does a plan ever work properly?

**No sooner had they reached the door separating Fluffy from the rest of the school than **

George: A giant yeti jumped out and swallowed them home.

**Professor McGonagall turned up again and this time, she lost her temper.**

Michael: Which very rarely happens.

Hermione: Unless she's in the company of Delores Umbridge.

**"I suppose you think you're harder to get past than a pack of enchantments!" **

Ginny: Please, don't inflate his ego any more.

**she stormed. "Enough of this nonsense! If I hear you've come anywhere near here again, I'll take another fifty points from Gryffindor! **

George: From your own house?

**Yes, Weasley, from my own house!"**

George: How in the name of Merlin's cheesy feet did you know I was going to say that?

Minerva: I'm amazing. Really.

**Harry and Ron went back to the common room. Harry had just said, "At least Hermione's on Snape's tail," when the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and Hermione came in.**

Neville: Ah. That's not good.

**"I'm sorry, Harry!" she wailed. **

Hermione: I do not wail!

Horace: No, seriously, this Mini-Minnie thing is getting quite freaky.

**"Snape came out and asked me what I was doing, so I said I was waiting for Flitwick, **

Michael: Bad idea.

**and Snape went to get him, and I've only just got away, I don't know where Snape went."**

Hermione: I really am sorry.

Harry: It's fine, really.

**"Well, that's it then, isn't it?" Harry said.**

George: Not giving up, are we?

Harry: Not on your life.

**The other two stared at him. He was pale and his eyes were glittering.**

Horace: Oh, he had a Dumbledore moment.

**"I'm going out of here tonight and I'm going to try and get to the Stone first."**

Michael: Oh no.

**"You're mad!" said Ron.**

Horace: I second that.

**"You can't!" said Hermione. "After what McGonagall and Snape have said? You'll be expelled!"**

Michael: You'd probably be expelled, anyway.

Minerva: No way, Albus wouldn't do that to them.

**"SO WHAT?" **

Luna: _"So what?"_ Getting expelled means losing your wand forever.

**Harry shouted. "Don't you understand? If Snape gets hold of the Stone, Voldemort's coming back! **

Luna: Though, that may be worse than losing your wand.

**Haven't you heard what it was like when he was trying to take over? **

Minerva and Michael: Don't remind me!

**There won't be any Hogwarts to get expelled from! **

Ginny: Pleasant as ever.

**He'll flatten it, **

Minerva: I wouldn't be so sure about that. He loved this school when he was here.

**or turn it into a school for the Dark Arts!**

Neville: And wouldn't Malfoy just love that?

**Losing points doesn't matter anymore, **

Horace: No, it will mean that Slytherin win!

**can't you see? D'you think he'll leave you and your families alone if Gryffindor wins the house cup? **

Hermione: My family are Muggles. It never made much sense to them.

Ron: Seriously, point not well made, Harry.

**If I get caught before I can get to the Stone, well, I'll have to go back to the Dursleys and wait for Voldemort** **to find me there, **

Minerva: Oh, Harry.

**it's only dying a bit later than I would have, because I'm never going over to the Dark Side! **

George: Use the Force, Luke, use the Force!!

Luna: Who's Luke?

Harry: Star Wars, Luna.

**I'm going through that trapdoor tonight and nothing you two say is going to stop me! **

Minerva: There's my lion.

Ginny: Lion?

Horace: Gryffindors are lions, Slytherins are snakes, Ravenclaws are ravens and Hufflepuffs are badgers. It's been going since before I started teaching here.

**Voldemort** **killed my parents, remember?"**

**He glared at them.**

Horace: Minnie, you really must stop passing your habits off onto your students.

Minerva: And you really must stop calling me 'Minnie' or I might just have to find someone to castrate you for me.

Michael: Ouch. I would stop if I were you, Horace, she means business.

**"You're right Harry," said Hermione in a small voice.**

Harry: Of course I was.

**"I'll use the invisibility cloak," said Harry. "It's just lucky I got it back."**

Ron: Too right.

**"But will it cover all three of us?" said Ron.**

Luna: Three of you?

**"All—all three of us?"**

Neville: That's what he said.

**"Oh, come off it, you don't think we'd let you go alone?"**

Ron: Of course not. Don't be so stupid.

**"Of course not," said Hermione briskly. "How do you think you'd get to the Stone without us? **

Harry: I wouldn't. Thanks you guys. (Group hug *YAY*).

**I'd better go and look through my books, there might be something useful..."**

George: No time for that, Batgirl, to the Batmobile!!

**"But if we get caught, you two will be expelled, too."**

Ginny: Like they'd expel the school's star student!

Hermione: Aw, thank you.

**"Not if I can help it," said Hermione grimly. "Flitwick told me in secret that I got a hundred and twelve percent on his exam. **

Minerva: Filius told me about that, well done.

Horace: Isn't that what you got Minerva?

Minerva: Yes, and thank you for not calling me by that horrid nickname.

Luna: I think it's cute.

Michael: That's exactly why she detests it.

**They're not throwing me out after that."**

Horace: Don't get too cocky.

**After dinner the three of them sat nervously apart in the common room. Nobody bothered them; **

Harry: Thank Merlin.

**none of the Gryffindors had anything to say to Harry any more, after all. **

Horace: My snakes would never do that.

Minerva: No, they would all join in and create a school-wide riot.

Horace: Sounds about right.

Michael: Nah, the badgers would never join in.

Ron: They sound like names for Quidditch teams.

Hermione: Ron, there are house Quidditch teams.

Ron (with pink ears): Oh yeah…

**This was the first night he hadn't been upset by it. **

Neville: I had kind of given up on it by that point.

**Hermione was skimming through all her notes, hoping to come across one of the enchantments they were about to try to break. **

Neville: I wouldn't count on it.

**Harry and Ron didn't talk much. Both of them were thinking about what they were about to do.**

George: Watch it, your two brain cells might explode.

**Slowly, the room emptied as people drifted off to bed.**

Luna: Drift is such a lovely word…

Ginny: If you say so.

**"Better get the cloak," Ron muttered, as Lee Jordan finally left, stretching and yawning. Harry ran upstairs to their dark dormitory. He pulled out the cloak and then his eyes fell on the flute Hagrid had given him for Christmas. **

George: Brainwave!

**He pocketed it to use on Fluffy—he didn't feel much like singing.**

Harry: I can't sing. Not at all.

Minerva: I'm sure you're not as bad as you think.

Ron: No really, he used to sing in the shower and he killed my ears completely.

**He ran back down to the common room.**

**"We'd better put the cloak on here, and make sure it covers all three of us—if Filch spots one of our feet wandering along on its own—"**

Michael: He would think he was going mad.

**"What are you doing?" said a voice from the corner of the room. Neville appeared from behind an armchair, **

George: Ooh, what were you doing behind there, Neville?

Neville: Looking for Trevor.

Hermione: You must have liked him enough to keep looking for him, though.

Neville: No, Gran would have murdered me if I lost him.

**clutching Trevor the toad, who looked as though he'd been making another bid for freedom.**

Neville: Sometimes, I wished I had let him go.

**"Nothing, Neville, nothing," said Harry, hurriedly putting the cloak behind his back.**

Luna: He's not going to swallow that.

**Neville stared at their guilty faces.**

**"You're going out again," he said.**

Neville: I'm not as thick as you think.

Minerva: We never thought you were thick, Neville, just that you were lacking confidence.

**"No, no, no," said Hermione. **

Harry: You were an awful liar.

Ron: She still is.

**"No, we're not. Why don't you go to bed, Neville?"**

Ginny: Like that would work.

**Harry looked at the grandfather clock by the door. **

Ginny: Conveniently placed.

**They couldn't afford to waste any more time, Snape might even now be playing Fluffy to sleep.**

Ron: Could he play any instruments?

Michael: Well, there was this time when he got involuntarily hammered at one of our New Year parties and he played a guitar. If you could call it playing. It was more of striking the strings in his blind drunkenness. Very entertaining, though.

**"You can't go out," **

George: Technically, they can, there's no spell keeping them in.

Minerva: Now that is a marvellous idea.

**said Neville, "you'll be caught again. Gryffindor will be in even more trouble."**

Neville: But that was hard to imagine.

**"You don't understand," said Harry, "this is important."**

**But Neville was clearly steeling himself to do something desperate.**

Ginny: Uh oh.

"**I won't let you do it," he said, hurrying to stand in front of the portrait hole. "I'll—I'll fight you!"**

George: Yikes... I don't quite know what to say to that…

Hermione: Makes a change.

**"**_**Neville**_**, "Ron exploded, "get away from that hole and don't be an idiot—"**

**"Don't you call me an idiot!" **

Michael: Go Neville! Way to stand up for yourself.

Neville: Didn't end too well, though.

Michael: What do you mean?

Harry: You'll see.

**said Neville. "I don't think you should be breaking any more rules! And you were the one who told me to stand up to people!"**

Ron: I didn't mean us!

**"Yes, but not to **_**us**_**," **

Ron: See?

**said Ron in exasperation. "Neville, you don't know what you're doing."**

Neville: Yes I did.

**He took a step forward and Neville dropped Trevor the toad, who leapt out of sight.**

**"Go on then, try and hit me!" said Neville, raising his fists. "I'm ready!"**

**Harry turned to Hermione.**

**"**_**Do something**_**," he said desperately.**

Hermione: Don't leave a man to do a woman's job.

Minerva: Well said.

Michael: HEY!

**Hermione stepped forward.**

**"Neville," she said, "I'm really, really sorry about this."**

Luna: I don't like the sound of this.

Neville: Neither did I.

**She raised her wand.**

George: Dun, dun, dun!

Ginny: Will you stop that?

George: I think you already know the answer to that, dear sister.

**"**_**Petrificus Totalus!**_**" she cried, pointing it at Neville.**

Neville: Thanks for that.

Hermione (blushing): I am sorry.

**Neville's arms snapped to his sides. His legs sprang together. His whole body rigid, he swayed where he stood and then fell flat on his face, stiff as a board.**

Horace: Well cast, methinks. Very good job.

Hermione :Thank you.

Neville: AHEM! She cast it on me! It was NOT funny!!

**Hermione ran to turn him over. **

George: Oh, please stop…

**Neville's jaws were jammed together so he couldn't speak. Only his eyes were moving, looking at them in horror. **

Luna: Poor Neville.

Neville: Finally, some sympathy!!

**"What've you done to him?" Harry whispered.**

George: She killed him. Bwah ha ha ha ha!!

**"It's the full Body-Bind," said Hermione miserably. "Oh, Neville, I'm so sorry."**

**"We had to, Neville, no time to explain," said Harry.**

Neville: Thanks for the heads-up.

**"You'll understand later, Neville," said Ron as they stepped over him and pulled on the invisibility cloak.**

**But leaving Neville lying motionless on the floor didn't feel like a very good omen. **

Ron: She wasn't kidding, was she?

**In their nervous state, every statue's shadow looked like Filch, **

Michael: I can see the relation to the hunch-backed wizard and possibly the one eyed witch, but that's about it.

**every distant breath of wind sounded like Peeves swooping down on them.**

Horace: You really were getting paranoid.

**At the foot of the first set of stairs, they spotted Mrs. Norris skulking near the top.**

George: Bloody cat!

**"Oh, let's kick her, just this once," **

George: Oh, yes, let's do that!

**Ron whispered in Harry's ear, but Harry shook his head. **

Ron: Aww… You couldn't just humour me?

Harry: Sorry mate. Any other time I would have let you.

**As they climbed carefully around her, Mrs. Norris turned her lamp-like eyes on them, but didn't do anything.**

Luna: How can you be sure she was looking at you?

**They didn't meet anyone else until they reached the staircase up to the third floor. **

George: That's good. Wait, she said until… oh… that's not so good.

**Peeves** **was bobbing halfway up, loosening the carpet so that people would trip.**

Minerva: Bloody nuisance!

Harry: May I remind you about the chandelier?

Minerva: Oh… yeah… but that was for a good cause, you know that.

Hermione: What are you talking about?

Harry: Oh, never mind.

**"Who's there?" he said suddenly as they climbed toward him. **

Neville: Uh oh.

**He narrowed his wicked black eyes. "Know you're there, even if I can't see you. Are you ghoulie or ghostie or wee student beastie?"**

Ginny: Ooh, he turned Scottish.

**He rose up in the air and floated there, squinting at them.**

**"Should call Filch, I should, **

Ron: I wouldn't put it past him.

**if something's a-creeping around unseen."**

**Harry had a sudden idea.**

Ginny: Hoorah!

**"Peeves," he said, in a hoarse whisper, "the Bloody Baron has his own reasons for being invisible."**

Michael: That, my boy, was a stroke of genius.

Harry: It does happen sometimes.

Ron: Well, there's a first time for everything.

**Peeves almost fell out of the air in shock. **

Neville: Aw, what's with the almost here?

**He caught himself in time and hovered about a foot off the stairs.** **"So sorry, your bloodiness, Mr. Baron, Sir," **

Hermione: He really was scared of the Bloody Baron, wasn't he?

**he said greasily. **

Horace: Now he sounds like Severus.

Minerva: Done with the insults yet?

**"My mistake, my mistake—I didn't see you—of course I didn't, you're invisible**

Ginny: Ah, poor Peeves.

George: I can't believe you just said that.

Ginny: He helped with some of your pranks, didn't he?

—**forgive old Peevsie his little joke, sir."**

**"I have business here, Peeves," croaked Harry. "Stay away from this place tonight."**

Michael: Honestly, that was amazing. No wonder you're an Auror.

**"I will, sir, I most certainly will," said Peeves, rising up in the air again. "Hope your business goes well, Baron, I'll not bother you." **

(All laugh).

Ron: Awesome. Simply awesome.

**And he scooted off.**

**"**_**Brilliant**_**, Harry!" whispered Ron.**

**A few seconds later, they were there, outside the third-floor corridor—and the door was already ajar.**

Luna: Ah, that means someone's already been there.

**"Well, there you are," Harry said quietly, "Snape's already got past Fluffy."**

Horace: No he hasn't.

**Seeing the open door somehow seemed to impress upon all three of them what was facing them. **

Minerva: Yet a three-headed dog didn't.

**Underneath the cloak, Harry turned to the other two.**

Luna: That must've been difficult.

**"If you want to go back, I won't blame you," **

Ron: Don't be daft.

Hermione: I couldn't live with myself if I'd known you were in there alone.

Ginny: So, instead, you live with Ron.

Ron: HEY!

**he said. "You can take the cloak, I won't need it now."**

**"Don't be stupid," said Ron.**

**"We're coming," said Hermione.**

George: I would stop arguing; you're losing time.

**Harry pushed the door open.**

**As the door creaked, low, rumbling growls met their ears. All three of the dog's noses sniffed madly in their direction, even though it couldn't see them.**

Neville: Oh, that's reassuring.

**"What's that at its feet?" Hermione whispered.**

George: My mind is whizzing with possibilities.

Ginny: Please don't share them.

George: Truly, I'm hurt.

**"Looks like a harp," said Ron. "Snape must have left it there."**

Horace: You know what a harp is?

**"It must wake up the moment you stop playing," said Harry. "Well, here goes..."**

**He put Hagrid's flute to his lips and blew. It wasn't really a tune, **

Harry: I am definitely not musically gifted.

**but from the first note the beast's eyes began to droop. **

Hermione: If it didn't start to fall asleep, we would have been dead.

Ron: Literally.

**Harry hardly drew breath. Slowly, the dog's growls ceased—it tottered on its paws and fell to its knees, **

George: Shaking the whole castle.

**then it slumped to the ground, fast asleep.**

**"Keep playing," Ron warned Harry as they slipped out of the cloak and crept toward the trapdoor. **

Horace: I was just thinking –

Minerva: Oh no, the world is ending.

Horace: - Where is Fluffy now?

Minerva: That is actually a very good question.

Horace: Finally, an answer she doesn't know!

**They could feel the dog's hot, smelly breath as they approached the giant heads. **

Harry: Hagrid really should have invested in some mouthwash for Fluffy.

**"I think we'll be able to pull the door open," said Ron, peering over the dog's back. "Want to go first, Hermione?"**

Ron: Well, they do say 'ladies first'.

Hermione: Trust you to choose that moment to become a gentleman!

**"No, I don't!"**

**"All right." Ron gritted his teeth and stepped carefully over the dog's legs. He bent and pulled the ring of the trapdoor, which swung up and open.**

George: Then, suddenly, from inside came a thunderous roar and-

Ginny: GIVE IT A BREAK!

George: Okay, okay, geez.

**"What can you see?" Hermione said anxiously.**

**"Nothing—just black—there's no way of climbing down, we'll just have to drop."**

Hermione: That's very comforting; knowing that we might all plunge to our death.

**Harry, who was still playing the flute, waved at Ron to get his attention and pointed at himself.**

Luna: Yay, I like charades.

**"You want to go first? Are you sure?" said Ron. "I don't know how deep this thing goes. Give the flute to Hermione so she can keep him asleep."**

Hermione: I was no good at music, either.

Michael: My parents forced me to learn musical instruments when I was younger.

Horace: My father made me learn to play the bagpipes even though I wasn't Scottish.

Minerva: Oh, come on, not all Scottish people play the bagpipes!

**Harry handed the flute over. In the few seconds' silence, the dog growled and twitched, but the moment Hermione began to play, it fell back into its deep sleep.**

Ginny: That could get potentially annoying.

**Harry climbed over it and looked down through the trapdoor. There was no sign of the bottom.**

Neville: Designed to make it look even more scary.

George: Well, they weren't exactly going to put a ladder down to it, were they?

**He lowered himself through the hole until he was hanging on by his fingertips. **

Luna: Ooh, painful.

**Then he looked up at Ron and said, "If anything happens to me, don't follow. Go straight to the owlery and send Hedwig to Dumbledore, right?"**

George, Michael, Horace and Minerva: Bloody hell!

**"Right," said Ron.**

**"See you in a minute, I hope..."**

Neville: Ah, optimism…

**And Harry let go. Cold, damp air rushed past him as he fell down, down, down and— **

George: He fell straight on to a thick, sharp metal spike.

Harry: Thank Merlin that isn't true!

**FLUMP. **

Luna: Is that even a word?

**With a funny, muffled sort of thump he landed on something soft. **

Ginny: Well, there's a contrast to George's theory.

**He sat up and felt around, his eyes not used to the gloom. It felt as though he was sitting on some sort of plant. **

Neville: Ah, Pomona's enchantment!

**"It's okay!" he called up to the light the size of a postage stamp, which was the open trapdoor, "it's a soft landing, you can jump!"**

Ron: That was an awful experience.

Harry: Learning that it was a soft fall and that I was safe or jumping down?

**Ron followed right away. He landed, sprawled next to Harry.**

**"What's this stuff?" were his first words.**

Hermione: Like he would know.

Harry: I am still here, you know!

**"Dunno, some sort of plant thing. I suppose it's here to break the fall.**

Minerva: I wouldn't count on it.

**Come on, Hermione!"**

**The distant music stopped. There was a loud bark from the dog, but Hermione had already jumped. She landed on Harry's other side.**

Luna: Ouch.

Neville: LUNA!! Not literally 'his side'. Rowling meant to the side of him! OKAY?

George:_ Somebody's_ stressed out.

**"We must be miles under the school," she said.**

Minerva: About half a mile, actually.

**"Lucky this plant thing's here, really," said Ron.**

Ginny: I highly doubt that.

**"**_**Lucky!**_**" shrieked Hermione. "Look at you both!"**

George: Hey, just because they're not lucky with the ladies, doesn't mean you can pick on them, Hermione!

(Hermione just rolls her eyes).

**She leapt up and struggled toward a damp wall. She had to struggle because the moment she had landed, the plant had started to twist snakelike tendrils around her ankles.**

Neville: Devil's Snare.

**As for Harry and Ron, their legs had already been bound tightly in long creepers without their noticing.**

Michael: How did you manage to not notice that?

(Ron and Harry just shrug).

Hermione: Guys!

**Hermione had managed to free herself before the plant got a firm grip on her. Now she watched in horror as the two boys fought to pull the plant off them, **

Horace: I wouldn't so that, if I were you.

Neville: I thought you were awful at Herbology, Horace?

Horace: And why would you think that?

Neville: Well, a 'T' at OWL level…

Horace: H-how… do you…?

Neville: I have all the past records of all Herbology students.

Michael: He was only ever interested in plants that could make him a bit of money.

Horace: Can't argue with that…

**but the more they strained against it, the tighter and faster the plant wound around them.**

Harry: Actually, it felt a bit like having a rather bad massage.

Ron: That was slowly trying to choke us to death.

**"Stop moving!" Hermione ordered them. "I know what this is—it's Devil's Snare!"**

Luna: Appropriate name, isn't it?

Neville: I think that was kind of the point of the name, Luna.

**"Oh, I'm so glad we know what it's called, that's a great help," **

Ginny: I didn't know you did sarcasm, Ron.

**snarled Ron, leaning back, trying to stop the plant from curling around his neck. **

**"Shut up, I'm trying to remember how to kill it!" said Hermione.**

Harry: Do it before it kills us!

**"Well, hurry up, I can't breathe!" Harry gasped, wrestling with it as it curled around his chest.**

**"Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare... what did Professor Sprout say?**

Neville: It can't abide light or heat.

George: Like Snape, then?

—**it likes the dark and the damp—"**

**"So light a fire!" Harry choked.**

Hermione: YAY! Some logic!

**"Yes—of course—but there's no wood!"**

George: Wood?

Ginny: Use your wand, Hermione! YOUR WAND!

**Hermione cried, wringing her hands.**

**"HAVE YOU GONE MAD?" Ron bellowed. "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?"**

Ginny: YAY!! Ron knows something!

Ron: It does happen occasionally.

**"Oh, right!" said Hermione, and she whipped out her wand, waved it, muttered something, and sent a jet of the same bluebell flames she had used on Snape **

**at the plant. **

Michael: Well, at least you're all learning things in the process.

**In a matter of seconds, the two boys felt it loosening its grip as it cringed away from the light and warmth.**

**Wriggling and flailing, it unravelled itself from their bodies, and they were able to pull free.**

Ron: Thank Merlin for Hermione!

Harry: Here, here!

(Hermione blushes).

**"Lucky you pay attention in Herbology, Hermione," said Harry as he joined her by the wall, wiping sweat off his face.**

Ron: yeah, because we didn't.

**"Yeah," said Ron, "and lucky Harry doesn't lose his head in a crisis—'there's no wood,' honestly."**

Hermione: I had a Muggle moment.

**"This way," said Harry, pointing down a stone passageway, which was the only way forward.**

George: Unless you fly back up the trapdoor.

Hermione: But then that's going backwards, not forwards.

George: Alright, don't get your wand in a knot.

**All they could hear apart from their footsteps was the gentle drip of water trickling down the walls. The passageway sloped downward, and Harry was reminded of Gringotts. **

Ron: Well, there weren't little carts whizzing around with goblins trying to bite your knees.

**With an unpleasant jolt of the heart, he remembered the dragons said to be guarding vaults in the wizards' bank. If they met a dragon, a fully-grown dragon**

Michael: Then you would probably be toast.

Harry: Literally.

—**Norbert had been bad enough...**

Ron: No joke.

**"Can you hear something?" Ron whispered.**

**Harry listened. A soft rustling and clinking seemed to be coming from up ahead.**

Luna: The suits of armour?

**"Do you think it's a ghost?"**

Minerva: I doubt it if it's making rustling and clinking noises.

**"I don't know... sounds like wings to me."**

Luna: A flying mutterpath?

Neville: Just some moths?

George: Umbridge crossed with an eagle?

Minerva: It would need bloody big wings to support that evil cow.

**"There's light ahead—I can see something moving."**

George: ARGH! It's Quirrell dancing!

**They reached the end of the passageway and saw before them a brilliantly lit chamber, its ceiling arching high above them. It was full of small, jewel-bright birds, **

Ginny: Birds?

**fluttering and tumbling all around the room. On the opposite side of the chamber was a heavy wooden door.**

**"Do you think they'll attack us if we cross the room?" said Ron.**

George: Oh, yeah, bluebirds are known for their wicked tempers and sharp beaks.

**"Probably," said Harry. "They don't look very vicious, but I suppose if they all swooped down at once... **

Horace: You'd have a hundred tiny holes all over you.

**well, there's no other choice... I'll run."**

Ginny: Clever, really.

**He took a deep breath, covered his face with his arms, and sprinted across the room.**

George: If only I could have seen that.

**He expected to feel sharp beaks and claws tearing at him any second, but nothing happened. **

Harry: Thank God. I'm somewhat attached to my face.

**He reached the door untouched. He pulled the handle, but it was locked.**

Minerva: And there's the catch.

Michael: It was inevitable really.

**The other two followed him. They tugged and heaved at the door, but it wouldn't budge, not even when Hermione tried her Alohomora charm.**

Hermione: There's Plan A out of the window.

Luna: I thought running was your first plan and what window are we talking about?

(Hermione sighs).

**"Now what?" said Ron.**

**"These birds... they can't be here just for decoration," said Hermione.**

Ginny: Good point.

Ron: Well, they could have just been there to make the room look more interesting or to distract you or something.

**They watched the birds soaring overhead, glittering—**_**glittering.**_

George: Glittering?

Neville: They've said it twice already, George!

**"They're not birds!" Harry said suddenly. "They're **_**keys**_**! **

Luna: That explains a lot.

**Winged keys—look carefully. So that must mean..." he looked around the chamber while the other two squinted up at the flock of keys. "... yes—look! Broomsticks!**

Horace: Ah ha!

**We've got to catch the key to the door!"**

Michael: Thank Merlin you're a Seeker.

**"But there are **_**hundreds**_** of them!"**

Harry: _Little_ bit of an exaggeration.

**Ron examined the lock on the door.**

**"We're looking for a big, old-fashioned one—probably silver, like the handle."**

Ginny: Bloody hell, Ron, much more logic from you and I think I might pass out.

**They each seized a broomstick and kicked off into the air, soaring into the midst of the cloud of keys. **

Neville: Oh, Hermione, it seems you've improved since your last attempt at flying.

Hermione: She left out the part about me almost falling off several times.

**They grabbed and snatched, but the bewitched keys darted and dived so quickly it was almost impossible to catch one.**

Michael: You can do it. Youngest Seeker in a century, that's something.

**Not for nothing, though, was Harry the youngest Seeker in a century. **

Michael: See?

**He had a knack for spotting things other people didn't.**

Harry: Which is, coincidently, very useful.

**After a minute's weaving about through the whirl of rainbow feathers, he noticed a large silver key that had a bent wing, as if it had already been caught and stuffed roughly into the keyhole.**

Neville: That might be a give away.

**"That one!" he called to the others. "That big one—there—no, there**

Ron: Took us a while to find it.

—**with bright blue wings—the feathers are all crumpled on one side."**

**Ron went speeding in the direction that Harry was pointing, crashed into the ceiling, **

**and nearly fell off his broom.**

(All, except Luna and Ron, laugh).

Ginny: Well done, Ron!

**"We've got to close in on it!" Harry called, not taking his eyes off the key with the damaged wing. "Ron, you come at it from above—Hermione, stay below and stop it from going down and I'll try and catch it. **

Horace: Good plan.

**Right, NOW!"**

George: Go, go, GO!

**Ron dived, Hermione rocketed upward, the key dodged them both, and Harry streaked after it; it sped toward the wall, **

Luna: Don't hit the wall, Harry.

**Harry leaned forward and with a nasty, crunching noise, pinned it against the stone with one hand. **

Luna: Ow…

**Ron and Hermione's cheers echoed around the high chamber.**

Harry: Good to know I have support.

**They landed quickly, and Harry ran to the door, the key struggling in his hand. He rammed it into the lock and turned—it worked. **

Neville: Thank Merlin.

**The moment the lock had clicked open, the key took flight again, looking very battered now that it had been caught twice.**

Luna: Well, it would be easier to catch for the third person.

**"Ready?" Harry asked the other two, his hand on the door handle. They nodded. He pulled the door open.**

George: And a vampire jumped out and tackled them to the ground, its teeth dripping in thick red liquid.

**The next chamber was so dark they couldn't see anything at all. **

Ginny: Just like Harry without his glasses.

**But as they stepped into it, light suddenly flooded the room to reveal an astonishing sight.**

Minerva: I think I know what's coming.

**They were standing on the edge of a huge chessboard, behind the black chessmen, which were all taller than they were **

Hermione: Which wasn't that hard to achieve.

**and carved from what looked like black stone. Facing them, way across the chamber, were the white pieces. Harry, Ron and Hermione shivered slightly—the towering white chessmen had no faces.**

Horace: I'm guessing this is your enchantment then, Minerva. Like to add the creep factor, don't you?

Minerva: It puts people off just that little bit more.

**"Now what do we do?" Harry whispered.**

Ron: It's obvious.

**"It's obvious, isn't it?" **

Ron: See?

**said Ron. "We've got to play our way across the room."**

Harry: Thank Merlin you were there, Ron, I'm awful at chess.

**Behind the white pieces they could see another door.**

**"How?" said Hermione nervously.**

**"I think," said Ron, "we're going to have to be chessmen."**

Michael: Clever kid.

Ginny: I never thought of the word 'clever' to describe Ron.

**He walked up to a black knight and put his hand out to touch the knight's horse. At once, the stone sprang to life. **

George: Awesome!

**The horse pawed the ground and the knight turned his helmeted head to look down at Ron.**

Neville: That would freak me out.

**"Do we—er—have to join you to get across?" **

Neville: This is not sounding good.

**The black knight nodded. Ron turned to the other two.**

Hermione: She's given up on our names then?

**"This needs thinking about," **

Ginny: You're not the guy to do it, then.

Ron: Can we please stop taking the mick out of my stupidity?

**he said. "I suppose we've got to take the place of three of the black pieces..."**

Neville: Rather you than me.

**Harry and Hermione stayed quiet, watching Ron think. **

Ginny: Bet it looked really painful.

**Finally he said, "Now, don't be offended or anything, but neither of you are that good at chess—"**

Hermione: Speak your mind, why don't you?

**"We're not offended," said Harry quickly. **

Harry: Before Hermione could argue.

**"Just tell us what to do."**

**"Well, Harry, you take the place of that bishop, **

Luna: I didn't know you were religious, Harry.

Harry: I'm not.

**and Hermione, you go next to him instead of that castle."**

**"What about you?"**

**"I'm going to be a knight," said Ron.**

George: Aw, Ickle Ronniekins wants to be a knightey whitey.

**The chessmen seemed to have been listening, because at these words a knight, a bishop, and a castle turned their backs on the white pieces and walked off the board, **

Horace: Tut, tut, letting your chess pieces slack off.

Minerva: Er, that was kind of the point.

**leaving three empty squares that Harry, Ron, and Hermione took.**

**"White always plays first in chess," said Ron, peering across the board. "Yes... look..."**

**A white pawn had moved forward two squares.**

(George hums Star Wars tune). _A/N: Anyone else finding that weird?_

**Ron started to direct the black pieces. They moved silently wherever he sent them. **

Harry: Way more obedient than my chess pieces.

**Harry's knees were trembling. What if they lost?**

Neville: Positive thoughts.

**"Harry—move diagonally four squares to the right." **

Harry: I hope you know what you're talking about.

**Their first real shock came when their other knight was taken. The white queen smashed him to the floor and dragged him off the board, where he lay quite still, facedown.**

Neville: Uh oh.

**"Had to let that happen," said Ron, looking shaken. "Leaves you free to take that bishop, Hermione, go on."**

Ginny: YAY! Go Ron!

Ron: Now she's nice to me.

**Every time one of their men was lost, the white pieces showed no mercy. **

Horace: Much like the woman who put them there.

Minerva: Thanks for that.

**Soon there was a huddle of limp black players slumped along the wall. **

Ginny: Not sounding too great.

**Twice, Ron only just noticed in time that Harry and Hermione were in danger. **

Hermione: At least you noticed eventually, I suppose.

**He himself darted around the board, taking almost as many white pieces as they had lost black ones.**

Ron: Because I'm that awesome.

**"We're nearly there," he muttered suddenly. "Let me think, let me think..."**

Ginny: Take your time, Ron.

**The white queen turned her blank face toward him.**

**"Yes..." said Ron softly, "It's the only way... I've got to be taken."**

George: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Michael: Calm down.

**"NO!" Harry and Hermione shouted.**

**"That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices! **

Michael: Too true.

**I take one step forward and she'll take me—that leaves you free to checkmate the king, Harry!"**

Harry: Bloody hell.

Luna: Hey, Ron's rubbing off on you.

**"But—"**

**"Do you want to stop Snape or not?"**

Harry: Yes…

George: No, we want him to ruuuuuule the world!

**"Ron—"**

**"Look, if you don't hurry up, he'll already have the Stone!"**

Horace: Optimistic as ever.

**There was no alternative.**

**"Ready?" Ron called, his face pale but determined. "Here I go—now, don't hang around once you've won."**

Hermione: That was really so brave.

Ron: I know. I'm amazing.

**He stepped forward, and the white queen pounced. **

Luna: The white queen is a fan of knights, isn't she?

**She struck Ron hard across the head with her stone arm,**

Minerva: Oh, Merlin, I am so sorry.

**and he crashed to the floor—Hermione screamed **

Hermione: Oops.

**but stayed on her square—the white queen dragged Ron to one side. He looked as if he'd been knocked out. **

Ron: I had and all in the name of saving the school. The things you do for friends.

**Shaking, Harry moved three spaces to the left.**

George: My little brother, the hero!

**The white king took off his crown and threw it at Harry's feet. They had won. **

All: HOORAY!

**The chessmen parted and bowed, leaving the door ahead clear. With one last desperate look back at Ron, Harry and Hermione charged through the door and up the next passageway.**

Ginny: That was really good luck.

Ron: it had nothing to do with luck! Don't take away my awesomeness!

**"What if he's—?"**

Harry: Everything will be fine. He will not die. Living proof is sat right next to me.

**"He'll be all right," **

Ron: I'm touched by your concern, truly.

**said Harry, trying to convince himself. "What do you reckon's next?"**

**"We've had Sprout's, that was the Devil's Snare; **

Horace: Check.

**Flitwick must've put charms on the keys; **

Horace: Check.

**McGonagall transfigured the chessmen to make them alive; **

Horace: Check.

Minerva: STOP IT!

**that leaves Quirrell's spell, and Snape's."**

**They had reached another door.**

**"All right?" Harry whispered**

**"Go on."**

**Harry pushed it open.**

Neville: Oh, the suspense.

**A disgusting smell filled their nostrils, **

George: Snape was in there, then?

**making both of them pull their robes up over their noses. Eyes watering, they saw, flat on the floor in front of them, a troll even larger than the one they had tackled, out cold with a bloody lump on its head.**

Neville: Thankfully convenient.

Harry: I don't think we would have been able to get past that one.

**"I'm glad we didn't have to fight that one," Harry whispered as they stepped carefully over one of its massive legs. "Come on, I can't breathe."**

Luna: Well, you're talking, so you must be able to.

Harry: Damn, did you get out of Lunaworld today?

**He pulled open the next door, both of them hardly daring to look at what came next—but there was nothing very frightening in here, **

George: Oh, that makes a change.

**just a table with seven differently shaped bottles standing on it in a line.**

Minerva: Ah, I see. Good luck with this one.

**"Snape's," said Harry. "What do we have to do?"**

**They stepped over the threshold, and immediately a fire sprang up behind them in the doorway. **

Neville: Yikes.

**It wasn't ordinary fire either; it was purple. **

Luna: Ooh, I like purple.

**At the same instant, black flames shot up in the doorway leading onward. **

Horace: So typically Severus.

**They were trapped.**

Ginny: No kidding.

**"Look!" Hermione seized a roll of paper lying next to the bottles. **

George: I don't like the sound of this.

**Harry looked over her shoulder to read it:**

_**Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,**_

_**Two of us will help you, which ever you would find,**_

_**One among us seven will let you move ahead,**_

_**Another will transport the drinker back instead,**_

_**Two among our number hold only nettle wine,**_

_**Three of us are killers, waiting bidden in line.**_

_**Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore,**_

_**To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four:**_

_**First, however slyly the poison tries to hide**_

_**You will always find some on nettle wine's left side;**_

_**Second, different are those who stand at either end,**_

_**But if you would move onward, neither is your friend;**_

_**Third, as you see clearly, all are different size,**_

_**Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides;**_

_**Fourth, the second left and the second on the right**_

_**Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.**_

George: Ooh, cryptic.

Minerva: It'll be the smallest one that will let you through to the stone.

Luna: How did you know that?

Minerva: I worked it out. It's really not that difficult.

**Hermione let out a great sigh and Harry, amazed, saw that she was smiling, the very last thing he felt like doing.**

Harry: I still can't believe you.

**"**_**Brilliant**_**," said Hermione. "This isn't magic—it's logic—a puzzle. **

Horace: I never knew Severus had it in him.

**A lot of the greatest wizards haven't got an ounce of logic, they'd be stuck in here forever."**

Ron: But chess is a logical game, wouldn't people get stuck in there, too?

Michael: It's more about the tactics and loads of people play chess anyway.

**"But so will we, won't we?" **

Ginny: You've got a logic puzzle and Hermione. I would say that you're going to be fine.

**"Of course not," said Hermione. "Everything we need is here on this paper. **

Luna: What do you mean?

Hermione: What do you mean, 'what do you mean?'?

Luna: I mean, 'What do you _mean_?'.

Hermione: I mean that everything we need to know is written down and we have to work it out. Know what I mean?

George: Argh, the word 'mean' is whirring in my mind right now.

**Seven bottles: three are poison; two are wine; one will get us safely through the black fire, and one will get us back through the purple."**

Neville: I had gathered that much.

**"But how do we know which to drink?"**

Horace: It's called working it out.

**"Give me a minute."**

**Hermione read the paper several times. Then she walked up and down the line of bottles, muttering to herself **

George: First sign of madness.

**and pointing at them. At last, she clapped her hands.**

**"Got it," **

Neville: Thank Merlin.

**she said. "The smallest bottle will get us through the black fire—toward the Stone."**

Minerva: I told you.

**Harry looked at the tiny bottle.**

**"There's only enough there for one of us," he said. "That's hardly one swallow."**

**They looked at each other.**

Ginny: Yeah, we really need to know that.

**"Which one will get you back through the purple flames?"**

**Hermione pointed at a rounded bottle at the right end of the line.**

**"You drink that," **

Hermione: But I wanted to stay and help you.

**said Harry. "No, listen, get back and get Ron. Grab brooms from the flying-key room, **

Ron: But I was in no fit state to fly and Hermione couldn't anyway.

**they'll get you out of the trapdoor and past Fluffy—go straight to the owlery and send Hedwig to Dumbledore, **

Horace: Ach, Dumbledore AGAIN!!

Minerva: Get over it, Slug.

**we need him. I might be able to hold Snape off for a while, but I'm no match for him, really."**

Michael: Wow, you really are modest.

**"But Harry—what if You-Know-Who's with him?"**

Horace: Ah, there's a problem.

**"Well—I was lucky once, wasn't I?" said Harry, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again."**

George: Get in there.

Harry: Not like that!

**Hermione's lip trembled, and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.**

George: That was so appropriate.

**"**_**Hermione!**_**"**

Harry: You were starting to squeeze me to death.

**"Harry—you're a great wizard, you know."**

Harry: Why, thank you.

**"I'm not as good as you," **

Michael: Nobody is better than anyone else. Apart from the toad woman, obviously she's worse than anyone.

Harry: Even Death Eaters and Voldemort?

Minerva: Those people were led astray by what they thought was right. That doesn't make them worse… much.

**said Harry, very embarrassed, as she let go of him.**

**"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things—friendship and bravery **

Minerva: Aw, that's so sweet.

**and—oh Harry—be **_**careful**_**!"**

**"You drink first," said Harry. "You are sure which is which, aren't you?"**

Ginny: This is Hermione we're talking about.

**"Positive," said Hermione. She took a long drink from the round bottle at the end, and shuddered.**

**"It's not poison?" said Harry anxiously.**

Hermione: God, I hope not.

**"No—but it's like ice."**

George: That would be how you get through the flames.

**"Quick, go, before it wears off."**

**"Good luck—take care."**

Ron: Just go, already.

**"GO!"**

**Hermione turned and walked straight through the purple fire.**

Harry: Hermione, you are awesome!

**Harry took a deep breath and picked up the smallest bottle. He turned to face the black flames.**

**"Here I come," **

George: That's not disturbing at all.

**he said, and he drained the little bottle in one gulp.**

**It was indeed as though ice was flooding his body. **

Luna: That doesn't sound very nice.

**He put the bottle down and walked forward; he braced himself, saw the black flames licking his body, but couldn't feel them—for a moment he could see nothing but dark fire—then he was on the other side, in the last chamber.**

Ron: How did you know it was the last one?

**There was already someone there—but it wasn't Snape.**

George: Dun, dun, dun.

**It wasn't even Voldemort.**

George: Dun, dun, dun!

Luna: Who was it then?

Neville: I think it's pretty obvious that we'll find out soon.

Minerva: Who wants to read the last chapter?

Michael: I will.


	17. The Final Chapter!

_A/N: I lost my memory stick so I had to restart this. :-(_

**Chapter 17 The Man With Two Faces**

Michael: This sounds interesting.

**It was Quirrell.**

All: GIT!

**"**_**You!**_**" gasped Harry.**

Ginny: Dramatic much?

**Quirrell smiled. His face wasn't twitching at all.**

**"Me," **

George: Bwah ha ha ha ha!!

Neville: Are you okay?

George: Perfectly.

**he said calmly. "I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here, Potter."**

Harry: It's as if he had no faith in me.

**"But I thought—Snape—"**

Horace: Making accusations again, are we?

Hermione: Actually, the majority of the book involved us accusing Snape so I don't know why you're getting worked up now.

Ron, Neville and George: GO HERMIONE!

**"Severus?" Quirrell laughed, **

George: Why does he find it so laughable to think that Snape could have been the evil one?

Ginny: Because… because… damn, I got nothing!

**and it wasn't his usual quivering treble, either, but cold and sharp. **

Neville: Aw, we can't take the mick out of his voice anymore.

**"Yes, Severus does seem the type, doesn't he? So useful to have him swooping around like an overgrown bat. **

Neville: So true.

**Next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor, st-stuttering P-Professor Quirrell?"**

Horace: He was an actor!

Michael (slowly): Well done.

**Harry couldn't take it in. This couldn't be true, it couldn't.**

Luna: Oh yes it could.

**"But Snape tried to kill me!"**

Hermione: Oh no he didn't.

Michael: I didn't know pantomime season had started already.

**"No, no, no. **_**I**_** tried to kill you.**

George: Oh, this is where it gets interesting!

Harry: Thanks for that.

**Your friend Miss Granger accidentally knocked me over as she rushed to set fire to Snape at that Quidditch match.**

Ron: HOORAY for accidents!

**She broke my eye **

George: Ouch.

Luna: Wait, the sentence isn't finished.

(Neville looks at Luna, astonished).

Neville: W-wh… b-but… you… I… I give up!!

**contact with you. Another few seconds and I'd have got you off that broom. **

Ron: Seriously, Hermione, you have impeccable timing!

Hermione: Why, thank you.

**I'd have managed it before then if Snape hadn't been muttering a countercurse, trying to save you."**

George: Come again? Can you repeat that bit?

**"Snape was trying to save me?"**

Ginny: Clean your ears out.

**"Of course," said Quirrell coolly. **

George: He couldn't be cool if he tried.

**"Why do you think he wanted to referee your next match? **

Harry: Because he wanted Slytherin to win?

**He was trying to make sure I didn't do it again.** **Funny, really... he needn't have bothered. **

Harry: Thank Merlin he did.

**I couldn't do anything with Dumbledore watching. **

Michael: Damn right.

**All the other teachers thought Snape was trying to stop Gryffindor from winning, **

(Horace looks at Minerva).

Minerva: WHAT?!

(Horace just keeps staring at her).

Minerva: Seriously, if you don't stop I'll poke your eyes out with my wand.

Michael: Oh, let me do it! Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

**he **_**did**_** make himself unpopular...**

Horace: Not that difficult, really. I mean, what was with the oversized robes?

Minerva: Then, in your case, Horace, I suppose it's near impossible to find robes that are too big.

Horace: Just what are you insinuating?

**and what a waste of time, when after all that, I'm going to kill you tonight."**

Ron: HA! You wish!

**Quirrell clicked his fingers. Ropes sprang out of thin air and wrapped themselves tightly around Harry.**

Luna: Can't he just use a wand?

**"You're too nosy to live, Potter.**

Ron: Ah, so true.

Harry: I can't deny it.

**Scurrying around the school on Halloween like that, **

Luna: He makes you sound like rats.

Ron: RATS!! RATS? Don't talk to me about rats!!

Neville: Why ever not?

George: He has bad luck with rats.

**for all I knew you'd seen me coming to look at what was guarding the Stone."**

Harry: If we had, Dumbledore would have known waaaaaaaaaay sooner.

**"**_**You**_** let the troll in?"**

Horace: Flaming heck!

**"Certainly. I have a special gift with trolls**

George: That's not hard. All you have to do is grunt and scratch your head.

Ginny: And you would know that how?

—**you must have seen what I did to the one in the chamber back there? **

Harry: Yeah, exactly what three eleven year olds did.

Hermione: Actually, it was more like two eleven year olds.

Ginny: Yeah, Ron's mental age is more like three.

Ron: HEY!

Hermione: Not quite what I meant…

**Unfortunately, while everyone else was running around looking for it, Snape, who already suspected me,**

Neville: Never thought I'd say this but, thank Merlin for Snape.

**went straight to the third floor to head me off**

Hermione: Now that is forward thinking.

—**and not only did my troll fail to beat you to death,** **that three-headed dog didn't even manage to bite Snape's leg off properly.**"

Neville: Yikes. That guy was twisted!

Ron: You've just cottoned on, have you?

**"Now, wait quietly, Potter. I need to examine this interesting mirror."**

Minerva: He sounds like a bloody Healer.

Neville: What's wrong with Healers?

Michael: Like Ron and his rats, Minerva has bad luck with Healers.

(Horace starts roaring with laughter).

Minerva: It's not funny!

Horace: Minnie's scared of hospitals!

Michael: You would be too if you had been through half the bloody things she has!

(Horace stops laughing abruptly and looks suitably abashed. Perhaps he's afraid Michael will deck him again!)

**It was only then that Harry realized what was standing behind Quirrell. **

Neville: This doesn't sound so good.

**It was the Mirror of Erised.**

Ginny: Dun, dun, dun.

**"This mirror is the key to finding the Stone," Quirrell murmured, tapping his way around the frame. **

Luna: Don't do that! The Snarelarks might come out and get you!

Neville: Riiiiiiiiiight…

**"Trust Dumbledore to come up with something like this... **

Horace: So true.

Ginny: Are we past the telling him to shut up stage?

Minerva: Never.

Ginny: In that case, SHUT UP!

**but he's in London... I'll be far away by the time he gets back..."**

Michael: Speaking of time, what is the time?

Hermione: Almost eleven o'clock.

Michael: Oh, bugger. I'm going to be late for work!

Minerva: Work? B-but it's Saturday.

Michael: I know, but I promised that I'd go in just for a few hours. You know, all you have to do is wish for me and I'll be here. Not that I'd have a choice…

(He kisses her and walks back towards the door).

Michael: Can I go now please?

(The door swings open and, with a final lingering glance at his wife, Michael vanishes from the Room of Requirement).

George: Hang on, how come he can go but we can't?

(A note appears on the table).

Luna: It says:

_Mr McGonagall was not part of the original line-up, as it were, and therefore is free to come and go as he pleases or is required._

Horace: DAMN!

Minerva: Shut up!

**All Harry could think of doing was to keep Quirrell talking and stop him from concentrating on the mirror.**

George: (Gasp) You're becoming… SLYTHERIN! How could you?!

**"I saw you and Snape in the forest—" **

George: (High-pitched voice) You were doing naughty things-

Ginny: Stop! Please, before I vomit!

**he blurted out.**

**"Yes," said Quirrell idly, walking around the mirror to look at the back. **

Hermione: That won't help.

**"He was on to me by that time, **

(George starts humming the theme to James Bond).

**trying to find out how far I'd got. **

(George starts humming the theme to Mission Impossible).

Hermione: Really, he watches too many Muggle movies.

**He suspected me all along. Tried to frighten me—as though he could, **

Minerva: Pfft, please, the man was scared of his own shadow.

**when I had Lord Voldemort** **on my side..." **

Harry: Technically it was the back, not the side.

Luna: Pardon?

Harry: Oh, nothing.

**Quirrell came back out from behind the mirror and stared hungrily into it.**

George: He had rather high self-esteem when it came to looking at himself in a mirror.

**"I see the Stone... I'm presenting it to my master... **

Neville: He needs to get out more.

**but where is it?"**

George (evilly): Oh, the possibilities are endless!

**Harry struggled against the ropes binding him, but they didn't give. **

Ginny: Surprise, surprise.

**He **_**had**_** to keep Quirrell from giving his whole attention to the mirror.**

George: But how to do it?

**"But Snape always seemed to hate me so much."**

Neville: He hated everyone.

Luna: Why did he become a teacher if he hated children?

Horace: I think he felt a connection to the school rather than to its students.

Minerva: Wait, am I hearing things or… did… no, he couldn't have… I just thought I heard Horace Walter Slughorn say something that wasn't the least bit daft.

Harry: Walter?

(Ron and Harry start laughing).

Horace: How did you know that was my middle name?

Minerva: Wouldn't you like to know?

**"Oh, he does," said Quirrell casually, "heavens, yes. **

Ron: I bet your self esteem was soaring right then.

**He was at Hogwarts with your father, didn't you know? **

Minerva: Now, there were an eventful few years.

**They loathed each other.** **But he never wanted you dead."**

Harry: Sometimes, I doubted that.

**"But I heard you a few days ago, sobbing**

George: Wimp!

—**I thought Snape was threatening you..."**

Ron: He was, wasn't he?

**For the first time, a spasm of fear flitted across Quirrell's face.**

George: It wasn't the first time. Obviously this J.K. Rowling hasn't met Professor Squirrel at all.

**"Sometimes," he said, "I find it hard to follow my master's instructions—he is a great wizard**

Minerva: Yeah, right.

**and I am weak—"**

George: Can't argue with that.

**"You mean he was there in the classroom with you?" Harry gasped.**

Ron: How come your scar didn't hurt every lesson?

Harry: Actually, I don't have a clue.

**"He is with me wherever I go," **

Luna: Now he just sounds stupid…

(All look at Luna. Ron and Neville shake their heads).

**said Quirrell quietly. "I met him when I travelled around the world. A foolish young man I was then, **

Ginny: And he still was, by the sound of things.

**full of ridiculous ideas about good and evil. **

Minerva: And that is what happens when you aren't strong enough to say 'no'.

Horace: Well, you and your bloody husband obviously aren't.

Minerva: Don't make me hex you, Horace.

Horace: Ooh, now I'm scared!

Ron: You should be!

**Lord Voldemort** **showed me how wrong I was. There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it...**

Hermione: He was doomed.

George: DOOMED I tell you!!

**Since then, I have served him faithfully, **

Harry: He reminds me of someone.

**although I have let him down many times. **

Minerva: Oh, Merlin. IDIOT.

**He has had to be very hard on me." **

Horace: Bet he enjoyed that, the evil git!

George: Quirrell enjoyed it?

Horace: No, I meant… ah, forget it.

**Quirrell shivered suddenly. "He does not forgive mistakes easily. **

Ginny: No kidding.

**When I failed to steal the stone from Gringotts, **

Luna: Oh, that's who it was…

**he was most displeased. **

Hermione: No doubt.

**He punished me... **

Minerva: Evil bastard.

**decided he would have to keep a closer watch on me..."**

George: This is getting interesting again.

**Quirrell's voice trailed away. Harry was remembering his trip to Diagon Alley—how could he have been so stupid?**

Hermione: Please don't make me answer that.

**He'd seen Quirrell there that very day, shaken hands with him in the Leaky Cauldron.**

Ginny: I hope you sanitized your hands after that.

**Quirrell cursed under his breath.**

Minerva: Really? He could do that? He never swore once in the staffroom.

**"I don't understand... is the Stone **_**inside**_** the mirror?** **Should I break it?"**

Minerva: I wouldn't.

**Harry's mind was racing.**

Luna: How?

Neville: (sighs) I'll explain later, Luna.

_**What I want more than anything else in the world at the moment**_**, he thought, **

Ginny: There's a first.

_**is to find the Stone before Quirrell does. So if I look in the mirror, I should see myself finding it**_

Minerva: Clever boy.

—_**which means I'll see where it's hidden! But how can I look without Quirrell realizing what I'm up to?**_

Horace: Come on, you have more Slytherin in you than that.

George: Don't besmirch his name like that!

**He tried to edge to the left, to get in front of the glass without Quirrell noticing, but the ropes around his ankles were too tight: he tripped and fell over.**

(Ron and George laugh loudly).

**Quirrell ignored him. **

Luna: That's nice.

**He was still talking to himself. **

Horace: First sign of madness.

Minerva: You would know all about that.

**"What does this mirror do? How does it work? Help me, Master!"**

Minerva: He can't help you.

**And to Harry's horror, a voice answered, and the voice seemed to come from Quirrell himself.**

Ginny: Was it actually Quirrell talking?

_**"Use the boy... Use the boy..."**_

Ginny: That doesn't sound good.

**Quirrell rounded on Harry.**

Neville: Uh oh.

**"Yes—Potter—come here."**

Luna: He would if he wasn't tied up.

**He clapped his hands once, and the ropes binding Harry fell off. **

Hermione: That was a mistake on his part.

Harry: What? Letting me go?

**Harry got slowly to his feet.**

George: Run, Harry, RUN!

**"Come here," Quirrell repeated. "Look in the mirror and tell me what you see."**

Ron: I see… I see… THE GRIM!!

(Harry begins laughing).

Harry: That is the best Trelawney impression I've EVER seen!

**Harry walked toward him.** _**I must lie**_**, he thought desperately. **

Ginny: Doing a lot of thinking, weren't you?

Harry: Doesn't happen often.

_**I must look and lie about what I see that's all.**_

Horace: Easier said than done, m'boy.

**Quirrell moved close behind him. **

George: HA!

Hermione: Grow up.

**Harry breathed in the funny smell that seemed to come from Quirrell's turban. **

Neville: Was that the garlic?

Hermione: More like garlic breath.

Luna: What's that supposed to mean?

Hermione: Never mind, anyway, Neville, didn't you know this story?

Neville: Yeah…

**He closed his eyes, stepped in front of the mirror, and opened them again.**

George: And he saw that he had transformed into a mutilated demon with thick dark circles under his eyes and greasy black fur.

Luna: That reminds me of someone…

**He saw his reflection, pale and scared-looking at first. But a moment later, the reflection smiled at him. **

Ginny: So…

**It put its hand into its pocket and pulled out a blood-red stone. **

Luna: The Philosopher's Stone!!

Neville: Yes, we had gathered that.

**It winked and put the Stone back in its pocket—and as it did so, Harry felt something heavy drop into his real pocket.**

Horace: Ingenious, really.

**Somehow—incredibly—**_**he'd gotten the Stone**_**.**

Neville: Amazing.

**"Well?" said Quirrell impatiently. "What do you see?"**

Hermione: Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie!

**Harry screwed up his courage.**

Minerva: Okay then…

**"I see myself shaking hands with Dumbledore," he invented. "I—I've won the house cup for Gryffindor." **

Horace: Makes sense.

**Quirrell cursed again.**

Minerva: He's got to stop doing that because it's creeping me out.

**"Get out of the way," **

Luna: That was pleasant.

**he said. As Harry moved aside, he felt the Philosopher's Stone against his leg. Dare he make a break for it?**

George: GO, GO, GO!!!!!

**But he hadn't walked five paces before a high voice spoke, though Quirrell wasn't moving his lips.**

Horace: So, he was an actor and a ventriloquist?

**"He lies... He lies..."**

Ron: Oh damn!

**"Potter, come back here!" Quirrell shouted. "Tell me the truth! What did you just see?"**

Harry: I just saw a madman in a turban ask me what I just saw.

**The high voice spoke again.**

**"Let me speak to him... face-to-face..."**

Horace: I don't like the sound of this.

**"Master, you are not strong enough!"**

Minerva: Oh, and he was?

**"I have strength enough... for this..."**

Minerva: Jackass…

**Harry felt as if Devil's Snare was rooting him to the spot. **

Luna: Ouch.

**He couldn't move a muscle. **

Ginny: That's inconvenient.

**Petrified, he watched as Quirrell reached up and began to unwrap his turban. What was going on? The turban fell away. Quirrell's head looked strangely small without it. **

Minerva: Well, the poor bloke didn't have much of a brain to fill it with.

**Then he turned slowly on the spot.**

**Harry would have screamed, **

George: But it would make him feel so much less of a man.

**but he couldn't make a sound. Where there should have been a back to Quirrell's head, there was a face, **

Luna: Oh no.

**the most terrible face Harry had ever seen. **

George: Snape's?

Minerva: Worse. Horace's!

**It was chalk white with glaring red eyes and slits for nostrils, like a snake.**

Ginny: That sounds familiar.

**"Harry Potter..." it whispered.**

Harry: That's not my name.

**Harry tried to take a step backward but his legs wouldn't move.**

**"See what I have become?"**

Harry: Yes, but I'd rather not.

**the face said. "Mere shadow and vapour ... I have form only when I can share another's body... **

George: HA HA HA HA HA!!

**but there have always been those willing to let me into their hearts and minds... **

Luna: Unfortunately.

**Unicorn blood has strengthened me, these past weeks... you saw faithful Quirrell drinking it for me in the forest... **

Neville: Eww…

**and once I have the Elixir of Life, I will be able to create a body of my own... **

Minerva: Oh, here we go.

**Now... why don't you give me that Stone in your pocket?"**

George: I think you can guess why not.

**So he knew. The feeling suddenly surged back into Harry's legs. He stumbled backward.**

**"Don't be a fool," snarled the face. "Better save your own life and join me... **

Ron: NEVER!!

**or you'll meet the same end as your parents... They died begging me for mercy..." **

Harry: (jumps to his feet) LIAR!!

Minerva: Harry, shhh, we know. Your parents died a hero's death. They were amazing people.

Horace: Here, here.

Neville: Finally, something they agree on.

**"LIAR!" Harry shouted suddenly.**

Ginny: HOORAY! The voice is back!

**Quirrell was walking backward at him, so that Voldemort could still see him. **

Luna: That was nice of him.

**The evil face was now smiling.**

Minerva: Thought that was impossible.

Horace: You never thought that when he was Tom Riddle.

Harry: What's that supposed to mean?

Minerva (hurriedly): Nothing, nothing at all.

**"How touching..." it hissed. "I always value bravery... **

Minerva: Yeah, of course he did!

**Yes, boy, your parents were brave... **

All: Too right!

**I killed your father first; and he put up a courageous fight...**

Minerva: A true lion born and bred!

**but your mother needn't have died... she was trying to protect you...**

Horace: Lovely girl, Lily.

**Now give me the Stone, unless you want her to have died in vain."**

**"NEVER!"**

George: DRAMATIC!!

**Harry sprang toward the flame door, but Voldemort** **screamed "SEIZE HIM!" **

George: (Hums Star Wars theme tune) Drama…

**and the next second, Harry felt Quirrell's hand close on his wrist. At once, a needle-sharp pain seared across Harry's scar; **

Ginny: Needle-sharp? She couldn't have elaborated a bit?

**his head felt as though it was about to split in two; **

Ginny: That's more like it.

Harry: Do you enjoy my pain?

Ginny: Possibly.

Ron: Alright, don't have a domestic.

**he yelled, struggling with all his might, and to his surprise, Quirrell let go of him. **

Horace: HUH?

**The pain in his head lessened—he looked around wildly to see where Quirrell had gone, and saw him hunched in pain, looking at his fingers—they were blistering before his eyes.**

George: That… was… AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

_(A/N: IS that enough exclamation marks?)_

**"Seize him! SEIZE HIM!" **

Ginny: Mr Melodrama's back again!

**shrieked Voldemort** **again, and Quirrell lunged, knocking Harry clean off his feet, landing on top of him, **

George: Eww, get off!

Horace: Do you have any idea how homophobic you sound?

Minerva: He's only concerned because he's actually homosexual.

Horace: MINERVA!!

Minerva: See? He doesn't deny it.

Horace: I am NOT gay!

**both hands around Harry's neck**

All: GIT.

—**Harry's scar was almost blinding him with pain, yet he could see Quirrell howling in agony.**

Ginny: How does that work when you were almost blind?

**"Master, I cannot hold him—my hands—my hands!"**

George: I love this story!

**And Quirrell, though pinning Harry to the ground with his knees, **

George: Ew.

**let go of his neck and stared, bewildered, at his own palms—Harry could see they looked burned, raw, red, and shiny.**

Luna: That's an interesting development.

**"Then kill him, fool, and be done!" **

Ron: That's nice.

Harry: Stupid git.

Ron: Who? Me?

Harry: I actually meant Voldie.

Ginny: But the same applies to you, Ronnie.

**screeched Voldemort.**

**Quirrell raised his hand to perform a deadly curse,** **but Harry, by instinct, reached up and grabbed Quirrell's face—**

George: Merlin, I wish I had seen that!

**"AAAARGH!"**

Harry: Take that!

**Quirrell rolled off him, his face blistering, too,**

Luna: Ow.

Neville: I agree.

**and then Harry knew: Quirrell couldn't touch his bare skin, **

Horace: How did you manage to shake hands then?

**not without suffering terrible pain**

George: Which was actually quite funny.

—**his only chance was to keep hold of Quirrell, keep him in enough pain to stop him from doing a curse.**

Horace: You make me proud, m'boy.

Harry (gulps): Uh oh…

**Harry jumped to his feet, caught Quirrell by the arm, and hung on as tight as he could. **

Minerva: Sounds like my youngest daughter when she was little.

**Quirrell screamed and tried to throw Harry off**

Ginny: Now, that I _would_ like to see.

—**the pain in Harry's head was building—he couldn't see—he could only hear Quirrell's terrible shrieks and Voldemort's** **yells of, "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" **

(All sit in silence).

**and other voices, maybe in Harry's own head, crying, "Harry! Harry!"**

(More stunned silence).

Ron: Whoa…

**He felt Quirrell's arm wrenched from his grasp, knew all was lost, and fell into blackness, down ... down... down...**

Minerva: Oh Merlin!

Harry: I was fine. No need to worry.

**Something gold was glinting just above him. The Snitch!**

Neville: What?

**He tried to catch it, but his arms were too heavy.**

Luna: How?

**He blinked. It wasn't the Snitch at all. It was a pair of glasses. How strange.**

Ginny: You're not kidding.

**He blinked again. The smiling face of Albus Dumbledore swam into view above him.**

Horace: That man never stopped smiling! How on Earth did he get any business done when he had that smile permanently ingrained onto his face?

Minerva: He didn't, I dealt with business because I have an uncanny ability to scare people witless should I need to. Besides, most of the Ministry's morons took ten minutes to work out if you had insulted them. And you're only complaining because you're jealous!

**"Good afternoon, Harry," said Dumbledore.**

Hermione: That's quite casual considering the circumstances.

**Harry stared at him. Then he remembered: "Sir! The Stone! It was Quirrell! He's got the Stone! Sir, quick—"**

Neville: Stop overreacting.

**"Calm yourself, dear boy, you are a little behind the times," **

Harry: Says the man with a great long beard that looks like it's never been cut.

**said Dumbledore. "Quirrell does not have the Stone."**

Hermione: Thank Merlin!

**"Then who does? Sir, I—"**

**"Harry, please relax, or Madam Pomfrey will have me thrown out." **

Hermione: It wouldn't surprise me.

**Harry swallowed and looked around him. He realized he must be in the hospital wing. **

Ginny: It took you that long?

**He was lying in a bed with white linen sheets, and next to him was a table piled high with what looked like half the sweet shop.**

Ron: And probably was.

**"Tokens from your friends and admirers," **

George: POTTER RULES!

**said Dumbledore, beaming. "What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows. **

Minerva: Oh, so true.

Horace: Yes, you would know all about that.

Neville: Should I ask?

Minerva: NO!

**I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. **

George: Trying? We did!

**No doubt they thought it would amuse you. **

George: GENIUS!

**Madam Pomfrey, however, felt it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it."**

Harry: Shame really.

**"How long have I been in here?"**

**"Three days. **

Harry: I thought he was joking when he first said that.

**Mr. Ronald Weasley and Miss Granger will be most relieved you have come round, they have been extremely worried."**

Hermione and Ron: Tell me about it.

**"But sir, the Stone—"**

George: Was never actually real. It was plastic and worthless. You nearly died, but thanks for the effort.

"**I see you are not to be distracted. **

Harry: You betcha!

**Very well, the Stone. Professor Quirrell did not manage to take it from you. **

All: HOORAH!

**I arrived in time to prevent that, although you were doing very well on your own, I must say."**

Harry: I know.

**"You got there? You got Hermione's owl?"**

Hermione: I shouldn't think so.

**"We must have crossed in midair. **

Neville: Now, that I would like to see.

**No sooner had I reached London than it became clear to me that the place I should be was the one I had just left. **

Ginny: Just a little late, there.

**I arrived just in time to pull Quirrell off you."**

Horace: Oh, yes, always the hero just in time to save the world.

**"It was **_**you**_**."**

George: Dun, dun, dun!

**"I feared I might be too late."**

Horace: Merlin be damned, he was afraid of something.

**"You nearly were, I couldn't have kept him off the Stone much longer—"**

Ginny: Oh, so dedicated.

**"Not the Stone, boy, you—the effort involved nearly killed you. **

Ron: That's just what you want to hear when you wake up in the Hospital Wing.

**For one terrible moment there, I was afraid it had.** **As for the Stone, it has been destroyed."**

Luna: But what about Nicholas Flamel?

**"Destroyed?" said Harry blankly. "But your friend—Nicolas Flamel—"**

Neville: Will DIE!

Hermione: Yes, thank you, Neville.

**"Oh, you know about Nicolas?" **

Hermione: We do the job thoroughly.

**said Dumbledore, sounding quite delighted. **

Horace: He would.

**"You **_**did**_** do the thing properly, didn't you? Well, Nicolas and I have had a little chat,**

Minerva: Little? It went on for hours.

**and agreed it's all for the best."**

Minerva: Eventually, after a _lot_ of debate.

**"But that means he and his wife will die, won't they?"**

Hermione: Congratulations for figuring it out.

**"They have enough Elixir stored to set their affairs in order and then, yes, they will die."**

Ron: Poor guys.

**Dumbledore smiled at the look of amazement on Harry's face.**

Horace: Why doesn't that surprise me?

**"To one as young as you, I'm sure it seems incredible, but to Nicolas and Perenelle, it really is like going to bed after a very, **_**very**_** long day. **

Ginny: A six hundred-odd year long day!

**After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. **

Minerva: Very true.

**You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. **

Ginny: No… of course not.

**As much money and life as you could want! **

Horace: No, that's not wonderful at all.

Hermione: Sarcasm is not becoming on you.

Minerva: Not much is.

**The two things most human beings would choose above all—the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." **

Horace: Here we go, all 'holier than thou!'

George: Can I say it this time?

Harry: Be my guest.

George: SHUT UP, SLUG FACE!

**Harry lay there, lost for words. Dumbledore hummed a little and smiled at the ceiling.**

Ginny: And that's how you know he's off in a dream world.

Luna: He was a lot of the time.

Neville: Like you can talk.

**"Sir?" said Harry. "I've been thinking... **

Hermione: Uh oh, this could be dangerous.

Ron: (Gasp) How could you?

**sir—even if the Stone's gone, Vol-, I mean, You-Know-Who—" **

Horace: Don't bother.

**"Call him Voldemort,** **Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."**

Neville: More wise words.

**"Yes, sir. Well, Voldemort's** **going to try other ways of coming back, isn't he? **

George: So optimistic.

Harry: No, it was realistic.

**I mean, he hasn't gone, has he?"**

Minerva: Bloody persistent git.

**"No, Harry, he has not. He is still out there somewhere, perhaps looking for another body to share... **

Ginny: Now there's a startling thought.

George: I swear I saw Flitwick's eyes glow red a couple of times.

Ginny: Stop being so paranoid.

**not being truly alive, he cannot be killed. **

Ron: Yet he couldn't explain to you there and then why that was.

**He left Quirrell to die; he shows just as little mercy to his followers as his enemies. **

Minerva: He lets his enemies live longer so he can torment them first.

(George looks at Ron)

George: Cuckoo, cuckoo.

**Nevertheless, Harry, while you may only have delayed his return to power, **

Harry: And that makes me feel great.

**it will merely take someone else who is prepared to fight what seems a losing battle next time**

Ron: Didn't have much faith in you, did he?

—**and if he is delayed again, and again, why, he may never return to power."**

Harry: I should be so lucky.

**Harry nodded, but stopped quickly, because it made his head hurt. **

Ginny: That's because of all the thinking.

**Then he said, "Sir, there are some other things I'd like to know, if you can tell me... **

Horace: Good luck with that.

**things I want to know the truth about..."**

Horace: HA! You must be kidding!

**"The truth." Dumbledore sighed. "It is a beautiful and terrible thing, **

Luna: Such an amazing contrast.

**and should therefore be treated with great caution. However, I shall answer your questions unless I have a very good reason not to, in which case I beg you'll forgive me. I shall not, of course, lie."**

Horace: No, because great old Albus could _never_ lie!

Minerva: Shut the hell up.

**"Well... Voldemort** **said that he only killed my mother because she tried to stop him from killing me. **

Neville: I think I see what's coming next.

George: And he didn't even need a crystal ball or tea leaves!

**But why would he want to kill me in the first place?"**

Ginny: Like he would tell you that.

**Dumbledore sighed very deeply this time.**

**"Alas, the first thing you ask me, I cannot tell you. **

Horace: Surprise, surprise.

**Not today. Not now. You will know, one day... put it from your mind for now, Harry. **

Harry: Easier said than done.

**When you are older... I know you hate to hear this... when you are ready, you will know."**

Ron: That's helpful.

**And Harry knew it would be no good to argue.**

Minerva: Makes a change.

**"But why couldn't Quirrell touch me?"**

George: Banish bad thoughts, banish bad thoughts, banish bad thoughts…

**"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort** **cannot understand, it is love. **

Minerva: You're not kidding.

**He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. **

Ron: ARGH! The sweetness is killing me.

**Not a scar, no visible sign... **

Horace: I should hope not.

**to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. **

Luna: That really is a comforting thought.

**It is in your very skin. Quirrell, full of hatred, greed, and ambition, sharing his soul with Voldemort, could not touch you for this reason. **

Neville: Yawn. Next point?

**It was agony to touch a person marked by something so good."**

George: I really do think we've got it by now.

**Dumbledore now became very interested in a bird out on the windowsill, **

Luna (dreamily): Oh, that's nice.

**which gave Harry time to dry his eyes on the sheet. **

Minerva: Awww.

**When he had found his voice again, Harry said, "And the invisibility cloak—do you know who sent it to me?"**

Horace: He can go one better than that, I daresay.

**"Ah—your father happened to leave it in my possession,** **and I thought you might like it." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. **

Horace: Bloody twinkle.

**"Useful things... your father used it mainly for sneaking off to the kitchens to steal food when he was here."**

Minerva: They were ever so obvious about it though.

Harry: I thought you didn't know about the cloak?

Minerva: I didn't, I thought they were using Disillusionment Charms.

**"And there's something else..."**

**"Fire away."**

Luna: Don't say that, he'll get his wand out.

Harry: Luna, you mistake me for Malfoy.

**"Quirrell said Snape—"**

**"**_**Professor**_** Snape, Harry."**

Harry: I don't know why he bothered correcting me.

**"Yes, him—**

(All laugh).

**Quirrell said he hates me because he hated my father. Is that true?"**

Horace: You have no idea.

**"Well, they did rather detest each other. **

Minerva: Understatement of the century.

**Not unlike yourself and Mr. Malfoy. And then, your father did something Snape could never forgive."**

Minerva: Don't ask.

**"What?"**

Minerva: You'll regret it.

**"He saved his life."**

**"**_**What?**_**"**

George (mystic voice): He saved his life…

**"Yes..." said Dumbledore dreamily. **

Neville: ARGH! He's turning into Luna!

**"Funny, the way people's minds work, isn't it? **

Neville: In Luna's case, it's just sad.

(Luna doesn't seem to be paying attention to the conversation anymore).

**Professor Snape couldn't bear being in your father's debt... I do believe he worked so hard to protect you this year because he felt that would make him and your father even. **

Ron: Didn't do a great job though, really, did he?

Harry: Give him his due, he stopped me from being murdered on a broom.

Ron: Bloody hell! Slug was right, you are turning Slytherin.

Minerva: I wonder if there's a cure for that.

**Then he could go back to hating your father's memory in peace..."**

Horace: What a lovely pass-time.

**Harry tried to understand this but it made his head pound, **

Hermione: What a revelation.

**so he stopped.**

**"And sir, there's one more thing..."**

Ginny: I bet he was thinking: "What the hell is it now, kid? I've got stuff to do!"

George: Like what?

Ginny: Dunno, paperwork?

Horace: More like watching Minerva do all of his paperwork for him.

**"Just the one?"**

Harry: Actually, no but it'd take me hours to ask it all and get decent hours.

Horace: The way this conversation was going, I wouldn't say you'd get many straight answers.

**"How did I get the Stone out of the mirror?"**

**"Ah, now, I'm glad you asked me that. It was one of my more brilliant ideas, **

Horace (sarcastically): Weren't they all?

**and between you and me, that's saying something.**

Horace: SERIOUSLY!!

**You see, only one who wanted to **_**find**_** the Stone**

Neville: Was the emphasis necessary?

—**find it, but not use it—would be able to get it, **

George: Ah, I see…

Ginny: Do you?

George: Not at all.

**otherwise they'd just see themselves making gold or drinking Elixir of Life. **

Luna: That is rather ingenious.

**My brain surprises even me sometimes... **

(Horace groans and starts banging his head on the table).

Luna: Is he going to be okay?

Neville: Yeah… just leave him…

**Now, enough questions. I suggest you make a start on these sweets. **

Minerva: Albus would be convincing you to eat sweets. I always wondered how his teeth didn't rot with all the sweets he ate.

**Ah! Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavoured one,**

Minerva: That is truly revolting.

**and since then I'm afraid I've rather lost my liking for them—but I think I'll be safe with a nice toffee, don't you?"**

Horace: Famous last words.

**He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth. Then he choked and**

Horace: Toppled over?

Harry: You wish.

**said, "Alas! Ear wax!"**

All: EWWW!

**Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, was a nice woman, but very strict.**

George: That reminds me of someone.

Horace: Without the 'nice' part, of course.

Minerva: You are a glutton for punishment, aren't you, Sluggy?

George: Well, I bet you could teach him a thing or two, Minnie!

Minerva: Excuse me? I am a married woman!

**"Just five minutes," Harry pleaded.**

Minerva: That won't work.

**"Absolutely not."**

Hermione: How did we see that coming?

**"You let Professor Dumbledore in..."**

**"Well, of course, that was the headmaster, **

George: Yeah, Harry!

**quite different. You need **_**rest**_**."**

Neville: How many times has she used that excuse?

Minerva: There's a tally in the staffroom; topmost cupboard on the left side of the fireplace.

**"I am resting, look, lying down and everything. Oh, go on, Madam Pomfrey..."**

**"Oh, very well," she said. "But five minutes **_**only**_**."**

Minerva: Wait… she caved? That easily? Really?

**And she let Ron and Hermione in.**

Ginny: Why does it sound as if you were in prison or something?

**"**_**Harry!**_**"**

Harry: And this was where my head started to hurt.

Hermione and Ron: OI!

**Hermione looked ready to fling her arms around him again, but Harry was glad she held herself in as his head was still very sore.**

Hermione: Thanks for that.

Harry: Not the writer!

George: Sure…

**"Oh, Harry, we were sure you were going to—Dumbledore was so worried—"**

Ron: Way to change the subject.

**"The whole school's talking about it," **

Luna: There's a shocker.

**said Ron. "What really happened?"**

Ginny: Don't get me started!

**It was one of those rare occasions when the true story is even more strange and exciting than the wild rumours. **

Neville: Now, that is worrying.

**Harry told them everything: Quirrell; the mirror; the Stone; and Voldemort.** **Ron and Hermione were a very good audience; **

(Hermione and Ron bow dramatically).

**they gasped in all the right places, **

Ron: Glad to be of service.

**and when Harry told them what was under Quirrell's turban, Hermione screamed out loud.**

(George starts laughing).

Hermione: Alright, alright, I was only eleven.

**"So the Stone's gone?" said Ron finally. "Flamel's just going to **_**die**_**?"**

Horace: Didn't take you long, did it?

**"That's what I said, but Dumbledore thinks that—what was it?—'to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." **

George: Can't believe you remembered that.

**"I always said he was off his rocker," **

(All laugh).

**said Ron, looking quite impressed at how crazy his hero was. **

Minerva: Your hero? Aw, Albus would've loved to know that.

Horace: I bet he would.

**"So what happened to you two?" said Harry.**

**"Well, I got back all right," said Hermione. "I brought Ron round—that took a while**

Ginny: All you need is a nice piece of food and he's up and ready for anything.

—**and we were dashing up to the owlery to contact Dumbledore when we met him in the entrance hall—he already knew**

Horace: Didn't he always?

—**he just said, 'Harry's gone after him, hasn't he?' and hurtled off to the third floor."**

George: Isn't it awesome that he knows stuff like that?

Harry: You can say that again.

Luna: He said: "Isn't-

Neville: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He didn't mean like that!

**"D'you think he meant you to do it?" said Ron. "Sending you your father's cloak and everything?"**

Minerva: No, it was his mischievous side coming out again.

**"**_**Well**_**," Hermione exploded, **

Luna: Ooh, that must have been messy. Looking at you now, though, you would never notice you had exploded. How long did it take them to put you back together?

Hermione: I didn't literally explode, Luna.

**"if he did—I mean to say that's terrible—you could have been killed."**

**"No, it isn't," said Harry thoughtfully. "He's a funny man, Dumbledore. **

Hermione: Funny as in mad, or funny as in hilarious?

Everyone else: BOTH!

**I think he sort of wanted to give me a chance.**

Ron: Why not?

**I think he knows more or less everything that goes on here, you know. **

Minerva: Oh, he knew it all.

**I reckon he had a pretty good idea we were going to try, and instead of stopping us, he just taught us enough to help. **

Horace: Strange… strange man…

**I don't think it was an accident he let me find out how the mirror worked. **

George: Oh really?

**It's almost like he thought I had the right to face Voldemort** **if I could..."**

Horace: Ah, the valuable clue.

**"Yeah, Dumbledore's off his rocker, all right," **

(All laugh).

Horace: VERY true!

**said Ron proudly. **

George: Trust you.

**"Listen, you've got to be up for the end-of-year feast tomorrow. The points are all in and Slytherin won, of course**

Neville: I wouldn't count on it.

—**you missed the last Quidditch match, we were steamrollered by Ravenclaw without you—but the food'll be good."**

Ginny: Food again! What is it with you and food? "By the way, we got thrashed by the other team but, on the upside, the bacon'll be lovely and crispy."

**At that moment, Madam Pomfrey bustled over.**

Neville: Oh no.

**"You've had nearly fifteen minutes, now OUT," she said firmly.**

Hermione: Really, she needs to stop that.

Minerva: You think I haven't tried? It's worse for teachers too; she turns into the ULTRA-NURSE, seriously, she won't let you move for 24 hours.

**After a good night's sleep, Harry felt nearly back to normal.**

"**I want to go to the feast," he told Madam Pomfrey as she straightened his many candy boxes. "I can, can't I?"**

Ginny: I wouldn't bet on it.

**"Professor Dumbledore says you are to be allowed to go," she said sniffily, **

Horace: Minnie, you are rubbing off on her.

Minerva: How many BLOODY TIMES do I have to tell you, Slug?!

**as though in her opinion Professor Dumbledore didn't realize how risky feasts could be. **

George: You could choke on a chicken bone.

Harry: Pleasant thoughts.

**"And you have another visitor."**

Ginny: Ooh, who is it?

Ron: If you let us get on with the story, you might just find out!

**"Oh, good," said Harry. "Who is it?"**

**Hagrid sidled through the door as he spoke. **

Neville: Right on cue.

**As usual when he was indoors, Hagrid looked too big to be allowed. **

Luna: And that's rather difficult because the hospital wing is huge.

**He sat down next to Harry, took one look at him, and burst into tears.**

Horace: Uh oh!

**"It's—all—my—ruddy—fault!" he sobbed, his face in his hands. "I told the evil git how ter get past Fluffy! **

Horace: Will he ever learn?

Harry: Will you ever learn to stop complaining about other people?

Minerva: He slags people off because he is insecure about himself… and with good reason.

**I told him! It was the only thing he didn't know, an' I told him! Yeh could've died! **

Harry: Oh, believe me, I know.

**All fer a dragon egg! I'll never drink again! **

Minerva: Don't make promises you can't keep.

**I should be chucked out an' made ter live as a Muggle!"**

Minerva: Technically he should be but he _illegally_ kept the pieces of his wand.

**"Hagrid!" said Harry, shocked to see Hagrid shaking with grief and remorse, great tears leaking down into his beard. "Hagrid, he'd have found out somehow, this is Voldemort** **we're talking about, **

All: GIT.

**he'd have found out even if you hadn't told him."**

Ginny: Not necessarily…

**"Yeh could've died!" sobbed Hagrid. "An' don' say the name!"**

Horace: Just a little note on the end, there.

**"VOLDEMORT!"** **Harry bellowed, and Hagrid was so shocked, he stopped crying. **

Harry: And that is how you do it!

**"I've met him and I'm calling him by his name. Please cheer up, Hagrid, we saved the Stone, it's gone, he can't use it. Have a Chocolate Frog, I've got loads..."**

Minerva: Actually, he doesn't really like chocolate.

**Hagrid wiped his nose on the back of his hand **

All: EWWW!

**and said, "That reminds me. I've got yeh a present."**

**"It's not a stoat sandwich, is it?" **

George: Cheeky bugger.

Harry: Well, I'm kind of attached to my teeth.

**said Harry anxiously, and at last Hagrid gave a weak chuckle. **

**"Nah. Dumbledore gave me the day off yesterday ter fix it. 'Course, he shoulda sacked me instead**

Horace: He SHOULD have. I would have.

—**anyway, got yeh this..."**

**It seemed to be a handsome, leather-covered book. Harry opened it curiously. It was full of wizard photographs. Smiling and waving at him from every page were his mother and father.**

Minerva: Oh, that's lovely.

Hagrid: Don't go all sentimental on me, it's more fun to argue with the ice queen.

**"Sent owls off ter all yer parents' old school friends, askin' fer photos... knew yeh didn' have any... d'yeh like it?"**

Harry: Like it? I loved it!

**Harry couldn't speak, but Hagrid understood.**

Horace: Ooh, he's a mind reader now!

**Harry made his way down to the end-of-year feast alone that night. **

Luna: That doesn't sound so great.

**He had been held up by Madam Pomfrey's fussing about, insisting on giving him one last check-up, **

Minerva: How many times have I heard that one?

**so the Great Hall was already full. It was decked out in the Slytherin colours of green and silver to celebrate Slytherin's winning the house cup for the seventh year in a row.**

Horace: HOORAY!

Minerva: I wouldn't be celebrating just yet, if I were you.

Hermione: Thank God you're not.

**A huge banner showing the Slytherin serpent covered the wall behind the High Table. **

Gryffindors: Foul thing!

(They all look at each other rather awkwardly).

**When Harry walked in there was a sudden hush, and then everybody started talking loudly at once. **

Horace: Ah, the joys of working with children.

**He slipped into a seat between Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor table and tried to ignore the fact that people were standing up to look at him.**

Minerva: Merlin, I miss subtlety.

Horace: Oh, like you can talk!

**Fortunately, Dumbledore arrived moments later. The babble died away.**

Horace: Why is it always bloody fortunate when bloody white beard turns up?

Ginny: White beard? That's all you've got?

**"Another year gone!" Dumbledore said cheerfully. "And I must trouble you with an old man's wheezing waffle** **before we sink our teeth into our delicious feast. **

Minerva: Oh, it wasn't half as bad as Armando Dippet's when I was at school! I think we all fell asleep before he finished his speech, apart from Albus, of course, he was just grinning manically off into the distance, as usual.

**What a year it has been! **

Hermione: A normal one for Hogwarts.

**Hopefully your heads are all a little fuller than they were... **

Ron: Not much.

**you have the whole summer ahead to get them nice and empty before next year starts...**

Minerva: Don't tell them that!

Luna: He can't hear you, Professor.

**"Now, as I understand it, the house cup here needs awarding, and the points stand thus: **

Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOO! STOP RIGHT THERE!

**In fourth place, Gryffindor, with three hundred and twelve points;**

(All, except Horace and Luna, groan).

**in third, Hufflepuff, with three hundred and fifty-two; Ravenclaw has four hundred and twenty-six **

Luna: Hooray.

**and Slytherin, four hundred and seventy-two."**

Horace (doing the type of victory dance that made everyone present wish they had a video camera): YAY! In you face, Minnie!

(Minerva just smirks).

**A storm of cheering and stamping broke out from the Slytherin table. Harry could see Draco Malfoy banging his goblet on the table. It was a sickening sight.**

George: Seriously, even his face was sickening.

**"Yes, yes, well done, Slytherin," said Dumbledore. "However, recent events must be taken into account."**

(Horace's face drops and he freezes).

**The room went very still. The Slytherins' smiles faded a little.**

Harry: HA!

**"Ahem," said Dumbledore. "I have a few last-minute points to dish out. Let me see. Yes...**

Horace: No…

**First—to Mr. Ronald Weasley..."**

**Ron went purple in the face; he looked like a radish with bad sunburn.**

Neville: That's flattering.

Luna: No it's not.

Neville: Luna, I was being sarcastic.

**"...for the best-played game of chess Hogwarts has seen in many years, **

Minerva: Albus was crap at chess.

Horace: FINALLY! The wonder man has a downfall!

Everyone else: SHUT UP, SLUG!!

**I award Gryffindor house fifty points."**

All (barring Horace): GO RON!

**Gryffindor cheers nearly raised the bewitched ceiling; **

Minerva: And that, Horace, is how _we_ do it!

**the stars overhead seemed to quiver. **

George: Because we were just that awesome!

**Percy could be heard telling the other prefects, "My brother, you know! My youngest brother! Got past McGonagall's giant chess set!"**

Minerva: That's _Professor_, to you!

**At last there was silence again.**

**"Second—to Miss Hermione Granger... for the use of cool logic in the face of fire, **

Hermione: Literally.

**I award Gryffindor house fifty points." **

All (except Horace): GO HERMIONE!

**Hermione buried her face in her arms; Harry strongly suspected she had burst into tears. **

Ginny: Aww…

Hermione: I hadn't!

George: Of course not!

**Gryffindors up and down the table were beside themselves—they were a hundred points up. **

Hermione: In only a few minutes.

**"Third—to Mr. Harry Potter..." said Dumbledore. The room went deadly quiet, "for pure nerve and outstanding courage, I award Gryffindor house sixty points."**

All (you get the drift… without Horace): GO HARRY!

**The din was deafening. Those who could add up while yelling themselves hoarse **

Horace: Not many then.

**knew that Gryffindor now had four hundred and seventy-two points—exactly the same as Slytherin. **

Luna: What a coincidence.

**They had tied for the house cup—if only Dumbledore had given Harry just one more point.**

Neville: If only. Wait… oh!

**Dumbledore raised his hand. The room gradually fell silent.**

Minerva: After about twenty minutes.

**"There are all kinds of courage," said Dumbledore, smiling. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. **

Minerva: Actually, it takes more to stand up to your friends.

**I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."**

All (except Horace, who is now speechless): GO NEVILLE!

George: Wait, only ten?

**Someone standing outside the Great Hall might well have thought some sort of explosion had taken place, **

Luna: Yes, but that would have been very messy.

**so loud was the noise that erupted from the Gryffindor table. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood up to yell and cheer as Neville, white with shock, disappeared under a pile of people hugging him. **

Neville: That hurt… a lot.

**He had never won so much as a point for Gryffindor before. Harry, still cheering, nudged Ron in the ribs **

Ron: Ow!

**and pointed at Malfoy, who couldn't have looked more stunned and horrified if he'd just had the Body-Bind Curse put on him.**

(Weasleys and Harry laugh).

**"Which means," Dumbledore called over the storm of applause, for even Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were celebrating the downfall of Slytherin, **

Minerva: That's as close to House Unity as you'll ever get.

Horace: There wasn't so much House rivalry when I was at school.

Minerva: That's because you had to carve your writing into stone tablets and walk around with clubs.

Horace: Don't be preposterous! It would be dangerous to let kids carry clubs!

**"we need a little change of decoration."**

(Everyone, minus Luna and Horace): YAY!!

**He clapped his hands. **

Horace: Can't just do it like a normal person. He had to over exaggerate it, didn't he?

Hermione: I can silence him if you'd like.

Minerva: I would have done it ages ago, I'm just looking forward to his reaction to the next bit too much.

**In an instant, the green hangings became scarlet and the silver became gold; the huge Slytherin serpent vanished and a towering Gryffindor lion took its place. **

(Horace's face sinks once again. He rests his head on the table).

George: Aw, Sluggy was owned by Kitty!

Luna: Kitty?

Ron: Three guesses.

**Snape was shaking Professor McGonagall's hand, with a horrible, forced smile. **

Minerva: Ah, the little joys of life.

**He caught Harry's eye and Harry knew at once that Snape's feelings toward him hadn't changed one jot.**

Harry: Surprise, surprise.

**This didn't worry Harry. It seemed as though life would be back to normal next year, **

Hermione: You're kidding, right?

**or as normal as it ever was at Hogwarts.**

Ginny: Completely and utterly mad then?

**It was the best evening of Harry's life, better than winning at Quidditch, **

Horace (looking at Minerva): Careful what you say here, Harry, m'boy.

Harry: For the last time, I did NOT write it!

**or Christmas, or knocking out mountain trolls... he would never, ever forget tonight.**

Harry: And I didn't.

Minerva: And that, Slug, is why Gryffindor trounces Slytherin every time!

(Horace just looks sulkily at her).

Ginny: What's gotten into him?

**Harry had almost forgotten that the exam results were still to come, but come they did. To their great surprise, both he and Ron passed with good marks; **

Minerva: Why did that surprise you? You were actually really good. Lack of concentration is all you suffered from.

**Hermione, of course, had the best grades of the first years.**

Ginny: Of course!

**Even Neville scraped through, **

George: That must really raise your self confidence.

**his good Herbology mark **

Ron: Actually, awesome Herbology mark.

Neville: Thank you!

**making up for his abysmal Potions one. **

Neville: Snape made me nervous, that was why I did badly.

**They had hoped that Goyle, who was almost as stupid as he was mean, might be thrown out, **

Minerva: You know we don't actually expel people for doing badly in exams, right?

Ron: Yeah, but a guy can dream, can't he?

**but he had passed, too. **

Ron: How did he do that?

**It was a shame, but as Ron said, you couldn't have everything in life.**

George: That's my little brother.

**And suddenly, their wardrobes were empty, their trunks were packed, Neville's toad was found lurking in a corner of the toilets;**

Neville: How in Merlin's name he got there, we will never know.

**notes were handed out to all students, warning them not to use magic over the holidays **

George (muttering): Damn things.

**("I always hope they'll forget to give us these," said Fred Weasley sadly); **

Minerva: I bet he did. Not going to happen though. Not all of us are as forgetful as Sluggy.

**Hagrid was there to take them down to the fleet of boats that sailed across the lake; **

Horace: I had some bad times around those boats.

George: How do you mean?

Minerva: Legend has it that he fell into the lake; the Giant Squid never tried to eat another human again because Slug tasted so bad.

Neville: Please tell me you're joking?

Minerva: I'm deadly serious.

Neville: ARGH! How do you do that? I can never tell when you're joking and when you're serious.

Horace: Allow me to help, when she jokes a huge crack opens up in the floor and swallows up everything positive in the vicinity.

Minerva: Aww, thanks.

**they were boarding the Hogwarts Express; **

Luna: That was my favourite part of the year.

Minerva: Well, that's nice to know.

Horace (pointing towards his feet): WATCH OUT! There's the hole!

**talking and laughing as the countryside became greener and tidier; **

Harry: Seriously? All I noticed was the growing amount of sheep.

**eating Bettie Bott's Every Flavour Beans **

Ron: Chilli, peppermint and anchovy flavours. Eww.

**as they sped past Muggle towns; pulling off their wizard robes **

Ginny: Not in the same compartment I hope?

**and putting on jackets and coats; pulling into platform nine and three-quarters at King's Cross Station.**

Harry: Wish we could've stayed all year round.

**It took quite a while for them all to get off the platform. **

Neville: Because everyone was so bloody SLOW!

**A wizened old guard** **was up by the ticket barrier, letting them go through the gate in twos and threes so they didn't attract attention by all bursting out of a solid wall at once and alarming the Muggles.**

Ginny: What an exciting job that guy had.

**"You must come and stay this summer," said Ron, **

Weasleys: YAY!

**"both of you—I'll send you an owl."**

Hermione: In two Muggle streets, that was clever.

**"Thanks," said Harry, "I'll need something to look forward to." **

Ginny: Oh so true.

**People jostled them as they moved forward toward the gateway back to the Muggle world. Some of them called: **

**"Bye, Harry!"**

**"See you, Potter!"**

Harry: At least they were talking to me again.

**"Still famous," said Ron, grinning at him.**

Horace: It doesn't disappear over night.

**"Not where I'm going, I promise you," said Harry.**

Harry: It was quite nice to take a break from it though. If only it were in a different place.

**He, Ron, and Hermione passed through the gateway together. **

George: And almost got stuck.

**"There he is, Mum, there he is, look!"**

Horace: Who?

**It was Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister, but she wasn't pointing at Ron.**

Luna: It's rude to point.

**"Harry Potter!" she squealed. "Look, Mum! I can see— "**

George: A flying gazelle. Oh, look, it just clawed someone's face off.

Luna: Gazelles don't have claws.

George: Does artistic licence mean nothing to you?

**"Be quiet, Ginny, and it's rude to point."**

Luna: See?

**Mrs. Weasley smiled down at them.**

Ron: And she could never do that again because we grew too fast.

Hermione: Speak for yourself.

**"Busy year?" she said.**

Minerva: It's Hogwarts, did she need to ask?

**"Very," said Harry. "Thanks for the fudge and the sweater, Mrs. Weasley."**

Horace: Oh sweet Merlin, Minnie, it's a child w-with… MANNERS!!

Harry: It does happen… occasionally.

**"Oh, it was nothing, dear."**

Ron: Then why embarrass me like that?

**"Ready, are you?"**

(Harry groans).

**It was Uncle Vernon,**

Neville: What a shame.

**still purple-faced, still moustached, still looking furious at the nerve of Harry, **

Luna: When will Muggles learn?

**carrying an owl in a cage in a station full of ordinary people.**

Ginny: Stranger things have happened.

**Behind him stood Aunt Petunia and Dudley, looking terrified at the very sight of Harry.**

Harry: That was so funny.

**"You must be Harry's family!" said Mrs. Weasley.**

Harry: If you can call them that.

**"In a manner of speaking," said Uncle Vernon. "Hurry up, boy, we haven't got all day." He walked away.**

Minerva: Charming!

**Harry hung back for a last word with Ron and Hermione.**

George: More like a whole bloody month of conversation.

**"See you over the summer, then."**

Luna: That was more than a word.

**"Hope you have—er—a good holiday," said Hermione, looking uncertainly after Uncle Vernon, shocked that anyone could be so unpleasant.**

Hermione: I was. He was awful, I mean you said he was bad but I didn't think he could be that awful!

**"Oh, I will," said Harry, and they were surprised at the grin that was spreading over his face. **

Horace: I don't like the sound of that.

**"**_**They**_** don't know we're not allowed to use magic at home. **

Minerva: Is this going where I think it is?

George: Sneaky…

**I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer..."**

Ron: I bet.

Hermione: And that's where the evil streak comes in.

_A/N: This is for everyone who has read, reviewed, alerted and favourited this story (and even its author!!). I salute you! And, as always, I own nothing (apart from Michael). Please leave a review for Mr. Review. :-) Thanks._

_Reading and Revelations 2: Chamber of Secrets will be resumed soon. Watch this space._


End file.
